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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How can I decide whether to have an abortion or a baby?

26 replies

lovma · 20/09/2018 00:42

Hi, I’m 19, at first year of uni, just found out I’m about 6 weeks pregnant. Me and boyfriend broke up due of toxic and abusive relationship, however, I know that he would want to keep the baby. I would definitely do it as well, even of my age and uni, I would take a break from uni and still do it!! The only thing is him. I’m not sure if I could be with him again. Maybe he would change, my parents hate him. He was so bad to me. I literally don’t know what to do, I’ve been through so much in my life, was diagnosed with depression, I feel like maybe all of this happened for a reason. At the same time I feel like I’m only 19, and who knows maybe one day I would meet the man of my life and make a happy family. I also don’t know how I would feel after abortion, how to live with a thought that your life could be 100% different at this time, that you could have a baby. I’m so lost and don’t really have anyone to talk about it. At first I was about 90% sure I will don’t keep the baby, but now everything reminds me of it and I’m starting to thinking about everything

OP posts:

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 20/09/2018 00:49

I had an abortion at 19. I was still with the father but he was also abusive, in every way possible, and told me that he would kick the baby out of me if I didn't get down the clinic. I was devastated at the time, but 20 years on I can see that it was the right thing to do, even if it was for the wrong reason. A year later after we had split, i met the love of my life and we had a child together and got married. We are still together and i don't think we would have even met if i had gone through with the pregnancy. I would probably be a battered wife or dead. I would also forever be tied to a violent manipulative arsehole who would be a terrible father.

It has to be your decision, so I'm not trying to persuade you either way. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Havetothink · 20/09/2018 06:21

Objectively it sounds like you'd be better not to have it, but only you can decide what's right for you, don't base your decision on what your abusive ex might want.

abbsisspartacus · 20/09/2018 06:25

You don't have to be with him to have the baby, do you think he will co parent?

frenchfancy · 20/09/2018 06:28

If you have the baby you will be tied to him forever. Your baby is also his baby.

If you were my daughter I would be advising you to terminate.

I hope you are getting the support you need.

GuntyMcGee · 20/09/2018 06:38

Firstly, if you decide to have the baby do not get back with him. He will not change.

Consider carefully whether you want to be tied to this man for the rest of your life. That's a long time to be in contact with someone you describe as toxic. Also consider the effects of contact with this man on your unborn child as they grow up - contact which is toxic will have lasting impact, as will lack of contact from an indifferent parent.

What drew you to uni? What was it that you wanted to achieve there? What plans did you have for your future before you became pregnant?
How would you survive with a baby if you dropped out? Housing, finances etc?
Have you told your parents yet? Are you going to? Will they help you to decide?

And probably most importantly, what kind of support do you have around you? Are your parents likely to support you and help out? Try not to dwell on the romantic idea of a baby - they're gorgeous, but are expensive and very very had work.

Only you can make the decision, and whatever you decide must be right for you but ask for the right reasons.

Have you thought about referring to a clinic and having their counselling session, which may help you to decide?

Good luck OP, you must feel so conflicted. I hope you've got good people around to support you through this

MaverickSnoopy · 20/09/2018 06:50

I had a termination 10 years ago and decided by writing a pros and cons list to help me get my thoughts out. I regretted it and didn't regret it in equal measures but looking back it's now the best thing I ever did. Still actually with that father, in fact we are married with a 3rd child on the way - but we wouldn't have any of that had I kept the baby. You just don't know how life will pan out.

Your ex will never change. You only have to read through the reams of stories on the relationships board on MN to see how many women are stuck with abusive partners who they thought would change. So if you do this you NEED to do it without him. You can do it without him. Do you want to?

In your shoes I would be worried about being tied to this man forever. When I was pregnant 10 years ago that was a genuine concern of mine - we'd only been together for 6 months and although he was lovely I just didn't know if we'd be together forever (and now we've been married 8 years).

In your shoes and with the experience I have now I would terminate. But. I am not you and you can achieve anything you want from life. You just have to work out what you want.

timeforachangeithink · 20/09/2018 06:51

He will not change, abuse tends to escalate in pregnancy too. Do not get back with this man.

That aside, you sound like you want to keep the baby. He will need to be made aware. If he wants to be a part of their life then maybe social services support would be wise if there is a history of abuse? To help protect the child.

SleepFreeZone · 20/09/2018 06:55

He will be able to control you for the next 19 years if you have this baby. Personally I wouldn’t go through with it. Get your education, build a career and go find a great father for your future children. They deserve it.

ems137 · 20/09/2018 07:16

I had an abortion at 18, I'm 33 now with 4 children.

For a few months afterwards I felt guilty and sad but after that I 100% realised it was the right thing to do.

19 is still very young with a lot of maturing to do, I know I felt totally mature and grown up but when I look back I really wasn't. Life is so hard with a baby, they take up all of your time, money, energy and emotions and that's if you get an easy one!! One of mine screamed all day and night!

I would honestly advise a termination but make sure you've got a trusted friend with you and take it easy afterwards x

villainousbroodmare · 20/09/2018 07:19

I don't know what you should do, but I know for certain what you shouldn't do. Do not get back with that awful abusive man. And don't be in any rush to tell him that you're pregnant. Don't tell him at all if possible.

