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Original poster

Dilema- Mums a smoker and I don't want to take the baby round.

28 replies

Princesspowersparkle · 08/06/2007 02:21

Hi Girls- I know this is a very contraversial subject and everyone will have different opinions on it but I need a solution to my dilema.
My mum is a very heavy smoker. For the last couple of years she has had several unsucessful attempts at giving up. Each time she has started back again she has blamed something thats gone on- my brother going into hospital etc.
For years and years I have been trying to get her to give up. I know its her choice and I don't push her or pressure her, she just knows I'd be happier if she didn't smoked as she would be healthier. When we told my parents we were expecting, one of the first things she said was she promised she'd give up smoking\as she she didn't want to be a nanny that smoked. I was very proud of her and even more proud when she started acupuncture to help her. It showed me how serious she was. However, after a bad session of accupuncture she started again and since then doesn't seem to have made any effort to stop. She still smokes in the house even though she is the only smoker (my dad gave up over 2 years ago now).
I am getting worried as I only have 6 weeks left and there is no sign of her giving up. From my point of view I don't want to take my child round to a smokey house and have said that if she is still smoking when the baby is born she will have to see it round ours as I will not take it to theirs. As there is such a short time left I want to broach the subject sooner rather than later with her. I know it is her choice to smoke, but in the same breath its my choice whether I want my child in that atmosphere.
What I am asking is how would you talk to her? I spoke to my dad about it today and he can see my point and said he will have a word with her, but she is very defensive and gets like it very quickly if she thinks you are 'picking on her'. I think it would be best if I spoke to her- its my issue and its not fair to my dad to fall out with her over something that is my choice (of course he wants her to give up too).
The reason this is so hard is because I love my mum so much, and to tell her we will not bring her grandchild round if she is still smoking- regardless of whether she does it when the baby is there or not- will kill me, but I'm going to be a mum too and my number one priority is going to be my baby.
I know that saying something to her will probably mean we fall out in the short term, but that is something I am willing to risk if we can sort something out in the long term. I also know that I can not imagine how hard ir must be to give up something you have ben doing for nearly 30 yrs.
I konw some of you will think I have no right to ask this from my mum and I respect your opinions, but this is how I feel so please don't come and have a go at me- the whole situation is making me really stressed out, upset and sad
thank you for taking the time to read this- I know its an essay but I hope someone will be able to help.
PPS(34 weeks today) XXX

OP posts:

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SofiaAmes · 08/06/2007 03:46

Oh you poor thing. You are of course right, because it really is a health issue and not just you being difficult. And it seems like you are approaching it in just the right way. Don't forget how hard it is to give up smoking (more addictive than heroin). It sounds like your mother really is trying. Why don't you suggest that since she can't give up smoking (make sure you give her lots of credit for the number of times that she has tried) that she at least gives up smoking in the house so that it will be healthy for you and your baby to visit. That gives her a way to at least try something different and make a move towards doing the right thing without feeling like she's being nagged by her daughter. Also, I think I read recently that there is some new, very effective drug that doesn't contain nicotine that has just been approved for use on the nhs for giving up smoking (maybe in anticipation of the smoking ban).

Also, you will feel much more able to make non-emotional decisions and have discussions without bursting into tears once the baby is born. I remember once calling my dh from the supermarket while I was pregnant with my first. He was beside himself because I was crying hysterically....untill he figured out that the cause of my tears was because I couldn't decide whether to buy brown bread or white.

Jossiejump · 08/06/2007 06:29

My solution is that my parents don't smoke in my house, when DS1 & 2 are in my parents house, my parents somke outside-not ideal, but the nearest to a compromise that I could get

CristinaTheAstonishing · 08/06/2007 06:36

My FIL is a chain-smoker and makes no effort at all when we take DCs round. We visit very rarely, though, due to distance mainly. When I take them round and he starts smoking I take them to another room - where the walls are yellow from smoke but at least he doesn't smoke in their faces. It's much more difficult in your case because you have such a good relationship with your mum. Perhpas make them very short visits and just ask her not to smoke inside while you're there.

