DH behavior, am I expecting too much?

[Falvit]

I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant with our first baby and really disappointed in my DH behavior. We’ve been together for over 5y, married for 1.5, have stable jobs, nice home and both wanted a baby (he even more). We managed to get pregnant after few months and we’re both very pleased, so it seemed.. I’ve started planning, preparing, reading, talking to my friends with kids and just really trying to get ready as I knew these 9 months will pass very quickly as we both have busy, long hours jobs.
DH hasn’t been engaged at all from the beginning, despite few scary moments when the baby hasn’t been growing as much as she should, I’ve been diagnosed with low placenta and discovered I have a fibroid over 10cm long. I had to drag him to consultants appointments and remind him ‘we’ have one. Even now when I’ll have to have C-section he’s not really interested. If you’ll ask him when is my next doctors app he won’t know, when you ask him when spurs play next we’ll be able to tell all the details.
He hasn’t been interested in picking any of the baby stuff (buggy, baby monitor ect), he’s not interested in baby’s name.. He just agrees with what I pick. He hasn’t bought any single thing for the baby. He is simply, completely not interested. He’ll do what I ask but he won’t do anything extra. He never talked to the baby, never puts hand on my tummy, he doesn’t offer to massage my back or feet when I’m swollen and hurting.
I know he’s used to me being very strong and doing everything, from planning holidays, investments, to where we buy a house and dealing with all the bills and it’s ok (sort of). I know I’m much better organised and savvy with money. But I can’t understand why emotionally he’s so detached from the pregnancy, he wanted us to have a baby for the past few years! Why he’s not interested if she’s kicking, growing, why he’s not touching my tummy or talking to the baby, why he’s not excited about painting her room and picking up buggy. Why he’s not interested in consultant’s visits or seeing her on ultrasound. Is this normal? Am I expecting too much? Does he love her at all?

Have you tried talking to him about it?

Is it possible that he's detaching in case things don't work out with your baby? It must have been so scary with the complications you've experienced, is he subconsciously shutting off to avoid getting upset if it doesn't pan out? It also sounds as though the complications have affected your health too, perhaps that's hard for him to see because he loves you, so he shuts off from it. It doesn't excuse it, but burying his head in the sand might be his way of coping?

My partner was a bit unexcited when we got pregnant, despite desperately wanting kids for ages. When it rolled round to 12 weeks he said that he was keeping a lid on it in case things didn't work out. He's a classic head-sand-burier, but more aware of it now I've pointed it out to him.

Sounds like you need to have a calm and non-accusatory chat with him to work out what's going on.

My husband was a little bit like this... he did show interest in how I was feeling and looked after me etc. However when baby came he almost took over and was very involved and into everything. I think some men find it hard because it doesn't almost seem real... they don't feel the kicks and bond that we do. Obviously everyone is different, just sharing what my husband was like

I think some men just don’t engage with the pregnancy in the way that we do. My partner hasn’t been to any of my appointments other than the scans and certainly wouldn’t know when they are but then I’ve never felt the need for him to be there so that doesn’t bother me.

He will come with me to shop for baby stuff and show an interest but he wouldn’t buy anything by himself and I picked all the colours, furniture etc. for the nursery. He wouldn’t offer to rub my back etc. but if I asked him to I’m sure he would do it.

I think men are just more interested in the actual baby and see a lot of the preparation as less significant, they also probably don’t appreciate how different it feels for us and how tough pregnancy can be.

If you feel like your partner is not supporting you I’d suggest sitting him down and having a gentle chat with him and give him some specific suggestions of stuff you’d like him to do.

We had several chats about his engagement and how it make me feel. How lonely I am and that I don't have my best friend to enjoy this special time. It gets better for a day, he asks what's need to be done and helps, but again emotionally, he's just detached. Normally he is a pretty loving guy, he loves to cuddle, tells me he loves me, we always hold hands ect. He's not cold, he's just not interested in the baby. I don't think he loves her yet :( Perhaps because she's not here? Maybe for him just my tummy just got bigger.
Even colleagues at work are more thoughtful and caring then my DH.. Although I work in European company so generally people are more 'emotional'.
I feel I'm starting to resent him for ruining this time for me and I'm scared he won't love our daughter the way she deserves :(

I think you are over reacting

Imo he is bricking it.
Pure and simple!

