Husband disappointed - reassurance please

[girly19]

Hi ladies.

So, today I had my 20 week scan. Baby is lovely and healthy and I'm over the moon. Trouble is, my husband had his heart set on a boy and is now disappointed. He's thrilled that he baby is healthy and obviously still wants the baby etc but he just pictured two boys (we have DS already).

I'm totally heartbroken, I didn't expect him to react this way and it's really ruined what should have been the best news. Of course I'm still over the moon and can't wait to meet my baby but I just feel really sad and alone to be honest.

My mum knows but I don't want to tell anyone else as 1) I don't want anyone to think less of him as he is a really great guy and we've been very happy. 2) I'm hoping he'll soon just get over it and that's it's just a blip.

I do understand his reasons (although don't agree) as he said he's scared for her and that the world is a scary place for a young women. He's worried she'll get picked on and that she might end up with a horrible partner etc. (I think he's been watching too much TV and this is 2018 although I know his heart is in the right place).

I suppose all I'm looking for is someone to tell this to and also some reassurance that it's just a phase and he'll be over it in no time.

(Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading if you made it this far xx)

Sorry but he’s being a complete arsehole!

And congratulations to you - what a shame you’re feeling anxious because of his odd reaction. How is he about women and girls in general??

Thanks, I don't disagree x

@itswonkylampshade - absolutely fine, I know he sounds like a pig but his sister got really picked on at school so I think it's that that's made him think that'll happen to our baby.

I'm certainly no mug and he treats me great (I would also not expect anything less) x

There are lots of threads about gender disappointment at the moment so he's not alone in hoping for one (regardless of his reasons). I hope this doesn't totally overshadow your excitement for the rest of pregnancy.

Honestly he'll just have to get over it! I just feel crap as totally not what I expected. X

My husband was exactly the same when we found we were expecting a girl. He was supportive during the rest of the pregnancy, but I felt something was missing. After she was born he was the perfect doting father. When she was about 2, he apologised for how he behaved and couldn’t believe how badly he reacted and explained he wanted a boy, but now she was here, he was more than happy she was a girl. I all ready had a boy from my first marriage. So just give him some time and i’m sure he’ll love her just as much as her brother. Just to add, we didn’t have any more, as he was more than happy with his daughter.

It’s horrible, all these men being disappointed in having daughters . It’s hope he gives himself a huge kick up the backside and feels ashamed of himself when she arrives. I don’t buy the fear of bullying thing for a second, I’m very sorry. Bullying in schools is far from exclusive to girls. He’s just displaying a kind of inexcusable misogyny to me, all the more awful because it’s directed at an unborn child.

He doesn't sound like a pig or an arsehole to me there's been and currently are multiple threads on here about parents being disappointed in the gender of the baby. It's normal. Especially because you start to imagine your life with one or the other, and so to have that expectation and hopes changes can be emotional. Let him be, he'll come round. All the other threads I've seen they say after a couple weeks of readjusting it's all fine. Remind him of the positives - the daddy/daughter bond they may share, the first prom, the walking her down the aisle. All those precious dad/daughter moments that are exclusive to having a girl.

@user1471461798 - thank you for that. That's what I'm hoping. He's a fantastic dad and my son adores him. He's said himself he's thrilled baby is healthy etc x

@sirmione16 - thanks. I know he'll love her to death when she's here x

I don't think he's being an arsehole, personally. To me, it sounds much more like anxiety and a huge sense of responsibility on his part. Like he feels that a daughter will be more vulnerable than a son - which we all know isn't the case. Perhaps he also feels that he knows how to handle boys, what with being one and having one!
I'd give him time and let him discuss his worries if he wants to. I'm sure he'll feel better in time and in the meantime maybe point out any super strong women or girls you come across.
Congratulations on baby and the successful scan aside from this blip!

Glad to be of reassurance, She is now nearly 17 and they fight like cat and dog 😉, but they are so close and she tells him everything. more than she tells me. She has also said she is never moving out and leaving him😳!!!! He’s also said she can’t leave until she’s 35!!,!!!!

@FlippertyJibbet88 - thanks. It is the vulnerable thing, I'm sure it is but it's not like I need 'looking after' and all the women in my family are more than capable / independent etc. Like you all say, we know that's not how things are x

My DH was exactly the same after 20 week scan, he wouldn't believe we're having a girl for a month or so as the scan is not 100% accurate i was very disappointed with his reaction. But now he is the most excited dad to be I've met
Give it some time and he'll realise how lucky he is to be having a daughter, father-daughter relationship is so special!
He probably just doesn't feel he knows what to do with girls and can't imagine how to bond with them.

@DariaG - thank you.