KTeePee · 08/06/2007 07:45

Maybe suggest to her that as she is finding it hard to give up smoking she starts going outside now whenever she needs to smoke - that way her house will be nice and smoke-fre when you bring the baby around to visit and your dad won't be exposed to the risks of pasive smoking either....

beansprout · 08/06/2007 07:56

You don't have to take the baby round. She smokes and babies should not be exposed to that. The smoking outside is the only option if she is not going to give up. You don't have to apologise for protecting your baby!

InternationalMouseOfMystery · 08/06/2007 08:07

don't beat yourself up and i very much doubt anyone's going to have a go at you

you say it's your issue, but to me it's more a common sense decision that many of us would come to. you're right to say you have to put your baby first - you wouldn't smoke around him/her and it's fair to expect his/her family to respect that and do the same

can you not run through exactly what you've said here? you've been considered and generous in what you've written, and if you go through the same points i can't see how she could possibly have a problem with it

good luck
tutter (34 weeks on sunday )

3sEnough · 08/06/2007 08:08

I would not pussyfoot round the issue - not when your child's health is at risk (never mind yours!) I would sit her down and introduce it with "you may not like what going I'm going to say but you need to hear it". Then give the rules that are satisfactory to you - smoking (if she won't give up) outside only, not going inside her house with baby etc, etc. Whatever you decide. Really, really difficult but the ground rules need to be stated factually and without emotional involvement. THEN you can talk about it - hopefully calmly. Good luck!

Tinkjon · 08/06/2007 08:47

Princess, I really feel for you, what a horrid situation Firstly you should absolutely NOT feel guilty or bad about this - you are absolutely doing the right thing by refusing to take your baby round to her house whilst she's still smoking. Even if she doesn't smoke whilst you're there, it will still be hanging in the air and your baby will still be breathing it in. What I'd do is to blame it on my midwife/GP/health visitor - make up a white lie, like you've been asked to fill in a health form. You had to note down that your mum smoked and the GP said that you wouldn't be able to take the baby round there if that were the case, or something like that - that's just off the top of my head though, you could come up with something more believable than that I think as long as you phrase it like 'you are really sad that you won't be able to come round', rather than 'I am refusing to come round' then you should be fine. I'm sure that your mum will put her grandchild's health first and be understanding. Good luck!

marieg76 · 08/06/2007 09:20

Hi Princess, I think that you can see that pretty much every one agrees with the stance you are planning to take. My father and stepmum smoke and there is absolutely no way that I would take my baby to their house. My father knows full well that I strongly disapprove of smoking anyway (my stepmum nearly died of smoking-induced pneumonia a couple of years ago. Whilst in a coma, she went through the withdrawal and lost a third of her bodyweight. As soon as she was better, she started smoking again...)

BrothelSprouts · 08/06/2007 09:24

I think it is irrelevant if your mother gets defensive about the situation.
You cannot let your baby be in a smoky atmosphere.
It is up to your mother to decide whether smoking is more important than seeing her grandchild.
Obviously you need to phrase this in a tactful way, but really, there is no need for you to take on any guilty feelings about it.
It is your responsibility to protect your child.
You don't have a right to insist she stops smoking, but you do have a right to insist that unless she does, she can't be in the same place at the same time as her grandchild.

Hersetta · 08/06/2007 09:26

I difficult one for sure - would she not be prepared to smoke outside (even in her own home) whilst you and the baby visit.

That's what my Mum does and i haven't even had the baby yet - am 29 weeks. She was very sweet. When i told her i was pregnant she stopped smoking around me (without being asked) and goes out on her patio to have a fag so I have no fear that she will be smoking around the baby. Think it's because she's desparate for her first grandchild - she'd given up hope i think as I am 37 and her only child so she was so happy I was pregant she wasn't going to do anything to jeopardise the baby.

flamingtoaster · 08/06/2007 09:31

I know the difficulty. I had to stay with my in-laws from when the children were babies as they lived 500 miles away and MIL became too frail to travel. She smoked but when we stayed she never smoked in the same room as the children (in fact she only smoked in one room) - and she did tell them, when they were older, it was a bad habit, in fact my niece on one occasion when MIL got up to leave the room asked, "are you going to have a bad habit?" The house was not a "smokey" house given that she only smoked in one room so if MIL in law doesn't want to go outside you could suggest she confines it to one room now (with the door closed) so the rest of the house would have a chance to recover before LO arrives. As a mother herself she should totally understand your concerns - hope she does.

