The etiquette of baby showers

[gimmeadoughnut123]

Just after some opinions. I would like a baby shower as it's very rare I manage to get all of my friends together and it would be a nice way to do so before baby arrives.

Question 1 - is it weird to throw it myself? I would just do something low key at home in the garden. I don't want to put it on my best friend as she found planning my hen party quite stressful and has a lot going on sorting out a mortgage. I could chat to my Mum about organising it if she would like to, and I can always give her a hand. But then I've also been told it's rude to ask people to organise them.

2 - I'm due in June so would have the shower in April. Is January too early to send invites? My friends live hectic lives so would probably prefer advance notice, so it was in their diaries.

3 - one of the reasons I was considering doing it myself is that I really hate baby shower games like pin the dummy on the baby or whatever. So I could avoid any of that and just have a nice get together.

What do you think?

I had an afternoon tea with friends and family, my sister booked it but I invited everyone and just said it was a girly catch up before baby arrives. I did get presents but I didn't expect any!

@gimmeadoughnut123 Do you have anyone who could arrange something for you? I planned my sisters, she just gave me her guest list (just her nearest and dearest) and told me what she wanted to do and not do and then I organised it. Her guests all asked me if they could bring a gift, so no awkward conversations for my sister. In the end pretty much everyone did bring a gift, in lieu of not gifting again once baby was born. It was a really lovely day! Enjoy :)

@MrsEG I have a couple of people that probably could, but they would probably assume somebody else would be, so wouldn't offer and I wouldn't want to ask.

I told my DH about not throwing one myself and I think he feels a bit disappointed for me as I attended so many while we were TTC so wants me to be able to have one myself. He has mentioned he might speak to a couple of friends about it and to hold off organising the party. Which is really sweet of him.

There will always be the types of people who think they are naff/grabby/boring and they won't have the sort of friends/close ones that would be happy to host one for them anyway. Then there will be those who think it's lovely to get together, make an occasion of your happy time, talk babies and names and generally have a girly catch up. I've been to loads of lovely baby showers, I buy a gift then or when baby is born, most of the time people specify they don't expect gifts but occasionally you get a gift list (that is a bit grabby to me too TBF 😂.) Anyway, I have a few negative/judgey people I do consider friends and in the past I've ducked out of celebrating things because those sort of people made me feel like it'd be too self indulgent (that's not how my nice & happy friends would've seen it I know. ) I wish now I had of made more of such occasions, so I'd say ignore the fun suckers, if people don't like baby showers they don't have to come. X

Thanks blondebrunnette. Knowing my friends to be honest, I think they would be disappointed if I didn't have a shower. They love them!

I have been invited to quite a few 'baby showers' , and they have all been arranged by the expecting mother, never by friends. All have been at their house and some people bought gifts, others didnt. The ones that didnt, said they would give a gift when the baby was born. I think you can call this a baby shower/get-together or whatever you like and use it as a great chance to meet up with all your friends. It may not be everyones cup of tea, but do what suits you and enjoy.

TBH Mumsnet hates them. If your friends will expect and welcome one, have one!!

I do wonder if it's a younger/older thing - I would also buy a gift for the shower OR birth, not both.

My friend threw her own in her back garden and it was lovely. She had female and male friends there. It was just a really nice get together, we played games, had afternoon tea in the garden and she made it clear beforehand that it wasn't about gifts. She just wanted a day with friends before he arrived. We had a lovely time, and people didn't take gifts.

Literally had this conversation with my mum this afternoon! I'm due in April.

She was living in the states with my American father whilst pregnant with me, so naturally was thrown a baby shower by her friends out there. She asked me if I wanted one, as she knew having grown up with an American family I would be half expecting one....however she was worried about the sort of reception it would get over here. Not many members of my English family would know what it is, and when explained to them it would probably just seem grabby and attention seeking. She politely requested to throw a baby shower after the baby is born, acting as more of a chance for everyone to get together, meet the baby and 'shower' with gifts then, which I agreed to.

In short...yes, I think it could be seen as odd by others to throw your own shower, as they are literally just a chance to receive gifts. However, if your friends will be expecting you to have one at some point, I don't really see the problem with that 🤷‍♀️

I actually think I want to have my own pre baby shower/party after reading this op! I have told my best friends I don't want a 'surprise' shower because I don't like the idea of gifts before the baby is here / the thought that people feel they may have to buy gifts for a shower. But reading a pre baby meet up garden party type with close friends has made me want to do something similar with my friends that are dotted around the country. I think you know your instincts and friends best, if you want to do it you go ahead

Regardless of your intention or what you put on the invitation people will feel obliged to buy you a present. If you have it 3 months before you have the baby they'll then feel obliged to buy a second once baby arrives. It may make people think you are grabby. (We put no gifts on our wedding invitation and got 3k in cash).

Personally I think they are naff due to the 'me, me, me' look of them and throwing one yourself screams that even more.

I also think it's taking the fact you'll have a safe and healthy delivery as a given. I know too many people for whom that hasn't been the case to want any attention on me or baby pre delivery.

My sister recently had a gender reveal (I hate that idea but that's another story) however she did state on the invite please do not bring presents..
No one did..

