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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Worried I won't love my second child

29 replies

AnnieNonaMouse · 24/11/2018 22:58

I'm 21 weeks pregnant with DS2, but don't really feel bonded to him at all. I have a really close relationship with my firstborn and feel so worried about how a new baby will affect it, as well as how hard it will be for him.

With my first pregnancy it was all I could think about. I was obsessed. But this time I almost forget I'm pregnant half the time. I don't really feel much towards the baby/pregnancy other than a feeling of almost dread (I feel so ashamed writing that), and guilt that this poor baby is almost an afterthought. I feel especially awful about it as before falling pregnant I thought I was desperate for a second child. I did feel relief during both of my scans when everything was found to be ok, but no real sense of excitement.

I suppose I would just like to know whether this is a common experience in second pregnancies, or if I really am having bonding issues. Can anyone reassure me that it will all be fine once baby arrives? Please be gentle.

OP posts:
OhComeOnRon · 24/11/2018 23:08

Hey!
I can't reassure you everything will be ok- but I could have written this post myself.
Expecting my second in jan and I just can't imagine feeling the same love I do for my first again.
I am less excited about this pregnancy but I think that's because this time around I already have a child to look after taking up all of my time and this baby just isn't thought about that much.

However- I spoke to my mum who has 2 and she said this-

'It isn't like having to now share the love you already feel and split it with another child, when I had your sister (I'm the oldest), it was like I just grew and extra heart with the same love for her as I already had for you'

The sweetie.

I've tried not to overthink it. I don't think I was particularly bonded to my first before she was born, but the moment I saw her my heart just exploded.

calpop · 24/11/2018 23:10

It will be fine, dont worry. Normal.

Wolfiefan · 24/11/2018 23:13

I remember this. My first pregnancy took over my life! Id had a MMC and it was all consuming.
My second? Well I had a child and a job and ..... Oh yes and I’m pregnant. I didn’t ever sit and just focus on that baby. I was too busy with the child I already had.
I had a 3D scan which was lovely.
Then she arrived. A whole new and different person to love to bits. Not the same as DC1 but amazing in her own unique way. Your heart expands as your family grows.
Good luck.

Quiltsalot · 24/11/2018 23:15

Very normal and just wait till you have your baby in your arms, you’ll fall in love, e en if it takes a little while. I have 3 and with each one you discover how much (more) capacity you have to love another person.

Singlenotsingle · 24/11/2018 23:21

We all felt like this. With the first one it's all new and exciting. With the second one you think you've used up all the love, and there's none left. But when that baby's born you'll feel exactly the same as you did with the first. It may take a few days, you've got to bond with the new person, but it'll be fine.

PrincessScarlett · 24/11/2018 23:26

Please don't stress OP, it is very normal to feel this way. My second pregnancy was boring and I was just knackered all the time. It went a lot quicker as it is not all consuming like the first.

chicken2015 · 24/11/2018 23:28

Im pregnant with 2nd due beginning of March and im feeling exactly the same! Feeling like im letting my first down by changing her life so much! Just awful feeling, makes me wish wasnt pregnant then feel awful for thinking that!

Snowwontbelong · 24/11/2018 23:30

I have many many dc, all equally loved - you don't have a limited supply you know!!

howonearthdoyoucopewith3 · 24/11/2018 23:45

I felt like this too - its very normal I think. But what you have to remember, for your first child, having a new sibling is incredible. They aren't just your babies, but each other's siblings too. We had no 3 and it's overwhelming how much is big siblings love him and fuss over him. You are giving your first born a gift, not taking anything away!

uppi · 25/11/2018 00:05

I felt like this throughout my second pregnancy. I had huge doubts that I even wanted a second child at points, despite trying for ages and having gone through two mc's. I just dreaded the whole thing. I even saw a therapist as I had PND with my first and was worried it would reoccur.

The rush of love I felt when they placed her on me was unreal. I relive it all the time and dd is 2.5 now. I was on a major high for months after the birth. Hormones are a weird thing!

SheisMammyof2 · 25/11/2018 00:14

I think what you're feeling is very common.. I certainly felt that way. I love this poem about it community.babycenter.com/post/a8338625/poem_loving_two

Chelsea26 · 25/11/2018 00:32

I’m not ‘woo’ at all and felt exactly the same as you while pregnant with my second DS. I can remember and sometimes even re-experience the absolute wave of love that came upon me the minute he was laid on me...

