Talk to me about termination - support required

[ThrowThoseCurtainsWide]

I'm pregnant. Realised yesterday that I was a week or two late and my boobs hurt like crazy. Confirmed it today with a test. I know when it happened. I usually keep good track of my dates and make sure we don't DTD on any fertile days. I've not been well lately and clearly I must've messed up.

I have two beautiful DCs (5 & 4). I'm in a stable relationship with DH. However I have significant mental health difficulties. I'm just about to go back to work after being signed off Since June. My disability benefits have been stopped thanks to the stupid PIP system which means that we are totally skint.

I think having another baby right now may actually kill me. I have severe antenatal & postnatal depression with both DCs and I was hospitalised when my youngest was around 16months old. It's not fair on my current DCs if this makes me that ill again as they are old enough for it to really affect them. Being pregnant would also mean a change in my medication, last time my meds changed I had to be hospitalised to be closely monitored. Again, not fair on my current DCs.

Logically I can't continue with this pregnancy, but the thought of a termination terrifies me. I have no idea how to go about it, who to contact, what to do. I'm scared.

I haven't told DH yet. He's also been struggling with his MH and I don't want to make him worse. I will tell him, but I think I should get the termination booked first and then tell him.

I would really appreciate some advice and reassurance right now from anyone in the same position.

Did they call, OP? How did it go?

Sorry OP, I somehow missed your last post. Hope you get the next call soon.

I had one three weeks ago. Had to have a surgical because it took a while to get through the process so it was too late for a medical termination to be an option. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be (although I did have quite a bit of pain afterwards). When I woke up I felt relief and that was when I knew I’d done the right thing.

DD2 was only 4 months old when I conceived (while on the pill) and I just couldn’t imagine being pregnant again and giving birth so soon. I decided I had to put our two existing children first as a third at this point would have impacted on them both negitively. On top of that DH was diagnosed with a life-long medical condition at the start of the year, although it’s treatable it’s impacted our life and did help sway the decision.

Happy to discuss over private messaging if you want. One thing I did find was that making the appointments took longer than I thought, if I could have found a decent private options I’d have gone for it because once I had made the decision I just wanted it over with.

You're right Rain everything does seem to be taking a while to go through the consultation / booking process. It's making me anxious.

They recorded it as 'unable to cope emotionally with the pregnancy' as the legal reason for the termination. That annoyed me slightly, I feel belittled by that. To me, labelling serious Mental health conditions as 'not coping emotionally' is insensitive

I think the reasons might be standardised, a lot of it feels like a check box exercise. I went with Marie Stopes and found it all very much like a conveyor belt, but couldn’t fault the nurses I met during the process. It was all very unjudgemental which was one of my biggest concerns.

I’m sad if I think about it but I know that it was definitely the right choice. We weren’t ready for another one. One of the the things I’ve found difficult is that I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it and so DH is the only one who knows. I wish I had someone who knew what had happened.

Just talked to DH about it again. I do t think he'll ever understand why I live this thing inside me. And why I want to love it too. He doesn't get it. He doesn't see it as any different to an infected toenail that would need to be removed Anyway. We both agree on what we have to do, even if our reasons and justifications are different.

Suffered lots of pregnancy symptoms today. Sickness, tiredness, sore boobs, a weird sort of stretching / cramping feel in my uterus. That makes it hard to deal with

I've had a termination, for the right reasons for me, that was pre children. I can't imagine how confronting it must be to have one when you already have children. I suspect the reason your DH can't quite relate to how you feel is for the same reason is takes men longer to bond with their unborn babies. It's not happening to them as such and they don't feel the person growing in them. Doesn't mean he won't care about the impact to you though.

What I really wanted to say is how strong you come across in your posts. You might not feel strong but you have made an enormously difficult decision in impossible circumstances. Whatever decision you made would have been the right decision for you but you have made an incredibly selfless decision.

It's not a wonder you feel the way you feel but this will soon be over and you can focus on your family and all the things that are good in your life. If you are able then plan some nice things for yourself and try to keep life as light as possible for a while. Good luck with everything and I hope your return to work goes well.

Thank you Snoopy that means a lot. I'm not sure I feel very strong. The whole thing is very conflicting.

Work has been okay, but stressful and very tiring. It's a bit of a shock to the system after being off for nearly three months. The tiredness is crushing though. I'm not sure how much is work and how much is early pregnancy exhaustion, but it sucks.

