Grrr - what do you SAY to these morons?

[Moorhen]

I'm 35+5 with first LO. And still in recovery from major childbirth phobia - even in tenth week was preparing to beg for elective CS. I'm OK at the moment but I still have wobbles.

People KEEP remarking on what a huge bump I've got and how massive the baby must be (and it isn't, is more that I've really only grown on the bump so it seriously sticks out). Which is no comfort when you're bricking yourself about squeezing the baby out!

And yesterday lunch hour I got the following in ten minutes flat:

1. Guy on greengrocers stall selling me my apple and then saying "FIrst one? You're gonna be in pain - PAIN!" then chortling merrily. Feckwit.

2. Cashier in Boots insisting I must be having twins. Then saying baby must be ENORMOUS. Then saying "You know what you're going to go through, right? It's agony. ABSOLUTE AGONY. I never had a second child because I just couldn't face it."

At the moment I'm just smiling weakly and being polite, then walking away and fuming. But longing to ask what the bloody hell they think they're doing. It's so insensitive!

DH (more robust than me) says I should just tell 'em to f**k off and not even try to shame them.

Anyone else get this? Any good (or funny) ways of dealing?

If you can face it I would be straight with them - 'actually I am a first time Mum and am pretty nervous about giving birth and you r comments are just not helpful. PLease think before you say the same kind of thing to someone else, I can cope but someone else may not'

Polite but to the point, and may make you feel a bit better, and make the twerp think!

Moorhen - people can be such thoughtless dicks. They revel in sharing bad news, proably the sort of people who slow down by a caqr accident.

Ignore them, every pregnancy and birth is different. Fwiw there are many many many posotive birth stories. My best friend had similar where people kept telling her shit like that. She went to hospt was already fully dilated and baby born within an hour and a half.

Please try and ignore people that want to tell you bad stuff (easier said then done tho)

How would the guy know about child birth - silly sod! Anyway if it's painful you get pain relief. WIth no 1 I had an epidural and it was wonderful. With no. 2 it was pain relief free as he came out very fast and it was wonderful as well as I felt I experienced it more iykwim. Honestly I was cacking myself but guess what I want another so tell all these doom and gloomers to take a hike. Say to the next one offering wisdom "don't join the Samaritans will you?" and walk off.

Brings back memories of the "baby shower" my work colleagues threw for me when I was heavily pregnant with ds1 (I only had a few days to go, actually, as he was early - though obviously I didn't know that at the time). It was at my house (to save me travelling) so I got to clean and tidy and lay on all the food. They all pitched up, proceeded to get raucously drunk and tell me increasingly horrific stories about childbirth..."well, my friend's friend's next door neighbour's cousin...rushed into hospital at 38 weeks....horrendous labour...97 hours and she had to have a section at the end of it anyway...then...gave birth to twin donkeys...one had an elephant's trunk and the other a full set of fins...you think it doesn't happen these days with scans and everything...but it does."

Then one would notice me sitting there, glass of orange juice in hand, pale with fear...and go "oh but moo...that won't happen to you!" then straight into the next horror story.

They all staggered drunkenly into taxis at midnight, leaving me to totter round and clear up the mess on my incredibly swollen ankles

I don't know why people do it - except I sort of do, too - now I've had two there's nothing better than getting together over a few bottles of wine with friends and comparing (and trying to outdo each other with) birth stories.

I don't know what the answer is - I'm sure they would be mortified to know it was upsetting you. Btw, my labour was absolutely fine - and ds1 isn't a donkey.

agree with panda about honesty but I do think that there do seem to be a lot of people who, when faced with a pregnant woman, think they are "experts" in midwifery.

My friend's baby was 10 1/2 lbs - slipped out in about an hour with no pain relief ( and she is a bit of a wuss!) - all pregnancies and births are different and you certainly don't need ignorant people telling you what yours will be like.

So - polite honesty or just say "Look - it's my body and my baby. It's not really any of your business is it?" - depending on how you're feeling at the time.

Message withdrawn

Moorhen - I got this with my DS (he's 6 weeks), I fully expected to need all pain relief and be suffering and in pain afterwards.
My measurements showed DS would be fairly small, as it happens he was just over average - so guesses as to the weight are pretty useless IME.
I coped with labour fine with TENS and gas and air. Had no pain at all afterwards apart from a calf cramp and swollen feet!
It was painful and hard work but at no point was it ABSOLUTE AGONY (and if it is for you, as someone else pointed out, you can have pain relief). I'd happily do it again, and he's only 6 weeks so I haven't forgotten!
Anyway, I know every birth is different, but I just wanted to share my positive birth experience. Practically, what do you have in mind to cope with the pain? I found the TENS machine to be a big help, as was walking around and remembering to breathe (sounds silly I know but it really did help). Plus, for each contraction, when you think you can't cope any more, that tends to be the peak of the contraction and it gets better from there(and that for me was only very late on when I got the 'can't cope' feeling, the early ones were OK)
Sorry for wittering on, I haven't actually answered your question, which was how to answer them - how many children had the guy at the greengrocer's given birth to exactly? Maybe you should just smile and nod, they're not worth arguing with because whatever you say they'll put down to you being a first timer.

