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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Man in need of help

45 replies

robertcapa · 19/06/2007 13:51

Hello ladies (I presume I?m talking mainly to ladies here)

I was hoping for some advice; my wife is pregnant for the first time and at present I don?t feel prepared nor excited about the prospective new adventure.

I accept that this seems rather selfish given that she?s doing all the hard work, but I was looking for people who might have been in my position and may be able to empathise.

At the end of the day the main person in all this is my wife and I want to be as supportive as possible, but at the moment I?m worried that although I?ll always be there for her and do my best, I won?t be able to offer the same amount of love towards our baby as she will.

Please take it easy on me, I?m just looking for people who might have been there and may understand.

Cheers

OP posts:

Tutter · 19/06/2007 16:41

"when we did meet, it took me some time to bond with him. Now I would step in front of a speeding lorry for him wihtout even thinking about it"

[hormonal]

cannot expand much further (see profile )

Kewcumber · 19/06/2007 16:50

ah yes - quite an impressive expansion!

curiouscat · 19/06/2007 17:01

To the OP, a vast number of newborn babies male and female look the spitting image of their dads. Amazing but true, people aren't making it up. Sure it must help with bonding

skidaddle · 19/06/2007 17:05

oh yes my dp was rubbish all the way through my pregnancy but the second dd was born he was absolutely amazing and still is - although equally rubbish through this pg but at least this time I know he'll come good once he/she is born

you are completely normal and please don't worry

tutter - that is the most impressive bump I think I have ever seen!!!

Gursky · 19/06/2007 17:18

My DH felt the same during my pregnancy - even during the birth. He worried about me more than the baby (I worried about that). He now says he sat outside the operating theatre as DS was being born (horrible birth - long story) and thought 'I don't want a baby' - but then fell in love with DS and now loves him ferociously. I think it's normal for dads to feel more distant - and nine months is such a long time! Keep doing the right things (going to the classes, helping out, listening to your wife as she gets excited) - and then this amazing thing will happen .

MrsMar · 19/06/2007 17:40

awwwww... get this, dh has just emailed me from work to say "three months to go" I'd totally forgotten!

You will get excited eventually robertcapa!

RuthChan · 20/06/2007 02:14

Hi Robert
I hope you're feeling better after reading everyone's messages.
I agree with them.

My DH was really excited when I was pregnant, but at the same time he felt a little detached, left out and almost unhelpful. I could feel the baby growing and kicking inside me but he was on the outside and couldn't be a part of that.
As the baby got bigger he could feel it kicking from the outside too and he began to bond with it more and more.
He enjoyed talking to it from about 7 months or so. (You know that the baby can hear your voice from inside the womb and will recognise you as its father? Our DD knew both me and my DH by our voices as soon as she was born)

My DH also enjoyed the very important job of taking monthly photos of the bump as it grew. Another small thing that kept him involved.

My DH didn't want to attend the birth, but I insisted that I wanted him there. In the event he said it was the most amazing and moving experience of his life. He wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Once the baby's born, I have no doubt that you will be the most loving and devoted father possible.
Please believe in yourself.
Good luck.
And most of all... CONGRATULATIONS!!

wrinklytum · 20/06/2007 02:24

It will be OK.!!

Go to "Only joking" section on mumsnet and find "Are you ready to be a parent" thread.This pretty much covers it.

Seriously,am sure you will bond and be a lovely Dad.It is hard work and bloody tiring but you will be overwhelmed with love,when you see your child born.It is the biggest learning curve but so amazing.

DP and I have 2 (maniacs) so it can't be that bad

BandofMothers · 20/06/2007 08:12

Perhaps buy your wife (if she hasn't got one already) a book about pregnancy and look at the week to week, or month to month pictures of what your baby looks like with her.
You can also prepare yourself for all the things she's likely to go thru during the pregnancy, there is usually a long list of side effects that a woman is likely to feel and not many are pleasant.
Just being there and showing an interest is very important. It will be ages before you can feel a kick, but it's great when you can. My DH's face when he first felt DD1 move was fantastic. Sort of disbelief crossed with disgust, it is rather alienesque.
When you see your baby born after all your wife has done to get it there, I think you'll find you can't take your eyes off it and the gooey, scrunchy little yoda will be the most beautiful thing you have ever seen

Maybe you can come back periodically and keep us posted, or get your DW on here so we can talk to her

manitz · 20/06/2007 09:10

hi there just really read your opening post and a quick scan of replies but on the whole I agree wioth others. This is no 3 and my dh has been extremely uninterested in all 3 pregnancies and only vaguely interested in the baby. He really bonds on a massive scale once they are around 10 months onwards as they are so much more interesting and he feels he can be an equal parent as when the baby was still breast fed he felt quite excluded.

oopsiedoopsie · 20/06/2007 09:27

Hiya,

I felt totally unconnected to our daughter right up unitl the point her head popped out.
The onl things I felt during the pregnancy were concerns about the health of my wife and my predicted (by me) inadequacies as a dad.

