NHS not the best start

[JamDad]

So we’ve been having great fun so far...

We did our first meeting with the midwife and my wife’s medical records seemed to have become scrambled with someone else’s at their medical centre, which wasn’t the usual doctors surgery.

This midwife then tried to take my wife’s first blood test with the largest needle she could find. My wife already has a phobia of needles so I had to keep her calm and keep hold of her. Anyway after the sixth attempt the midwife had to give up, and said we’d have to book an appointment with our normal doctors so they could use a small needle which she wasn’t allowed to use.

We did this. The blood guy was very good and quickly filled all the bottles the midwife gave us with what he said was the correct needle to use for my wife who has small veins.

After a week or so my wife rang for the blood results and they’d apparently lost all the samples so no results.

On top of this, the letters for the hospital appointments never arrived even though my wife kept ringing the midwife who said she’d sent them.

Because this was a mess I decided to pay for a private NIPT scan which has all been done, and they were great.

My wife got the details for the NHS scan appointment through even though we’d said we’d chosen the private NIPT so thought she’d best still go in case they gave her a negative mark for not turning up. The hospital tried to turn her away because all her details were incorrect. My wife basically spent an hour and a half there and forced them to do it. Apparently they had only half her name and a completely different NHS number.

As you can imagine. My wife was incredibly upset, and that was supercharged by the extra pregnancy emotions.

So yesterday we went to the doctors to make sense of this disaster and the manager looked through all the details. Even though the midwife has denied all knowledge, she appears to have messed up the details and it’s spiralled. The manager seems to be a lovely lady who spoke to her and the hospital and is contacting NHS uk first thing Monday to sort out this mess and make sure everyone has the correct information and NHS number.

When we reach the 20 week scan I think I’ll pay for private again as I honestly don’t trust anything else NHS.

Is this normal, to have useless midwives? Or have we just got unlucky? Do they actually know what they’re doing?

Any other advise on things we can do ourselves is also much appreciated. I suppose we’ll have to use them when the baby is actually being born, but if there’s anything for me to be aware of that I can keep an eye on at the time, and keep them in check I’ll also be grateful for.

Naturally I shouldn’t need to do this, but I have to look out for my wife and future child.

If she "cant cope" with such relatively minor inconveniences and is "ready to explode" so very early into her parenting journey, I fear for her down the line. This is the easy bit, and best soon to learn that having children is often frustrating and things don't always go as planned.

I really don't understand what the issue is with the OP going to the appointments?!

My DH comes with me to my appointments (exception of booking in which is mother only in my area).I'm not a child I just like him being involved and actually it's quite useful for afterward if I wasn't sure on something as he pays attention to different aspects then I do and in the beginning I was generally sat there just feeling horrific so not taking much in.

I think it's good for a father to want to be actively involved!

naturally as a caring supporting husband I don’t want her to be upset and frustrated enough for us both to completely lose trust in those we need to rely on for a safe journey to birth

This is a good thing to remember, but it’s also partly within your/her control to achieve. Keep things in perspective: she’s had one midwife unable to take bloods, plus one admin snafu. That’s really annoying, but it’s not a systemic problem with the whole NHS or the whole profession of midwifery and it doesn’t mean her care is going to be dangerously neglectful.

Twiglet, apparently plenty of others here disagree with you and maybe prefer to do everything by themselves?

I think it's great you're involved. It doesn't sound like you're trying to control everything, just that you expect things to run as smoothly as they should

My DH has come with me to some antenatal appts before, but I agree it’s generally not something that a partner can contribute much to. How are you feeling, pee sample, blood pressure, listen to fetal heartbeat, here’s a leaflet about whatever, bye see you next time.

Sounds like you've had an exceptionally bad experience. I'm sure it isn't common. The NHS can be brilliant in so many ways and is sometimes simply let down by the odd member (not all) of staff. I've had great experiences that have saved my life twice in the past two years, but equally when I was pregnant last year the particular NHS midwife I was assigned was dreadful. So bad that I looked to go private. I'm in Central London and price wise it was going to work out £20-25k all in (consultant fees, scans, blood tests, hospital etc). I'd still almost certainly go privately in future.

Going forward in the nicest possible way your wife will have to toughen up needle wise as she is going to have to have lots of blood tests which may go wrong esp if she has small veins - I also have small veins and hate needles and have multiple attempts. They're a necessary evil unfortunately.

She sounds a woman of 2 halves. Strong willed and independent but unable to go to appointments without her man beside her

To do down every midwife on the performance of just one is short sighted.

Do what you need to do to get the birth you would like, be that private or NHS. Asking for advice and how "to keep them in check" makes you sound like a complete arse.
Maybe your dw would be better off going alone to appointments so then she won't have the worry of you starting off!

Each to their own with regards to partners coming. My DH is an extremely hands on father, and was very actively involved at all stages. However I didn’t see the need in him sitting in the midwives office while I had my wee dipped, blood pressure checked and blood samples taken. It wouldn’t have been a good use of his time and having him there would not have enhanced my experience at all. I am on my third pregnancy and he has never been to a midwife appointment, only scans. However my pregnancies were extremely straightforward. If they were complicated I can see that I’d maybe want the support.

Most of that seems like an admin cock up rather than a useless midwife. So while annoying and shouldn’t have happened it’s not fair to blame the midwife.

As for the phlebotomy issues, the midwife wouldn’t have “chosen the biggest needle she could find”. There is a standard sized needle which is routine for everyone inc people with small veins. If that doesn’t work then there is a butterfly needle. Not all places will have them, they’re more expensive. The ward I work on didn’t used to routinely stock them so she may not be allowed from a budget issue.

