to all those with dd's what would you do with a mil thats obsessed with weight

[kittenbaby]

well my mil she is nice and we do get on quite well
but shes very paranoid about weight
shes always moaning about how she wants to lose weight etc, shes coming up for 60 and weighs maybe 10 stone ish so shes not over weight imo
but she likes to go on about it
my mum has a really good attitude to food and has never been on a diet at all and has never made me feel over aware of my body figure
they both weight about the same

my point is i want my dd to grow up feeling happy and confident i dont want mil bad influence making her feel i must be slim i must be slim !!
because theres alot of pressure on girls to be really slim

she can be a bit rude at times she said to me last night, how much do you weigh now?

i replied 11 and a half stone im 38 weeks and 5ft 5
i weighed about 9-9 and a half stone before pregnancy so as far as im concerned this is just about spot on.
although i think she thinks its way too big
and she goes oh my god !!you dont do you ?
then started shouting over to fil who was chatting to my dh about something else can you believe it she weights 11 and a half stone!! shes catching up with you !!!
i wouldnt dream of asking somone 38 weeks pregnant how much they weigh
if they tell you its different but to ask

Ignore her - I love my MIL to bits, but she is downright offensive, rude and insentitive when it comes to weight. Never says a word to me - but is always having a go at everyone else. DD1 is 26 now and was severely bulimic up to a few years ago - MIL knows this yet turned round to DD now she's put a bit of weight back on (and looks good) and actually said "Good god - look how fat you are, you've put loads of weight on and you were so pretty before" . DD sat crying with MIL saying "I'd cry too if I'd put that much on"
Wouldn't be so bad - but I think the smallest she has ever ben herself is about a size 20.
If she asks how much you weigh - tell her it's none of her business and you would appreciate her not mentioning weight around your DD's.

Pic of DD on my profile - the blonde one

OMG she sounds like a nightmare!! Your weight sounds perfectly healthy to me, and it's great that you have such a balanced attitude to weight, which I am sure your DD will pick up on and appreciate as she grows up.

And you are 38 weeks pregnant for heaven's sake - did MIL not put on any weight when she was pregnant?!!!

Thankfully my MIL has NEVER asked me outright how much I weigh (she is very slender and thinks that everyone who is overweight just eats too much) She would internally combust if she knew my weight, although you can pretty much tell by looking!

IMO is extremely rude to ask what someone weighs - esp if 38 weeks pg!!!

My MIL also rude and obsessed with weight - shame for her to spend a lifetime being so self critical.

BTW I also weigh 9 stone when not pg and with both pgs was over 12! (lost again within 6 months I might add!). I would not have answered that question if someone asked me what my weight was while pg - nobody else's business

Joash - what your MIL said to your DD is disgraceful. Comments like that could do someone with an eating disorder a lot of harm.

@ Joash - looked at your profile pics and DD is beautiful - sorry to hear she was bullimic, and pleased that she has beaten it and healthy again now. Does your MIL not realise just how dangerous comments like that can be? Silly woman.

*Sarcastic mode - Isn't it a good job that MILs are perfect in every way therefore totally justified in criticising everyone else ... (grrrrrr)

yeah it is quite rude isnt it, it was one thing when she asked me cuz it was just us two one side of the living room chatting and the two men watching footie chatting but when sh started shouting it out i was a bit taken aback.

joash this is exactley what im worried about i bet you wanted to it her didnt you !

joash ive just looked at your piccys your daughter is beautiful
you must b very proud xx

