Hating Myself So Much - Gender Disappointment

[Putiputi]

I am not sure how to deal with the hatred I have for myself now.
I am selfish and I know I will be roasted by comments on here and I deserve it.
I have a beautiful, wonderful and amazing 5 year old son. I love him more every day.
However.
Today I had my 20 week scan on my second baby.
The sonographer informed me that I am having another boy.
I am devastated. And YES I know I am totally wrong for feeling this way; that I have no right!
I am on my own and this is my last chance for a baby as I am 37, single...
I held a hope for my dream of a daughter as I was having the scan - during the 20 week scan on my 5 year old it was as clear as anything he was a boy! He was clearly proud of his parts and they were VERY obvious. I saw them before the sonographer said anything.
Today I couldn't see anything except a tiny nub.
I have to go back for another scan in 2 weeks as the sonographer couldn't properly see the cord insertion, heart, kidneys or spine base enough due to baby's position.
I am really struggling with my feelings. I am so awful. Everyone said they 'felt' I was having a girl and I admit I was convinced too. Didn't feel like a boy at all.
I usually get so excited to see my baby in a scan but feeling no enthusiasm for the rescan. I also have a 4d booked for later on. I am thinking of canceling.
I cannot believe how devastated I am.
I hate myself enough for everyone reading this.
I have literally no one to talk to so needed to just say it.
I'm sorry.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. You're not awful.

When he's here you'll love him just as much, you'd just convinced yourself it was a girl and likely need a few days to come round to the idea of another lovely baby boy.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP, please don't beat yourself up.

A anonymous Internet forum is exactly the right place to get these feelings out the way. You know you’re being daft and thats ok sometimes.

But just think about it a moment. What do you hope to get from a mother/daughter relationship, that you won’t get from a mother/son relationship? I bet when you think about it it’s superficial stuff or that bollocks ‘a daughter’s a daughter for life a son’s a son til he gets a wife.’ Not true. Old fashioned nonsense.

Honestly these feelings will pass. You'll have a lovely little baby boy and you’ll be his everything. You’ll be fine. Congratulations

This all happened today and you're probably still emotionally reeling from it, you had hopes crushed - over anything at all it's going to be upsetting when something doesn't work out the way we'd hoped - and if you'd hoped for a girl you're naturally going to be disappointed - please don't feel bad. But let yourself go through almost the stages of grief and acceptance. It's totally normal.

Soon you'll be able to focus on the fact you have a beautiful healthy pregnancy and soon to have 2 bundles of energy who will be as thick as thieves before you know it. Brothers share a unique, close knit bond - less so than different sex siblings imo, and think of your LO learning from his big brother, handing down toys, getting muddy together and maybe playing sports together.

This is why I never found out with any of mine. I knew I would never be disappointed in a real actual baby who was in my arms.

Anyway you don't really want a girl if it means losing this baby, I bet. Imagine if I came to you and offered to swap your new baby boy, once he is born, with a girl. Would you, really?

I didn’t find out the sex when I was pregnant and just had a feeling I was carrying a girl, had always imagined having a girl etc. Really surprised when he came out and was a boy!

There was this lovely feeling of the imaginary baby I’d clung to to keep me going through the tough road to pregnancy and then the tough road to birth disappearing and being replaced with someone warm and real and alive and already their own creature. It felt like waking up; something imaginary that had come from my own stressed-out hopeful brain disappearing, and meeting a whole person instead. I couldn’t have cared less whether his genitals matched my expectation once he was here.

Please don't feel bad. I don't care what anyone says, gender disappointment is real, and it doesn't mean that you won't love your new boy! I had it with my almost six year old, and I felt awful too, but I couldn't love him any more than I do, he's amazing, just as your DS is, and your new DS will be too

I found out today that I am pregnant with DC2, which has been a four year journey which ended up with me having IVF. I look back now and laugh at myself a little for how much I cared the first time, because this time all I want is a baby, as I was beginning to think we'd never get to this point! That said, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have a preference for a girl. I won't care either way, I know it will be fine, but I know I won't have any more children, and I would like a girl, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't!

Your DS will be lovely And you will get past this. Be kind to yourself, and don't let anyone make you feel bad!

i didnt find out sex of my second child until he was born, partly as i felt i might be disappointed to know if i was having another boy. I shamefully was a bit disappointed even when he was born, as i always wanted 'one of each'. Even though i loved him intensely, the sadness of knowing I'll never have a daughter lingered. However he's now 2 and i can honestly say it now feels 'right' to have 2 boys. Wouldnt have it any other way now. And i suspect you'll find the same.

I am ashamed to admit I felt like this. I had two boys and then found out I was very unexpectedly pregnant with my 3rd. I wasn't happy about the pregnancy and couldn't very excited or anything. I really hoped it was another boy as I believed it would be easier for the baby to fit in, and we could reuse what clothes etc we had left over etc. It didn't cross my mind it was a girl. When we found out it was a girl I felt even more worried and full of dread. I didn't want to buy lovely dresses or anything pink I just couldn't get along with the idea. But I honestly did love her instantly when she was born and she's a toddler now, I can't imagine feeling like I did. She's amazing, funny, feisty and clever.

You will feel differently when baby is born op, you will love him and look back and wonder why you felt like this, because he'll be beautiful and precious, and one day your big strong sons will both make you proud.

