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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Should I have the baby, or should I run like hell?

62 replies

groovergirl · 20/06/2007 10:54

Hello everyone. I'm not only new here, but pregnant (10 wks) for the first time at 41 - an age when I'm supposed to be mature, sophisticated, worldly and all-powerful, and indeed was sort of heading that way when whoops, an accident. Now I'm facing the prospect of giving up the best things in my life - career, income, dancing, travel, seeing my family and friends --- for a home life that has deteriorated badly in the past two or three years. My once adorable but now stern, cold husband resents my having friends or even talking to my mother on the phone. He says he is pleased about the pregnancy but thinks it doesn't matter if my career is ruined and I'm left with no money and none of the camaraderie I enjoy at work. He has also turned into a right bully. Last night, when I asked him to put our names on waiting lists at child care centres near his workplace, whipped round on me in a rage and said "So YOU expect ME to drop the kid off and pick them up?" (Actually, my aim was just to list ourselves at as many places as possible and hope that one or two came good in 2008/9, child care being almost impossible to get in my part of the world.) I dunno. The only positive thing I can think of right now is the new and interesting little person who might be quite fun to hang out with, unlike his/her father. And, being 41, this is my last chance. But since I found out I was pregnant, I've been so miserable, and the matrimonial bust-up that was on the cards last year is looking increasingly likely. Should I go ahead with the pregnancy, or organise a bittersweet end to things?

OP posts:
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tokentotty · 20/06/2007 10:55

Do you think you might be better off with bits of both options perhaps ? Keep the baby but sadly, lose the father....
Sorry to hear about the situation you're going through, I can imagine it's incredibly hard.

morningpaper · 20/06/2007 10:56

There are a lot of issues here. You seem to be asking whether you should terminate the pregnancy in order to save a crap relationship? Is that your question?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man?

scorpio1 · 20/06/2007 10:58

me, personally, i would go ahead. but i openly admit i have very one-sided views which i will not mention

you could go back to work after maternity leave, so you would still get the work atmosphere you obviously enjoy. The income bit-you will get help-tax credits, child benefit, etc. and you can still go dancing!! you just need a nice overnight babysitter!

You can do it; and yes, you can do it alone, if need be. Babies are lush

Good Luck

ZZMum · 20/06/2007 10:58

keep baby dump the dad... that way, with some compromose you keep the good stuff baby, income, career, dancing, travel, friends and family and lose the dead weight...

Quattrocento · 20/06/2007 11:00

No advice to offer you - but thinking of you - good luck.

tokentotty · 20/06/2007 11:00

Also, I think you'll be amazed by the support you'd get from friends and family who are probably desperately sad at how you're being treated at the moment and can see that your husband is trying to marginalise you from all of them.

mytwopenceworth · 20/06/2007 11:00

I can imagine your turmoil but please, you cannot ask anyone to advise you in this matter in terms so direct as should I abort my child or not. It is too much to place on another person. I think that you need to go, quickly, to counselling to help you to discover your own true feelings. Work through the pros and cons, the workability, the way your relationship might change or even the possibility of single motherhood etc etc.

bookthief · 20/06/2007 11:01

If you're thinking about childcare already then it sounds like you want the baby. If that's what you know in your heart that you want, don't ever let what seems like the "practical" or "sensible" thing to do stand in your way.

You should only have a termination (imo) if you don't want to be pregnant.

aquababe · 20/06/2007 11:03

agree with scorpio 1.
Babies only bind you to your house as much as you allow them.
I love dancing with my baby.

Balls · 20/06/2007 11:07

OP - just remember that you have millions of hormones running around you - rather like a crazy PMT session. Even the most stable of marriages can have a rough ride at this stage in a pregnancy as you both adjust to the thought of change and because you will be feeling exhausted and emotional. So be very very cautious in any irrevocable decisions you take. If necessary go to a counsellor with your husband - sounds like he is feeling very alienated himself right now and doesn't know how to express it except via misplaced jealousy and sniping. HTH

Boco · 20/06/2007 11:07

It sounds like you love your job and your marriage is not working - so obviously the job is keeping you sane and you're anxious about losing that. Having a baby is a huge life change - you'd find support in other places if that's what you decided to do.

I don't think anyone here can give the best advice on keeping the baby as it's such a huge huge thing - i really think you need some urgent counselling to get it all clear in your head.

If your husband is a cold nasty bully as you describe, then you certainly need to make some changes - but only you know if you can change your marriage for the better or end it.

Good luck with everything

MarshaBrady · 20/06/2007 11:09

It is a very delicate issue, but i think you wont be sad if you decide to keep the baby. It may be very hard, but hopefully not sad (you can always return to your career, you dont need to listen to the father on that score). Could you have counselling to help fix the relationship?
I should imagine this is a difficult question for lots of people on this website to answer as most know the joy of babies. Please take care in your decision. As aquababe says you can go dancing with your baby!

