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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I want to start telling people next week but partner is dead against it. Arrrggghhhhh

36 replies

Iswallowtoothpaste · 28/11/2018 19:15

Hi all, I’ve been spamming recently for which I apologise!

I’m 13+1 today and have a scan next Tuesday when I’ll be 14 weeks as the sonographer couldn’t get the proper measurements at my last scan.

We haven’t even told close family/friends yet. Pretty much no one other than ourselves and relevant healthcare professionals know about the pregnancy.

I want to start telling close family and friends but OH is dead against it until after 20 weeks

Obviously I’m not going to completely disrespect him and do it anyway but I’m asking to tell those who are the closest to us. Not announcing it to the whole world. This all stems from a MMC we had in June at 10+3 (baby died at 9)

I know miscarriage can happen at any stage but I feel as though we’ve passed the main danger zone. I just want to enjoy telling people now. A lot of folks announce to the whole world at 12 weeks and I’m wanting to just tell nearest and dearest at 14 weeks. I thought this was a good compromise but he’s still dead against it 😢

WWYD?

OP posts:

sar302 · 28/11/2018 19:24

It's tricky, and he's probably scared...

We were the other way around. I was dead set on not telling anyone until the 12 week scan, but my husband wanted to announce it on a. Holiday with his entire family at 9 weeks. I said absolutely not, and we waited. I would have been really upset if he's done it without my agreement, and your husband may feel the same.

If not compromise can be reached, the kindest thing might be to wait. You'll still have months to revel in other people's joy :)

MakeAWhish · 28/11/2018 19:31

20 weeks sounds excessive to me. I wouldn't want to wait that long. Surely you need to compromise here, it can't just be his choice.

Original poster

Iswallowtoothpaste · 28/11/2018 19:32

@sar302 it’s not just the fact he doesn’t want to tell anybody, he’s been so negative and it makes me feel as though he thinks something bad is going to happen. I instinctively knew last time that it was going to go wrong, even after a good 7 week scan. This time I’ve been so much more relaxed. Even after 2 bleeds.

We live on a farm and have a lot of pregnant ewes around at the moment, they sometimes miscarry their lambs earlyish on. When you have a flock of over 600 you always get some unfortunately, it’s just nature. Anyway SIL does a lot with the sheep and I think she needs to know for practical/hygiene reasons, I’m not allowed to be anywhere near a pregnant sheep, not allowed to handle clothes that have afterbirth on them and certainly not allowed to come into contact with a ewe that has miscarried, first or second hand.

I wouldn’t ever go against his wishes and just do it anyway. I do respect that and would never deviate from what we’d agreed.

OP posts:

Soiree · 28/11/2018 19:33

I looked pregnant by 18 weeks so people may guess soon!

Original poster

Iswallowtoothpaste · 28/11/2018 19:34

@Soiree I popped out with DD at 16 weeks literally overnight so I think my secret will put itself if I wait too long!

OP posts:

Hengine · 28/11/2018 19:34

Also not telling anyone means you’re not getting any other support- can you explain that you might need your family/friends to talk too?

Original poster

Iswallowtoothpaste · 28/11/2018 19:39

@Hengine this is true, another thing that he just doesn’t ‘get’.

I think it’s unfair to expect me to keep I from EVERYONE until 20 weeks.

OP posts:

TokenGinger · 28/11/2018 19:41

I'm in the same position, OP. I'm 12 weeks today, we have our scan Friday. I want to tell my dad this weekend but he is dead against it. I know my dad is going to be really upset when I tell him I'm so far along and he had no idea.

I am probably going to tell DP that I'm telling my dad this weekend and he's welcome to join me or not, and he can choose to tell his family when he sees fit but I'm ready to tell mine now.

randomsabreuse · 28/11/2018 19:44

With the practicalities of living on a farm it's a case of need to know not want to know....

The first people I told after DH were at work (riding stables) and in the running club as they needed to know in case something happened. Other than that we told people as we saw them.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 28/11/2018 19:45

I don’t understand - if you had a mmc again wouldn’t you tell people for support? I don’t get this hiding it thing - who can you then turn to if it goes wrong. Personally I prefer to tell and get the support.
Telling or not telling people won’t change the outcome of your pregnancy.
Hoping for a healthy and easy one for you.

MrsJane · 28/11/2018 19:52

I can understand why he's scared, but it's your baby and your body too so I think there has to be a compromise somewhere.

I was showing by 11 weeks so it might be difficult to hide by 20 weeks! We told everyone after our 12 week scan.

As worrying as this time can be, it's also exciting and lovely to share the news with people.

I think it's pretty mean if he stopped you from telling your family and closest friends.

Blondebrunette1 · 28/11/2018 20:32

It's a tough one as my husband and I are big on respecting each others wishes but having said that usually we resolve to go with the person who feels most strongly on a topic. In this situation though, given you've gone through so much I'd hope he'd follow your wishes and I agree with you that just telling close people is a good compromise. For my first trimester is always hell so we often end up having to tell people as it's so hard to hide. I hope you reach some common ground and your husband may well feel differently after the reassurance of the first scan. Xx

loupelou7 · 28/11/2018 20:50

My husband and I both wanted to wait until about 20 weeks to tell people but the reality was I started to look pregnant and 14 weeks and definately pregnant looking by 16 weeks so we decided to tell people earlier. Maybe as time goes on and the pregnancy develops more and he sees all is well, he will change his mind. I know me and my husband relaxed a bit once id started looking pregnant, makes it all feel a bit more real and exciting.

