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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Advice needed (baby father related)

35 replies

Redroses17 · 02/12/2018 04:57

I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant and I'm not with the baby's Dad. We are in contact about the baby and he likes to be informed of how all baby's appointments have gone but he's only ever attended one scan which he was late and missed it and then left early. He has then never attended any other scans or any other of appointments I've had for baby. I also don't think he's bought anything for his unborn daughter. I wanted him to be involved for my baby's sake as I thought it would be nice for her to have a relationship with her Dad. But thinking about it I don't feel he's stepped up enough so far or feel he actually cares enough to be a Dad to our baby. He says all the right things but they are not backed up by his actions. I now don't feel I want him at the birth as the idea of it I don't feel comfortable with ,and also feel because of him not ever stepping up it's making me question would he take care of her if he did have her on his own? My gut instinct says no based on how he's been so far.
Should I allow him to be at the birth and in the future allow him contact and to take care of her on his own? I'm unsure if I'm being reasonable or unreasonable, advice would be very much appreciated,

TIA x

OP posts:

Weenurse · 02/12/2018 05:05

It is not concrete to some men until they see the birth and hold their child, then it becomes real. I would give him the opportunity to watch the birth ( and see how hard it is), if he does not seem interested after that, make your decision.

Soso7789 · 02/12/2018 07:16

I wouldn't have him there. He can see the baby after. Birth isn't about the baby, it's about you and supporting you - doesn't sound to me like he'd keep you calm and advocate for you

Phillipa12 · 02/12/2018 07:33

You dont have to have him at the birth and he has no right to be there. However he does have a right to a relationship with his child and when child is old enough to have unsupervised contact overnight. For some men a baby isnt a reality untill they are physically here. He could step up wonderfully......and then he may not. Deal with the birth first and then see how it goes, visits with a newborn should be little and often, ie, 1-2 hours 3 times a week in your home or neutral location. You want to be seen as reasonable and flexible when it comes to visitation, even if the other party isnt, all communication by email and text, and when its discussed face to face send an email confirming plans talked about. You need to cover your arse just incase. Safety precautions are good, huge barriers are not, you are both your childs parents and both responsible for your child, dont put up huge barriers before baby is even here.

Jackshouse · 02/12/2018 07:38

God no, don’t have him at the birth. Your birthing partner is there for you not for the baby.

As for not doing much. I wouldn’t worry about that, my HV said to me a pregnant women is a Mum but a man does not become a Dad until his child is born. However I would be discussing money with him now and talking about him paying is share of the costs of getting ready for the baby arriving.

SoyDora · 02/12/2018 07:40

You need someone you know is going to be supportive and advocate for you at the birth. If that’s not him then don’t have him there, he doesn’t have any god given right because he’s the father.
I’d give him the opportunity to step up after the birth, and if he doesn’t take it then it’s his loss.

ZsaZsaMc · 02/12/2018 07:55

I agree he doesn’t need to be there at the birth but it does sound like he is taking an interest in the pregnancy (attended one scan, albeit he was late - less good).

My DP only came to the 12 week and 20 week scan and I went to all other appointments by myself - it just wasn’t necessary for him to attend (there are loads of them!) and we live together.

Have you talked about how he is going to financially contribute? Again my DP wasn’t interested in buying things for the unborn baby, outfits and so on but we obviously did discuss and buy together all the big ticket items, the pram, cot etc.

I wouldn’t be thinking about not allowing the father contact before the baby has even arrived

Original poster

Redroses17 · 02/12/2018 08:43

I think I'm definitely considering having someone who will be more supportive during the birth there instead ,as I do think that would be more helpful at that time , I also think some of the points made about giving him chance to see the baby once she's here seems fair and see how that goes and take it from there, trying to see how a Dad -to- be would see it , it probably is hard to embrace the baby coming until their here , I never really thought about that until now , thank you all so much for the advice, it's definitely helped me see things more clearly

OP posts:

SylvanianFrenemies · 02/12/2018 10:17

You need someone at the birth who supports you, and who you feel totally comfortable with. A friend or relative would be better. It's not a spectator activity.

It's true that some men don't really feel connected til after the baby is born. For your child's sake, give him a chance to prove himself after the baby is born. He doesn't need to have the baby alone, he can visit. You don't need to out him on the birth certificate if you are concerned that he could make things difficult later on. He can still be a father, and still be required to pay maintenance, without being in the cert.

Congratulations and good luck.

