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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

To ask if people judget you for having a baby before buying a house?

34 replies

Marghe87 · 21/12/2018 11:12

I have noticed how obsessed people are with owning a property before trying for a baby and when I say that my husband and I want to start trying (we are in our 30s) everyone's first reply is "but you don't own a house yet".... so what?? Is it really such a big deal?

My parents had my sister and me whilst renting and only managed to buy a house later in life and we grew up fine - what's this obsession all bout?

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KonaMum · 21/12/2018 11:13

Plenty of people live their entire lives in rented homes.

Dimsumlosesum · 21/12/2018 11:14

What? No, never heard nor experienced this.

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2018 11:15

Is this just some sort of goady post because you're bored? Thousands of families live in rented accommodation without being judged. How can you not know this?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 21/12/2018 11:19

We have a DD aged 5 and second on the way in feb and don't own a home, we rent.

It works for us and I've never been judged on it

Firstty · 21/12/2018 11:22

It's completely fine. I guess the 'obsession' is money in the future and security. If I die, my partner will get enough money to pay off our mortgage and bring up the children in our house on just his wage- and vice versa. If we both died the people we have chosen as our children's guardians would have enough money to bring them up. Also we bought a house with a 25 year mortgage so we'll own it outright before we are retired and will be able to save money then which might benefit our children and potential grandchildren.

BirthdayKake · 21/12/2018 11:22

Probably. I don't care. I had four healthy children in less than ideal circumstances.

Then bought a house, renovated it, married an amazing man, came off the pill, got pregnant straightaway... And miscarried. My point is, nothing is ever perfect

Original poster

Marghe87 · 21/12/2018 11:26

@bluntness100 no, absolutely! Before even starting to think about a family I never even though about this topic! But now that I am starting talking to people about our intention, most of them are shocked to think we are "daring" having kids because we don't own a 3 bedroom house - I grew up in a small city flat (not in the UK) and personally I don't event think a 3 bedroom place is necessary to raise a happy family but it just seems this thought is very ingrained into people's mind.

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catkind · 21/12/2018 11:29

Hmm, I think most people don't mention to anyone that they're trying for a baby, if it doesn't happen quickly you're at risk of years of nosy comments or unwanted sympathy or just knowing people are wondering.

Buying a house, if that's an aim for you at all, is going to be easier pre baby. Looking at houses and moving is time consuming and stressful and not made easier by a demanding baby or toddler bouncing around. Your costs will go up, your income may go down (even if you continue to work full time, you then have to factor in childcare costs). You also get more attached to a specific area through childcare, network and eventually schools, so if you are looking to move house in the near future makes sense to do that first. People often also prefer the security of knowing they're not going to be forced to move. So there are lots of reasons a lot of people might prefer to do it that way round and might be surprised you're not. (Not sure about the politeness of mentioning it though!)

That said, if for you the time is right for a baby and not for housebuying, you would regret waiting wouldn't you? If you do or don't decide to housebuy later you'll find a way to make it work.

le42 · 21/12/2018 11:32

I live in london and don’t know anyone who owns a house in their 30s. Everyone I know who are having babies rent - never heard this be an issue.....

Original poster

Marghe87 · 21/12/2018 11:35

Well, that's the thing... it'll take us a few more years (at 2-3 at the very least) before we are able to buy and that would wipe off all our savings anyway. We have reached the stage where thinking about waiting 2-3 years before ttc is too much, we don't want to wait any longer.

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Original poster

Marghe87 · 21/12/2018 11:35

I also live in London - most people I know own a property either in or outside the city though. I guess it's always about perspective isn't it?

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Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 21/12/2018 11:38

Never heard of this. I'm probably always going to have to rent and have four children.

Spooples · 21/12/2018 12:30

DH and I rent a small 1 bed flat in London and are currently 27+3 with our first. It's absolutely not ideal but life rarely is. Buying isn't feasible for the time being, but we didn't want to put off TTC any longer (and were surprised to get pregnant the first month trying!)