Talked again to DH today. Turns out he does care, just didn't want to admit that he does. He is going to come with me. I got the call back today - clinic next Tuesday at 10:30. It will take an hour and a half. I can have both tablets in one go and someone needs to drive me home. Then I guess we go home and wait for it to pass. How long does it take afterwords for the miscarriage to start happening?

So the cramps I've been having all day are getting worse this evening. Low down on the right hand side of my abdomen. I'm going to take pain killers for tonight, but if they're still the same tomorrow I'm going to have to go to A&E aren't I? All this heartache and it might turn out to be ectopic anyway

I don't have any advice more to say how amazing you are and how hard this decision must have been for you. Thinking of you

Hi OP, I've read everything you have written and I really feel for you.

My Mum had severe mental health issues at one stage and was also hospitalised, I wound never belittle mental health issues. My concern is that you are attached and so conflicted about the baby....

How strange would it be to name this foetus

I can't help becoming attached to this tiny thing inside me.

it would be a much loved and wanted baby. It still is a much wanted baby

I love this thing inside me. And why I want to love it too

You said that you have discussed things with your early support worker and you have both said that there is no 'right' choice here and that there will be emotional fallout whatever happens.With this in mind have you discussed the support available if you did go ahead with the pregnancy? On another thread a few days ago a women had considered termination as her first pregnancy and birth were very difficult medically, she went ahead and this time around things were much smoother as she knew what had happened before and had support and a plan in place. If you can't get an appointment with your GP could you even request that they ring you to discuss your medication options and what their approach would be.

There is no way of knowing that you would cope better with the emotional fallout of aborting your baby better than having the baby.

I had a MC in March and it crushed me. I suffer from terrible guilt, even though everyone tells me that it's not my fault. My due date would have been in October and I'm dreading it. Seeing heavily pregnant women is very difficult and I'm worried that every Christmas I will think there should be one more DC running towards the Christmas tree.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

I think my worry about keeping the baby is that the emotional fallout would last so much longer. After DD I had crushing depression for 2 years and DH has told me since then how hard it was for him to see me like that and to keep the family going. There will be fallout whatever, but not going ahead with it is the lesser of two evils.

I've sort of processed it that I know I'm not continuing with this pregnancy, this ball of cells won't be around for long. This is the only time o will be pregnant again. So I will love this DC for the time that I can.

One-sided cramps are still here this morning, but not as bad as they were last night. I'm seeing my early help

I'm seeing my early help worker this morning, so I'll talk things over a bit more with her today.

I don’t mean this to sound insensitive but why aren’t you on contraception? Proper contraception not just date tracking which has a much higher failure rate than other forms? (Hence the situation you’re currently in).

I suffered with mental health and an eating condition years ago but now recovered. Despite hormonal contraception disagreeing with me and making me feel pants I had it constantly back then as I knew having a child was a no go and it felt irresponsible not to.

Going through a termination/ multiple if you keep relying on non reliable contraception won’t help your mental health so you’re setting yourself up to fail.

I think for your future mental health you’d be helping yourself to ensure you don’t land in this position again xx

@MeteorGarden rtft, one of them is getting their tubes tied after this. Coming on and accusing op of being irresponsible regarding contraception isn't going to help just make her feel even more like shit.

OP I had a termination a year before I had ds, also because of mental health issues, as well as a lack of stability. For me the decision was a no brainer but it does still haunt me now, even though it was the right thing to do at the time.

I can't even begin to imagine the heartache this must be causing you. Pp are right, you are doing something very brave here in putting the well-being of your existing dc before your desire to keep this one.

for you and keep your chin up, keep talking here if you need to

Meteor I have tried the pill & the mirena but they really affect my mood. It's not something I can 'just get on with'. Last time I was hospitalised I think the hormones from the mirena were a contributing factor, and it actually expelled itself a few weeks after. I felt a lot better almost instantly. Up until a few months ago I had a copper coil fitted and that was working really well. Unfortunately that shifted and expelled itself too. I am very prone to UTIs and have kidney problems so am unable to use a diaphram. There is no form of contraception that I can use. Yes yes could have used ondoms, but frankly we haven't used them for so long that we didn't have any. Date trackin has been an interim until I sort out something more permanent.