She may never have been shown how to use them. In thirteen years of taking blood I would say I’ve used them less than ten times. So she may not have felt confident. To be honest nobody has ever shown me how to use them, I just figured it wasn’t rocket science and had a go on someone once and it worked.

A private scan does not ensure a better service as far as your 20 week scan goes. For a start they’re carried out my qualified sonographers, not midwives. I guess it all depends on an individual but personally I’d rather go to the nhs where the sonographer probably does 10 a day. A small scale private place may do one a week because most people will use the nhs. Obviously if you’re in London and are going to find a large private clinic that’s different. I knew someone who had a private 20 week scan and the private clinic missed the fact the baby didn’t have a brain.

And as for do midwives know what they’re doing? Well after three years of specialised training, plus however many years of experience you would hope so. I don’t think there’s any tips we can give you to “keep them in check” during labour.....somehow doubt your obstetric knowledge can be brought up to speed that much over the next few months.

Midwifery is a highly regulated profession with robust governance. You’d be very unlikely to get someone who had unsafe practice.

bloody hell at that private scan, Nico

I missed that bit! Keep them in check?!

53rdway

I know. I’m a midwife, not a sonographer and am not the best at making sense of scans at all (I don’t have to be, not my job) but I think even I might have thought something was wrong there!

Thanks Nico.

You’ve actually made us both feel much more at ease with all your helpful knowledge.

Not about the private scan though obviously!

There’s plenty of emotions and worry this end with it being our first and with what doesn’t seem to have been a good experience so far, and reading about that news report of that babies head being cut off recently on that botched delivery! All be it a one off case...

Also she asked me to come along so she doesn’t kick off, we seems likely at the minute.

Sounds like a wonderful patient and great mother material - someone who can't control her moods and temper, gets pregnant with a needle phobia knowing the process involves a lot of needles, can't cope at a routine appointment without her controlling spouse in tow, demanding. Wow.

OP, like you, my husband was very supportive throughout my pregnancy and now our little one has arrived. I would have really struggled without him and I see myself as a relatively strong person. It's a new and scary process and much easier when your own partner is supportive. I was happy for my husband to take over sometimes as I didn't have the energy and hormones drove me a little crazy.

I wouldn't let this admin slip up taint your view on all midwives but it's understandable that a situation like this has consequences on your views. I didn't have the best experiences with some of the midwives (didn't tell me I needed the whooping cough vaccination and cock ups with various appts. The aftercare wasn't brilliant and is one of the main reasons that breastfeeding didn't work out for me) however, we have had some excellent midwives. It does make you question a few things but like other professions, there's good ones and there's some not so good.

My sister went private and had some similar experiences. It's down to the person, not the profession. I'm glad I didn't pay for private care after hearing from my sister as you would expect the best when paying but I'm afraid it doesn't always happen.

If you are unsure about something or the service, do question and investigate further. We had a slight health issue at the start and the midwives told us to stay at home but we went with our gut feeling and were right to do so by taking him into hospital!

Good luck and do what you and your wife feel is right!

Just to reiterate that my husband not coming to my appointments didn’t make him unsupportive. He couldn’t have been more supportive. I just didn’t need him at my midwife appointments.

Thanks Joyce. :)

This post has really angered me.
Experienced midwives are leaving in droves. They can’t even replace the jobs with enough newbies, so asides from the nhs loosing all of this valuable experience, they can’t even get the same number of new recruits to plug the gap (a little).

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/shortcuts/2018/sep/12/why-midwives-leaving-nhs-causing-a-crisis

Why are midwives leaving? One of the reasons is they barely have enough time to provide care and are under extreme stress.
The last thing they need is people like you, op, whinging on about useless midwives because of an admin error, that may have been nothing to do with the midwife.

There are some real issues with poor maternity care at the moment, and some people really do have grounds to complain.

But your wife and her fear of scary big needles, just won’t be the midwifes priority when she is trying to assess possibly high risk patients in a community clinic.

So please, as you have a penis, and don’t have the worry of delivering a baby in a massively under stretched nhs, where soon you will be lucky to have a newly qualified deliver you, then do just piss off.
Your Nasty comments, remarks and complaints are probably some of the things that tip experienced midwives over the edge and cause them to leave their job.

So from a pregnant woman, thanks for that 👏 well done you.
The nhs problems won’t be solved by blaming hardworking frontline staff.
Pester your local mp about maternity services, if you want to actually help.

Everyone has a different perspective on this but me personally I want my husband to come to all the scans! And he is definitely very excited about going to them and with us it’s a case of us both being very excited to see our beautiful baby not a case of him being ‘controlling’!!

@jamdad it's definitely personal choice, my DH wants to come along and I'm glad that he does. I think it's wrong to chastise dads if they wish to be there or criticise the woman...

Same time I wouldn't criticise or be shocked if the mother just went and you definitely get actively involved dad's without them going to all the midwife appointments but Im not for slating someone who wishes to be involved in that aspect.

Oh DH came to all the scans. Just not the boring midwife appts where they test your wee, your blood pressure and give you leaflets!

OP if you are in a city/large town you may be able to change the individual community midwife by just phoning up the team and asking to attend a different clinic on the same and time day. I changed that way because I was initially sent to a clinic 40 minutes away (plus I didn't like the booking midwife as I found her attitude horrible). I pointed out it was too far away when they were nearer clinics 10 to 30 minutes away. I ended up seeing two nice community midwives plus some students.

It's not the scans they were talking about Bouncer4me, it's the standard midwife appointments where they check your urine sample and blood pressure and so on. But I don't think there's anything wrong with dads going to those too if that's what suits the couple! Just probably best not to go in with an attitude of "these people can't be trusted and I need to be there to keep an eye on them", that's just setting yourself up for stress and hassle.