Message withdrawn

As you can see, clarity of thought and the ability to construct a well thought out post has taken a bit longer to come back in my case!

I was whopping (still am ), and DS was 6lb 4oz with quite a small head.

You will be fine, and your baby will be worth it.

MaloryTowers, yes, it is, I prepared for the worst but secretly hoped I would be able to cope - and I could, although I didn't discuss it with people as they give you the "you'll soon find out how bad it is" speech. Obviously I was lucky enough to have a very straightforward labour and birth, but it doesn't have to be terrible!

I had massive bumps with both of mine, to the point where people were asking if I was sure it wasn't twins and that baby would be a big one. 1st baby was 7lb 9, 1 week overdue and 2nd was 7lb 7 - 10 days overdue.

I didn't have any come backs - not that clever - but I know how you feel - thoroughly insulted!

Bump size is irrelevant and the pain is not related to the size of the baby anyway! Ds1 was 8.5lb and the wrong way round so it just didn't work well (had an epidural - great!); Ds2 was 11.3lb and born in water with no pain relief at all as it never got that bad. Biggest baby they'd ever had born in the hospital pool! I was ENORMOUS both times - mainly because I put on about 5stone in each pregnancy as I ate my way through the tiredness (and decided that if I fancied chocolate or ice cream it was a craving and obviously meant the baby was getting short of vitamin chocolate or vitamin icecream and so who was I to deny it....!).
I like the first response from PandaG - might embarrass them AND educate them, AND make you feel better.

The wisdom already imparted covers it really but I just wanted to say that one of the reasons you hear fewer stories of easy births is that those of us who are fortunate not to have gone through hell and high water are often expected to keep quiet when others are playing "trump my awful delivery story". Bit like mentioning that you can eat what you like at a Weight Watchers meeting, I suppose, but it does mean that you don't feel quite as welcome to share your positive experience of labour.
Wishing you the very best of luck (am looking forward to the same a month later ).

BTW, would stress that the easy labour = social pariahdom is a rl thang. On MN, fruit shoots = social pariahdom

I gave birth to a 9lb 8oz baby (dd3 ) and I am desperate to do it again..I had no drugs either.

It's not a walk in the park BUT Its really not that bad...

They're all a bunch of bastards IMHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take NO notice of what people say. I don't understand why people get some sort of sadistic enjoyment out of scaring the hell out of women who are pregnant. People LOVE telling their horror stories, normally with a fair bit of exaggeration I might add.

My advice is, labour can be SO SO different from women to women, and baby to baby, take it as it comes and don't be brave and don't be afraid to ask for pain relief early on, that's what it's there for.

You'll do fine

I'm gonna go through it in September for the 3rd time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS both of my babies for 10 pounders!!!!!!!! And I'm doing it again!

Say, "Are you an expert in Obstetrics or scaremongering? Not that it's any of your business it will painlessly float out on a cloud!"

What an awful thing to say to a first time mother - well, to any mother really!

Bastards - fake labour pains next time it happens - that'll wipe the smiles off their faces. I keep meaning to do it to all the people in shops who look at me in horror as if they might have to deliver my baby in the next 5 minutes - but I haven't got the guts!

"You're not going to give birth here are you?"
Yes, if I was was just about to give birth Boots is exactly where I would be!

I would fix them with a steely stare and ask, "why are you saying that? Is it supposed to be helpful?" and keep staring until they reply.

Tossers. It is painful so hey, they invented pain relief. It will be ok, I promise and then will hold your beautiful LO.

I've sniggered my way through this thread! Thanks everyone, is great to get positive stories and encouragement AND snarky suggestions for snappy answers all in one go!

If anyone ever tries this on me again I think I'll go for Panda's suggestion (I'm nervous, you're not helping, don't do this to anyone else) or beansprout's (why are you saying this? Is it supposed to be helpful? etc).

If it's a man saying it I'll prolly just bite him.

And FWIW, the birth plan basically says GIVE ME THE DRUGS NOW. I wasn't ever planning to be brave... but the reminder that pain relief works and that's why it's called that is very welcome.