Babdoc · 20/09/2018 07:27

OP, you need to talk all this through with a counsellor. I’d be very concerned that you have a history of depression, an abusive ex partner and you are very young and vulnerable.

Would you have chosen this man as a good husband, and father of your child? Would you have wanted to raise a family with him for the next 20 years? Do you want to struggle to combine a university course with looking after a baby? If the answers are all No, then I think the sensible choice is a termination.
You have a few weeks to talk it over before you decide, and you need a neutral counsellor to help you explore your options.
Sending a hug, and I hope you find your way to whatever feels the right choice for you.

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 20/09/2018 07:38

At the end of the day you have to do what is right for you, but in your shoes I would not want to tie myself to an abusive man forever, which is what will happen if you have a child with him.

It sounds like you need to sit down with someone impartial and discuss all of this. The BPAS offer counselling services to women who have an unplanned pregnancy, you can follow the link here to see what is available in your area.

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2018 07:45

"He will need to be made aware"

He absolutely does not need to be made aware at this stage. OP-please do not tell him until you have decided wht you want to do. And if you decide on a termination never tell him.

SprogletsMum · 20/09/2018 07:45

I had a baby at 19. The thing I wish someone had told me was that you can only have your first child once. Its special, and if you can, you should try and do it with someone who will make the experience better not worse.

faeriequeen · 20/09/2018 07:56

If it were me, I'd have the baby. I left it until my 30s, and struggled to conceive.

My idea was always to get everything in place - career, husband, house etc. But it means very little when you don't have the family to share it with.

I have friends who had children at your age, and they are now almost grown up. They have great relationships.

If you feel you want this baby then go for it - you can do it.

Branleuse · 20/09/2018 08:01

i think you would be tied to this arsehole for the next 20 years if you go through with this pregnancy. Think carefully. Thats your entire life. I think if youre not desperate for it, then wait till circumstances are better to raise a child. Its a massive thing to do

politicalgames · 20/09/2018 08:03

You don't need to have any kind of relationship with this man in order to keep your baby, OP. If he wanted to see the baby it could be done through a contact centre. Provided you stuck to your guns and refused to see him, you wouldn't have to. If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, that is what you must do.

timeforachangeithink · 20/09/2018 08:03

To clarify, when I said he will need to be made aware I meant if she decides to keep the baby, which is what it sounds like she wants to do.

cleopatracomingatya · 20/09/2018 08:04

If I my were me I would terminate. You have so much ahead of you, and like others said, this abusive man will be tied to you for LIFE if you keep the baby, no matter how old the baby will be, he will be their father and I don't think this would be the healthiest decision for you.

politicalgames · 20/09/2018 08:05

I don't think he needs to be made aware. He's abusive.

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2018 08:26

OP-if you were my ds I would be advising you very strongly to have a termination. Go to the doctors today and talk to them about it- it will take a little while (not long, don't worry) to arrange, but the sooner the better. And don't be scared about the process-it can be a bit grim for some people, but even then it's not too bad.

faeriequeen · 20/09/2018 09:18

But she doesn't need to be tied to the father at all. Plenty of people have no contact.

Don't be pressured into anything. Do what you want to do.

Pinkshadow · 20/09/2018 09:20

It’s your choice.

All I can say is I’m 27, been with husband for 8 years and have a 11 week old baby- it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and that’s with a lot of support.

I have had an abortion when young, and for me that was the right choice. I shudder to think of that awful boyfriend I had fathering my child.

Bellabluea · 20/09/2018 09:32

I had a child at 18 as a single parent with a guy who makes me cringe (at the time I loved him). We split when she was 1 but I had to accept he’s always going to be in my life whether I like it or not.
He’s been an ok dad, crap when she was younger, the perfect loving father now she’s an adult 🙄.
It’s bloody hard. I got my degree eventually but although I don’t regret my children, they’re wonderful, I really really regret having them so young.
Being young and carefree is something you can never ever get back. It’s a pre ious, wonderful time. While all my mates were at uni/partying/travelling, I was at home with a baby who screamed all the time.
It’s very lonely. All your mates will be excited and offer to babysit but when it comes down to it... I had one friend left.

Being a parent is amazing but if I had my time again, I’d be seriously considering my options. 19. Still a baby. My own daughter is 20 and id be so so sad for her.

Whatever you decide, good luck!

Angelmiracle · 20/09/2018 09:42

You can do this @lovma It sounds like you want to keep your baby and you have even thought about uni etc. The only factor here is the father. You can do things to protect you and your baby from him. You can register the baby's birth and not include him on the birth certificate. Involve social services so if he wants contact with the child the visits are supervised. You can also get a restraining order out against him for yourself. My 18 year old cousin had to do all this. He soon got fed up and the supervised visits stopped and there's no contact from him now. My cousin has started her own business as a makeup artist and nail technician and doing great for herself. Her daughter is her whole world. She still lives at home with a supportive family which has helped her a lot. Things might be tough initially but there is help out there to protect you and your baby. Good luck OP.

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