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Original poster

Advice needed! Pregnant again when my close friend is still TTC and about to start her first and only IVF try....

26 replies

Elmo311 · 09/09/2018 08:58

Hi everyone,
You all have been so great at giving me advice before so I'm wanting it again please! I'm sorry this post is a bit long!
Right, so my close friend of 15 years has been TTC for 4 years (ish) she has PCOS. Last year when i got pregnant i held off telling her until i was 12 weeks, i decided to tell her by text because i wanted her to be able to express her true emotions at the point of reading it, and for her to process and get back to me when she was ready.
She messaged me at that time saying she needed time, but would get back to me. It took a few months....she eventually called me and said when she read my text she broke down in tears, she was so sad it wasn't her, she was devastated BUT that she has had time and is now happy for me. She has met my son once since he was born, and she will occasionally ask about him. I feel that telling her by text then was the right thing to do...

Anyway, fast forward to now. My baby is 4 months old and i am currently 8 weeks pregnant. She is about to embark on her IVF journey after her holiday this month. She said that she would not tell anyone if it is successful until 12 weeks. My question is, how do i tell her again? Do i tell her now before she starts IVF? Or after? What if her IVF doesn't work ? :( i don't want to stress her out at such a fragile time. If i wait and see what happens i will be halfway through this pregnancy when she announces (that would be the best possible outcome)
I honesly feel like i am not enjoying this pregnancy with this cloud hanging over me. I feel guilty and i don't know what to do? I do not and will not expect her to be happy for me, i know she will be gutted. How can i tell her this time? Should i tell her partner and ask him what he thinks i should do? She has a closer friend than me who i could also reach out to, although in the long term i am not sure if she would appreciate being told by someone else close to her or not?

Sorry again for long post! Please help!

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 09/09/2018 09:01

Do you regularly see her? If not I just wouldn’t mention it at all. I kept my second successful pregnancy totally hidden from anyone who didn’t see me regularly as I was so terrified it was going to fail. I announced it on Facebook once the baby was born.

Original poster
Elmo311 · 09/09/2018 09:09

@SleepFreeZone i see her usually every 3 months or so as she works so much, but i have been avoiding her at the moment. I did consider what you said but i worry she'd be even more hurt that she didn't know? I feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place!

OP posts:
physicskate · 09/09/2018 09:15

I've been through ivf and the utter trauma that is infertility. It kinda ruined my life... my advice: Don't tell her until she's been through her cycle. It could lead to all sorts of feelings of 'why me' and 'this is doomed to fail.' Honestly, she needs to be incredibly selfish and focused on her for this moment.

Surely you could tell her before she announces, if she is that lucky - say 8 weeks after her cycle?

physicskate · 09/09/2018 09:16

And the hurt of knowing right now will likely outweigh the 'hurt' of not knowing.

SleepFreeZone · 09/09/2018 09:20

I wouldn’t want to be setting myself up to be the scapegoat if you told her before her IVF abd it subsequently failed. Just keep it to yourself for now and tell her when you absolutely have to.

SleepFreeZone · 09/09/2018 09:22

Oh and also with all my losses I had this weird thing at the time with a couple of people that got pregnant at the same time, that their baby should have been mine. I had to unfollow them on Facebook as it was really ducking with my head.

SleepFreeZone · 09/09/2018 09:22
  • fucking
Original poster
Elmo311 · 09/09/2018 09:31

@physicskate i think you are right. The problem is that she is not telling anyone when it actually starts, so i won't know when the 'right' time to say anything is.....
I want her to just concentrate on herself and i want this to be successful so badly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elmo311 · 09/09/2018 09:32

@SleepFreeZone i will keep my mouth shut. I am just worried about her evenutally finding out through the grapevine although i will keep it off social media for the time being.
Thank you for your advice and experience

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PurpleDaisies · 09/09/2018 09:41

Are you telling other friends?

I actually disagree with everyone, I think you’re better telling her sooner rather than later. Trying to judge it around an IVF cycle that’s quite likely not to be successful is going to be very difficult. Your pregnancy honestly won’t affect her chances of success.