I know he’s used to me being very strong and doing everything, from planning holidays, investments, to where we buy a house and dealing with all the bills and it’s ok (sort of). I know I’m much better organised and savvy with money.

The uncharitable part of me concludes that his detachment stems from the fact that he realises he may have to grow up and function like an adult with the baby's arrival. Doing everything is a big mistake a lot of people make in a relationship because it becomes extremely difficult when kids enter the picture and the party doing it all can, quite rightly, start becoming very resentful of a so-called partner who believes that merely going out to work gives him a carte blanche to check out of the rest of life and do no lifework. They realise they have not one but two children, one of them an adult who's immature and jealous of the baby because they're no longer being mothered.

Time to try to nip this in the bud. 'I'm quite unhappy and resentful of how you've treated this pregnancy. We both agreed to it and now it's time to discuss how we're going to behave as adults and parents in this and I need to know you're on board and what you plan to do to support.'

And whatever you do, don't become a SAHP with a person like this. It doesn't bode well.

It may be any sort of reason but I think in your shoes I'll be telling him I'm sorting out another birth partner in case he's not there and do it.

Even if you're having a section you're going to need support at the hospital, he might not deliver that. You're going to need practical help afterwards. You need someone who's going to be there for you.

Honestly, my partner came across a little uninterested when I was pregnant. Happy to let me pick baby items, etc, and wasn't always sure of appointments, etc. However, as soon as DS arrived, he has been a incredible and involved dad. He loves coming home from work to play with his son and do bath/bed. He absolutely adores his boy. I'm now pregnant again, and he's the same, but I've no doubt in my mind about him being a dad again. I will say though that he did help me during pregnancy with cooking, etc. This time around, he's taken over most childcare, housework, etc.

More than likely, he's either scared of the unknown and or just doesn't feel real for him yet. Don't forget, your the one who feels pregnant and they're your appointments. It doesn't mean he doesn't care, but I might just feel surreal for him right now.
T
Take care

My OH was like this, came to a head at about 27/28 weeks when I lost it with him and told him that his lack of care was making me think he wouldn't be helpful during labour and I was seriously considering having to find someone else. Completely lost it with him. I do think to some extent it wasn't his fault, men can't necessarily connect with the pregnancy like we can, plus if you were the organised and more nurturing one prior to pregnancy, they just seem to forget that you need we support more so now (I may have screamed about the fact he had never even bothered to do as much as run a bath for me when he knew I was in agony with hip problems yet I had taken him to, and paid for a chiropractor to sort his back problem out a few months prior ontop of running him regular baths, candlelit and all!)

I booked a 4D scan in the hope that it would allow him to bond more with baby (personally I found it a waste of money but it was worth a shot for him) and after we attended hypnobirth classes he all of a sudden because so much more caring and stepped up. It may just be a case of to him it's still just not real. Try a few bonding activities, go through your birth plan with him and highlight where you'll need him emotionally as well as the practical elements x

A friend's DP was like this. He went through the motions but didn't seem interested or engaged at all. After the birth he admitted that the baby hadn't seemed at all real to him during the pregnancy, but he's been great since the day his son actually arrived.

We're on our second and DP has not been to any scans etc and has no idea what's going on really. He certainly couldn't tell me when my next appointment is! He is however, an amazing and absolutely hands on dad. I think it's just because it's all about you at this stage, they can be a bit of a spare part. I always think it's a bit odd when I turn up for a midwife appointment and the other half is there with the person before or after me (especially the one last time that spent the whole time doing a business deal very loudly on his phone in the waiting room.) I mean, he's really there just to watch his partner get her wee tested and blood pressure done. It does sound like you needed some extra support with the issues though so I'm sorry you've not received that, but in my experience it's not necessarily a reflection on future parenting.

I think your language is very telling, you say “we got pregnant” and “we have a consultant appointment”. Most people don’t think like that, you are pregnant and the hospital appointments are for you and the foetus. I think you are overthinking, many people feel disconnected to other people’s pregnancy. It will all be different when there is an actual baby.

I read somewhere once that men become father's when they see their baby. Who knows how much truth is in that, and not all men are like that certainly! But my DH was. He was helpful when I asked, and came to scans,etc, but he didn't really know what to do?! I felt at times he wasn't interested as you have described OP but once DC arrived he was and still is wonderful with them.