It will all be fine and dandy, its the best thing in the world!

bumperlicious · 20/06/2007 09:41

Of course you won't feel the same as she is, it's all physically happing to her, she is feeling it all, and (IME, no offense to your wife intended) she is probably going to be giving you a pretty hard time and you will have to run around after her while she gets all the kudos and attention! What's to be excited about?!

Plus, having a baby is dead scary, NO-ONE feels prepared and probably you are thinking about how much your life is going to change and not necessarily for the better. Chances are she is feeling the same too.

You can't predict how you will feel when the baby does actually arrive, which is more important than how you feel about it now. Just be there for your wife, be patient with her. The fact that you are even on here asking about this shows how considerate you are, you'll be great!

bumperlicious · 20/06/2007 09:49

My DH has been reading this . It's just a silly gift book, but he says there is a really nice bit at the beginning about how to support your wife during pregnancy and labour, not patronising like lots of the men's books. Oh, and it tells you how to make paper aeroplanes and stuff too!

cupcakesgalore · 20/06/2007 09:50

Hi Robert. Only read yr. original post, so sorry not to have read the entire thread and if I repeat everybody else. Interestingly DH and I were having a chat about this exact same subject on Sunday. We are expecting our 4th baby and he feels just as you describe - and did do in the last 3 pregnancies too. We were discussing this because I am also finding it hard to connect with this (much wanted and planned) pregnancy at the moment and I'm 38 wks. pregnant. I think that we get into trouble when we place expectations on ourselves, saying we 'should' feel X, Y, Z and then feel all sorts of negative feeligs when that doesn't happen. Rest assured, when your baby arrives you will feel differently and will be able to love yr.baby just as much. My DH is the most amazing, hands-on, in love with his children Dad imaginable. He might not have been a rub my bump, chat to it, read loads of books and bve incredibly excited etc. sort of person in pregnancy, but he has come into his own when it mattered most!

cheritongirl · 20/06/2007 10:06

oh you sound lovely - i will get my dh to post on here later, i am sure he will have something wise to say..
don't worry though, i think you are doing great to even be worried!

fibernie · 21/06/2007 08:23

Hi there
Haven't read all the messages, but one piece of advice to pass on given to me by a friend when my DH was in a state of shock about my pregnancy...

If your partner is 16weeks pregnant, expect the other half to be at least 4 weeks behind in terms of getting used to the idea! I reckon my DH was at least six weeks behind me, but he soon caught up when DD was born 4 weeks early!

Good luck!

Mossy · 21/06/2007 09:46

Personally I'd advise you to do the exact opposite of what my dh did while I was pg and after I gave birth.

So to name but a few...

Don't look disgusted if she wants to sleep with you in that huge third trimester when she's riddled with stretchmarks
Don't get annoyed in those last few weeks when she is "sat at home doing nothing" because she's so bloody exhausted
If she goes overdue don't try to talk her into being induced before she wants to be (if indeed she does)
Don't ask her how soon she's going to lose the weight she put on during pregnancy
Don't get miffed when you come back after a "hard day at work" and the place is a tip because all she's done all day is bf the baby and don't tell her she should ff him because obviously something is wrong if he needs feeding so often

I could go on... but I think the fact you've come on here to ask the question means you'll be a great Dad.

Justaboutmanaging · 21/06/2007 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newgirl · 21/06/2007 12:24

i think the fact youve posted here is fantastic - i am sure you will be great!

id add that my dh doesnt like other peoples kids that much - no interest, but he adores his own and is a fantastic dad - and he loves them even more as time goes on - they get more and more fun and interesting

you are in for the biggest roller coaster - fantastic happy times, as well as tired, worried times. Each month gets easier.

Your wife may get exhausted, hormonal, scared, loopy happy - all over the place, so be supportive and know that before you know it life returns to normal but with a new fantastic person in it too

also workwise - having done work and lookng after babies - work is far far easier - so when you get home expect to pick up baby and do bath/feed etc and for wife to just stop for a while - no one cries at you at work and you get a lunch break!

jaz2 · 21/06/2007 17:30

Not sure howm "involved" my dh felt BUT the two things he did which I felt were a great support were:
a) mention things related to pregnancies and babies that indicated that he was independently reading the odd bit of info about the subject
b) joining me at NCT classes and making an effort to enjoy them.

As others have said, the fact that you have found out about mumsnet and posted the question shows that you are involving yourself and supporting your wife. Good luck and I'm sure you will love being a father!

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