Original poster

Princesspowersparkle · 08/06/2007 09:49

Thank you all so much- you made me cry but in a good way because now I know I'm not being evil or unreasonable! I think I'm going to take all your advise and go and talk to her- I will be blunt but complimentary about what shes done in the past and see where to go from there. Maybe I'm getting myself wound up and worried for nothing and she will be fine with it. I think I will do it today as I will be stewing about it otherwise until I get the chance to.
Thank you again girls- I really appreciate your support. I will let you know how it goes.
PPS (34 weeks) XXX

OP posts:

naturelover · 08/06/2007 10:06

I have a similar dilemma regarding my in-laws who we'll be visiting when our baby is six months old. Because they are overseas we stay with them for 2-3 weeks at a time once a year and there will be chain smoking in their house. Their attitude is that their kids are OK and grew up in a smoky house (in fact his mum and mine both smoked while pregnant!) And it's true that we survived... but I'm VERY concerned about cot death. I don't enjoy breathing smoke for my entire "holiday" either, and always catch colds and have sore throats afterwards.

I figure since it's my ILs then perhaps DH should talk to them, but I have a feeling he may be as gung-ho about it as they are. I despise being made to feel like a neurotic worrier but I really don't want to expose my baby or myself to so much cigarette smoke.

nappyaddict · 08/06/2007 11:01

smoke stays in the air for more than 4 hours so i would say she either smokes outside or smokes in one room where the door is always kept shut.

mumto3girls · 08/06/2007 11:07

I'm sure your mum will be fine. NOONE is allowed to smoke in our house and when visiting any family members its agreed that they will not smoke in their own homes whilst my dc are there!

If anyone objected (which they don't even when it's freezing or raining) I would simply leave and they know that.

Furrymummy · 08/06/2007 11:21

I too have similar dilemma, my dad and stepmum both smoke, they live abroad so won't see them often but will be expected to stay with them with baby, however they were good about not smoking near me when I visited recently.
More of a problem is dss's mummy, she smokes like a chimney (has tried giving up several times but is too stressed doing her Masters atm) she has very kindly offered to babysit when baby is born if we want to visit our friends who live in the next town (we live 100 miles from her), but although I know she doesn't smoke around dss, her house still smells (she restricts herself to smoking in the lounge).
I get on really well with dss's mummy but would struggle to find a tactful way to say to her that I'm not happy about her smoking in the house while the baby is there - I couldn't help but feel a bit cheeky! Especially as she is under no obligation to babysit anyway!

mumto3girls · 08/06/2007 11:25

Just hand her a leaflet about cot death with the smoking bit underlined. Message received over and out.

Original poster

Princesspowersparkle · 08/06/2007 16:59

Hi Girls- just wanted to give you an update. Spoke to her this afternoon and she saw how upset it made me. Within 2 minutes she said 'right- once I've finished this packet then thats it. I am giving up.' She then went upstairs and found the leftover patches she had last time and got them ready for her to start (ie in the morning).
Thank you all so much for your support. I am so proud of my mum.
Love PPS XXXX

OP posts:

fireflyfairy2 · 08/06/2007 17:04

Awwww your mum's a gem

BrothelSprouts · 08/06/2007 17:04

Original poster

Princesspowersparkle · 08/06/2007 17:05

She certainlt is FFF2. I think her seeing how upset it was making me gave her the kick she needed. x

OP posts:

RGPargy · 08/06/2007 17:06

Brilliant news, PPS!!

mumto3girls · 08/06/2007 17:07

Good on your mum. Lets hope she can keep it up this time, she has a great incentive!!!

beansprout · 08/06/2007 17:10

That's fantastic! Good luck to her!!

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