Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Should I have the baby, or should I run like hell?

62 replies

groovergirl · 20/06/2007 10:54

Hello everyone. I'm not only new here, but pregnant (10 wks) for the first time at 41 - an age when I'm supposed to be mature, sophisticated, worldly and all-powerful, and indeed was sort of heading that way when whoops, an accident. Now I'm facing the prospect of giving up the best things in my life - career, income, dancing, travel, seeing my family and friends --- for a home life that has deteriorated badly in the past two or three years. My once adorable but now stern, cold husband resents my having friends or even talking to my mother on the phone. He says he is pleased about the pregnancy but thinks it doesn't matter if my career is ruined and I'm left with no money and none of the camaraderie I enjoy at work. He has also turned into a right bully. Last night, when I asked him to put our names on waiting lists at child care centres near his workplace, whipped round on me in a rage and said "So YOU expect ME to drop the kid off and pick them up?" (Actually, my aim was just to list ourselves at as many places as possible and hope that one or two came good in 2008/9, child care being almost impossible to get in my part of the world.) I dunno. The only positive thing I can think of right now is the new and interesting little person who might be quite fun to hang out with, unlike his/her father. And, being 41, this is my last chance. But since I found out I was pregnant, I've been so miserable, and the matrimonial bust-up that was on the cards last year is looking increasingly likely. Should I go ahead with the pregnancy, or organise a bittersweet end to things?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
harpsichordcuddler · 20/06/2007 12:57

sorry groover but he sounds a total twonk
your baby, though, sounds lovely
you are really talking to a biassed crew here. once you have had a baby, mostly you start to see the point of babies. babies are lovely, babies are good news. you lose stuff, but you gain loads more.
why would you give that up? and for what?

paulaplumpbottom · 20/06/2007 22:39

It might suprise some people to learn that you can still do all those things and have a baby.

miniegg · 20/06/2007 22:45

i agree with what others have said - terminate the husband if you really can't work it out with him. Have you tried talking it all through with him,gently? Is he really so awful? if so,then it's time to question why you are still with him.
As someone who has had an abortion (some years ago now), even though I thought it through very carefully, and it was the right decision at the time - i do not exactly regret it - I wanted to warn you that that it does not "go away."
I am now happily 36 weeks pregnant and can't WAIT to be a mum. But my experience changed my views on abortion - it is a lot harder on women than they themselves predict sometimes.
You would be surprised how those maternal feelings REALLY kick in after a termination - it's horribly ironic.
Nobody can make this decision for you but i really wanted you to be aware of how hard a termination can be, even if you've weighed it all up logically etc. You can work it all out in your head - or think you have - and then find your heart reacts a bit differently to what you expected.
And at 41, as you say yourself, this could be your last chance. good luck with whatever decision you make - it will be the right one for you

Uki · 21/06/2007 00:10

Good morning groover girl

I'm in Oz too, so I hope you got a good night sleep and worked things out a little.

I just wanted to say that I think your dh's feelings are quite normal and yours as well, it is quite a scary thing getting pregnant even when you are expcting it, and all those comments people make "oh, your life will change forever" etc don't help (and they are not that true). Dh sounds very scared and anxious about the whole change. You probably need to focus on just having the baby first, not all the work stuff, it really will fall into place later, put your names on the lists, if you want but work on other things.

I would recommend ante- natal classes and books for dh if you do go it together, men often feel left out. I never thought my dh would take to children the way he has and I put having children off for yearsbecause i didn't think he would help much, he is an amazing father though, almost too involved, so you never know.
Give it a go and if he doesn't come good, then you can alwayys change tracks. Your career, social life and travel are all still possible with a baby

madamez · 21/06/2007 00:59

There is another option to consider, and please don't think that I'm making light of your situation or your feelings. You could continue the pregnancy and have the baby adopted. This is something else that you might want to discuss with a counsellor or counsellors. I certainly considered it when I found myself very unexpectedly pregnant at the age of 39 - though I kept my DS and don't regret it.
I was adopted myself which is perhaps the reason I remember it as the third option between termination and parenthood.

