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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Man in need of help

45 replies

robertcapa · 19/06/2007 13:51

Hello ladies (I presume I?m talking mainly to ladies here)

I was hoping for some advice; my wife is pregnant for the first time and at present I don?t feel prepared nor excited about the prospective new adventure.

I accept that this seems rather selfish given that she?s doing all the hard work, but I was looking for people who might have been in my position and may be able to empathise.

At the end of the day the main person in all this is my wife and I want to be as supportive as possible, but at the moment I?m worried that although I?ll always be there for her and do my best, I won?t be able to offer the same amount of love towards our baby as she will.

Please take it easy on me, I?m just looking for people who might have been there and may understand.

Cheers

OP posts:
dressedupnowheretogo · 19/06/2007 13:54

it took a 4d scan for my hubby to understand it was lovely he cried and got very possessive of his little girl now he had an image and knew what sex it was i hope this helps

he also chose not to be with me when i delivered via emergency c section as he was scared but it meant he had 20 mins on his own with her so dont feel preessured into being all droopy and fluffy about being a dad

HappyDaddy · 19/06/2007 13:54

Welcome to MN mate.

Don't worry, it's a weird time for all. Us blokes are generally sidelined, which we aren't always used to, as everything's happening to our wives and their bump.

Once baby comes out, you will love him/her. It will be different to your wife but it will be stronger than you thought possible.

I bet you cry .

Bananaknickers · 19/06/2007 13:55

From the time a woman falls pregnant it all seems very real. she bonds with baby and feels apart of it.

I think my DH felt the same as you do really. You can't see it, feel it at the moment. When your baby is born and becomes real it will be so different for you. Try to bath, feed baby and care for baby as much as you can. I know you will feel different then. Have you had a scan yet?

Kewcumber · 19/06/2007 13:55

can't help as I adopted however I can tell you two things

  1. a friend of mine said when she was pregnant that it was her job to love the baby and her Dh's job to love her... Of course in reality when it came to it, her DH was besotted by their son.

  2. in many ways adopting my son put me in the same position as most men. I didn't have any kind of bond with him in advance (how could I?) and when we did meet, it took me some time to bond with him. Now I would step in front of a speeding lorry for him wihtout even thinking about it.

I would think your reaction is perfectly natural. Someone from Mumsnet (KristinaM?) said to me when I felt I wasn't bonding "pretend"! it was good advice, I acted like I was attached and soon enough I was.

Good luck.

bobsmum · 19/06/2007 13:56

AW - you sound lovely. The fact that you're even worrying about this means it probably won't be a problem once baby arrives. But I think it can take father's longer to 'bond" (hate that word, but can't think of another) because they've not had the same 9 month run up as the mum.

But you will love this little one when s/he arrives in a way that only a daddy can.

Good luck! There are a few dads floating around here - they often hang around 'The Mens Room" board - so have a look on that topic list or re post this thread here if you want a blokes PoV too

IntergalacticWalrus · 19/06/2007 13:57

DP felt like you when I was pg with our first baby. I think he felt a bit out of it because he wasn't experiencing the physical side of things etc etc etc.

However, any doubts he might have had all melted away the moment out son was born (or so he tell me anyway )

Having your first baby ius a massive upheaval for all concerned. I remember during my first pregnancay having many monets where I thought "What in God's name am I doing?!"

You sound like a lovely supportive husband, and your doubts and worries are very normal, so don;t worry about them. The moment you hold your baby for the first time is magic!

Welcome to mn by the way!

IntergalacticWalrus · 19/06/2007 13:58

PS apaolgies for the typing. I have fingers like a bunch of bananas

bobsmum · 19/06/2007 13:59

Agree that baths are great for dads. My dh would often sit behind me and cuddle me when I fed my babies so he felt part of feeding time or I would express so he could join in (and give me an early night).

Dad's are also a tower of strength during the first few days/weeks of weird mummy hormones. I personally needed dh to keep me grounded when I was feeling teary and woolly and irrational.

MrsMar · 19/06/2007 13:59

Hi there Robert.... It's funny you should say this, my dh and I were talking yesterday and he said he still wasn't that excited. He's pleased in a kind of a detached way, but he's not soooper excited and spending all day thinking about the baby, which is what I think he thinks I'm doing. I think what you're feeling is completely normal. I was convinced dh was feeling a bit detached from it all because he hasn't been able to feel the baby yet, every time he puts his hands on my bump the baby freezes. It's like he knows his dad's out there and he's playing with him.

I wouldn't worry at this stage, I'm a first timer so not experienced at all, but I'm sure you're feelings for your child will kick in big time when he/she's born. I'm sure you'll love your child as much as any father. Of course your relationship will be different to that of your wife's but then it's supposed to isn't it? We all contribute different things to our children, whether we're a father or a mother.

If you're really worried, talk to your wife about your concerns, but I wouldn't worry too much, I'm sure it's normal. I wasn't in the least thrown when my dh said he wasn't that excited yet. I don't expect him to be. Mind you, he's excited enough to start looking for teeeny tiny football strips (but he's a big baby himself!)

I hope things go well for you. I'm sure you'll be a brilliant father

FirstAtForty · 19/06/2007 13:59

I didn't feel truly happy and excited about having a baby until after she was born I don't think - not because I didn't want her but because pregnancy seemed so abstract and unconnected with the reality of 'my' baby. It will probably take time to get your head round, but don't worry, you'll get there

bookthief · 19/06/2007 14:02

When your dc is born it will be completely different to anything you can imagine. That goes for your dw as well by the way.

