Anyone got any funny pregnancy/childbirth stories???!!!!!

[barney2]

So has anyone got anything funny to tell the rest of us about pregnancy & childbirth?!!

A friend of mine is a midwife and told me that they had this amazonian type woman on gas and air. The moment came for her to push so they told her to lay off the gas and concentrate on pushing. She hung on grimly to the gas and air and they pried it off her. She reached back to grab it again so they pushed the bed away from the wall - too slowly as she had got hold of the tubing, which brought the whole thing crashing down behind them as they moved the bed. They had to push the panic buttons, evacuate her bearing down into another room and there was complete chaos in the unit as they had entonex hissing out everywhere.

Mother and baby fine apparently.

Entonox

MotherofZ - I did that too! I seem to remember it was the only thing I could think of at the time. Unlike you, I did actually do a poo in the end! She discreetly disposed of it but I was still looking around for it and wanted to hide it before she saw what I'd done! When she told me it had gone I couldn't stop apologising for her having to see my poo!!

Pregnancy
As anyone on the April 06 antenatal thread will tell you, I managed to throw up in the four big supermarket chains in the area. I did:-

Morrisons (hundreds of times as I worked there)
Tescos
Asda (on a moving conveyor belt - eurgh)

Sainsbury's was my nemesis - it is the only one that had eluded me and thus I felt happier shopping there - until Christmas when I was being strong and shopping, then they brought the fresh turkeys out and the smell, I threw up straight in the meat aisle with DD (3) saying "I'ts ok mummy, it's just sick, just spit it out" while rubbing my back.

Labour
With DD, they were taking the tube out of my c-section scar the next day and gave me entonox to deal with it. I halucinated that Miss Piggy was taking it out and kept saying "p* off miss piggy this is serious business, Dh tell her to go away the midwife has work to do"

With elective caesarian with DS, I was in the operating theatre all cut open, when I realised that the anaesthetist was actually a regular customer of mine and I'd developed tons of his photos at work. I said "Oh, you're one of the few customers that has seen me naked" and then not picking up on his red face (he was only mid-twenties) I then added "and I'm pretty certain you're the only one to actually see inside my body, are you proud?" now!!

I was told once if you go into labour in the food aisle in Marks & Spencers you get a hamper full of goodies? Anyone else heard of that? I could never afford to buy food in M&S so my opportunity never happened!

I heard that too but discovered it must be an urban myth. I actually went to M&S after my contractions had started, partly because I needed to get a new bra and it was something to do, but partly because I thought I might get free stuff! Was huffing and puffing in the changing room while the lady measured me but she was totally uninterested! Maybe lots of women have tried it and M&S staff are wise to it and just ignore women in labour!

Yea guess so....maybe expectant Mum's ought to try Waitrose then?!

I'm glad I put this thread on...and I'm sorry if it's been done before but its been really good to read all your funny stories....they'd make some excellent story lines for comedies!

my best childbirth moment, was when i was delivering my DD, (she was born in her waters), my sister was on my left side with my mum, the midwife told her to come to the other side so she could hold my foot up as she walked round i pushed my membranes out my sisters face was a picture so hard to laugh and push at the same time! and 2 pushes later DD was born. wish we had a camera to capture her face.

When I was pushing dd1 out - the 9lb 5oz elephant that she was - I can remember screaming at my lovely, kind, patient delivery mw 'just get this f*ing bastard out of me' and she gave me a very stern talking to and told me 'if you'd like to push harder then we'll have a baby'. I felt like I was giving birth to an elephant but as it turned out she was born with her hands up over her face so she didn't help her poor Mother at all.

I later visited the mw at home (she was a friend of the family) and took some flowers over to her and apologised for being so rude. She was fine about it and actually commented that what I'd said was quite mild compared to what some Mum's say! Oooh err!

Hockeypuck - ROFL at Miss Piggy!!!

It was the bit on hockeypuck's about being one of the few customers that had seen her naked that made me giggle!

bump

DS1 was born at 5.30 a.m. many years ago - 8 lb7oz, I was (then) tiny - when it was all over and DS1 had arrived, now ex-DH uttered the immortal phrase "I'm SO tired - I've been on my feet all night" We've been divorced for 12 years but I still can't let him forget about it!