We had a good chat last night and I'm feeling a bit better today having slept on it. Not sure how he's feeling but I'll just give him some time. You're right though, he doesn't realise just how lucky he is but hopefully will soon x

Sorry he has reacted this way, it makes things no easier for you.
When he has calmed down a bit, maybe try getting him to see it from another perspective. In honesty, hes right about the world being tough for a girl... but, he can show her what she deserves in a pertner when she is older. He can demonstrate to her how she deserves to be treated. He can teach her how to hold her own in the world. A father-daughter relationship can be so special so i would try and get him to see it from that perspective rather than being so scared for her. We're all scared for our children and what they will face (at the start of my pregnancy i was so scared we were going to go to war with Russia and my son would grow up without us) these are natural reactions. Yes, his timing to have this reaction isnt great but it sounds like, from the worrys hes having, that hes a decent person so he'll come around eventually. Congratulations on finding out the gender of your little one x

I'll be honest when we found out dc2 was a boy I think it took my husband a day or so to get his head round it. I think he was convinced we'd have 2 girls....and I think when you have one of a certain sex already the opposite seems slightly alien concept😂
Well he's absolutely over the moon with our little boy. Hopefully you'll find the same.

We had a DD already when we found out we were having DS.

I cried!

I am really close with my sister and I had wanted that for DD, so I felt a bit sad.

I soon got over it, and the two of them are great friends anyway (apart from this morning when they were each annoyed that the other was breathing too close to them).

He'll get over it

My BIL felt like that. And then when my DD was born he was so delighted with her all his concerns fell away. He said "she couldn't possibly have been anyone else". I hope the same happens for your DH.

I hope you don't get too many posts telling you how dreadful your DH is, as this is (as several people have already said) not unknown, though it must be the most awful experience for the other parent. I was shocked, in disbelief, and completely inconsolable for days, completely uncontrollable, when I found out I was having a boy. I don't think you can understand it unless you've experienced it. It was incredibly hard on my poor DH. I calmed down after a week or so, but it wasn't totally OK until DS arrived.

He's got a point. Being born female in this world is a pretty shit deal right now. He has every reason to be worried. Best thing he can do is focus on bringing your son up to be a good man and not an entitled mysogenist and then on your daughter to be a confident, educated women who has a great role model of a father.

To be fair, I can understand how he's feeling. I also think his concerns come from a good place. I think in his own way he is concerned about being there to protect his daughter. Which surely every parent wants for their child.

Frankly, having had two boys, I would have found it difficult to go on and have a daughter. I don't think girls and women are vulnerable, but I do think there are things they have to face in the world that boys and men don't. I've also had a difficult relationship with my own mum and I was afraid of being the same with my daughter.

I don’t think he is being an arsehole either but I’m sorry his reaction is upsetting for you. I have a DS and eventually when we try for another I now have my heart set on another DS as i want them to be best mates. However I know that there’s a 50/50 chance it might not happen! And if we had a girl I think my DH would be totally besotted which would be lovely.

Also with my DS I really wanted him to be a DD and did have some disappointed pangs that he wasn’t. It lasted a few days for me but then I was so excited for him to arrive. I had high risk trisomies so I felt even more guilty that I had focused on his sex. I think it’s hard to explain unless you have felt it. I am pretty sure he will come round.

I was disappointed when o found out that DC1 was going to be a boy. I'd only had experience of girls and I'd always imagined myself having a girl. It took me a week or so to come around to the idea of having a boy. I did a lot of reading and soul-searching to be happy with it. Once I'd had some time to process it all I was really excited about having a boy. He is now 5 and I love him to bits and wouldn't change him for the world (except when he wakes me up by farting in my face )

It is a really strange feeling knowing you should love and want a child whatever sex they are, but also wishing they were the other sex. I felt guilt at not wanting DS to be a boy, disappointment that I wasn't having a girl and also having to change my whole imagination of how I though life would be (different colour nursery, different clothes...). It was a very confusing couple of weeks.

By the next scan I was super-excited to be having a boy and by the time he was in my arms I wouldn't have cared if he'd had two heads I loved him so fiercely!

DC2 is a girl, and I'm so happy that we have one of each, but by then I wouldn't have minded if she had been a boy. And now they're both here I don't love them any differently because of it. It turns out DS quite enjoys doing things I had thought of as 'girly' and DD, although always wanting to dress like a princess, loves getting messy and digging in the mud and generally creating chaos! She may look like a princess but she's a tomboy at heart.

I think it's a more common phenomenon than people talk about, and there is a lot of taboo around it. I didn't admit to anyone other than DH that I was disappointed. I talk openly about it now as I've realised that it's quite normal to take a bit of time to adjust to it being different to what you expected. I'm so glad I found out at the scan and could prepare myself before DS arrived. I can't imagine life any differently now