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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I don't know what to do, please don't judge....

38 replies

DeeDs33 · 26/11/2018 09:36

Hello,
I'm absolutely devastated that I have to discuss this on here but I really need advice from outsiders or women that have been in similar situations.
Ok, I'll try keep this short.
Basically I have found out I'm pregnant. My partner of 12 months has a low sperm count and in his previous relationship had failed IVF attempts so to him this would mean everything. We have not been actively trying to conceive. I've been on the pill but I've also run a course of antibiotics a few weeks ago so here's the outcome, I'm not acting innocent as yes it did cross my mind that my pill wouldn't be as effective but I also overlook that with my bfs low sperm count, so I hold all responsibilities here.
I have two beautiful sons from my previous relationship 3&6 and my boyfriend is amazing with them. It would all seem a good setting right? ....... wrong....
My partner has a Cocaine habit I didn't realise the extent of it until recent, the closer we got the more he's opened up! He can't have a drink without the stuff, he has to use it every week or I've noticed he gets the shakes, flu like symptoms and is basically itching for it! I've never had him around my children or in my house at any point when that stuff is involved , So please don't judge me. My ex controlled me and I swore never to control anyone so I can't stop him from taking it as long as it's away from home. I've discussed with him my concerns of his dependency, but as all addicts he laughs it off and says he doesn't need it.... there's way more behind this story but that's the just of it... I'm actually considering ending this pregnancy, mentally I can't go through another pregnancy and be left with a newborn if the drugs cause more problems. That happened with my ex (minus the drugs) and it almost finished me ... Please could I have some advice from women who's partner is addicted to cocaine and the impact it has had on your family. I'm so confused.
Thank you Lovelies xx

OP posts:

Cleojinx · 26/11/2018 10:16

Confronting him about his drug addiction and trying to sort it out isn't controlling. Or if it is, it's for the right reasons. The reality is that you need to confront him about it. Assuming you stay together I assume you'll be wanting to live together at some point which you can't do if he has a drug addiction (well you could but obviously it would be extremely unsafe for your children).

Ultimately he has to acknowledge the problem and want to sort it himself but you're essentially enabling him so he's unlikely to see the gravity of the situation. That's why a lot of addicts hit rock bottom before sorting themselves out. Because although they have to make the decision to recover themselves, it often takes a kick up the arse (or many kicks up the arse) for them to understand the seriousness of their problem.

In terms of the pregnancy I can only say that you need to do what feels right for you. Regardless of your DP. If you feel in your heart that an abortion is the right thing then that should be your decision. If in your heart you don't want an abortion then absolutely it should be your choice to keep the child but you will have to prepare for the possibility of raising that child, along with your others, alone as he may not be in a fit state to be a father if things continue the way they are.

MemoryOfSleep · 26/11/2018 10:22

I would tell him either way tbh, though it is your decision 100%. I think a secret line this would drive a wedge between you. If you decide to keep the baby though, I'd make it clear that he won't get solo contact until he's clean.

RosiePosies · 26/11/2018 10:58

It's not controlling to insist your partner not take dangerous drugs OP.

Do you feel like you could have a conversation with him about this, tell him you're pregnant and explain your worries, and him take you seriously? I think the only way forward is to see how he reacts to finding out you're pregnant and see if that makes him reassess his priorities.

I would insist to him that he sees a counsellor if you are going to go ahead and have a baby.

Charm23 · 26/11/2018 13:00

The first thing that popped into my head is that SS would not like the fact he is a hard drug user and interacting with your children were they to find out and so I would give him the happy news with an ultimatum. Hopefully it will make him realise the importance of getting clean/sober. You'll have to be very strong and put all of your kids will being before him though. He HAS to do this.