MarshaBrady · 20/06/2007 11:11

god i hope that didnt sound up myself, i dont know others find these questions hard. I do a bit, i shouldnt speak for others. Good luck
remember you have mn to support you whatever you do..

groovergirl · 20/06/2007 11:26

Wow, thanks so much everyone, I'm stunned by the rapid response! And please don't think that I think you're trying to make the decision for me; I really appreciate all these comments from people who are already mothers and obviously don't regret it. Anyway, yes, a counsellor had better be the next step.
BTW I'm in Melbourne, Australia, so it's evening here, but I'm still in the office because I just don't want to go home ... and that has been the nightly story of my life these past few years.
And BTW, I would LOVE a little boy or girl to dance with and kick a ball with and just have fun with!

OP posts:
cupcake78 · 20/06/2007 11:28

Don't terminate your baby unless you are absolutely sure you don't want it (for what ever reason) and certainly not because the Dad is being difficult. If you are even contemplating keeping it and looking at future options then you have already made your decision.

If you did terminate for the reasons your suggesting I personally (may be very wrong) think that you would regret it.
Unintentionally blameing the Dad to the point that the relationship would breakdown anyway and you would be left longing for the baby you never had and always wondering what if.

Just have it! You hear more people say they wished they had kept baby than wished they never had them. As for giving up the best things in your life, you may not be able to do them as often but certainly will not have to give them up.

MarshaBrady · 20/06/2007 11:28

yay good on you groovergirl. I went to Melbourne Uni so lived there for 5 years. How is melbs? the weather good? no it must be winter.
if i was there and you hated your hubby you could come round and hang out in my jardin... to avoid him, rather than work ha ha

groovergirl · 20/06/2007 11:37

Yay Marsha, Melbourne Uni is lovely and what about that wicked gothic Mad Max carpark!! The winter weather continues to be somewhat brisk but I suppose that once the foetal growth process really kicks in, that will keep me nice and warm (oh, and chew up some of my cellulite ... here's hoping!)
Thanks everyone, I feel so much better already.

OP posts:
Pheebe · 20/06/2007 12:14

hi groover

Tough decisions always floor me so I try and break them down into individual issues and work my through em. it seems to me you've got 3 things to think about here that are actually quite separate issues:

  1. whether YOU want to continue with a pregnancy (remember you won't be giving up all the best things in your life there'll just be another person to share them with)2. whether your marriage is going to work long-term; what you can do to try and make it work; whether you even want it to work
  2. whether you want to bring a child into a relationship that might be failing; its incredibly tough on the strongest of partnerships

my advice would be to find a councellor to help you work through all these issues

Good luck and a tentative congratulations on your pregnancy

PBirdy · 20/06/2007 12:33

Groovergirl

I think you will regret losing the baby, but I don't think you will regret having it. Careers are important sure, but having a baby you will be away from work for what, a year? For some people it is way shorter. In the grand old scheme of things it is not such a big deal and certainly I think you will get way more out of becoming a mother than another year in the office.

Good luck with your decision. I think your partner needs a bit of a reality check.

XX

SoupDragon · 20/06/2007 12:39

You need to take the father out of the equation in a way.Don't terminate just on the off chance this would save your marriage - what if it doesn't?? You need to make the decision based on how you feel about becoming a parent.

SoupDragon · 20/06/2007 12:40

My doctor once said to me that the people who cope with a termination are the ones who view it as a problem not a baby. To me, it sounds like you see the baby.

KerryMum · 20/06/2007 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiredemma · 20/06/2007 12:44

I would terminate the father- men with attitudes like this generally get worse once there is a new addition to the family.

MarshaBrady · 20/06/2007 12:45

i also think if you terminate to save a marriage, your marriage will disintegrate as you will start to resent your dh. I think you should keep it definitely. Enjoy melbs if i was there i would welcome your baby into the world, i love babies. Sod the father if he doesnt get it.
I know it sounds flippant, sorry but i do so want you to experience the real love with the baby (rather than the sadness you seem to be experiencing in a difficult relationship).

beller · 20/06/2007 12:53

Hi Groovegirl.
Im now 13 weeks pregnant...my boyfriend tunred into an ostrich when he found out ( unlplanned also), and has contacted by phone a few times....I had to make the decision whetjer to bring the baby up on my own ( he wanted a termination), or not..I went to see a counsellor, so I knew the decision i made was the right one....I decided ot kep the baby, as like the others have said..the baby wasnt the problem..my ex was, and as soon as i took him out of the equation, the answer was easy!! I had my scan yesturday, and seeing that little baby squirm, kick and wave, was the most amazing thing i have seen in my life. Being a single mum wont be easy (ex may come round, but not banking on it), but will definately be fullfilling, and my friends and family have been great...
Hope you come to a decision that you feel happy with xxxxxxxx