DH behavior, am I expecting too much?

[Falvit]

I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant with our first baby and really disappointed in my DH behavior. We’ve been together for over 5y, married for 1.5, have stable jobs, nice home and both wanted a baby (he even more). We managed to get pregnant after few months and we’re both very pleased, so it seemed.. I’ve started planning, preparing, reading, talking to my friends with kids and just really trying to get ready as I knew these 9 months will pass very quickly as we both have busy, long hours jobs.
DH hasn’t been engaged at all from the beginning, despite few scary moments when the baby hasn’t been growing as much as she should, I’ve been diagnosed with low placenta and discovered I have a fibroid over 10cm long. I had to drag him to consultants appointments and remind him ‘we’ have one. Even now when I’ll have to have C-section he’s not really interested. If you’ll ask him when is my next doctors app he won’t know, when you ask him when spurs play next we’ll be able to tell all the details.
He hasn’t been interested in picking any of the baby stuff (buggy, baby monitor ect), he’s not interested in baby’s name.. He just agrees with what I pick. He hasn’t bought any single thing for the baby. He is simply, completely not interested. He’ll do what I ask but he won’t do anything extra. He never talked to the baby, never puts hand on my tummy, he doesn’t offer to massage my back or feet when I’m swollen and hurting.
I know he’s used to me being very strong and doing everything, from planning holidays, investments, to where we buy a house and dealing with all the bills and it’s ok (sort of). I know I’m much better organised and savvy with money. But I can’t understand why emotionally he’s so detached from the pregnancy, he wanted us to have a baby for the past few years! Why he’s not interested if she’s kicking, growing, why he’s not touching my tummy or talking to the baby, why he’s not excited about painting her room and picking up buggy. Why he’s not interested in consultant’s visits or seeing her on ultrasound. Is this normal? Am I expecting too much? Does he love her at all?

My DH does rub my back and cook. I don't think your expectations are unreasonable at all!

I don't just expect him to offer though, I say I could do with a foot rub, maybe a bath will help my back, oh the baby is moving now -this would be a good time to talk to him. He never says anything interesting to bump!

Talk, talk, talk. You say when you have a chat it works, so be explicit about what you want everyday. I expect he's just clueless and not in the habit of doing this as you're the one who normally handles all of the 'important stuff'. You say he is affectionate towards you and always has been so I say just encourage him to do what you'd like by being clear and repetitive!

You sound like a lovely couple to me!

My HD is a terrific husband and father, but has pretty much zero interest in pregnancy. He listens politely when I tell him things, but if I want INPUT on anything like names, I talk to friends or my sister. Once our daughter arrived though, from the minute he saw her, he was 100% head over heels and utterly devoted (and wildly helpful!). I expect (hope!) for the same now with our second on the way. Try not to be upset, OP! It’s unfair, in a way, that we mums get to feel so close to our squirmy nuggets so early on (though I guess that’s to compensate for morning sickness and childbirth!). For others, our babies can feel very hypothetical.

I’ve got lots of additional appointments due to extra issues and my DH doesn’t go to any of those- don’t expect him to as they’re all quite boring. He goes to the scans.

I think what you’re describing is fairly normal- my DH let me get on with all the planning for our first baby - he barely got involved. He was excited but didn’t connect with the baby until she was here and then he was great. Hopefully your DH will too. Personally I didn’t form a bond in pregnancy either and it took a long time to really feel like a mum so I can emphathise.

But it is really important that he supports you during labour / C section- you can’t do it alone so he needs to step up. Sit down and talk to him about the support you need- he might just not realise

My husband is an amazing father. But he never came to appointments that weren't the routine scans. I wouldn't have expected him too either. We bought really minimal stuff pre having DD1, which he did help with, but only at my prompting. I don't think how your OH is now necessarily reflects how he will be as a father. (We rarely talked pregnancy stuff either really. Even I was bored with it.)

My DH can be like this and with him it stems from being scared something will go wrong and so trying to keep those feelings inside (he doesn’t like to talk about upsetting things). He didn’t tell his friends I was pregnant until 6 months because of that.

I’d try and get him engaged in it by buying books and watching programmes on TV, but he struggled and would try and avoid it. I am now 40 weeks and he’s much better.....it changed at around 36/37 weeks when we went to antenatal classes. He tries to deal with certain worrying things with a joke, which can be annoying, but I know that’s just his way of dealing with it.

In a similar way, I tend to do the “admin” in our relationship by organising things. Randomly in the last week he seems to have gone into nesting overdrive.

You need to watch the film Knocked Up, it’s funny and might spark a conversation with your OH about how you’re both feeling

Bloody hell, people would go ballistic at their partners and kick them out for not talking to their bumps!!!!!

Ridiculous. I had three babies and even I never had conversations with my bumps. I'd have thought DH had gone loopy if he had started talking to them too.

DH came to my scans and to nothing else until the births. He was an adoring father to our DDs once they were born but they weren't real to him during the pregnancies in the same way as they were to me.

You do seem to say "we" got pregnant, or "we" have a consultant appointment. To me there is no "we" about pregnancy. I was pregnant. DH wasn't. Appointments were mine. He couldn't have had all of the times off work anyway. Your DH isn't pregnant either. As long as he engaged after the birth, I think that is OK.

A lot of men don't engage in pregnancies. It is not real until baby arrives. Sometimes it is a case of protecting himself if things go wrong or of being overwhelmed and out of control. Realistically there is nothing he can do except support you. Keeping the baby alive is only down to you and your body. Tell him his lack of support is making this time harder than it needs to be.

I don't think he necessarily needs to go to every appointment unless you particularly want him there. My DH didn't come to anything except scans. He also wasn't really bothered about decorating the nursery or picking out prams. My son in law was much more engaged with my DDs pregnancies and baby preparation so that may be a generational thing or could just be personality. Both are great dads though. So many other things to worry about but talking to him is key.

Hi OP - everybody’s relationship is different. If your partner’s behaviour isn’t what you’d expected/hoped for, then I’d suggest talking to him about it openly. Maybe he doesn’t know how you’re feeling either? Doing so won’t necessarily cause him to change his behaviour drastically but at least you’d both know each other’s position, so maybe you can find a way to meet in the middle. Hope you get it sorted x