Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I just need somewhere to talk.

27 replies

APositiveMind · 13/11/2018 19:59

Not really a question but I just need to get this out.
Me and DP, both have always said we want children, DP said he wanted kids by the time he was 30, he's 31 now. We decided to start trying.. after my first baby-trying ovulation u
During the TWW he decided he wants to wait. I'm distraught, there has been many tears. I haven't shown him how upset I am but I've told him and he knows I've cried. But that's not what I want to talk about necessarily.
It's everyone else who keeps asking, my SIL who I did tell when we were trying because she's been there and done that. Keeps asking if he's changed his mind, he hasn't and I feel almost embarrassed to say it.
I had a weird dizzy spell at work the other day and almost every colleague who was there to help get me water and shit me down asked if I might be pregnant, I'm not. But them asking without knowing what is going on has made me incredibly sad.
Tonight I went to see my dad and told him about said ill moment at work, who then himself and his wife asked if I might be pregnant, they also don't know.
I know I can't be mad at people who don't know any different. But I am totally disheartened and it's not easy to laugh it off and say 'Absolutely not!' To everyone, because I wanted it so badly. I feel almost guilty, it was one cycle and there are people who have medical reasons why they can't. I was ready, I was prepared and now I'm broken and I don't want people around me to know I feel so down.

I know it's a long one and I'm sorry if you've read the whole thing, I just wanted to off load.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

APositiveMind · 13/11/2018 20:01

Sit me down.. definitely not shit me down

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 13/11/2018 20:09

It's ok to want to talk about it and it's ok to feel sad about no longer trying. What is his reason for waiting? Do you think that he will keep saying wait until it's too late?

Original poster

APositiveMind · 13/11/2018 20:14

There isn't much of a reason, just that he isn't ready. I know it can take up to a in year for healthyccouples to conceive so I know that when we eventually do try it could be an even longer wait which the thought of waiting for the go ahead and then having to wait longer for an outcome makes my stomach feel sick. He said that we will wait until next year, but I asked him what would change between now and then and he didn't have an answer and was very dismissive, so I feel like he won't be ready then either. I'm so happy in this relationship and he treats me like a gem, but if he isn't ready for children next year either I just don't know if I can forgive him. I already slightly resent him for letting us try and then snatching away the opportunity so suddenly.

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 13/11/2018 20:29

Yes, it's a bit of a quick reverse and an unexpected one.

Could you have a talk with him and ask for either a definite date to start trying, properly without backing out, or a decision that he doesn't want children. If he doesn't want children he needs to be honest and say so now, rather than keep putting it off. Then you can decide what you want to do.

Original poster

APositiveMind · 13/11/2018 20:39

If love to say I will sir down and talk to him, but the last time I tried he accused me of forcing it on him, then said he doesn't like talking about it with me because he's 'a push over and will 'give in' to me. He made me feel like a complete monster for just wanting an answer so I've tried night bring it up but now I just feel alone

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 13/11/2018 20:56

Oh dear. That's not a good response. You're not a monster for wanting to talk about it, it's a normal thing for a couple to talk about and be clear on.

I would try again, but be prepared for when he comes out with this idea that he will be pushed into agreeing with you. I'd have a response ready along the lines of that not being true, and it being very unfair of him to blame you for his own behaviour.

peachesarenom · 13/11/2018 21:00

I think you have to seriously think about what you want in your future.

I've heard so many women tell me this sort of thing and then it's too late for some or they have to then wait for IVF or all sorts. Sometimes their DH goes off and has a baby with another woman.

This has to be a joint decision, it can't be all about him.

Original poster

APositiveMind · 13/11/2018 21:41

Thanks both for your support. I'll try and talk to him again, now I feel like I'm not just being a pressurising babezilla and my opinion is just as valid and means just as much as his. I have nothing to lose!

OP posts:

PBobs · 13/11/2018 21:55

Hmmm. I think this is so difficult. I wanted babies when I was in my early 20s. Then I made a busy life for myself and really didn't have any interest all the way through my 30s. I thought I'd never have them. DH and I even started designing our forever home with no child's room. Then suddenly at 38 wanting a baby hit me and 2 months later I was pregnant. Now at 10+2 and hoping it sticks. My DH would have been happy with or without a baby and ultimately I would have been too but we are over the moon now.

People do change their minds and you do have to respect that. Whether you choose to stay with them is up to you. I would say unless you're a lot older than him you have still got time - I don't agree with the minor panic on this thread that you're running out of time. But that said he needs to have an adult conversation about how likely he is to want a baby in the future. If he can't give you that conversation I'd question whether you should have a baby with him anyway.

AssassinatedBeauty · 13/11/2018 22:01

There's no panic about running out of time. It's more that the DP has vetoed with a very vague reason of not feeling "ready", and wants to wait an indefinite amount of time. With no commitment that he won't do the same again. Women do have an age based restriction on conceiving naturally, it's unavoidable.

