NHS not the best start

[JamDad]

So we’ve been having great fun so far...

We did our first meeting with the midwife and my wife’s medical records seemed to have become scrambled with someone else’s at their medical centre, which wasn’t the usual doctors surgery.

This midwife then tried to take my wife’s first blood test with the largest needle she could find. My wife already has a phobia of needles so I had to keep her calm and keep hold of her. Anyway after the sixth attempt the midwife had to give up, and said we’d have to book an appointment with our normal doctors so they could use a small needle which she wasn’t allowed to use.

We did this. The blood guy was very good and quickly filled all the bottles the midwife gave us with what he said was the correct needle to use for my wife who has small veins.

After a week or so my wife rang for the blood results and they’d apparently lost all the samples so no results.

On top of this, the letters for the hospital appointments never arrived even though my wife kept ringing the midwife who said she’d sent them.

Because this was a mess I decided to pay for a private NIPT scan which has all been done, and they were great.

My wife got the details for the NHS scan appointment through even though we’d said we’d chosen the private NIPT so thought she’d best still go in case they gave her a negative mark for not turning up. The hospital tried to turn her away because all her details were incorrect. My wife basically spent an hour and a half there and forced them to do it. Apparently they had only half her name and a completely different NHS number.

As you can imagine. My wife was incredibly upset, and that was supercharged by the extra pregnancy emotions.

So yesterday we went to the doctors to make sense of this disaster and the manager looked through all the details. Even though the midwife has denied all knowledge, she appears to have messed up the details and it’s spiralled. The manager seems to be a lovely lady who spoke to her and the hospital and is contacting NHS uk first thing Monday to sort out this mess and make sure everyone has the correct information and NHS number.

When we reach the 20 week scan I think I’ll pay for private again as I honestly don’t trust anything else NHS.

Is this normal, to have useless midwives? Or have we just got unlucky? Do they actually know what they’re doing?

Any other advise on things we can do ourselves is also much appreciated. I suppose we’ll have to use them when the baby is actually being born, but if there’s anything for me to be aware of that I can keep an eye on at the time, and keep them in check I’ll also be grateful for.

Naturally I shouldn’t need to do this, but I have to look out for my wife and future child.

This not an NHS systemic problem at all. That is a complete red herring. An admin error has occurred and yr wife has a fear of needles.
If you live in a big city there may be an adequate private maternity service . I suspect there is, in London at least for expats ineligible for the NHS but you won't find many ( if any) medical staff having their babies privately and in particular the private sector doesn't support emergencies in most cases. As pp says, a private midwife has no increased skills and it could be said that many have less as they are not used to managing complicated pregnancies. If your relationship has broken down with your initial midwife ask the coordinator to reallocate you.
Nothing wrong with partners , male and female, attending appointments.

It does sound frustrating but more from an administrative point of view than a clinical one. You don't need to go storming into appointments to keep professionals in check. The midwife will not have gone in search of a huge needle on purpose. Just used a standard one.

Would it be worth you and your wife seeking some help for anxiety/anger? It's not normal or reasonable to expect staff to deal with extreme anger or someone "losing it" over admin errors. Pregnant or not.

You’ll both have to chill out a bit before the actual labour or you’ll go mad on the wards. You’ve had quite a shitty admin error and it is understandable to be annoyed by that but it’s unfair to say the nhs and all midwives are inept in that basis. On the bloods, she’s going to have to get used to it and try and make sure she’s well hydrated beforehand to make it as easy as possible to get the blood. I’ve got crappy veins and always warn the midwives. I know there is a good chance they won’t get blood out of me and will need to try a few times. She’s only going to have more needles so it’ll do her good to work through her fears especially if she ends up needing an epidural or other intervention during labour.

The needle issue is very strange, the midwives I’ve had have all been very practiced at drawing blood. My current one, who I also had for the latter half of my previous pregnancy is fab, she uses a tiny butterfly needle for my difficult to find veins. I’m not keen on needles (although not phobic) and I prefer to lie down for them, which she’s fine with too.
The rest sounds like an administrative mess. Unless you are in London and very wealthy private isn’t an option and you’ll have to deal with this system and possibly the same people all the way through so best to try to resolve it calmly now.

