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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant and OH doesn't want it

42 replies

HELP1980 · 04/09/2018 17:29

Don't really know why I'm posting here, just feel so alone.
Sorry for the long thread just need someone to talk to!

I'm 12 weeks pregnant had my scan today and all is fine.
My partner wasn't happy at all about the pregnancy (it wasn't planned). He's been drinking every night and hardly eating since I found out.
He's now saying he doesn't want this baby at all, the thought and scan pictures make his stomach turn.
He said I have ruined his life by wanting to keep the baby.
He's also told me he's had thoughts that he wanted to end his life cos he can't cope.
He said he's in the biggest depression of his life and doesn't know how he can carry on.

I really don't know what to do, I feel so hurt, lost and alone. I can't believe he is being like this. We have been together 13 years. Why has he not broken up with me before he he feels this low about commitment with me!
He doesn't speak to me, just yes no answers. I don't know what to do I honestly don't.
There is no way I will terminate and he knows this.
When the midwife said all was good today at the scan I saw his face drop!
Please what do I do??

OP posts:
Celebelly · 04/09/2018 17:42

I think you approach your pregnancy and the future with the expectation you will be a single parent. He's making his feelings very clear so you have to put yourself and the baby first. I'm not sure there's really a way back for your relationship with what he has said and how strongly he feels (to the extent of apparently hoping there is something wrong with the baby).

It sounds like he might have some mental health issues too.

vanillapieandicecream · 04/09/2018 17:44

I'm sorry OP. Hugs.

vanillapieandicecream · 04/09/2018 17:45

Oops, posted too soon.

Why does he not want the baby? Does he love you? Could it be that he is very scared?

YeTalkShiteHen · 04/09/2018 17:47

Oh OP I’m sorry such a happy time is being made so difficult Flowers

Congratulations on your happy news!

XHs exact words were when I told him I was pregnant “what the fuck did you fuck it all up for?”

It’s been 11 years and he does less than anything that could be described as parenting. He “babysits” (court ordered) EOW but fuck all else.

If I knew then what I know now?

I’d still have had DS1, not his fault his so called father is a dick and I wouldn’t change him for the world.

Are you in a position to go it alone?

Standbyyourmammaryglands · 04/09/2018 17:47

Vanilla, get rid of him he will drain you. Why is he still hanging around ? To make you feel guilty.

Baby is coming and you have more than enough to be getting on with than this idiot.

I raised dd1 by myself, it’s tough but well worth it.

Dig deep love and get rid of him and start looking the future with the little one.

lucy19977 · 04/09/2018 17:50

This is such a difficult situation to be in, I'm 22 weeks pregnant now and a similar thing happened to me.

So long story short my ex was fine with the baby and after speaking with his family decided it was life ruining and I was trapping him and a whole lot of other rubbish (this was around the 12 week mark) and he did not even attend my first scan.

He spent weeks after going out all the time and being pretty dry with me and it made me feel awful, he also suggested I terminate the baby because his sister said it was not too late...

He then decided he did not want to be with me at around 18 weeks and a month on I no longer cry over all the nasty things he done and I'm slowly starting to feel like a new person because I don't have to worry about him only me and my baby. The only thing was I wish I realised sooner what a d*ck he was and got rid. I think I managed to start feeling better because of my family and friends being so amazing.

I really hope you manage to work through it together and if not it's his loss and you will be an amazing strong mum to your little one xxx

Original poster
HELP1980 · 04/09/2018 17:52

Thanks for your replies.

Before all this he was always telling me he loves me and couldn't imagine life without me.
We just never had any commitments together!
He has his house I have mine. He lives at mine though.

Think the thought of commitment scares him. Or I'm just not good enough to commit to!

He said he never wanted children, the thought of having a child scares the hell out of him.
He says he will have no life now!
Not that he did anything anyway!

I have a 14 year old child from previous relationship and he adores him and they get on so well. So don't understand!

I know I will manage alone, I've brought 1 child up alone.

Just can't understand how he's changed so much!

OP posts:
crazydoglady6867 · 04/09/2018 17:54

I don’t think it makes your OH a dick because he doesn’t want to be a dad. Did he voice this opinion before the pregnancy, were you aware he felt like this, if so and you want to keep your baby you need to let him go. If he didn’t tell you, why, how come you haven’t discussed this in 13 years if I felt that strongly about something I would make sure my OH knew it. I think you have to make a choice here, if you want children then you absolutely need to let your DP take leave and find himself somewhere else to live if you are happy in a childless relationship then you need to think about a termination. Neither of these are easy decisions to have to make, but make them you will have to do.

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 17:56

How did you end up pregnant? Not judging, I know contraception isn’t always effective.

You’re in this alone I think. But like you said, you’ve done it once. You can’t make him any a baby he never wanted. You can make him take responsibility for the child, financially at the very least.

Original poster
HELP1980 · 04/09/2018 18:01

He's always known I'd like another child and he's always said to me that one day it will happen and that he also would like a child. Just never done anything about it (actively).

