DH refusing to have private gender scan

[JingleDells]

Just that really. We can have a private gender scan on 8th February or one with the NHS on the 12th March. It's £45 and as I'm announcing at 16 weeks it would be nice to know the gender and everything first. He is point blank refusing as it's pointless when the NHS tell us for free.. I just don't understand why he's being such an arse about it. I'm paying. We're finding out anyway and he knows it'll help me relax and bond with baby. AIBU?

Thanks for all the actual helpful answers will explain all this to DH. Would ideally want him to be there as we've taken so long to get here I want to enjoy it together but have already told him it's my body and I will do what I want if it helps me in this pregnancy as I am so anxious. Thanks xx

I really don’t understand why some posters on this forum are so rude to parents who wish to find out the sex of their baby. I fully understand why some people opt not to find out and fully understand why some people want to. It’s not a flaw or a weakness to want to find out. And it certainly isn’t ‘tosh’ to say it’ll help you bond with the baby. You can stop referring to the baby as ‘it’ and call it ‘he’ or ‘she’. You can choose a name.

We had a private scan with DS and it was a lovely experience. The 20 week scan they just confirmed it but it wasn’t the focus (as it shouldn’t be!)

I 100% agree with helping me bond I had 3 miscarriages before having DS and 2 since having him so have booked a private scan this time too. Its not be the case for everyone but if it helps you then do it, and anyone who is rude about it or judges it can fuck off.

I found out at 18 weeks as I the hospital scans I had had up until then had been done by moody midwifes who didn't really communicate with me... And it ended up being the same at my 20 week one as she was training someone up and I just got ignored...

The 18 week gender scan was lovely! So relaxing and the screen was massive!! I could easily tell we were having a girl before she said anything. Plus we got 7 gorgeous big glossy photos too included in the price.

And yes I said gender... Because that's what they call it and I love winding up all you "it's sex, not gender" people up

Are you aware that you don't need permission? Go ahead and find out your baby's gender. He doesn't have to come along and you are using your own money. Not a biggie.

I

Yes, yes, the NHS might call it a gender scan too, but it's not.

Bollocks they do. Everywhere I've worked the NHS calls it the 20 week fetal anomaly scan.

100% would recommend a private scan. I went for 12 week scan at nhs and they were busy and understaffed and we felt we were rushed in and out of scan room in less than about 3 min and sent away with a very blurry and out if focus photo (this is No way a dig at nhs btw) so we went for a private reassurance scan that was fab. Spent 10-15 mins of relaxing scan time and got to see baby wiggling away and moving and got a selection of photos to take away that were a lot better quality than nhs. 100% worth it.

Have you checked with your hospital whether they will confirm the sex or not, assuming the baby is cooperating?

A private scan is so different to the NHS ones and I had several with my second pregnancy after a late miscarriage the first time. It can feel like a very long time between the 12 and 20 week scans, especially since you have little to reassure that the baby is ok with lack of movements and symptoms.

You get what you pay for I suppose.

Aww congrats on your pregnancy OP! 18-years ago I had my 20-week scan in the states and found out the sex with my DH. I had a medical one later on and the same ultrasound technologist said "What sex did I tell you earlier?" We responded "boy" and she replied "I don't know I might have been wrong" we didn't care either way and she then said "Ahh there it is it is definitely a boy!"

NHS Scans are medical tests for the benefit of you and your baby. While the sonographers do their best to show you baby/take pictures its ultimately not the purpose of the scan and nor should it be. I would much rather have someone who is 100% focused on checking the health of my baby to the best of their ability than have someone overly focusing on my overall experience (obviously its nice when both can be achieved but in some cases I understand that its not possible because they simply need to concentrate).

For this reason I have had 2 private scans in addition to my NHS ones (which have all been amazing). I really would recommend having a private scan, especially if you've been anxious. I have been pretty anxious most of the way through for various reasons and I found it really helpful to go to a scan which was for no other reason than to relax and spend time bonding with my baby. Very relaxed environment no results to worry about and some lovely pictures at the end. Definitely worth the money. . I also feel like as soon as we found out the gender of our baby it made things much more real, like she was a real baby now. One we can choose a name for and buy the occasional item for, which I know has meant a lot to my partner as he feels much more involved.