But I do agree with other posters that if you terminate only because your DH pressures you to do so, your relationship is likely to implode afterwards.

groovergirl · 27/06/2007 09:39

Thanks everyone, I do so appreciate your thoughtful comments. I have booked my first ultrasound for July 6 and have decided that, if all is going well chromosomally, I'll go ahead with the pregnancy ... and ditch the man, if need be. (He is unbearable; every night when I get home from work, we fight. He says he wants the baby, but frankly, I do not want such a cold, stern, humourless person around a sweet child of mine.) This may mean having to move back to Sydney to stay with my parents, who have been great, by the way; they are so happy about the prospect of their first grandchild. And for the first year or so it won't matter which city I'm in, as I won't be working.
In the meantime, I'll be seeing a lawyer to sort out the joint property issues. Damn and blast that huge mortgage! I thought that moving to a bigger place would make him happy, but it has actually made things worse. He forbids me to dance because it disturbs the carpet. (!!!! But I still do it anyway, heh heh.) Now, would a baby make such a fuss about such a thing?

OP posts:
lemonaid · 27/06/2007 09:44

Babies loooove dancing.

Aloha · 27/06/2007 09:46

Babies make much bigger fusses about things you wouldn't believe - but the difference is, you love them anyway.
I had my second baby at 41 - she's two now and completely perfect. Your husband might be a crap partner but great father, it has been known. He doesn't have to leave the parenting picture even if you don't stay together, and overnights and weekends at dad's will give you time for dancing.
Having a baby is rarely ultra-easy, though you may well have one of those lovely sleeping, gurgling babies, but you sound just the person to do it! Congratulations!

Lizzer · 27/06/2007 09:47

Hi groovergirl, i read your thread last time and hoped you'd be in touch. Well done on your desicion and good luck with the ultrasound

I was younger than you but did exactly the same with my dd (now 7) splitting up from her father whilst pg was probably the best thing I ever did, given his controlling and abusive ways. My parents were a great help too and I'm sure yours will be the same. Its not that hard on your own if you have a great family around you, and not forgetting mumsnet of course.

MrsScavo · 27/06/2007 09:54

Grooverfirl, I think having your first baby at 41 and saying goodbye to your husband is a great idea. You really don't have to say goodbye to your friends and social life when you have a baby (you just need to sort out some decent childcare.)

Your DH sounds like a misserable so and so. If he doesn't wnat you dancing on the carpet, imagine how he'll react when the baby is sick on it, or spills some juice.
I think your best bet is to get you and your baby a smaller place (with wooden floors ) and dance till your hearts content.

Obviously the comming months wont be easy, but think of the long term satisfaction.

Enjoy this new phase of your life.

Glimmer · 27/06/2007 09:59

Hi Groovergirl. Sounds you are very comfortable and happy with your decision. Nobody sais it will be easy but it will be worth it -- you'll dance through it! Have you considered marriage conselling? I think it could help either sort things out between uou and your partner or, if you decide it is the right thing to separate, it could make the separation process easier without ugly fights over property etc. I have it seen that men were were unhappy about the situation but didn't know how to address or change things...

mozhe · 27/06/2007 10:02

Your career is not ruined if you have a child....IF you decide to go ahead organise childcare and go back to work as early as possible. Earn your own money, bring your child up yourself if need be...but I suspect the moment the LO appeared your DH would be very different...haing a child is an important psychic event for men as well as women....I wish you luck....
There's plenty of help/support for WOHMs on MN and loads of ideas re; childcare etc..

Anna8888 · 27/06/2007 10:13

Keep the baby. Babies are wonderful. Children too. You won't miss 3/4 of the things that you now think make your life fun and worthwhile and that you will not have time for once you have a baby. This is one of the huge advantages of late motherhood - you've already done so much that you know that a couple of years out hanging out with your child is only gain, not loss, in the tbig scheme of things. And you will learn more than you ever dreamed of taking care of your child.

As for the rest - let it work itself out around the baby.

groovergirl · 27/06/2007 13:01

I agree, Anna; it IS an advantage to be so far along in life that one is bored witless by so-called sophisticated pleasures such as shopping, sitting around drinking coffee, then more shopping. Yawwwwn! I have been so over all that for such a long time and would much rather be romping in the park or drawing pictures with coloured pencils. The trouble is, it's been years since I had anyone to do such things with ... but if a like-minded and energetic small person should come along punctually next January, I may get my wish.
The other good thing about being OLD is that I have heaps of long-service leave to be paid to me on top of maternity leave. Yay!