Well it's hardly a 'disaster', as you put it

My husband comes to my appointments. He wants to and is able to. No big deal.

OP, one thing I learned through pregnancy is that the NHS is not perfect and care for women during pregnancy and birth is woefully inadequate at times. But in general, people are doing their very best with limited resource. It's tough, but you really need to take a breath and ride it out. There is a good chance it will be a bit chaotic throughout and it's best if you are pragmatic and patient rather than going in all guns blazing with the staff.

I think it’s nice you go to all the appointments, it’s an exciting time for both parents! But try relax on the nhs and midwives, it sounds like you guys have just been unlucky! You should concentrate on helping your wife with her needle phobia, lots off bloods and jags to be taken during pregnancy, likely it’s not a phobia she has anyway, some people need to be hypnotised or go through therapy for needles so if she’s not on that stage with needles then tell your wife to toughen up, in a nice way :)

Hope the admin error gets sorted and you can see how wonderful the NHS can be, but if you have money to burn, go private, just be prepared that their service won’t be perfection either. Good luck

So will you be paying the 25k to go private OP? Genuinely not goady but I'm interested if you feel the NHS warrants you doing so?

The OP, whilst what you've described is frustrating, I think PPs are annoyed as you seem to think the midwife deliberately chose a large needle and deliberately couldn't get the blood. This is not what happened. HCP get very frustrated when they aren't successful in drawing blood.

Also, what I thought was very strange was how, twice, you said "I decided to pay" and "I think I'll pay". Surely, these are things you decide together. It does sound controlling if I'm honest and makes me feel like you're in charge of the purse strings, which doesn't bode well for when baby arrives.

Yes, OP, please go privately in future and leave the NHS to those who appreciate it.

Is this a serious post?! All midwives are educated to degree level as a minimum. It is a profession. All midwives can carry out venepuncture and canulation with any size of needle. Your comments regarding your experience are absolute rubbish!!
You are not the first couple in the world to have a baby. Your wife is no more precious or important than any other pregnant woman. There is no private wholistic Obstetric care available in the UK because the service you are offered on the NHS is world class. Get off your high horse.

Just go private if the NHS are completely useless and god help you, your wife or unborn child if you ever need emergency treatment, because it’ll be someone useless from the NHS not knowing what they’re doing providing said treatment

She’s asked me to go with her to every appointment and also for me to sort this mess out so she doesn’t explode as she just can’t cope with this right now

Sounds very dramatic for an admin error and also, to be quite honest, like an angry and hostile woman who is going to kick off throughout the pregnancy. I'm sure if i was your midwife I'd secretly hoping you found somewhere else to get your care.
DH came to all my appointment with our first DS, he's only came to one scan with my second pregnancy as it easier for me to get the care I need if DH looks after DS during appointments. It works for us and DH doesn't really feel like he's missing out.

I think going private is an excellent idea, it is unlikely that the NHS staff will be sufficiently sensitive and understanding of a grown fucking womans your wife's needle phobia. Seeing as how they will be intent on keeping mother and baby alive and well. The private sector will be more sympathetic, though as others have said will refer back to the NHS should anything go wrong

I just wanted to say that I didn't like my midwife at first either. She was rude and condescending, because young parents can't possibly be knowledgeable and my dp must be doing drugs because he is covered in tattoos and is a heavy metal drummer.
However she turned out to be extremely caring and nice as she got to know us. She even changed her whole weeks schedule just so she could come to check on me when DS was born prematurely and I nearly died.
Don't tar the whole profession because of one bad experience. You really aren't doing anyone any favours

No. There are absolutely no midwives in the whole NHS who know what they are doing. For fucks sake, you sound ridiculous. And your strong willed, independent wife needs you at every appointment? Yeah right. you sound very controlling, I think she may just be brow beaten.

If this is for real, how is your dw going to cope with being a mum if she needs you at every appointment. Midwives use the same needles as everyone else too. Admin errors do occur but I'm guessing that it's been exasperated by then going private (I don't get the hurry to scan, it was at 18 weeks when I had mine!) Try and relax, she needs to be in charge of her care not you

Yeah, do you think she may “kick off” after the baby is born? It is often far more stressful than just being pregnant.

