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Original poster

Text to friend who's had several miscarriages about our pregnancy

37 replies

Boobahs · 29/10/2018 21:10

Hi, just here to seek some advice.

We are going to announce our 2nd pregnancy on Weds, but I'd like to tell a friend beforehand as she has been struggling with recurrent miscarriages this year.

We have toddlers with 1 month difference in age (they're now 2.5 years) and she has had 4 miscarriages since Jan. We have been TTC since Jan and eventually got pregnant in Aug.

We are not really close friends, and only probably see each other once every 6 months if that, but I don't want the news to hit her unexpectedly.

I'm thinking about sending her this text.

"Hi chick, hope you’re all ok and enjoying half term. I just wanted to let you know that I’m pregnant again, I wanted you to know before we tell everyone else. I understand if this is upsetting to hear, I didn’t want to call and put you on the spot, I completely understand if you don’t reply until you’re ready xxx"

Like I say, we're not really close so I don't want to do too many gushing statements, or anything that could be misinterpreted as being patronising.

Anything I should change/add?

TIA x

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Dontknowwhatimdoing · 29/10/2018 21:12

That sounds good to me. Let's her know without putting her under any pressure to respond.

sleepyhead · 29/10/2018 21:14

I wouldn't put the bit about it being upsetting or anything about you understanding.

Keep it light & matter of fact. It's kind of you to text her but I know I hated feeling pitied, particularly by someone who isn't a close friend.

Sportsnight · 29/10/2018 21:16

I think I would send a much simpler message without the “this may upset you” elements. I am sure you’re coming from a good place, but sort of think this reads like it’s more about you being seen to be caring than her feelings. Just pass on the news, maybe phrase it as you wanted to tell her you don’t know when you’ll see her next, send her good wishes and hope you’ll see her soon to catch up with her news.

Pebblespony · 29/10/2018 21:16

I agree. Maybe take out the upsetting bit.

SuperstarDJ · 29/10/2018 21:17

If you’re not that close I wouldn’t put in the bit about wanting her to know before everyone else.

Heartland3 · 29/10/2018 21:17

Congratulations on your news OP. As someone who has experienced three miscarriages, I wouldn't necessarily want to receive this text. As you aren't very close, I don't think you need to let her know separately. I would announce your great news and let her hear through the grapevine. Remember, it's amazing that you are having another baby and nothing should take the glow off that for you and your family. What your friend has been through is terribly sad, but none of that is your fault. Good luck with everything and take care x

user1487194234 · 29/10/2018 21:17

I am sure you mean well but as someone who has been in your friend’s position I would keep it much shorter than that
I hated getting the ‘special treatment ‘
I would just say ‘Just to let you know I am expecting,due in X Hope to see you soon x

IWishYouWere · 29/10/2018 21:19

I wouldn't put chick it sounds so fake

ThanosSavedMe · 29/10/2018 21:20

I wouldn’t say pregnant again. Just say pregnant.

LoveB · 29/10/2018 21:20

I'd say:

Just wanted to let her know I'm pregnant, wanted to let you know before I told everyone else. I understand this might be upsetting to hear and I'm sorry if this does cause you any pain. Hope you're well and hope to see you soon.

eloliphant · 29/10/2018 21:21

I wouldn't say chick as it's very cringey, I'm not sure I'd even text her tbh as you see each other twice a year. If someone I saw twice a year texted me that I'd be upset, as a PP said you don't want special treatment.

Original poster
Boobahs · 29/10/2018 21:22

Thanks all. I guess I just wanted her to know that I don't mean to upset her or be insensitive/blasé. We have had some honest and upsetting conversations the last few times we have seen/text each other. She is so lovely and I can't see her being anything else but happy for us, but I don't want to blind side her.

I'll rethink the wording again x

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Original poster
Boobahs · 29/10/2018 21:25

@eloliphant We only see each other that often but text much more than that. She actually told me about a couple of miscarriages, that only her family know about.

We generally call each other "chick", it's probably in every text we've ever sent each other 

OP posts:
frecklefox · 29/10/2018 21:26

I'd call her, personally... Then she can hear how sincere you're being. A text looks a bit flippant.

SuperstarDJ · 29/10/2018 21:28

^ I wouldn’t call as it puts her on the spot. At least with a text she can digest it in her own time and not have to muster the energy for an immediate reaction.

Crossfitgirl · 29/10/2018 21:29

I think it's lovely you've thought about her feelings. How do you think she would react to that text? It depends on your relationship and if you've talked about it before, I'm sure she would appreciate you thinking about how to tell her.
I think it sounds fine, however I myself might change the wording to just letting her know your news, and maybe just saying you were nervous about telling her due to her circumstances and hope she doesn't mind that you put it in a text before announcing as to try be sensitive to her feelings.
Good luck, let us know what you end up sending :-)

Original poster
Boobahs · 29/10/2018 21:31

@SuperstarDJ That's what I was thinking. I've googled lots about this and the general consensus is that a text/email is better so the recipient can become upset if needed, without having to try and put on a brave face.

OP posts:
Pebblespony · 29/10/2018 21:32

Could you not phrase it as a 'How are you? Any news? Bit of news here, I'm pregnant'. No special treatment. Text you'd send to any friend with the news.

Original poster
Boobahs · 29/10/2018 21:33

@Heartland3 Thank you and I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages.

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Original poster
Boobahs · 29/10/2018 21:37

@Crossfitgirl She is so lovely, and like I say I can't imagine her being anything less than over the moon for us. Your wording sounds great, more like what I actually wanted to say but I'm crap with putting things into coherent sentences! Thank you x

OP posts:
CottonSock · 29/10/2018 21:38

No don't say that as it assumes you know her feelings. Just tell her factually, by text, or how ever you share the news. I had 4 miscarriages and that would be my preference for sure.

squirrelnutkins1 · 29/10/2018 21:38

Def text her rather than calling or face to face.
Don't say pregnant again, just pregnant.
Take out the hope you don't find it upsetting stuff. I know you're trying to be nice but I can't help but feel it won't come over quite as you mean it. This is coming from someone struggling to conceive.
Nice of you to be considerate of her feelings  and congrats

squirrelnutkins1 · 29/10/2018 21:41

Ah I deleted my flowers by mistake. Congrats 

PorridgeIsYummy · 29/10/2018 21:44

Please don't say you don't want her to get upset by your news - she'll think you feel sorry for her. I also find it patronising, personally. So what if she wants to be upset - It's a perfectly acceptable reaction in her circumstances.

No special treatment; but equally, no overly joyful expressions. Keep it relatively neutral in tone if you can.

And please don't phone her.

Original poster
Boobahs · 29/10/2018 21:48

@CottonSock Sorry to hear about your miscarriages, thanks for the advice.

@squirrelnutkins1 Thank you!

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