ReginaPhalange89 · 28/11/2018 21:09

I think 20 weeks is definitely too long to wait. I'd try and talk to him about it , you need the support of other people not just him. I get that some people don't want it plastered all over social media etc but you've a right to tell close family. Does he know that the chance of miscarriage drops hugely once you're past the 12 week stage? After another scan I'd be pretty confident telling everyone

sar302 · 28/11/2018 21:55

Ok, but the sheep thing is a health and safety issue that you didn't mention in the first post. And yes, I would be concerned about that.

Remember that whilst you have the feelings and instincts of your body, he doesn't. There is no difference for him between this pregnancy and the last. I'm not saying he's right in all this, just that it's something to consider.

Best of luck.

junebirthdaygirl · 28/11/2018 22:35

Count ye compromise on telling family at Christmas. It would be nearly impossible to hold a secret like that over Christmas with seeing more people.
I told everyone very early as so sick l had no choice. But no way would l have waited until 20 weeks. Even acquaintences tell you by then.

mumofmunchkin · 29/11/2018 09:16

The reality is that it's much easier for him to not tell people, than for you to do the same, because you are the pregnant one. At work, he can just go through his day as normal and there's no reason why it would come up. For you, you might be feeling a bit off, your back might be aching, you might be feeling really emotional one day and really need some extra support, you might have a headache and be trying to excuse not taking ibuprofen offered by someone, you might be trying to hide a developing bump, fending off nosy questions from people trying to guess, you're not entitled to time off for antenatal appointments until work know (most of these apply even if you don't work and are just around friends and family) - can you talk to him about the reality for you, and how different/difficult it is for you to try and keep this pregnancy a secret compared to him? You are passed the point you lost the baby last time, and the risk does drop dramatically after 12 weeks.

Original poster

Iswallowtoothpaste · 29/11/2018 09:46

I think I’ve done really well to hide it so far to be honest. I’ve been quite sick and have already been for quite a few appointments thanks to one thing or another. My work are pretty flexible so I’ve been able to swap the days where I have appointments but then I don’t work many hours as I usually do so much on the farm but OH has limited me to paperwork only now (which to be fair is almost a full time job in itself)

I’ve told him that where the Farm is involved and the sheep it’s a need to know basis. We must tell SIL after the next scan at the very latest.

I can totally understand why he’s apprehensive but we’ve had two good scans already and will hopefully have a third on Tuesday.

If god forbid I were to lose this baby now I would have nobody to turn to for support and I’d probably have to open up to close family and friends about why I was inconsolable anyway.

I understand him but I’m starting to think that he’s actually being a bit selfish when I’m going through the physical side of everything.

OP posts:

mummyp33 · 29/11/2018 09:58

Congratulations xx
We told people at 16 weeks as I still birthed at 23 weeks, we held off until we knew we both felt comfortable x

VimFuego101 · 29/11/2018 10:15

I agree you absolutely need to tell SIL if there are health implications of not doing so.

MeredithGrey1 · 29/11/2018 10:26

Can you meet in the middle? You’ll be 17 weeks at Christmas so could announce then? It might be hard to keep it hidden over Christmas anyway, especially if you’re avoiding the wine and wearing suspiciously baggy clothing for example.

I’ll be 14 weeks at Christmas and I’m glad our families already know as I think I’d find it stressful trying to get through Christmas without anyone figuring it out.

Original poster

Iswallowtoothpaste · 02/12/2018 11:39

We’ve agreed that we’re going to tell my mum, SIL and one of my close friends after tuesday’s scan (if all goes well).

OP posts:

AuntMarch · 02/12/2018 11:49

I'm 10 weeks today and scan is not until 14th but I've told those closest just to explain why I'm so tired, quiet and unsociable at the moment! I would want their support if something were to go wrong and feel they deserve to know I'm being like this because I feel terrible and not because I don't want to be around them lol.

I'm glad you've reached a compromise, I'd find this quite lonely without being able to talk about it I think.

my3bears · 02/12/2018 12:10

Maybe suggest he thinks of it this way. If the worst were to happen, what would you do? Hide the miscarriage from your close family/sister? I think that unlikely. So tell them now you have nothing to lose they will support you either way. Everyone else can wait x

Congratulations. I know from personal experience how hard pregnancy after miscarriage is. But try to relax and enjoy it now x

Original poster

Iswallowtoothpaste · 02/12/2018 14:06

The thing is we had a scan at 7 weeks with our last pregnancy and we were told everything looked great and that our chances of MC were less than 4%. We told close family and friends after this scan and then they told other people and before long it seemed as though our news was pretty much common knowledge.

We went back for a scan at 10+3 and found out that we were in the unlucky 4%. The baby had died a week previously. My mum was horrid, blamed my weight for the MC and then we had the sympathetic glances of people not really knowing what to say to us.

I’ve explained to him that M/C is very unlikely now that we’re past the 12 week mark, we’ve had two good scans and have another one on Tuesday so hopefully that will show all is well too. I completely get where he’s coming from, it’s awful having to un tell people. I think he’s more worried about my mums reaction if the worst were to happen. They fell out for a while after he said what she did.

OP posts:

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