I find it fascinating people are so negative about this, like it's unbearably distasteful. Its never entered my head to think that way about any of my friends baby showers I've been over the moon to spend time with them close to the date and they're always lovely get togethers full of positive people but then I'm thinking maybe that's the thing, I've only ever been invited to close friends baby showers and I probably wouldn't attend one of acquaintance's. Similar to a hen do, generally you invite your best friends and close family only. In terms of it being grabby over gifts for those I've been to that have been hosted by the mum to be or their family, they have spent a fair amount more on catering and gift bags etc, much more than the value of gifts if you want to look at it as something that costs you to attend, feels a bit ironic having to write that when explaining to people that are suggesting a prebabygathering/baby shower is distasteful/cheap. I've also attended one where you pay for your afternoon tea at the restaurant if you attend but I viewed that no differently to what we do when we meet up for other occasions and it was more a nice treat for us all to catch up and talk baby and see her happy. Take away all the pretentiousness and social judgement and thats all it is, a chance to see your friends happy, make a celebration of her happiness and eat cake and drink fizz. It can cost you nothing if you don't want to buy a gift then but at birth-loads do that.x

Thanks @Blondebrunette1 I thought the same thing to be honest. I was going to put on all the food, drinks, organise things for the kids to do etc...like you say it can add up! Whether or not things will change now that my DH has seen the replies on this thread I don't know, as he seemed really disheartened for me that I have been to everyone else's but might not have one myself. I think he might have been chatting to my best friend yesterday. It's only best friends and family that would come to it if I had one.
We will see!

When I attend them I have just seen them as a way to celebrate my friends happiness with them, and to chat about baby.

I don’t really see the issue people have with baby showers, even if you throw it yourself. To me it’s not really any different to throwing a birthday party (you have people you like together in the same place to celebrate an occasion, they potentially bring you a present either because they want to or because it’s the social norm, either way!), and I personally think it makes more sense to give someone a gift to celebrate them having a child than to congratulate them on being born however many years ago!

I definitely think it’s fine to organise one yourself, and I would call it a baby shower to clarify what it was. If you’re worried people will feel under pressure to bring a gift you can always put on the invite that presents are not necessary. The only baby ‘shower’ I’ve ever been invited to was actually for a male colleague of mine whose wife was having a baby. There was a meal in a local restaurant (organised by another colleague) and everyone just kept gifts back until after the baby had been born, as it was only a few weeks before her due date. Something equally low key might be lovely for you. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

@gimmeadoughnut123 don't be disheartened, I read some posts on MN if I'm honest and think my gosh the majority of women are nothing like me and lots of opinions I can't catch my breath over the unkind/blunt/abrupt nature of so I'd go with your own instincts, thank people for their input and follow what you truly think. We are all so different and that's OK but this is about you and your life, you sound like you are a girls girl, have a good group of female friends, like to socialise and make an occasion of things and are generally positive and happy person. Enjoy every second, embrace every good thing in your life, too many don't get that chance without being morbid, whenever I think of worrying about opinions or how something will be perceived I remember a friend of mine, if she were alive now she would tell me straight to not over think or worry about anything that brings happiness and harms no one. There are lots of lovely, positive posts from other ladies on here too. Xx

@Blondebrunette1 all so true. I have had a bit of a stressful pregnancy with health concerns so far but in the last two weeks I have finally been able to really settle in and enjoy the experience, and want to continue to enjoy every bit. Who knows how many times I'll get to carry a child again - so I want to savour every bit of it!

All the showers in my circle of friends have been surprise parties thrown for the mum to be. I was really surprised at my own, didn't occur to me I would have one, even though all my other friends got them! They tend to be quite late on, within a month or so of the baby being due.

Is it the same in your circle? It may be that someone may be intending on planning something, it's a good idea to have your DH put some feelers out.

In any case, if you have it closer to the birth should you arrange your own, you'll have more time to get those invites out.

I've really enjoyed all the showers in my friendship circle. It's lovely to see everyone together, something rare now everyone is so busy. And that's the point at which the baby's gift is given, no need for a second one when the baby arrives in my group.

I'd say at least 80% of the females I've told that I am pregnant have asked me when the baby shower will be and if they'll be invited.

I honesty don't get why people are so negative about them. When a friend of mine has a baby, I want them to have a baby shower and I want to buy them a gift. Not grabby at all.

I don't like giving (or even buying) a gift for a baby who's not yet safely arrived. I know it's superstitious but I wouldn't want gifts for my unborn baby till they're here.

@Fantababy my thoughts exactly. Morbid as it is, it's incredibly presumptuous to assume all be well and your baby will be delivered safely.

My grandmother even told my mum she would 'not quite feel right' giving me a gift before the baby was safely here. Guess she knew that the American side in me was probably going to want a shower! It was only after that I really thought about it properly.

Yes that is also a British aspect which must not exist in America, its so at odds with the idea of a baby shower. I don't share that superstition myself but I totally understand and wouldn't feel hard done by if someone wanted to withhold a gift until later! I'd just be grateful they had thought to get me something at all!

I have the whole baby shower thing, its grabby no matter who plans it. As for gender reveals, do people realise that there are very few people that care if they have a boy or girl. People that find out the sex of their baby and don't tell anyone else are worse.

The thing is, in America there is a whole system of etiquette for baby showers- everyone knows where they stand with who hosts, pays, brings gifts and there’s no expectation to bring another gift when baby is born. There’s no confusion because it’s the norm.

This isn’t the case for most in the UK. Even from this thread there’s been a range of experience, from a casual bbq or get together for friends with no gifts, right to the traditional “shower” with games and presents. I don’t blame people for not liking the latter.

I threw a surprise one for my sis even though I never had one with DS. But she was visiting home and heading overseas to have the baby. Just best friends and family members asked. It was an afternoon tea type affair. In lieu of gifts I asked everyone to bring an item of food which felt awkward at the time but turned out brilliantly and everyone was so obliging. Was a wonderful spread. And she still got lots of gifts. Was really lovely way of her seeing everyone before she jetted off.

I have warned DM do not organise one for me. Luckily my nearest and dearest are all nearby I will just have a lot of lunch dates beforehand on a 1:1.

Do what suits you especially if your friends are used to it.