Please try not to feel guilty or let it affect your happiness. You sound like a lovely friend. Flowers

SleepFreeZone · 09/09/2018 09:43

Elmo even if she did find out through the grapevine, it will be obvious why you didn’t say anything during her IVF and I’m abdolutrly sure she wouldn’t judge you badly for it.

PurpleDaisies · 09/09/2018 09:44

She won’t judge, but it’s absolutely horrible being left out of things because of infertility. It just makes you feel more isolated.

Original poster
Elmo311 · 09/09/2018 09:55

@PurpleDaisies
Thank you, i am trying to be a considerate friend and do the right thing by her.
I actually find myself so distressed thinking about telling her that i wish it was her instead of me...and then i feel bad for the baby growing inside me :(
I don't want to leave her out but i already feel like she distances herself from my firstborn. I can only imagine how hard it must be, but that's the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elmo311 · 09/09/2018 09:56

@SleepFreeZone i hope you're right!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 09/09/2018 09:58

If you don’t want to leave her out, the best thing is to text her when you start telling other friends. You did it exactly right last time. Flowers

physicskate · 09/09/2018 09:59

But it could also very easily lead to feelings of failure on her part right before she needs to be hopeful. Obviously these feelings are not Elmo's fault or responsibility, but I definitely didn't need any news before my cycle... I isolated myself on purpose and tried to focus on my health and well-being. But yes, I am a selfish cow.

I'm only now getting back in touch with friends and it's 14 weeks since my (so far successful, by some miracle) cycle started...

But that's just me!! Everyone is different. I could see your point about her feeling more isolated!

PurpleDaisies · 09/09/2018 10:00

But it could also very easily lead to feelings of failure on her part right before she needs to be hopeful.

Being hopeful doesn’t positively or negatively affect how successful IVF is. She’ll have to find out at some point, and if he cycle fails it would be miles worse to get the news then.

PurpleDaisies · 09/09/2018 10:02

Forgot to say, congratulations on your successful cycle physicskate.

There’s no absolute right or wrong to this op. Try not to worry too much. Your heart is in the right place.

physicskate · 09/09/2018 10:05

Thanks and completely agreed with everything purpledaisies has said. Whatever happens, feelings are high with infertility and your patience and understanding shows what a good friend you are!!

MaryBoBary · 09/09/2018 10:08

Why don’t you treat her to a good luck present? Maybe just a bunch of flowers, maybe take her out for a meal. That way she will know that you fully support her and want this to work for her. Hopefully that will help ease any negative feelings she has when you do tell her you’re pregnant (congratulations!).

Original poster
Elmo311 · 09/09/2018 10:09

Thanks everyone. We have told a couple of close friends but as it is still early days in this pregnancy, and i could miscarry, we haven't said much to people yet.

I feel you all have very valid points and i have a lot to consider.

Congratulations @PhysicsKate, that is wonderful news :)

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 09/09/2018 10:25

I wouldn’t take her out for a meal. She’ll guess you’re pregnant or work out later you would have known when you saw her. That will make it harder for her.

RedPandaFluff · 09/09/2018 10:27

Hi Elmo - speaking as an infertile woman who has had a failed cycle of IVF with two close friends who got pregnant at this time, I think you should tell her.

You're right, she'll be devastated. Probably jealous and angry too. But, friendship works both ways, and she has to understand the position you're in, that you're a good friend and don't want to hurt her.

I've just had a FET cycle (waiting to find out if it's worked) and I had to go to a baby shower last night where three of the pregnant women just talked about pregnancy and babies non-stop. It was AGONY. But it's life. You just have to cope. I'm not going to kill other peoples' happiness - I'm going to grit my teeth and smile.

You're clearly a lovely, kind, considerate friend Thanks

Original poster
Elmo311 · 09/09/2018 10:33

@MaryBoBary i wish i could go out for dinner! I'm currently suffering with all day sickness for the last 2 weeks and have already lost a lot of weight, the thought of going out to eat kills me. But i could definitely send her a gift!

OP posts:
Original poster
Elmo311 · 09/09/2018 10:49

@RedPandaFluff thank you...i am really trying to be a good friend here. I do want to tell her. I'm just worried about stressing her out right before IVF ?
Sorry to hear about your IVF attempt:( I wish i knew what to say to make things 'better'.

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