Original poster

DeeDs33 · 26/11/2018 13:28

Thank you for your messages, I really am grateful ... My two children mean the absolute world to me and if I had known the extent of his drug use in the initial stages I would not be with him and certainly not in this situation, I know a lot of people dabble recreationally on the odd night out and that's all I thought it was! As long as he never did it anywhere near me, but then obviously I've come to learn it's more ... I've told him I'm pregnant, he's so happy, he really wants this. I've told him we are to talk tonight once my children are in bed asleep ... I'm taking no risks, I'm going to tell him I'd like him to stop and seek counselling even if he believes he doesn't need it, or I'm ending this pregnancy. Sounds so vile putting an ultimatum on him such as that, but I can't have a drug user by my side whilst I bring up 3 children ... it's such a shame because he has a heart of gold, a good job and he's so loving and loyal and my children love him as he loves them! I don't see why a man like that would have even started using in excess they way he does, but that's another topic ... Thanks again

OP posts:

Babyno2mamabear · 26/11/2018 19:03

Hi OP, glad youve done the right thing in speaking to him, I know it can't have been the easiest thing in the world.

Despite what you've said about his addiction, he sounds like a pretty good guy. And the fact he went all through IVF to have a baby with his ex proves how much he wants a baby of his own. Maybe this baby will be all he needs to come to terms with the fact he does have a problem.

Now you've told him, he suddenly has another really important reason to live his life in the best way possible. And I hope you both have the strength within you to overcome this hurdle, him seeking professional help and you being the support network he needs whilst he hits his rock bottom in overcoming this.

There sounds like there might be light at the end of the tunnel, please keep us posted and keep talking about this too. I can't imagine the next few months will be easy for anyone.

Good luck with your chat tonight xx

JustHereForThePooStories · 26/11/2018 19:17

Oh you poor thing, what a horrible situation.

This bit stood-out to me:
I'm going to tell him I'd like him to stop and seek counselling even if he believes he doesn't need it, or I'm ending this pregnancy

I think it's clear that he has a dependency and I would never trust someone who is drug-addicted/dependent to make a long-term commitment to giving-up drugs, and sticking to that.

Hopefully this will be the kick he needs to give up cocaine but, if it's not, you might find yourself tied to this man, and with a new baby.

While I haven't experienced what you're going through, I think you're looking at two separate issues here:
Whether to continue with the pregnancy or not
Whether to continue with the relationship or not

If you 100% felt that you wouldn't want to have a third child without the support of the father, I wouldn't park that train of thought completely based on promises that he makes to you now, and may not be able to keep.

If you felt that you could manage being a single mum to three, you might want to think about continuing the pregnancy, but ending the relationship until such a time as he has proved he can stop using drugs.

Twistedinknots · 26/11/2018 19:25

I wholeheartedly agree with justhereforthestories.

This is my thinking also.

Racecardriver · 26/11/2018 19:28

I really wouldn’t have a child with a drug addict. Get rid of him. Keep the baby if you want but don’t tell him. It would be madness to keep someone like that in your life.

Original poster

DeeDs33 · 30/11/2018 12:31

I'm literally at my witts end here ... We had the chat and he was so happy and said everything I had hoped he would have said and we both decided on certain circumstances that we would move forward with this family/pregnancy and get him help and work together to overcome everything......... that's was Monday/Tuesday.....
He has since denied he has any problem, accused me of implying he's nothing but a coke head and has been talking about his Christmas night out with work and how it's all planned and he WILL be going out and can't wait! Which in normal circumstances would be ok, but his work colleagues or mates are all drug users and get into terrible states! Plus we've just found out I'm expecting his first child and the night out has been brought up every night!?! ... I love this man, my children love this man, but it's clear what his first love is ... I'm going to talk to a professional regarding my options with this pregnancy, definitely not a decision I will be making lightly.

OP posts:

ThatOneHurt · 30/11/2018 12:32

Isn't it a total myth that antibiotics effect the pill?

Workreturner · 30/11/2018 12:36

so to him this would mean everything.

Well not really. Otherwise he wouldn’t be doing coke

Do you live with him?

Workreturner · 30/11/2018 12:39

Where does he come across as a good guy?