My MiL and SiL both also have attitudes to weight and weight gain that I find worrying and that I don't want dd exposed to. They both use the word 'fat' with gay abandon, which I think is a horrible word that I don't want used in my home, it has nothing but negative, hurtful connotations! Someone only has to be about a kilo over their normal weight and it's "oh, she's looking a bit fat" The whole time I was pregnant, it was "oh, you are looking fatter aren't you?" Finally, fed up, I said "Fat refers to an unhealthy weight gain. The fact that my tummy is getting bigger means that I am having a healthy baby, so fat really isn't the word you are looking for." Bear in mind I am 5'10", usually weigh about 10 stone 9 and weighed about 12 and half at full term. Hardly gargantuan.
SiL found out over a week ago that I am 15 weeks pg and did not bother to ring and say congrats or anything - just happened to get me on the phone last night when she rang to speak to dh and her only words about the pregnancy were "are you getting fatter?"
Her daughter - aged 13 - is obsessed with her weight. At age 10 she said to me "I have to avoid carbohydrates because mum says that I have the sort of figure that could easily get really fat." At age 10!!!!
My dd is 10 months old and they never see her without commenting on the fact that it's great that she's not fat. I find it really objectionable. Why comment on her physique at all??? I don't want her growing up exposed to that kind of bullsh*t any more than she will be by the media etc.
Okay rant over.

joash what i was trying to say was i bet you wanted to hit her

stargazing i couldnt agree with you more
i dont even think weight needs mentioning at all
i also dont want it mentioned in my home
let alone constantly
girls have a hard time growing up esp because there bodys change so much
they do not need to be made to feel more sensitive than they already do

if my mil was over weight i could understand [very slightly] but shes not so what kinda message is that gonna send to my dd that you have to be underweight!

about a year ago she forced me to go on the scales ! theyd just brought some new electronic bathroom scales and decided to get them out when we came round, she got evryon to go on them when it came to me i said no i dont need to i know how much i weigh
she goes go on, go on them !
so i got on them silly me i know
think i was about 9 and a half stone and she was shouting again going we weigh the same we weigh the same !!
omg !
but im fine with being 9 and a half stone shes not so by calling herself fat what shes actually doing is calling me fat !
which is a bit harsh

i can handle it because i know im not fat
but i just dont want her affecting my dd

Thanks everyone - I think she's gorgeous - but them again I am bias. She is well now - but it's still pretty raw for her. Luckily she has someone who constantly tell her she's beautiful (apart from me, DH and the rest of the tribe).
Yes - I could have quite happily hit my MIL. She often mentions weight to DD2 - but she's very much like me - totally thick-skinned and gives as good as she gets.

Kittenbaby - it is difficult to shelter your DD's (and DS's for that matter) from stuf about weight and body image. All I can suggest is to make sure that your children know how much they are loved for who they are and who they'll become - not just about whether they are thin, fat, blonde, brunette, tall, short, etc, etc. Unfortunately, it didn't work with DD1 (too much peer pressure and bullying at school), but it did with DD2 and DS. The other thing is - by the time I had DD2, I had gone into Youth work and trained in girls work where I specialised in things like body image. I know its a fair way to go yet - but once your DD is old enough - see if there are any girls days or girls events happening at local youth centre or wherever, they're brilliant at this sort of thing.

and kittybaby - tell your MIL that she needs to be careful becasue if she doesn't think about what she says, she may end up with a grandaughter who becomes as unhappy and obsessed with her appearance as she (MIL) appears to be - that usually shuts them up.

From experience, its very hard to get through to someone that self centred.

When SIL starts talking about weight, the latest faddy diet, big stomachs, buxom busts, flabby thighs etc etc I have said to her (pointing at DD) "shhh, not appropriate" or "lets talk about this later".

Oh yes she then goes quiet, completely understands my point, but turns the conversation round to "oh of course, you have to be careful with so many children getting eating disorders....."

Result: DD, aged 5, starts asking me what an eating disorder is.

bangs head against brick wall

Urggh she sounds precious. Everyone knows that you should never ask a pregnant woman: (a) how much she weighs; (b) how many babies she has in there; (c) If she'd mind carrying your bags because you're a bit tired.