Id go ahead and book the scan, while your DH may think its a waste now I'm sure he won't when he is there enjoying watching his baby with you.

I have no clue why a gender scan will help bonding. When did being pregnant become so artificial and unnatural? I lost one at 17 weeks and it was visceral - just knowing they were alive and kicking was enough after that.

I never knew the gender of either of my beautiful children. Loved them with blood and guts and all my heart.

Why rely on some scanning thing to be in touch with your growing baby. Live and breath and feel every movement. And remember - your life will be turned upside down by this new arrival - aint no science will make it different.

@greendale17 I used to think that too. Until I had an unwanted pregnancy I chose to continue with. Finding out the sex, and therefore being able to visualise this little person and my life with her just a tiny bit better (fully aware it's unlikely to go that way) has helped.

It’s another one of those threads where people can’t see beyond their own experience. I didn’t find out the sex and liked the surprise element. My sister however found it extremely helpful. For lots of women, finding out the sex helps make the baby seem more real and does allow bonding. For others, they like knowing so they can be prepared with stuff.

I can see your husband’s argument- a lot of men can be very matter of fact about scans and extra tests. You will be feeling much more emotional about it all. The experience is likely to be very different with a private scan and given you have said you’re on edge, an extra couple of scans would probably help your mental health even taking out the issue of finding out the sex.

Perhaps your OH doesn't actually want to know the sex. Perhaps he doesn't want to bond yet as he's so anxious that things might go wrong as it's taken you so long to conceive? This was me with my second child. Had scans etc, but didn't want to know sex or anything, just that it was ok.
It doesn't mean he's not interested though, or won't love his baby. I didn't start to bond until my baby was delivered. Nothing wrong with that though, up to that point I was just growing a baby. Everyone's different.

It's not something I would do but it's your money OP, and I can see how it would be fun. I found out at with my NIPT at 10 weeks. £45 isn't that much if you really want it. People have spent a lot more than £45 on random baby things they don't need. I'm sure DP buys things all the time with his "fun money" that you wouldn't care for.

There is no guarantee that the nhs scan will tell you the gender. It's not the purpose of the scan which is after all a medical scan for the baby. Sex is not part of this. So you could end up waiting and still not knowing.

Especially with having a little one already I've now got extra time to prepare for all the things a little boy needs

this made me laugh. What does a boy need that a girl doesn't? And why does it need 4 full extra weeks to get it?! I've got a boy and a girl and didn't need anything different for them. I even coped with preparing for them without knowing their sex before they were born.

Op do what you want but if you will find out a few weeks later I don't see the point either

At my 20 week NHS scan the sonographer was unsure as our baby had her legs crossed. We’d had a very certain girl at 16 weeks from a lovely private scanning place. We had a 4D scan to confirm last week at 29 weeks. If you’re paying, just go for it!

I initially didn’t want to know the sex but DH did and I do feel like it’s helped me bond more with the baby.

Do whatever you want to do, it's your life, your body and your baby
It really doesn't matter whether you find out at a private "gender" scan, at your 20 week "NHS Anomaly Scan" or if you wait until birth to find out! Don't listen to all of these people who are making you feel silly for wanting to find out early and for your reasons for doing so. We are all different human beings, with totally different opinions and feelings. If you want a scan at 16 weeks to find out if your baby is a girl or a boy, do it. Please don't listen to any negativity or judgement from these MN users. Book the scan, enjoy it and live your life

I wonder whether in twenty years time it will emerge that all these scans have the potential to be damaging to the mother and baby. After all we have no idea yet of the impact do we? Apart from on the private companies who are raking in the cash in the name of a fluffy experience the result of which is only around 80% accurate.

I thought there were concerns already.

Babies that have been scanned more have an increased chance of being left-handed. So scanning does have an effect on a babies brain. We don’t currently know the full effect.

After all we have no idea yet of the impact do we? Apart from on the private companies who are raking in the cash in the name of a fluffy experience the result of which is only around 80% accurate.

This. Your “need” to know the sex of your baby is the result of aggressive marketing by corporate interests. Step back.