Mmmmm....that'll be the last time I look at the organic tomatoes in Sainsburys....!

after a frustrating labour with the dt's i was finally getting somewhere- dh had just been outside for a fag and rung his mum to tell her that not much was happening etc (not sure what he thought the moo-ing and panting was if nothing was happening!)

Anyway, he appeared to find me in the room totally alone, on all fours grabbing the bedhead bit (apparently my fingers were totally white i was gripping that hard) ROCKING the bed from side to side like a maniac, called the midwife, she arrivewd as i said- "i'm having a f***g baby, wtf do all of you lot want" needless to say dh was quite shocked at this outburst!

Anyway, i was sarcastically told by the midwife- "i know you've been going for a long time dear but it'll be a goo-" "blimey, you weren't wrong love were you" as she caught a glimpse of the poor wee mite shooting accross the room (adeptly caught by a midwifery student!)

So after that charade you'd think nothing more could go wrong- well, the midwife dealing with me was due off shift ten minutes before but someone had been caught up on the way in so she agreed to stay for half and hour to cover- no one had told her i was having twins. she asked if i wanted to breastfeed straight away, i replied that that might not be such a good idea and started moo-ing again, i've never seen someone look so paniced, anyway same again dt2 born very quickly, and i could see her dying to ask if there were any more up there! Thankfully by the time dt2 was born we had a room full of medics and it was confirmed that there were definatly only ever two in there!

not me but I always laugh when I think about a story my aunt told me a few years ago about when she was in labour with my cousin.

At the time it was normal for the husband/partner to stay outside with all the other eager dad's-to-be and periodically a nurse would go and inform them of any progress........my aunt was having a very difficult time and it was ages before the m/w came with any news.....delighted to see her coming my uncle stood up to greet her and hear the news....'don't worry Mr.X, all is fine, your wife just had an epidural, you'll be able to see her soon', big smile and off she went....

Delighted with the news after hours and hours of waiting, my uncle rang home and told everyone the baby was born. Asked if it was a boy or a girl he said he didn't know, all he was told was that it was an epidural and aunt was fine!

Having read these threads...why do we put ourselves through it all??!!!

..I had such a rough delivery with dd2 that it took me months to bond with her. She left me in such a state (physically) I actually resented having her around me! Awful I know but don't worry...I'll keep reminding her as she grows up, when she gets her first boyfriend, has her own children what she did to her Mother all those years ago!

AbRoller - that really did make me chuckle.
And as for the tale about being in M&S when you give birth..... with baby No 2 I was much more relaxed and so after my waters broke and i could feel things starting to happen, I rushed DS round to my sisters so that i could pop to the shops and stock up on some fresh fruit and milk. Trouble was as I was driving there my contractions started and I remember vividly standing at the end of the check out in M&S, packing my bag with my mangos and milk, 9 and a half months pregnant and huge, clenching my fist over the edge of the counter and heavy breathing through a contraction and no one noticed or if they did decided to ignore me

A friend of my mother's was left in stirrups for god knows how long (back in the '70s) while about 10 students gathered around and peered at her. After they all left the room, a window cleaner appeared at the window, and he could see everything. Maybe she's exaggerated the story over the years but the way she tells it is hilarious.

I'd had a nightmare pregnancy - 9 months of hyperemesis (it's a mind altering experience),lost piles of weight, babies father gone awol, living with parents, and a very young looking 23. Self esteem at zero. Anyway - picture this - emaciated girl (me) running along train platform with massive baby bump carrying armful of library books. Pan to mortified looking (male) train guard and hysterically laughing group of teenage boys as they watch (in slow motion) 9 months pregnant girls jeans fall round her ankles. Train guard then 'busies' himself by picking up scattered library books while girl stands in shock pulling up jeans. I've never flashed before then and I never will again!

I was sooo desperate to go in to labour with ds as I was so uncomfortable that when I was fully dilated my sister asked me if pain was still my friend. Surprisingly I did actually answer yes although I think to some extent it was the gas & air talking.