Original poster

DeeDs33 · 30/11/2018 12:42

Not if the course is over 3 weeks long and/or your taking an enzyme inducing antibiotic

OP posts:

LucyMorningStar · 30/11/2018 12:44

It's easy to comment from the sidelines but my rational head tells me to suggest to carry on only if you're prepared to be a single mother to three children some time down the line. If you can cope with bringing up three children by yourself and can afford it, then do give him a chance to kick the habit. Although it doesn't sound like this is something he will consider. You would need to be strong, ruthless and unwavering to get through that but you sound like you're rather gentle and not very confrontational.

People do deserve second chances and miracles happen, addicts get clean. It is very rare though. Are you prepared to pick up all the pieces when it all falls apart?

Original poster

DeeDs33 · 30/11/2018 12:47

He spends every night here, has a few belongings here but he's still between his Grandads. If he goes out drinking he will stay down his grandads because as I've said above, he will use cocaine and I don't want him near my home with my children. God!! The more I say this out loud the more ridiculous I sound! I honestly didn't know the extent of his use, I honestly didn't

OP posts:

Whyislarryhappy · 30/11/2018 12:49

Tell him your pregnant and tell him your there for him and will help. I have been in this situation (or very similar at least) I vowed to give up drinking with my dp and it worked, fairly easy too. We didn't buy alcohol for a night in, we didn't go to the pub, we didn't have an alcoholic drink with dinner or a celebrational drink at birthdays, Christmas or new year. Because he wasn't drinking, he didnt feel the need for cocaine.
You can help him

Knittink · 30/11/2018 12:52

Personally, I would end the relationship immediately. Being with a drug addict and having them involved with my children is not something I would not consider. It would then come down to whether or not I could cope with another pregnancy and child alone.

Seniorschoolmum · 30/11/2018 12:55

You’re doing the right thing OP. what an awful thing to be faced with.

Your only planning choices here are bringing up 2 dcs on your own or bringing up 3 dcs on your own.
It will only take for him to lose his job and his need for drugs will dominate everything else. You wouldn’t be able to trust him in your house. And you could never have a joint account or a joint mortgage. His giving up is the only way

FruitCider · 30/11/2018 13:00

Hi, I'm a detox nurse and this bit jumps out at me

I've noticed he gets the shakes, flu like symptoms and is basically itching for it!

Tremor, running nose etc is not a sign of cocaine withdrawal. In fact they are in line with opiate withdrawal. Are you sure it's cocaine he has been using?

Anyway, if he cannot drink without cocaine and the cocaine use is always preceded by alcohol use is he willing to give up alcohol?

53rdWay · 30/11/2018 13:05

You can help him

Not if he doesn't want help, you can't.

At the end of the day you can't bring up children with an addict without it impacting on them. He might not be using in front of your DSs but you're already seeing how the cocaine use affects his life and your relationship and that's not going to improve. If he won't stop using - and he won't, he's told you that - then you need to end the relationship at least for now, and decide what you want to do about the pregnancy assuming he won't be in the picture either way. It's shit, but that's addiction for you.

DollyRose · 30/11/2018 13:07

His low sperm count is most likely from extensive drug use. I know drugs especially cocaine effects fertility as well as other problems in pregnancy.
Like people said if he doesn't think he has a problem it won't be untill rock bottom that'll he'll at least try to stop.
If you stay together you will end up living together and I guess how you see yourself handling the situation if he does bring it into the house around the children as well as then seeing the ugly side of comedowns.
I hope he realises soon for you and the children op 💐

BastardGoDarkly · 30/11/2018 13:08

I agree fruit

That's not typical op.

JustHereForThePooStories · 30/11/2018 13:32

It really is an awful situation and it’s a shame his addiction has only fully come to light when you were already pregnant.

For me, I think the fact that having a baby with this man would tie me, the new baby, and the existing two children to this man for life would be something very difficult for me to deal with.

Watchingthetelly · 30/11/2018 13:44

I would be very wary of being dependent on this man. I think you need to work on the assumption that he will not be a good, supportive partner and the relationship is likely to end. If you don't feel that you can raise this baby alone, I would terminate the pregnancy. Really sorry you're in this situation OP, it sounds shit

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