However, that in itself is a hard emotional decision that, until this pregnancy, I haven't been able to make

Still in pain. Go to to the local shopping centre with the DCs as DH's phone is broken. Last place I want to be!! It's hot and noisy and really bright. I just want to be curled up asleep somewhere

@ThrowThoseCurtains

I want to be clear, I wasn’t intending to be critical, what I said came from a place of empathy and please don’t feel you need to explain yourself to me. I understand what it’s like to suffer with mental health and I wanted to encourage you to prevent this from happening again as multiple unplanned pregnancies/ terminations will badly distrust your emotional stability.

I hope it gets better for you xx

Meteor that's okay. And don't worry, I'm definitely not going to let this happen again.

I so feel for you I have had two terminations.. One when I was 18 and the other when I was 25. I'm 28 now. Both times I wasn't mentally or financially capable. I didn't want children back then either so I guess it was mentally easier to deal with. I have kind of shut myself off from feeling anything towards those situations... Very occasionally I will wonder what life would be like if I had kept them but I feel so removed from it all I've never seemed to get too upset about it. I suppose once I do actually have a baby I will feel more emotional about it but I don't regret doing it. The decision were right for the times. I think it's one of those things only yourself deep down knows what to do. Your gut instinct is usually the one to follow.
I had the pill termination. The first was very painful. But the painkillers sent to me to sleep nicely.. The second I was expecting the awful pain again but strangely enough it wasnt as bad. Just like bad period cramps really.

Thanks Cuckoo, for some reason I've only just seen your reply. I'm 28 now too. I'm not too worried about pain, I've got a pretty good threshold. I think I have to provide my own painkillers, but I have prescription strength cocodamol at home so that will be fine.

How long did things take to happen? When I go to the clinic I've got to take the first tablet there, then I'm going to be given the pessary to use at home. Either 24 or 28 hrs later, I'm not sure when until I get there. How long after the 2nd tablet do things start to happen? Does bleeding start after the first one? I have a consultant appointment and 2hr drive to make the day after my clinic appointment. I'm planning on taking the pessary when I get home from that.

I think the crampy pain might have been constipation-related I made us a bean chilli last night and it's had a bit of a laxative effect on DH and I Although literally as I typed that I got another wave of the pain. Maybe it's psychological?

Early help worker was trying to be very diplomatic about whether I should get checked out or not. Her worry was that I might go and see a scan / hear a heartbeat and that would make things harder for me. There's also the potential that I'm 4 weeks further along than I thought, although I think that's unlikely. On the other hand, what if it is Ectopic and ruptured and that in itself causes more distress for my DCs.

I'm wondering whether I should call the 24hr termination advice line to talk about what I should do

I had a termination when I was 19. It is completely emotionally and mentally draining. I didn't have family support because they didn't know, still don't know about it now. It got to me really badly but when I remember I did it for my own reasons and if I hadn't I wouldn't be where I am now, I know I couldn't have supported that baby well at all and the Dad was a dick! You have to do what is best for yourself. You might beat yourself up about it for a long time but you just have to remember the reasons and that it was for good reasons you did/do it. Go to your GP. They can refer you to women's centre/hospital and they will send you an appointment. Take care x

Thanks Emma. I'm confident that my decision is the right one, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Pain is back, I've called 111 and I'm waiting for a call back

Hi how did you get on with the aftermath of your termination?
I had a termination 10 weeks ago. I have 3 chileren and im 27.
I have struggled tremedously since with guilt and shame. And completley hatred towards myself.
It was such a bad time for me.
Im a stay at home mum and 2 of my children have heart conditions my youngest who is 2 has a very rare complex heart condition and has to have open heart surgeries throughtout his life. His first one was when he was 3 weeks old and being in hospital and away feom my other 2 children for weeks completley broke me.
He is maybe due his 2nd open heart surgery this year. My risk of having another child with a heart condition was increased due to my other 2.
Not only that me and my long term partner were at a bad point in our relationship i get very ill in my pregnancys so to not be in a good place and be ill looking after 3 children with the anxiety and worries over something being wrong and being in hospital just was very over whelming for me at that point.
I think i am an evil horrible person and mum and i dont ever deserve any happiness. I dont understand now why i didnt find the strength to continue because thata what i should have done. I convinced myself i wasnt being a bad person and i am so angry that i didnt be a better person. I am struggling alot.

@findinghappiness have you had counselling? You might be better off starting a thread of your own or people will respond to the op rather than spot your post x