Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Boyfriend called me selfish for wanting my mum with me when I give birth?

30 replies

Lou0219 · 13/11/2018 20:15

My OH made a huge issue over me wanting my mum in the birthing room saying he wanted it so be just me & him. Am I wrong?
Thanks

OP posts:
Bigonesmallone3 · 13/11/2018 20:25

I think it's upto but naturally ur mum will take over as it's her baby she will see in distress and ur partner may not feel comfortable comforting u in front of ur mother.. I have always had just me and DP and wouldn't have it any other way.
Personal preference

PirateWeasel · 13/11/2018 20:27

When he's going through hours of labour and pushing out a tiny human he can call the shots. Until then you're the boss and he should support you whatever you want.

Pissedoffdotcom · 13/11/2018 20:28

I had my mum at my first birth, & planned to have her here for DS but the little sod went way over. My mum didn't take over, or interfere in any way, she was there when i needed her. She was better support than my ex who was useless but she took her lead from me. I will never ever forget having her there & i'm honestly gutted she couldn't make DS' birth. Your partner needs to get over it. You decide who is there...you could refuse him there if you so desired!

Greensleeves · 13/11/2018 20:30

Tell him to come back when he's pushed a walnut out of his willy

FogCutter · 13/11/2018 20:32

Neither you or your partner are 'wrong' to have different views about who you'd like to be present at the birth.

Perhaps he wants it to be a special time for you as a couple? Or he's concerned your mum may take over in supporting you?

gamerchick · 13/11/2018 20:32

It's up to you who you have there. Tell him you want both of them and he needs to find a way of dealing with it.

GMtoBe · 13/11/2018 20:32

Agree with PP. You are the one giving birth, it's up to you. Your feelings should be absolute priority. For what it's worth, I had my mum and my husband at the birth and I was so glad I did. I was induced and was in the delivery room for 19 hours. They were able to both go for a break taking it in turns so I was never alone. When my daughter's heart rate dropped and her birth became an emergency forceps delivery my mum was there to support my husband as well as me at a very scary time. Well worth having a second birthing partner I would say.

ZackPizzazz · 13/11/2018 20:33

Damn right you're selfish. You're the birthing mother. The first, last and only principle of giving birth is that the woman giving birth decides how it goes and who is there to make it easier for herself. And if he's going to be a dick about it, he's going to make the birth harder and perhaps needs to be outside himself.

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 13/11/2018 20:34

Your the one giving birth. It’s your decision, if your mum brings you comfort when your in pain then she needs to be there. He doesn’t get to decide.

I think when I’m in labour I’d want my husband there and I’d probably tell my mum I don’t want her there, and then I’d go into labour and cry for her to be there so my mum and my husband (if my mum is close enough to come)

peachesarenom · 13/11/2018 20:35

I'm having my mum and DH. I didn't ask my mum as she is normay looking after the over grown baby that is my dad but she offered. I'm so pleased she'll be there as she will defo support both DH and me.

DH is great at providing comfort but you know sometimes you just need your mum!

Sexnotgender · 13/11/2018 20:36

You’re the one giving birth, it’s your decision. He needs to respect your needs.

KateTTC123 · 13/11/2018 20:36

I went into labour very suddenly at 29 weeks. I had no plans for labour, as it was so early, but vaguely thought it would just be dh and I. When it came to it though I really needed my mum to be there too. She drove 4.5 hours in the middle of the night to be with me and it was wonderful. I think, at such a difficult time, in your life having your mum there is incredibly comforting. If you want her there, have her there, it is your choice.

AssassinatedBeauty · 13/11/2018 20:41

Why would he want to try and stop you having your mother there if that's what you want? You're the one who will be giving birth, if you want your mum there then that's fine.

It's called labour for a reason, it's not a short romantic special moment, it's long bloody hard work all done by you. Your mum doesn't have to automatically take over, you can talk to her about what you'd like.

He's also being quite short sighted. I was in active labour for well over 24 hours, and having a second person there meant my partner could go and eat, phone people, go to the loo etc without worrying about me being left alone.

user2085372673 · 13/11/2018 20:42

I wanted my mum the first time and didn’t ask my husband as I thought my he would find it weird. The birth was so awful with loads of intervention, I was so frightened and knew she would have helped. I really missed her and wished she was there. She arrived a few hours after the baby was born and did everything I needed someone for - buying me fruit, tidying the room. My husband was wonderful but she’s a woman and has done it before and knows me.