Seriously the way to handle this is to say: well obviously I'll need some help with the housework once the baby comes to give me some time to exercise and sort out my diet. Even if it doesn't shut her up, you can encourage her to come round and iron in a room out of earshot while you sit on the couch and chuckle to yourself.

when mil forced me to get on the scales that time i wish id of said no
it may of caused a bit of a scene but maybe her behaviour would of toned down by now
i just felt at the time time totally refusing would make it into a bigger deal
as like i said id already tried to get out of it polietly
maybe if i tell her now before dd is even born she may change her ways
or maybe that is wishful thinking

joash what does your dh make of his mothers behaviour did you try to talk to her or is she not really the sort of person you can talk to
good idea to say the bit about she may end up with a grandaughter who becomes as unhappy and obsessed with her appearance as she (MIL) appears to be
good one ill keep that up my sleeve

oh GOD my FIL was obsessed with this

he also suggested I might like to take up running when the baby was born so as to get rid of the excess weight.

bloody rude but then they are

just kick them in your head

its like they really dont think you should put on weight when pregnant
ffs they dont realise its actually normal and healthy to put put on a good 2 stone
i guess im lucky i had a good influence when i was growing up ive got a good head on my shoulders
bet its really easy it get mad when people say things in front of your kids you dont want them to hear xx

yes i must admit i have some concerns re them and food and my kids

they feel some food is off limits, bascially, and this is all high calorie stuff. So they understand that we are into healthy eating but for them thats aspartame sweetened drinks and skimmed milk (my kids are VERY thin and both preschoolers), whereas for me its most things in moderation and lots of exercise and fruit and vegetables.

It never ceases to amaze me how little privacy and respect people think pregnant women should have. Like, complete strangers touching your belly (AND without asking! gggnnnnnnnnngggghhhhhhh!), people talking to your tum and ignoring your face, etc etc - what the hell is wrong with people?

Why don't you ask her 'perhaps you should think about my feelings before you keep going on about my weight?' I'm sure it's easier said than done, but however you decide to tackle it I think it's important for both of you that you make her aware how much she's hurt you and that even though you know it wasn't her intention, it certainly was the result of her actions.

By the way, don't be like me and wait for an appropriate opportunity. The best opportunity is one that you create, when you're feeling positive and can be firm and clear with her. Just take her aside and let her know.

If it's any consolation I put on 3 stone during my pregnancy and ended up at 13 and a half stone (5'7" and a previous size 10). You know you're looking after yourself, so just enjoy your last few weeks and try not to take such comments too seriously.

Good luck at your birth!

xxx

Kittenbaby she's being a pita. Next time, just airily say "Oh, not sure really, but the midwife thinks the baby's growing well. Isn't that great."

Or, less politely "That's not something you need to know really, is it now ? And didn't you know that it's the baby's growth that matters, not how many pounds or ounces I'm puutimg on...oh well it's hard for you to keep up to date really now your own family's grown up"

Guaranteed to shut her up.

I have a MIL who says stuff like this too, she asked me a few weeks ago if I had put a lot of weight on so far because apparently I look huge for the number of weeks I am. Actually, I've put on far less this time than when I was expecting DS. I've stopped being insulted when she says anything about my appearance, in recent weeks it's been 'Well, you were built for comfort and not for speed anyway' and 'Never mind, you're pretty on the inside'. I used to get very upset but now I try to laugh it off as much as possible or I'd probably go into a huge depression
You sound like you have a great attitude about the whole issue, I'm sure you'll be able to instill healthy ideas into your daughter and point out that it's quite alright to ignore her gran when she goes into these ridiculous rants.

oh i just say "I beg your pardon?"

and if pushed "no, sorry, Im not answering that, you're being rude"

(well i don't say that last but I'd LIKE to)

Kittybaby - DH thinks his mother can do no wrong and makes excuses for her. To be honest - he's often very blunt with some people as well - he doesnt engage his brain before things come out of his mouth. SO must run in his family

and I do let her know what I think, but it's straight in one ear and out the other. She thinks that things only apply to that second of that day and not permenantly IYSWIM. She also uses the excuse "I'm old so I can say what I like" aaaarrrgghhhh!!!!

thanks for all your comments xxx
you have inspired me
im gonna put a stop to this
....or at least try !! lol
think ive been to soft in the past but its not about me anymore.

she even made my dh go thougha period of being a bit anorexic when he was a teenager hes fine now but hes always goes to the gym three times a week and he will not miss it
evn if we are on holiday!
which i know is definatley because of her