I want to tell family when baby has arrived but how do i ask them not to bother us

[Mumtoboy123]

My family have been quite intrusive and judgemental throughout my pregnancy (and before) so ive always felt strongly that i dont want to tell them when im in labour. Ive already had to send a group whatsapp message to ask them not to post about baby on social media after they started to plan how they would announce the birth online. They also all decided to announce my pregnancy online with 'jokes' such as "my sisters only gone and got herself upnthe duff" (ive been married for 2 years and this baby was very much wanted and worked for!) My mum has also dropped hints of being in the delivery room such as "well what if it goes on for a long time?" To which i replied that i had friends i would call.
When baby arrives, i want to tell them but i just know they will either ignore our requests and start sharing any pictures i send or they will bombard me with calls and messages wanting to know anything and everything.
In a dream world i would have the baby, get home and settled and then tell them and if that takes 5 days then so be it. But ive been told thats a bit harsh!
Just interested to know if anyone else has had a similar experience of being anxious of familys behaviour when baby arrives?
So far, the plan is to send a pic with his name, weight and birth date and time to the family group chat, followed by a message along the lines of "we know everyones excited but no where near as much as us. Please dont share this news elsewhere and let us do the sharing. Mum and dad you can tell family if needs be but we dont want anything public on fb. Please dont call us as we wont answer. We only get this time once and we want it as just the 3 of us at least until we are settled" but it just feels a bit mean! Any help appreciated!

Hi, hope you're doing ok? I can't offer a lot of advice but I do feel similarly. My family live in a different country, but it's my partners parents I'm concerned about. When his sister had her baby they were in the room for the whole of her labour and baby's birth, each to their own but I certainly wouldn't fancy it! They mean well but are very intrusive people. I've explained very clearly I just want my partner and necessary professionals in the room, if he needs to pop out during labour I'm happy to be left alone but they've insisted they'll wait in the waiting area and come in to see us once he's born. I'd rather they didn't, and just waited until we were settled at home but my partner won't explain this to them and I feel awkward saying it.
His sister would be likely to share on social media like you're worried your family would. I'm still trying to think of a nice way to ask her not to without making it too obvious how much I dislike her!
I would like it so much to be just the 3 of us but unfortunately my partner is very close to his family so I may just have to accept that they're excited for him & his son to be and therefore want to be involved.

I'm 35+2 with baby number 4 and i will be saying the same each previous birth i have had people announce on social media (first two times i didn't even have fb) 3rd time a pic of her (that was sent to immediate family) was on fb with name etc before we had the chance.. i hadn't even been on the ward 10 mins last time (had csec last time & hubby sent msg in recovery) and had visitors and then solid for about a week after... yet when others have had babies they have refused pics & visitors so they can bond!!! So this time we aren't going to allow people visits until our other three children have met him and wont be posting on social media till we decide! & even then I've said i don't want people turning up as and when they please as i want time with our children to bond and to recover! Do what's best for you but you do have to be blunt as they won't listen otherwise! Good luck x

Well... It doesn't sound to me like they will listen to you, does it? Having already announced your pregnancy online. I think within an hour of sending that message your phone will be going with congrats from your mum's friend Janet, your sister's best mate, etc.

I would send a message, no photo, then turn the phone off.

I have lost count of the times I've seen people do this.

If you can't trust them, my advice would be not to send any pictures, news, or names until you are pretty much ready to put it on FB yourself.

Also, I would turn off the feature that lets other people tag you/ post on your wall on FB. That way, if they do blab, it won't come up on your profile.

I wouldn't say 'Please don't call us as we won't answer', that sounds a bit like it could get someone's back up.. instead maybe say.. 'we're going to turn our phones off for a few days, so we'll catch up with you all as soon as we've had some rest'.

Mute all the group chats etc in WhatsApp so you aren't bothered by the noise.

Your partner should also be with you on this -- mine essentially filtered my calls for a week or so and that helped enormously.

Thanks all! hammeringmyheadin youve got it spot on, i know thats exactky what will happen!
Daisy2990 hubby had the same idea of filtering calls, im defo on board with it. Youre wording is a lot better than mine so i'll be saving that for the message!

Am i being mean by not sending a pic? I dont really want to because i know that no matter what i say that pic will go 'family and friend viral' to people i have no idea about or dont speak to.

1. Tell people who won't blab as soon as the baby is born.
2. Invite a few family members to visit you in hospital. This should ensure these ones leave you alone for a week or so when you get out. Plus if they get too annoying hospital staff will help chuck them out.
3. Then put your phones on silent as per the hospital's overnight policy.
4. Leave your phones turned down/silent when you go home.
5. Try to get people to visit on week day evenings especially if they work by not being available on weekends. (I've had a postnatal appointment on a Saturday late morning which ended up being on Saturday afternoon. )
6. If people visit you who annoy you, go to bed with baby. Your OH will then have to entertain them.

The standard line is “we’ll let you know when we are ready for visitors”

Put your foot down!!! I'm 17 weeks and have decided not to announce it on social media yet.