OP posts:
flightattendant · 27/06/2007 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

becklespeckle · 27/06/2007 14:30

Groovegirl, you sound like you are already in love with your baby!
You do give up certain things but being a mother is the most rewarding job in the world and I doubt it will be a decision you will ever regret. There is no reason why you can't keep your career and have your baby too, with or without your husband (although it sounds like without would be more fun - no dancing???!).
Good luck with your scan!

MrsScavo · 27/06/2007 18:16

I didn't mean to sound flippant when I said leaving you DH would be a "great idea", but sounds to me like the best option, based on the information I've read. Good luck!

Anna8888 · 28/06/2007 07:10

Just read your earlier post about returning to Sydney to be looked after by your parents - that sounds like a very good idea indeed (if they are willing and supportive) .

I got lots of parental (well, maternal) support when my baby was born and I highly recommend it. Mothers are so much more useful/supportive than partners IMO . The very best sort of mother knows to look after her daughter and let her daughter learn to look after her baby. If your mother's like this - jump at the chance, you'll get the very best start to motherhood out

beller · 28/06/2007 10:40

Congratulations on your decision Groovegirl!
IM 14 weeks pregnant today and am in the midst of splitting with the father, as he wanted a termination too. He may come round, but im not sure its for the best if he does, (the way he has been).
YOu sound totaly grounded and looking forward to it now...big hugs!! If your due in January, there are "ante natal clubs" Im in the "due in the new year " one, but whatever month your due, go and join if you fancy, its great support xxxxxxx

maxbear · 28/06/2007 11:46

Having a baby completely changes your life, I personally have never been happier than in the last 2.5 years since I became a mother. It is the most wonderful life enriching thing to do & i'm sure that 99% of parents would agree with that.

MrsMar · 28/06/2007 13:25

Groovergirl - you sound really lovely, and are obviously going to be a fantastic mother! I hope everything turns out ok for you. I've never thought a baby would hold anyone back from their careers, my mother went back to work when I was 2 (almost unheard of back in the 70s) and has had the most fantastic career, travelled widely, and always earned more than my dad. When I got pg and was bemoaning how I'm going to cope with a career, she said "of course you'll cope, you just do".

And if things don't work out career wise, you can always reassure yourself a child who's happy and loves his/her mum is much more rewarding. No one ever said on their deathbed "I wish I'd spent more time in the office!"

good luck x

Kimblebee · 28/06/2007 13:33

I'm also having a bit of a dilemma, but Groover, nowhere near yours! I'm currently in the process of finding out if I'm pregnant, two faint lines, no period, waiting on Doc's verdict. It couldn't have come at a worse time however. I recently found out that my hubby of 7 months recently slept with some random girl and caught gonnorhea, which thankfully, I didn't get! I now have this dilemma to deal with, should I keep the baby and the cheating hubby? It's not the first tim ehe has been unfaithful, but it is the first since we've been married. I love him so much, but would a baby really put that much of a strain on our relationship? He wants me to be pregnant, and if I'm honest, the idea of it is actually appealing to me. Will he ever change though? I can deal with him betraying me, I'm used to it. He's not a nasty man, he's lovely and caring and if I think about it, the cheating seems to be one of his ownly downfalls. I just can't deal with him betraying our kids as such. Some advice here would be very much appreciated. I moved away from England to Germany as he's in the army, so family not around and quite scared xxx

Anna8888 · 28/06/2007 14:04

Kimblebee - how can you put up with your husband sleeping around? Please, love yourself a bit more and him a bit less... {{{{hugs}}}}

MrsMar · 28/06/2007 14:14

I can't speak for you and your dh, but I couldn't take my dh back after he'd cheated on me, I'd never be able to stop imagining him with another woman every time we had sex. He would just be tainted in my eyes...

RGPargy · 28/06/2007 15:28

I second what both Anna8888 and MrsMar have said!

Once a cheat, always a cheat (as proven already!).