I’ve had her at the other two and not regretted it for a moment, she’s made the second two so much more relaxing. I love that she saw two of her grandchildren being born. I would insist on her being there if you think you want her there.

tallwivglasses · 13/11/2018 20:44

What are his reasons? If you want your mum with you that must mean you have a good relationship with her - you know she'll be supportive. I can't see how your H can object to that. I was at both DD's births (the 2nd one a home birth with DGS present). I felt honoured to be there. Stick to your guns!

NotSoThinLizzy · 13/11/2018 20:50

My other half was completely pointless and useless at my births had mum instead which was a huge help as she told me to shut up and get on with it 😂 wasn't afraid to tell me I'm being unreasonable where as OH just stood there

Chilli81 · 13/11/2018 21:15

I have to say I'm a bit split. I would have liked to have my DM there but realistically knew she would take over and not allow room for DP. In both labours DP has really stepped up to the challenge and been amazing. I don't think he'd have got the chance if my DM had been there.
Also I know that we are the ones pushing the babies out of our fannies but it is their child too and I wouldn't underestimate the bonding experience of going through that just the two of you.

Blondebrunette1 · 13/11/2018 21:22

I don't think you're selfish, but personally I felt my husband was the only person I wanted. It was important to us that we welcomed our babies together before introducing them to our family. I know he would've been hurt if I included my mum in the birth and it would've changed his whole experience and mine. Lots clearly feel that as you're giving birth it's up to you who you want to be there and I get that but I didn't see it as just my experience. There was no one else present at conception and he was an equal parent and my main support through the whole pregnancy, I couldn't have got to that point without him and he was great at looking after me/us. We are all different though and if you think he's the sort to fall asleep in the chair, go out for coffee breaks, faint at the first sight of blood etc. I can see why you'd like a second birthing partner. One other thing I'd have felt bad having my mom in and not his, I know some will see this as crazy (to be clear my husband wouldn't welcome either 😂) my mum is extra special to me of course but my mother in law is wonderful too and Id hate her to feel (she'd never say) the "mother of the dad" and less important as they were both brilliant. Everyone is so different though and I don't think your decision is wrong. Xx

HelenUrth · 13/11/2018 21:22

Does he think himself and yourself will be the only ones in the room?

Or does he realise there will be various staff in and out, but wants himself to be the only one you know?

Personally I'd feel my mother wasn't at the conception and there would be no way she'd be at the birth, but you're the one going through the labour and delivery and I would say your needs trump his.

mellongoose · 13/11/2018 21:24

We didn't plan to have mum there, but she popped her head in to the room and I didn't let her leave!! I was bleeding and vomiting and sometimes only your mum will do!

DH was brilliant. Mum was brilliant. Mum helped me through the most difficult bit and DH delivered baby. None of this was what I thought would happen! It's a really special memory for me.

Am pg again and we are all happy for it to be just DH and I this time!

WeeMadArthur · 13/11/2018 21:27

You are the one giving birth, everyone else in the room is in a support role, so bring in the support you need.

tabulahrasa · 13/11/2018 21:29

If you’re not allowed to put yourself first during childbirth, when the hell are you?

parchworkpatty · 13/11/2018 21:32

His baby too.
He should be able to be at the birth of his child.

It's not exclusive to you having your mum there for you. Although I didn't want anyone there who wasn't present at conception (barring medical staff)

user1493413286 · 13/11/2018 21:35

It’s your labour so your decision. My DH said it was up to me then after I decided it would be just me and him he then admitted he was glad as he wanted it to be something we did the two of us. My point is that there’s nothing wrong with him wanting that but essentially he doesn’t have the choice; it’s yours to make

Purplealienpuke · 13/11/2018 22:03

I was at the birth of both my grandchildren at the request of my dd.
I wouldn't have insisted or gone if it had trodden on the father's toes.
But it was an amazing experience to witness my beautiful small people being born!
Do what you think is right, your choice .
Good luck 💐