My sisters are younger and were asking when they can put it on. I simply explained they have to respect that I haven't put it on and it's our news to tell and once we have they can share it. I've explained how I've gone through my own social media and deleted people I haven't spoken to in years so I don't want any old person seeing pictures of our baby.

My hormones have made into into a 'I don't give a 💩 person' and say it how it is.

They don't respect our decision then don't come and walk through our door again!

Once they know you're serious they should stop it. I don't know how you've kept your cool!

You aren’t mean for not sending a photo.

I think my Sister text our mum to say that she’d had the baby, but pics and a name were sent to us either later that day or the next day (depending on what time she had the baby)

I would just tell them the bare minimum to begin with, and then you can announce the name/photo to them LITERALLY right before you put it online yourself.

That way they technically know first, but you get to do the announcing x

Basically I think you'll have to accept that anything other than 100% what they want from you will annoy them - but they'll get over it and you may regret that less than you would letting them have their way!

Just don't send a photo - or better still come off Social Media altogether, it's not essential. I have never used FB or any of the other SM accounts in my life still manage to function perfectly well with a lovely circle of family and friends.

It would be a bit mean not to let your immediate family know that the baby has arrived safely, (and why not do it by old fashioned phone call?) and then just say something like 'I'll let you know when we are up to having visitors'.

I am so glad that when I had my DS I was over 200 miles from family - no one turned up unannounced, nobody in our immediate family uses Social Media - bliss.

I should have added remove yourself from WhatApp family and friends groups. There is no reason to be on them unless you want loads of annoying messages in general.

So we are leaving it a while before telling family she’s her. Mainly because we want time to recover and enjoy first. A text to my OH mum. OH’s father will find out a week later because they have previous on ignoring boundaries a note will be pinned to our front door saying that people can text OH to arrange a time to visit. Boundaries!!!!

I have a feeling my boyfriends parents are going to do the same. I have visions of his mum bursting in to the delivery room whilst I'm giving birth. I don't want anybody but my partner. She is going to be a nightmare when the baby is born, she's already started on her own nursery at her house.

I asked my sister not to put anything on Facebook about my pregnancy because we don't share private information on their and she hasn't so it might not be as bad as you think.

Families are just annoying unfortunately, they think they have a right to be intrusive.

I am that new mums don’t want to share joy with their families of the hopefully safe delivery of their babies.

Just wanted to let you all know that our baby (sex) arrived safely at X time at X weight. No name as yet (even if it's a lie).
We know everyones excited but no where near as much as us so please give us chance to announce our news on social media before you tell anyone. Mum and Dad you can tell family if needs be.
Obviously we're going to have our hands full so will be turning our phones off until we're settled but you message you to let you know we're home safe and when we're ready for visitors.

Then turn phone calls off. If you're home the same day I'd send one to let people know
We're home now safe, going to try and get some rest and settled, we'll speak to you in the next few days regarding visiting baby (name)

I just think this is so sad. Why don't people want their family and friends to share in the excitement and joy? Imagine how you would feel if you were on the receiving end of a "we've turned our phone off-you can visit at some unspecified time in the future by appointment only"

I would realise that perhaps sharing news of a pregnancy (and planning to do the same with the birth) against the wishes of the parents and being "intrusive and judgemental" has upset my daughter/sister more than I had realised.

Bertrand but you're assuming those family and friends are sensitive and caring. That they won't tut every time you get your best out to feed and tell you bottle is more reliable or tut when you get a bottle out and tell you breast is best. That they'll leave before your exhausted and flagging. That they won't sit there cuddling baby and expecting mum to wait on them. That they won't try and take the baby off parents and refuse to hand them back even when they cry. That they won't reak of cigarette smoke or be covered in pet hair. That they won't criticise everything parents do or dont do.

I imagine if these women had wonderful supportive families who respect their wishes then they will not be telling them to stay away.

What Sleeping said. There are a lot of families who just don't respect a new mum's boundaries and need for rest or the new parents' home even. Over the years I've had mates whose relatives have come over and hogged all the seats in the house, expecting the mother to sit on the floor, brought dogs over even when told not to, grabbed the baby and ordered the new folks to get in the kitchen and rustle them up a meal/cuppas/etc. and just generally treated them like shit.

Tell than your dates were wrong and your actually due 3 weeks later than you are. Then when you start txt saying surprise dh taking us away for a few days.

Just don't tell them when you're in labour. Let them know when your baby is born and restrict visits to grandparents who are likely to help with things like housework. Anyone else - not for a couple of weeks and then for no more than an hour. Nothing worse than having a roomful of people who come to look at your baby but end up drinking tea and talking endlessly amongst themselves. You need your rest.

Get your husband to support you and be in charge.

I’m with Bertrand I think it is sad to deny people happiness at the birth of your baby. Careful what you wish for, for they may decide not to take an interest after all.

To be honest user1457017537 they dont make an effort with me anyway, only for their own bennefit, hense me feeking this way. The key part of your comment is "the birth of your baby". Yes.. our baby, not theirs. I want to set the boundaries we want for the rest of his life at the first instance and I want to be nice about it but i know they will cross the line. Why should i give in to their wants rather than mine when im the one pushing a person out of my foof having grown a person for 9 months?