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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

"Was it planned?!!...

36 replies

Flamingosnbears · 21/11/2018 16:19

Hello,

Anyone else had this said to them? Ours was from a close friend who should know better...
You try not to get irritated by it but still this is our third and indeed very much planned were over the moon as is everyone else he seems happy for us too it's just a such a stupid, personal inappropriate question!

Just wanted to vent that's all... Wink

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SilverDoe · 21/11/2018 16:20

Yes :(

I am a young(ish) mum and had my first when I was 21 - I was really shocked at a few tactless people asking if both this pregnancy and my next one was planned. I genuinely don’t think they realise how rude it is.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 21/11/2018 16:22

I think people say it to everyone. I was approaching 30 and newly married and people asked if it was planned, especially people at work. It was quite clear that it was!

SilverDoe · 21/11/2018 16:27

Reggie I was thinking perhaps it depends on your circumstances how offensive you perceive it - however I still think it’s an inappropriately probing question. What if it wasn’t unplanned and unwanted, or if it was planned and you were trying for years and had caused a lot of emotional turmoil TTC? I just find it a really sensitive topic and it seems like such an unnecessary question.

I do concede I probably took it worse because I was young and unmarried and didn’t own a house, but I was and still am in a stable loving relationship. It’s hard to explain that to people though I suppose.

ParkheadParadise · 21/11/2018 16:31

Yes both times.
Had dd1 at 15. Why any one asked if she was planned was beyond me.
Had dd2 at 38, most people's reaction was OMG was she planned.
Both pregnancies were surprises.

Switcherpoo · 21/11/2018 16:39

After 5 yrs ttc and 2 rounds of IVF, we were over the moon when I fell pregnant. None of this was a secret yet I still got asked if it was planned. Hmm some people are dicks.

overagain · 21/11/2018 18:27

Yes. It doesn't bother me though. I happily tell people the truth. I'm not really sure why people find it offensive, they're just making conversation.

Belmo · 21/11/2018 18:31

I slightly wish that people wouldn’t ask this - pregnant with number 3 and it is very much unplanned, although not at all unwanted. Don’t really want to talk about our contraceptive failures with everyone!!

Harrykanesrightsock · 21/11/2018 18:34

I also didn’t like have you been trying. It’s like they are asking if me and my husband have sex. Weird.

tarheelbaby · 21/11/2018 18:46

congratulations! Flowers what lovely news! (is what they meant to say)

It's all part of the process to prepare you for all the random junk people (and your child) will say for the next two decades. Grin

Depending on your mood, you can embarrass them nicely: (bats lashes) 'Why, yes, thank you for asking' or rudely 'Oh, no, I got horribly drunk and DP forced himself on me'

It's all at the same place with those people who will want to touch your bump in a few months.

FirstTimeBumps · 21/11/2018 20:08

What annoyed me more than "was it planned" - which I personally don't find too offensive, more intrusive like "were you having sex to try and have a baby or not" - i don't know it just why would people want to know your mindset whilst getting it on? Anyway what annoyed me more was someone passing comment, when I had complained to my other half about my SPD pain "well you should have kept your legs closed". I mean do you go round labour wards and tell this to women giving birth? Regardless of the pain I have had we will likely be planning another in quick succession of this one.

FirstTimeBumps · 21/11/2018 20:10

Should have mentioned that comment to me sounded like they presumed this pregnancy was an accident. It very much wasn't. We have been together 8 years, not a single scare, and perfectly planned and timed thank you very much.

mossyroundhill · 21/11/2018 20:30

When we announced we were expecting DD (first GC in the family, and very much wanted by both of us) this was the first thing my Mum asked us. I think sometimes people just don't engage their brain.

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 21/11/2018 20:44

I've been asked on numerous occasions if this baby was planned as it's baby number 3, one of my school mum friends who I only see at school runs even said to me she didn't know I was trying so was shocked I was pregnant ! It's so rude imo and I've never asked anyone that either and wouldn't even think to !

SenoraSurf · 21/11/2018 21:18

I'm very nervous about getting this question. I'm 24 and started new job in September so almost expecting it! Many people outright asked me if kids are on the cards for the future and for some reason I told them I was adamant that they weren't (even though we were ttc!)
How do you guys deal with it?

FirstTimeBumps · 21/11/2018 21:49

@SenoraSurf our boss (both mine and my OH as we work at the same company) outright asked him if we were trying, in the middle of promotions and premises moves and I'd say he was weighing up whether my OH deserved the promotion based on that. My OH lied to him, because it was nine of his damn business. Do whatever you feel comfortable with but don't feel obliged to be honest with nosey parkers

explodingkitten · 21/11/2018 21:55

. I genuinely don’t think they realise how rude it is.

Why is it rude? Serious question. I wasn't planned. Two of my nephews and a niece weren't planned. What's wrong with that? People have sex, sometimes they get pregnant. There's no shame in that surely.

Essexgirlupnorth · 21/11/2018 22:03

No one actually asked me first time round though was shocked when the midwife asked me at my first appointment if I wanted to carry on with the pregnant before she filled out the form. I told her baby was very much planned and wanted.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 21/11/2018 22:08

99% of the time it's planned at least to some extent, contraception can fail but generally doesn't. If you forget a pill or don't use protection then everyone knows there is a chance of pregnancy, so therefore it shouldn't be a surprise....

Beamur · 21/11/2018 22:25

My in laws asked me. It was rude. DP (now DH) was upset, it was as if they were surprised we would have planned to have a baby.

Bippityboo2 · 21/11/2018 22:44

My oldest is nearly 15 and my second is 14m, the amount of times I was asked if she was a whoopsie were unreal. No, she was very much wanted. In the end I just laughed it off.

Yuzuko · 21/11/2018 22:52

I don't find it offensive at all, I guess unless asked with frowning disapproval! I'm having my third and nearly every person has asked me that question. Doesn't bother me and opens the door for me to blab about how excited I M!

TeaForTiger · 21/11/2018 22:56

I guess it's a bit nosey, but people aren't always thrilled to be pregnant.

It's no reflection on how wanted or loved your baby will be. There's also no shame in being pregnant when you weren't 'planning' on it.

Original poster
Flamingosnbears · 22/11/2018 10:15

Thanks all for sharing your experiences, seems the general consensus is that its bloody rude!

OP posts:
overagain · 22/11/2018 12:56

Why is it rude? I honestly don't understand it!

Cakeandslippers · 22/11/2018 14:43

I think it's a really weird thing to say but I don't get offended by it - I'd be offended all the time if I did.
The weirdest one I had was from a work colleague who I barely know who said "oh was it planned and wanted - I mean, do you want it?' I just looked at her slightly puzzled...I'd only just told her how excited I was to be expecting!

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