Yukka · 13/11/2018 22:16

I agree with the others that you need to speak to him. Create ir find a situation where you can both share your feelings without reprise. When dh and I were younger, late twenties, occasionally we would write things down alone then read it out to each other. Not often, but once or twice we had tricky moments to get through that could have ended us if we didn’t find a way to communicate. Thankfully we did.

It hypothetical but, what would he have done if you had fallen pregnant? Choosing to act upon the decision to try is serious, you need to be able to trust in each other implicitly. Maybe the realisation of this arrived afterwards for him, but it’s a joint decision when to try, and not something that he alone gets to dictate.

Completely understand your frustration and sadness, he may treat you like a gem but in this instance he really needs to respect your feelings and needs a little bit more.

Original poster

APositiveMind · 14/11/2018 19:25

Ok so a talk went down.
It went like this
"Would you even be up for having sex unprotected and just seeing what happens, without tracking ovulation or making fuss. Just literally wing it and if it happens but we don't necessarily have to be in it to win it, enjoy another and see what happens"

"See, I just feel like your pressuring me"

"Not at all, but it is my choice just as much as it is yours, I feel like I haven't been able to have my say"

"I'm being pressurised.. have you fed the dog already?"

And that was that.

OP posts:

Yukka · 14/11/2018 19:50

Oh ffs!

Does he have nothing to say about the fact that he said yes then almost instantly said no? There’s a difference between pressure and planning. He needs to grow up a little.
Sorry...

AssassinatedBeauty · 14/11/2018 20:18

I think you need to ask him if he honestly ever wants children, and to be absolutely clear with you about it. Tell him you'd rather know now than be strung along with false hope.

And be ready to respond to the "pressurising" line with the statement that you are not responsible for that.

It would be slightly better if he said "I feel pressurised" rather than "you're pressurising me", because at least that would be him owning his own behaviour. He really needs to be able to explain why he feels pressured by any kind of discussion about this. Is it because he really doesn't want children and can't find a way to say it? Or is it that he doesn't feel capable of being responsible for another human being? Or whatever else.

Original poster

APositiveMind · 14/11/2018 20:45

He said he 100% want a children and he always wanted children.
I just don't understand the way his mind works with it. But we've agreed to start trying again in January. Which I'm taking and trying not to ask anymore questions in case it put him off further. But now it's gone down like a shit storm I can't help but feel like I can't be excited and talk to him about being excited for January. I guess this is as good as it gets and I've got to just grit my teeth smile through the next two months 😁😂

OP posts:

Yukka · 14/11/2018 20:56

At least that’s progress and if for any reason he moves the goal posts again then you know there is another issue going on. Good luck :)

Alilwolf · 14/11/2018 21:05

Ok, it sounds to me like you were actively going to go down a very planned route. I didn't realise people did that unless they had trouble conceiving. I'd say that is what has put him off. I would feel pressured if I was told when I had to have sex too. As would you I'm sure! It shouldn't have to be like that. Just agree to try in January, and 'trying' doesn't mean that anything changes, it just usually means that you don't use contraception.

AssassinatedBeauty · 14/11/2018 21:08

That sounds more positive than the previous comments. I hope he doesn't renege on his promises in January.

I would do your best not to mention it at all until then, and then try and keep things very low key. There's nothing stopping you tracking your fertility, thinking about timings and so on, but I wouldn't go out of your way to discuss it with your husband.

Original poster

APositiveMind · 14/11/2018 21:15

@Alilwolf we didn't really plan that much, everything was as it normally would be and we didn't put dates on when to have sex. The only thing I did do was track my period to find out when I ovulate. It was him that came to me one evening and asked if we could start trying so you could imagine my excitement for him to ask. I think that's why this has become such an issue between up because why did he ask me if he wasn't ready.
But at least Christmas can be full of pink gin and Bailey's!

OP posts:

costacoffeecup · 14/11/2018 21:19

I think he is being quite unfair actually. I hope this isn't just a delaying tactic. Good luck for January.

Alilwolf · 14/11/2018 21:30

Yes, don't panic. You're young (well you haven't mentioned your age but presuming around the same age). I don't think people actively 'try' when they're trying for a baby. You just see what happens I think!

Alilwolf · 14/11/2018 21:33

That said, have you thought about night feeds, maternity leave, shitty nappies, exhaustion beyond anything you have ever experienced in your life, arguments, stress etc lol
Sorry, I'm not painting procreation in a good light, but it is damned hard and WILL but a strain on your marriage.

Alilwolf · 14/11/2018 21:35

I would really really need my partner to be fully committed to a child before having one (knowing what I know) as otherwise all of the drudgery can fall to you and there's no joy in that.

PBobs · 14/11/2018 21:44

Not sure he sounds like someone I'd want a baby with. I suspect he'll find a baby more pressure than his partner wanting to have sex with him. Although he does at least worry about feeding the dog which is a good sign.

AssassinatedBeauty · 14/11/2018 21:44

I disagree that having children will put a strain on every relationship. It doesn't have to, it often does, but it's not the case for everyone. The crucial thing is to know that you're both in it together and work as a team, and be kind to each other. It's not impossible!

Flip

1 2