We don't use any contraception, I'm not on the pill and he knows I'm not. He doesn't use condoms we use the pull out method.

So if he really was that against having children then he should have used a condom or had the snip!

OP posts:
sirmione16 · 04/09/2018 18:05

I seriously don't think this is the time or place to have a "why did you get pregnant then?" Conversation.

It's about whether your OH needs some counselling or time, or whether it's a line crossed that neither of you can now fix.

What's your gut, OP?

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 18:05

He said he never wanted children, the thought of having a child scares the hell out of him.

Then:

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 18:05

He's always known I'd like another child and he's always said to me that one day it will happen and that he also would like a child. Just never done anything about it (actively).

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 18:06

So he’s just a big bloody liar, isn’t he?

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 18:08

I seriously don't think this is the time or place to have a "why did you get pregnant then?" Conversation.

I think it’s incredibly significant. If he was clear and op was unreliable with contraception then the advice is much different to this situation, where he casually dangled another child in front of op until it actually happened then showed his true colours.

sirmione16 · 04/09/2018 18:11

@NotTakenUsername but OP has stated he said "never" to children and they used "the pull out method" so they were not trying to get pregnant. So it's irrelevant. They're both responsible for the pregnancy happening - neither took any medical or physical protection. He knew the possibilities, as did she.

The baby is now 12 weeks, it's healthy and growing. She wants to keep it. It's a case now of does she want to do it with him? Does he want help coming round to the idea and could potentially be a father?

OP how long has he known you're pregnant?

sirmione16 · 04/09/2018 18:14

@NotTakenUsername @HELP1980

Actually, re reading - you state once he said never, and then you state he said one day it would happen.

Either he's in shock. Or he was giving you false hope just to keep you around and this is unworkable.

onetimeposter · 04/09/2018 18:18

Tbh i felt like this during 2 pregnancies. He isnt a twat, the lack of appetite and suicidal feelings are depression.

Original poster
HELP1980 · 04/09/2018 18:22

Yes i think he has strung me along.
He has always told me "one day we will" now he's saying he never wants children, now this has happened.

I do think he was saying it just to keep me sweet!

I found out when I was about 7 weeks, I told him at 8 weeks. I needed sometime to process the thought of it all myself before telling him. Also I was a little nervous about telling him.

I really really do want this baby, I also want him too.

I'm not sure whether he will come round to the idea or not, but I am prepared to do it alone if not.

Also what I don't understand is when I first told him he told his parents and all his friends!

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 04/09/2018 18:23

You know what? It doesn't matter if he has depression over this. He is an adult, his health is his responsibility. It is not your job to sort out his mental health by having an abortion you do not want. He knew you were not on contraception, he chose to use an unreliable form of non-contraception. If you do not want to terminate, and from the sounds of it, you don't, then do not. How he feels is how he feels, what is not fine is for him to use emotional means to bully or coerce you into having a termination you do not want. End of. You don't want to terminate, so don't.

LeftRightCentre · 04/09/2018 18:25

Go it alone because what is being a twat is visiting his condition on you to try to coerce you into having a termination you don't want. That's not on. That's never on. It just isn't.

YeTalkShiteHen · 04/09/2018 18:27

If he was clear and op was unreliable with contraception

So it’s OPs responsibility to deal with contraception? Call me a cynic, but shouldn’t the person who adamantly doesn’t want children be sorting their own contraception?

CanuckBC · 04/09/2018 18:28

What an asshole. He doesn’t want the pregnancy yet knew you were not on birth control and didn’t do anything himself like use a condom or get the snip. Pull out method is not effective and the fact you haven’t gotten pregnant before this was lucky.

He needs to take responsibility for his part. You may not have been actively trying but you were not overtly preventing in either of your part. If he really does not want children he needs to take the step of getting the snip.

Tel him to man up. I would leave him in all honesty. It took two of you to make this baby. He knew the birth control situation and still chose to have sex with you knowing that anytime could result in a pregnancy. He was a willing participant.

His reaction is over the top and uncalled for.

Original poster
HELP1980 · 04/09/2018 18:32

It did happen before!

About 8 years ago I got pregnant!
He wanted me to terminate, saying he wasn't ready.
If I terminated then that would give us time to get an house together and try properly!
So I did.
That was the biggest mistake of my life!!

So yes it's happened before so he knows it could happen again.

Yet it's all my fault and I've ruined his life cos I won't terminate this one for him!!

OP posts:
sirmione16 · 04/09/2018 18:34

@LeftRightCentre OP has said from the start she wouldn't abort Hmm she'd go it alone.

I think it's odd too, OP that he told his friends and family right away.... somewhere maybe deep down he's proud?

I think perhaps he's in shock a little - maybe have a chat and discuss counselling? If he's open to it, it's a great start. If he's not, then follow your heart and do best by you and your children (does it sound odd being multiple ;) !! )

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