"Was it planned?!!...

[Flamingosnbears]

Hello,

Anyone else had this said to them? Ours was from a close friend who should know better...
You try not to get irritated by it but still this is our third and indeed very much planned were over the moon as is everyone else he seems happy for us too it's just a such a stupid, personal inappropriate question!

Just wanted to vent that's all...

But what is rude about it? I get that it's of no interest to someone else but saying that it's a rude question implies that there is a wrong answer. It sounds so judging. During the life of my grandmother there was no planned pregnancy, all her kids were just a product of her happy marriage. What changed?

I got asked this in the middle of Costa by a friend of DP’s. Found it a bit odd, I think it’s best just to say congratulations.

Our pregnancy was planned but I'm the only person I know (of my age) that has planned their pregnancy. Most of my friends will happily admit the baby was a pleasant surprise. I haven't been asked yet as not made the pregnancy public, but won't find it rude when I am, as I think some people are a bit fascinated by the fact that (without sounding belittling to them) you can be the same age but be in a totally different place in life or want different things.
I'm 25 now and got married at 22. We had been together for 6 years. To most people, this was a very young marriage and I got a lot of flack from older (single) work colleagues. But when I asked if they would see it as a problem me marrying somebody after 1 year if I was 30, they said no. So I'm very much up for opening people's eyes a bit.

Interesting way of looking at it gimmeadoughnut123 😊

Surprised at people who don't get why it's rude. It's an incredibly personal question, that's why. Possibly acceptable for a very close friend to ask but certainly not acquaintances, work colleagues or random strangers.

I'm for shocking them back: "planned? God no. He was meant to pull out and cum all over my tits but we got carried away".

TooTrueToBeGood I don't see it as very personal! I see it as making conversation about a pregnancy they probably aren't interested in but feel they should be. To me, it's only like "is it your first" or "do you know what you're having?". I don't see it as asking about my sex life - I'm a married adult woman, most people are probably aware my husband and I have sex.

I had this from a friend when I was expecting my third. This is after I'd previously told her that we were stopping at two. Third was indeed unplanned and so I told that that it wasn't planned. Without the previous conversation I would have found it very rude!!

One of DHs family members, without knowing it was unplanned, said "you should have kept it in your trousers". I was aghast and used the MN favourite for first time, "did you mean to be so rude?". She was most taken aback but didn't understand why I thought she was rude at all.

overagain

We will have to agree to differ then. To me it is not remotely the same as "is it your first" etc. Asking if it was planned is in a roundabout way asking if it was an accident which is, to me, quite an intrusive question. What next if they answer that it wasn't planned? "Oh, did the condom split, did he not pull out in time?".

And what if it wasn't planned and it's actually quite a sensitive subject for the mum-to-be? What right does someone not especially close to her have to ask a question that could very possibly be upsetting?

TooTrueToBeGood fair enough that you feel that way. I am currently pregnant with DC2, unplanned and not particularly happy about it. But I'm not embarrassed by that and happy to tell people. I figure people shouldn't ask if they aren't prepared for an honest answer! But I'm very open about most things!

Oh, and before anyone asks, I never ask if it was planned. But I also nevr ask /2is it your first" a seemingly 'ok' question, as I have friend who find that really hard due to a stillborn first born and her second who died shortly after birth. However I do think if you are honest when asked these things you can either prevent someone asking it again, or can open a dialog about the realities of motherhood. It's why I am always honest when asked such questions (I have numerous health conditions which could have made having kids very difficult/ impossible).

But I also nevr ask /2is it your first" a seemingly 'ok' question, as I have friend who find that really hard due to a stillborn first born and her second who died shortly after birth.
That is something I'd never thought about. Very good point though and a lesson learned for me.