I have to say that I really went through my pg in a bit of a daze. I certainly wasn't prepared and didn't get as excited as some people around me seemed to do. It made me feel guilty from time to time and I just couldn't imagine actually having a baby.

Now I can't imagine not having him. Dh is the same and we spend many a soppy hour gazing at our PFB (Precious First Born ).

Don't beat yourself up about how your should be feeling. I think pregnancy must be very odd for the other partner since you don't have the physical changes that keep it so much in the forefront of your mind. Just be led by your dw, support her as much as you can, realise that you can never prepare yourself and smile inwardly at the naivety of other couples you meet who think they're so sorted, and enjoy it. I'm really excited for you - it's going to be great!!!

ThomCat · 19/06/2007 14:14

Hiya
Tbh (that's to be honest btw - and that's by the way!!!) I think your reaction is pretty common. My DP ddin't show masses of interest in any of my pregnancies. He wasn't particularly overly excited by them as tiny babies either. Then s they startedto grow and get personalities and bacame real little people he got closer and closer to them. I've heard of this LOADS.

I think the fact that you care that you're not cring enough is a great sign.

Just ask her how she feels, be sympathetic to the fact she feels fat, tired, hormonal, teary, etc etc.

Offer to do a few more things than usual, offer to cook a bit more than you may already do.

Run her the odd bath.

Stand behind her and kiss her neck and cradle the bump. Maybe even wrap your arms round her under the bump and sort of lift up a bit as she gets big and take some of the weight off her.

Ask to take photos of her pregnant in whichever style she feels comfortable.

Type in pregnant 12 weeks or whatever she is and read about what is happening to the baby and to her body.

Maybe read a book to show her you're trying books

And take it easy on yorself. You care enough to start this thread and it is different for you, for all men.

mistypeaks · 19/06/2007 14:29

don't panic it's such a huge thing i think your brain goes into denial and makes you feel a little numb. i didn't feel excited or attached to either of our babies (and i was the pregnant one!!) until after they were born, which is probably why my dh did (someone had too!!!) That's in no way saying they were anything other than wanted, my emotions just wouldn't come out. I didn't cry at either birth (dh blubbed for England!!) That said as another poster said before me I'd take a bullet for either of them without thinking about it, and not just because I'm a mom and hormonaly attached (i think those hormones must be missing - or I'm an ice cold b) but because I'm a parent and love them 100%, unconditionally and ferociously. This may not make sense now, but I think it rings more true once you're there. Very difficult to put into words.

Original poster
robertcapa · 19/06/2007 14:32

WOW! Cracked on with work and came back to check this out. Thanks everybody for the great advise, and Mrsmar for letting me know your husband sounds pretty much like me.

It's great to know that I'm not a freak of nature and maybe I'm not a milion miles from other people.

I try and do my share around the house but I think I'll try and take on as much as possible from now onwards, my wife will be wondering what has happened!

Thanks again though, I appreciate that most of you will be on here because you'll have your own bumps so it's really kind of you giving you time to help me out.

By the way, what are DH and DP?

OP posts:
Curmudgeonlett · 19/06/2007 14:36

dear/darling husband or dear/darling partner

there is an acronym list at the top

PS I agree with others that you're normal and it will all change

MrsMar · 19/06/2007 15:46

You're welcome, I posted as soon as I saw your thread, but I'm not surprised that many people have echoed what I said. I'm sure it's totally normal.

It might help to try and find something you can get in to that's baby related, what about doing up the baby's room (my dh not terribly diy minded so that's not his thing, but it may be yours), or buying some fun gadgets (Lord knows there are enough out there!)

cupcake78 · 19/06/2007 16:05

I think Mrs Mars has a very good point. My DH has decided to go slightly mad with organising etc and I know it is his way of trying to get used to the whole daddy idea.

It seems to be working so far. There are lists upon lists that he has written of jobs in rooms etc.

I know he doesn't feel prepared and he says he is excited but I am sure this is more for my benefit.

As for when the baby is born. I have it on good authority that no matter what your feelings are prior to the birth you will not be able to help yourself.

One of my best friends who is a very matcho father of two (both very unplanned) said to us
"When your baby looks into your eyes for the first time you will love him/her more than you ever thought possible".

Kewcumber · 19/06/2007 16:07

don;t buy a heated baby wipe dispenser though, you really don't need one.

MrsMar · 19/06/2007 16:30

heated babywipe dispenser!! LOL!

Kewcumber · 19/06/2007 16:32

a bargain at Euro 40

Kewcumber · 19/06/2007 16:34

"Also making an ideal gift and nursery essential item it is both practical and compact using a low voltage adapter it will sit neatly and safely on any surface"

Sit safely on any surface?? compared to other essential items which leap randomly into the air when you least expect them to?

MrsMar · 19/06/2007 16:36

Some people have tooo much money!

MrsMar · 19/06/2007 16:37

I dunno kewcumber - I'm often running around catching leaping tubs of cream and alarm clocks... aren't you? Oh maybe it's just my haunted house then

Tutter · 19/06/2007 16:38

sue your first post gave me goosebumps

Kewcumber · 19/06/2007 16:39

really Tutter why? Expand. (Can I say that to a pregnant woman )