He came out and subddenly it all made sense, of course I can love him like I love my first, why wouldn’t I? He’s my baby.

It was an amazing moment that even now is making me get a little something in my eye, honestly, the love is there waiting for your new baby to appear

SoyDora · 25/11/2018 07:43

I’m 35 weeks with my third and have never felt ‘bonded’ during pregnancy, is it usual to bond with someone you’ve never met?
I think subsequent pregnancies are entirely different to your first, as your focus is on other things. If I wasn’t so huge I’d completely forget I was pregnant this time to be honest. Someone asked me yesterday if I was excited to have a tiny baby again and I said ‘I haven’t really thought about it to be honest’ Blush. I know I’ll adore him when he’s here, just like I do my first two.

Chuffingchuff · 25/11/2018 07:57

I felt this too. With dc1 I was just focused on him while pregnant, with dc2 I was running around after dc1. So it's normal to not be completely focussed on the pregnancy. I also worried I wouldn't love dc2 as much as dc1, but once she arrived that all completely disappeared and realised I had been worrying about nothing. Everything will be fine 😊 congrats on your pregnancy.

LL83 · 25/11/2018 08:05

Really normal to feel this way. First time is magical i came home in a special little bubble of mummy, daddy and baby and nothing else matters as much. 2nd time was wonderful too but my priority was first born, how she had been away at grans for 2 nights, would she feel jealous etc.

However I loved my second just as much as the first. My first born got all my attention initially, second couldn't but the benefits of second having an older sibling to watch and then play with is worth at least as much, if not more.

Original poster
AnnieNonaMouse · 25/11/2018 14:16

Thank you all for your kind responses. I'm feeling much better after reading them. Mammyof2, the poem is lovely, thank you for sharing.

OP posts:
Hmmmbiscuits · 25/11/2018 17:13

Just letting you know I feel a bit like this too. I get the feeling of 'dread' too and I used to love all the kicks with the first, but now despite being huge this time around and the baby kicking away, it still hasn't really sunk in and I don't feel a bond yet.

I think the second time it's knowing what you are in for and fitting another child in to your life (I work FT out of necessity and it scares the hell out of me having 2 kids, a job and a house to run). I'm dreading returning from mat leave and trying to work FT on no sleep like I did before. It sounds a bit controversial, but I think it's a bit easier getting your head round another child if you're a SAHM as you don't have to find the extra cash for childcare.

I'm sure all will be ok when your second is here. I have heard lots of people say the same thing with their second pregnancy.

PissPotPourri · 25/11/2018 17:24

The reality is many of us feel like that and then baby arrives and they are everything, just as dc1 was and actually dc1 who is clearly older and in other stages of development such as tantrums becomes just a little bit of an annoyance between you and your new dc that you want to spend all your time with! Obviously not their fault and obviously you have to shower them with affection and pretend it's not the case... But it is!

MarshaBradyo · 25/11/2018 17:26

You will, just wait they’ll love each other too which will be great

ThorsMistress · 25/11/2018 22:30

I could of written this post myself OP

DS1 is my whole entire life and we've been through so much together. He's my best friend and was so worried about DS2, and would worry that I wouldn't love him like I do DS.

He's 9 weeks old now and the love I have for him is the exact same love I have for DS1. Please don't worry although I know it's hard

pastabest · 25/11/2018 22:40

You think that, and then your own stompy toddler tries to stomp on your new baby and you realise you really, really mind if the baby gets stomped on, and you also don't what to be mean and shout at your stompy toddler who has just had their world turned upside down.

And then you realise that your heart got bigger and there is room for both of them. Even though you are dog tired and hate your partner and have sworn off ever having more children ever again.

Then the toddler hits you and the baby spews on you, but you don't mind just this once.

It will be fine. I promise.

mummyoftwounder2s · 25/11/2018 22:49

You will, trust me! 😉

Tentomidnight · 25/11/2018 22:53

You WILL love your sacond child as much as your first. I promise. Been there, got the Tshirt, love both my children equally Wink

Tentomidnight · 25/11/2018 22:54

*second

Ceilingrose · 25/11/2018 23:05

You absolutely will.

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