0lgaDaPolga · 02/12/2018 10:32

I wouldn’t have him at the birth. You need someone there to support you, not just to see the baby being born. I do think for some men it doesn’t seem as real until the baby is born though so don’t give him too much of a hard time yet. He might really step up once the baby is born. My husband, although very excited for our son to be born didn’t buy anything for him before he was born either. I guess it’s hard to understand when we can have such a bond with the baby before they are born but without being pregnant, for some guys it comes later. Time will tell how he is when the baby is born.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 02/12/2018 10:57

For the birth, you need to choose the birth partner who will be most useful to you. It doesn't sound like he fits this description. Has he even said he wants to be there anyway?

Original poster

Redroses17 · 02/12/2018 12:28

I think you all have valid points and thank you each for your input , and that's true about giving birth is a time where you need support the most which he has not been or doesn't appear to want to be ( to me) id say from judging from his actions and I guess I'm starting to understand why my baby father is the way is about the baby and why is the way he is towards me , and he has said he wants to be at the birth ,I think in my case my baby father wants to be there for our daughter but not there for me as much, which I understand as we're not together I think if anything the best outcome in my case would be the baby's dad to be a dad to her and for myself and him to be able to co parent which is something I'll only know if it works once she's here I guess

OP posts:

Meganc559 · 02/12/2018 12:45

I think if he wants to be there for the birth of his baby, he should be allowed..

SoyDora · 02/12/2018 12:46

I think if he wants to be there for the birth of his baby, he should be allowed

Why? It’s not a spectator sport. OP needs someone helpful and supportive.

Meganc559 · 02/12/2018 13:00

Because it's his baby there and it's a big moment in that child life when she's coming into the world

He has a right to be there unless obvious he has been physically abusive to the mother

How would you feel if when she's say 10 and she asks her dad if he was there when she was born. And he has to reply no cause mummy wouldn't let Me

Starlight456 · 02/12/2018 13:11

The father has no rights at all especially not to be at the birth . It is a time a woman is at her most vulnerable and she needs someone to advocate and support her.

The child has a right to a relationship with both parents .

The baby stays with you. He visits baby little and often.
Legally he doesn’t have to pay anything until baby is born. You can ask if he is going to help you with initial costs .

Maintenance is due from date baby is born . It is worth having a discussion before hand if he doesn’t pay you need to open up a case with cms as it won’t be backdated before the claim.

Co parenting is the ideal and I don’t think you will find out what kind of a dad he is till baby is here.

Also make sure baby has your surname

Meganc559 · 02/12/2018 13:14

She can have 2 birth partners, say men could bear children and it wad vice versa, I vet you would kick up fuck then

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 02/12/2018 13:15

Nobody has a right to be at a birth unless they're the mother or the baby.

And if we're talking about things 10 year olds might or might not come out with, how would OP feel if he is there, doesn't keep up the contact and the child says why did you let him be there mummy? Speculation about a topic a child won't really understand anyway is a ridiculous basis for a decision.

Starlight456 · 02/12/2018 13:15

If my 10 year old dd came to me I would explain your dad wasn’t at the birth because at that point in time I needed someone to support me through the birth . A very important lesson for a girl imo.

The day it becomes a man’s right to be at the birth of a child is a very grim day.

I have to say as a woman in my 40’s I have no idea if my dad was at my birth nor do I care

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 02/12/2018 13:18

She can have 2 birth partners

Depends entirely on where she's giving birth, but either way, that doesn't mean it's a good idea to have someone who she won't necessarily find helpful. Because physiology.

And men can't give birth, so speculation about whether people would say things that were right or wrong if they did is pointless.

SylvanianFrenemies · 02/12/2018 13:19

Dads being at the birth is a fairly new thing. It's not a fundamental part of fatherhood. My DMIL gave birth alone (apart from hospital staff) - never an issue for DFIL or his relationship with his kids.

Megan, have you ever given birth? There is no more vulnerable time. The OP is the only one who should, decide who is there, and she shouldn't be guilted into anything she isn't comfortable with.

Meganc559 · 02/12/2018 13:23

I have birth in October so yes I know how it feels,I agree he would need to support her but I don't think it would be fair to keep him away

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 02/12/2018 13:38

It wouldn't be fair for him to actually attend unless he was definitely going to be a help to OP. Women having people around them in labour they're not comfortable with can in the worst case scenario stall the process.

SoyDora · 02/12/2018 13:41

He has absolutely no right to be there.
And I’ve never ‘kicked up fuck’ in my life. Mainly because I don’t know what it means.

SoyDora · 02/12/2018 13:42

Would you have wanted someone who you weren’t in a relationship with and had been minimal support during your pregnancy to watch you at probably the most vulnerable point of your life?

Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh · 02/12/2018 15:32

I would give the baby your last name and not his.

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