I'd be super upset if I were OP, too.
Is not at all like my experience of birth on the NHS, though. I am nervous of needles too, history of mega-bruising. I refused blood tests in pregnancies 2+.

Is there something super common about your DW's name, Jo Cox, maybe? I'd be double checking all the details at every appt going forward.

To be honest I haven't had brilliant experiences with the NHS over the years and I always feel like I have to be 110% on the ball with everything that's going on even if I'm the patient because things always end up getting miscommunicated (that's just my experience).

Only advice I will give you is make sure you have good communication with your wife and listen to her needs so you can communicate them to the midwives when she's in labour as she might not be able to do it herself. During my 2nd labour the midwives wanted me to get a cannula in my had to get some antibiotics - for them to actually work I would have needed to have more than one dose which are given 4hours apart during labour. I refused and told them that it won't work as my labours are quick so it won't take as they'll be no time, they kept pushing and pushing and saying that I need it and acting like I didn't know what I was talking about - it doesn't help that I'm not a fan of needles so it was seriously stressing me out. They ended up trying to get DP on side to get him to convince me and in the meantime called for a nurse to come down to administer it.
She turned up 10mins later whilst I was halfway through pushing... It's not a huge deal but they should have just listened to me. I sometimes worry that they blindly ignore other people in more serious situations.

Well personally, I owe our NHS a lot.
Midwives are educatated to a degree level and have hours of dedicated practice under their belt. So yes, midwives do know what they are doing.
You will probably find that if you pay for a private midwife, you will get one that is ex-NHS anyway, or still part time for the NHS.

No offence but NHS staff are under a he'll of a lot of pressure and have a really serious job to do. They don't have that much time to be concerned about a needle phobia. Your wife will have to have good taken very regularly now, and will also face some massive needles for her labour pain relief, so no, they probably didn't care too much for her issue with this.

If you want to pay to go private, go for it, it'll free up NHS midwives for everyone else.

My response is full of typos because of my unhelpful autocorrect - please read between the lines and suss out what I was saying, stupid phone

I wonder if there is another patient with the same or a similar name and that's why there has been a mix up.

Actually in shock at a lot of these responses. Attacking someone for being controlling for going to the midwife with his wife? It may not be everyone's choice but it certainly doesn't make a man abusive and a women weak and childlike.
To also go in on a pregnant women who's scared of needles? Yes it would be healthy to work on the phobia, but for gods sake people are scared of things. I was scared of needles until I had to start having B12 injections, I got used to them.
I work for the NHS, and nothing annoys me more then when patients complain about appointments running late or other minor things, because god yes we are so lucky to have free healthcare. BUT that doesn't mean you can't get annoyed when this many things go wrong, sorry you've had a bad experience OP, try and get the incorrect details corrected and a lot of those problems should sort themselves out.
Don't listen to some of the angry and spiteful women on this website who turn everything into an attack and will twist minor things like you supporting your wife in a way they wouldn't personally like into you being abusive and controlling.
Mumsnet never fails to surprise me.

Can you/your wife not check the nhs number on your wife’s notes to ensure they are her notes?

My notes and blood test forms are all with me at all times and I hand them over the relevant form to the phlebotomist when the actual test is taken and then they put the pre-printed sticker, with my name address and nhs number and doctors details (also filed in my notes) on the form to ensure the tests are correctly identified as mine and the results go to the right place.

I’ve had three babies in three different nhs trusts and this has always been the case.

One of my pregnancies the booking in midwife seemed a bit abrupt, even DP noticed it, but the next time we saw her she was lovely and right the way thro my pregnancy.

People have off days occasionally and I don’t think checking the details on your own notes is a big ask. I love reading thro my notes so would have spotted any incorrect details immediately.

Midwives are all very highly trained, they have to study to degree level then they have to deliver a specific number of natural births within a certain time frame to qualify. If you feel you want to ‘keep your midwife in check’ perhaps opt for delivering your baby yourself!

I also have a needle phobia and tell the midwife right at the start so they send me to phlebotomists instead bad have bloods done together so I have fewer tests to do.