Our setup sounds a bit like yours--I'm captain of everything, the strong one, etc. DH was playing on his phone during the 20 week scan. Like when the actual pictures were on the screen.

Later (when I was asking him what the blistering fuck that was about that he didn't want to look at OUR PRECIOUS FIRSTBORN), he said it was scary and overwhelming and he'd wanted to check out.

Well, hmph. I also did all the prep, getting stuff and learning about car seats and all that.

But it's ok now baby is here. He was a hero while I had PPD, and he pulls his weight. He still doesn't remember what size nappies to buy, but we mostly do have a decent partnership and he does make the effort for her.

DH was like this. He wasn’t carrying the baby or feeling the baby move. I gave him some set tasks and he did them (go and find a buggy and a changing bag). He made the cot (but I chose and bought it) and followed me around John Lewis a bit. He took excellent care of me. Made dinner when I was tired and took on the bulk of the housework. (I should also say DH is a medic and has delivered babies before so childbirth isn’t a mystery to him).
He was excellent during my C section. And has been a fantastic father to both boys. He is 100% an equal parent and has always been.
He never touched my tummy or talked to the baby in the tummy. He plays with them a lot now that they are here (7 and 2) though.

Oh DH came for the 20 week scan, made me promise not to tell anyone he was a medic but they twigged because he had his hospital lanyard on him! DS2 had a complicated birth, very premature, spent some time in NICU and he was excellent.
In fact I would go so far as to say he bonded with both boys more easily than I did. (First time motherhood was a shock- I can still remember it 7 years on).

My husband isn't interested either.

But the second the baby is born he becomes the most dedicated, hands on, supportive and loving father to our kids that I could ever wish for.

Some men just don't get it when it comes to pregnancy. I think that's ok.

Honestly I think you need to be mindful that this could still feel very much "not real" to him. I think that's extremely common for men. I think most women feel the same actually, some until the 12 week scan and some beyond!

We have a bump, aches, pains, symptoms, kicks, bloody hormones it very easily becomes real for us as mothers. I think dads can tend to be more detached because they don't experience any of that. They see the stuff being bought but it's almost like it's happening to someone else.

I think you'll see a change when baby is here

I would go absolutely ballistic and kick him out, and hope that that shocked him enough that he realised what he was doing.

That sound rubbish, it's a vulnerable time when you really need his support and it does sound lik3 he could make more effort.
Try not to worry too much about what he'll be like when the baby arrives though. DH was a bit like this with preparation for DS. Actually it reminded me a bit of wedding planning - he was incredibly excited about getting married but not remotely interested in centrepieces and outfits, and he was ecstatic about becoming a father but apathetic about moses baskets and nursery wallpaper. Despite this, DH has such an amazing bond with DS and is a really good dad.
Is there something else that could be going on behind the scenes, could he be worried about finances when the baby is here, or anxious about how he'll cope at work if he's been up through the night, and the stress is stopping him getting too involved or excited?

You would go ballistic and kick him out for not wanting to touch the bump or speak to the baby? I don’t get the sense that the OP’s OH is unconcerned about the OP- just that he doesn’t seem that bothered by the pregnancy. This all seems a bit extreme. He may turn out to be a useless father, he may not. But MN I am sure is full of doting men who were fine during pregnancy and then did f all once the babies were born.

Yes DH was like this about getting married as well. He was excited about marriage but had zero interest in the wedding and even less in wedding planning. He’s been a great husband for well over a decade and despite not bump talking/singing he’s also a deeply committed father who has made multiple career sacrifices for them and for me (and my career).

Christ mine didn't talk to the baby or rub my feet.

I would have kicked someone if they touch my feet.

That's not the mark of anything. .
If he pays no interest in the baby when it's born, that's something else.

It sounds like you have an ideal of how he should act like it's out of a movie or something. Life isn't like that. This is the normal every day stuff- it's what he does in the future that will set the tone.

I would go absolutely ballistic and kick him out, and hope that that shocked him enough that he realised what he was doing.

Pahahahha!
How is anyone on MN still married with 'advice' like this.

Divorce on account of the husband not talking to the wife's bump.
Hokaaaaaay then.