Do things in the order that makes sense for you and screw anyone who turns their nose up at it. If you can provide a roof over your babies head, it shouldn't matters who owns that roof.

Original poster

Marghe87 · 21/12/2018 12:52

Thank you for this message and best of luck with your baby! :) :)

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KonaMum · 21/12/2018 13:30

FWIW DH and I DO own our house and have a 3 month old. However, it’s a tiiiiny 200 year old cottage. It is really not the ideal family home tbh. We have no intention of moving though. I’m sure some people think we’re mad but we think DS will benefit fat more from the rural upbringing than a three-bed semi in town. People have all kinds of different priorities in my experience.

lifechanginglemoncake · 21/12/2018 13:57

I think the key is to ask yourselves about your priorities. If you waited with TTC and bought a house but then ran into problems conceiving how would you feel? And also the other way - if you conceived next year and had to put buying a house on hold what would that be like?

Work out for you what are the most important things and how would you make the rest work?

Also I would say there is never a right time to have a baby. You just decide to TTC (or have a surprise) and then make the best of everything! We did buy a house first but it needs a lot of work and ultimately we decided we didn't want to wait to have a baby until it was all finished. Now 18 weeks and slightly panicked about doing up a house with a baby but ultimately over the moon about having our first child next year.

Take some time over Christmas to talk things through just the two of you and try to ignore everyone else's opinion. I believe taking what others say with a pinch of salt is a key skill for pregnancy and parenting anyway!!!

Best of luck!

53rdWay · 21/12/2018 16:03

Nobody judged us. Renting with a baby was a bit shit though, our landlord gave us notice when we had a newborn and that wasn't a fun time.

sickmumma · 21/12/2018 16:19

Tbh we live in London and if I waited until we could afford to own I think we would be about mid 50's by the time we saved a high enough deposit! I think especially in London it's very rare for people on a normal income to afford to buy, I am 30 now and quite a few of my friends the same age still live with parents or in house shares, a few have had inheritance or parents help to raise a deposit so now own and most rent with a partner and are starting families. There are probably about 2/3 people I know who have brought without any help and they have a higher income than most, have been in long term relationships and so have been saving hard for at least a good 5/6 years whilst living with parents. A 3 bed house here is about £500k upwards so renting is normal for most! Frustrating as we can afford the repayments just not a hefty deposit upfront!!

MyBreadIsEggy · 21/12/2018 16:25

If that was the rule, then the majority of my generation are doomed to be forever childless. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that no matter how hard we try, it’s impossible for us to put enough aside every month to save a deposit, let alone keep up with the rate of inflation.
We have 2 DCs, are discussing trying for a third, and am 99% sure we will never own our own home!

Hiphopopotamous · 21/12/2018 18:08

I guess if you tried to get a mortgage after children you might struggle with the affordability test if you go back to work part time or have high childcare costs.

MrsRyan15 · 21/12/2018 18:56

FWIW we did wait to buy a house before ttc, (DH felt he wanted the security of our own home) it then took over 18 months before we got our BFP (currently 7+5 weeks).

During that 18 months it felt like it was never going to happen and we regretted the decision to wait. It didn't occur to us that it would be so difficult or take so long.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 21/12/2018 19:01

Meh, we had only been together 3 months when I got pregnant. We bought the house a few months later and moved in when DS was 4 months old. I had been living in DH's council house before then and the only reason we bought was we didn't want to bring DS up in the area we lived in. Otherwise we would have stayed put.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 21/12/2018 19:03

As a PP said, it's to do with the stringent affordability tests for mortages and less money coming in and more expense going out would make it very difficult for all but the very wealthy.

nomad5 · 21/12/2018 19:03

We got a few tuts from older people but nobody cared. Just bought recently for the first time and oldest DC is 6

scaredofthecity · 21/12/2018 19:08

We had a baby before a house and didn't get any funny comments, but it made it so much harder.

If you want to buy I would definately do it before kids, if you leave it may become impossible. Childcare costs and loss of earnings if pt really affect affordability.

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