You’re not awful, but I don’t think it’s right to say you’re “devastated”. You don’t need to look far on this site to see pages of women who have suffered the most horrific losses, so while I don’t think you’re awful at all, gently you do need to get bit of perspective.

Babies are all individual regardless of their sex. You don’t love your current child because of his genitals and you won’t not love this one because of his. There is no reason you can’t have as good a relationship with sons as daughters. It’s all the gender stereotype crap that makes some women feel like this.

FWIW when I was pregnant with my second I thought I wanted a girl. Once he was born I realised I didn’t want a girl, I didn’t want a boy, I just wanted that baby I had in my arms. I’m all done now with 2 boys, but I’ve got no desire for a girl at all now and certainly don’t feel I’ve missed out.

I find out the gender (hopefully) on the 19th for my first and im so excited! But basically my entire family are convinced its a boy and tbh so am I, but ive had to stop referencing bump as "him and he" cause I KNOW theyll tell me and if its not what 'im prepared for' i already know ill be disappointed :/ I know ill love baby either way i just think its hard to not get excited and pin your hopes on an outcome that is, lets face it, totally out of our hands x

2 boys is lovely. I know parents often want one of each, but for the children i often think its nicer to have two the same sex.

This will honestly pass in a few days x

I have one of each. DD is honestly much harder work, and I don't think that's unusual. Also, the world needs good, well brought up boys who will do better for women than their fathers and grandfathers.

I understand your disappointment though.

for the children i often think its nicer to have two the same sex.

This! I’m one of a pair of sisters and I don’t know where I’d be without her. I’m sure I’d have loved a brother, but can’t imagine asking a sibling of the opposite sex to be my birth partner, or phoning them to hand-hold through relationship woes or scary gynae appointments during IVF or breastfeeding challenges. Being one of a ‘matching pair’ does automatically give you shared ground and understanding.

Anyway, hope you’re feeling a bit more settled this morning. You’re not a bad person and it’s wise and kind to work through your feelings now rather than bottling them up and then possibly having to go through this bit when your baby is here.

Bless you. You're grieving for the loss of a life you envisaged, which included a daughter. Let the emotions run their course for a couple of days, and then start to think about the wonderful little boy you are carrying, and to rebuild that picture of your life with two boys in it.

I am currently expecting my third boy, and having two boys has been wonderful, they are amazing friends, spend their time wrestling, playing paw patrol together, chasing each other around the house (and occasionally arguing, obviously!). You just need time to let go of the picture you had, and to build a new one.

When you are holding that new baby in your arms, you won't be disappointed.

I was very disappointed when I found out I wasn't having a girl. I've put it that way because on reflection I realise that what was disappointing was that I'd always imagined a girl and never contemplated a boy. I am an only child raised by a single mother who was an only child raised by a single mother so I realised my only frame of reference for having one child (which is what I expect) is for the child to be a girl. So it wasn't that I was disappointed he was a boy, but that my imagined scenario of a girl wasn't going to happen if that makes sense. I've now had several months of knowing he's a boy and I am still a little "ack I know nothing about boys!" but I'm seeing the positives and all the things I won't have to worry about with a girl.

Despite what the majority say, I think it’s quite normal to want to experience one of each. I had 2 boys, and was delighted with that as I think it’s great to have a sibling of the same sex. 3rd time round, they were desperate for a boy but EVERYONE said “oh, this’ll be your girl!” “Are you hoping for a girl”, all had “feelings” that this was “my girl”. To be honest, I was browsing girls clothes online, and knew what we would call a girl. At the 20 week scan, found out it was a boy. Obviously, the relief that everything looked fine was the main feeling, and the fact that DSs would be overjoyed helped, but it felt a wee bit flat announcing it to people somehow. LOADS responded with “oh.... never mind- as long as he’s healthy”, some went as far as to tell me “what a shame!”
I had a feeling that lasted for about a day where I almost felt like I had failed by not producing at least one of each, but that was honestly down to this weird pressure that other people seem to put on you to have “the perfect mix”. The bond between my boys is amazing to watch, and I’m so excited to see how it develops and grows when DS3 arrives in a few weeks.

I know how you're feeling. I used to be in that situation (though not 'devastated', just disappointed I guess :)).
I have two girls. And you know what, that's the best thing I've done for them! They're always so happy together!
I'm expecting my third child (I don't know the gender yet:) I know we have our own preferences, but in the end, only God knows what's the best for us (and our children). Take good care!

I'm expecting a boy but have always wanted girls! My whole family have been girls and I grew up with 2 sisters. When I had my gender scan I actually cried when they said boy! I feel awful and so guilty. It's now sunk in a bit and I'm getting used to the idea. I know I'll love my child exactly the same no matter what. I think I'm just stressing out as I've never witnessed a boy being raised! I have 16 cousins and they're all girls too so it's a new, scary journey! Your feelings of disappointment will fade and you'll love your baby the same way you would a girl, I'm sure x

Hi OP. Please don't hate yourself. I have two boys. I was ok when I found out that ds2 was another boy, but I had two friends who had girls around the same time. I know I would have been upset if I'd not known I was having another boy and had time to get used to it. I also had a major meltdown when I was invited to a baby shower for a friend who was having a girl after having four boys. I didn't go - just couldn't face it knowing I would never have a daughter (difficult pregnancy with no. 2, so wasn't going to be having another). After a lot of complications, her baby died very shortly after birth, which put the whole thing into perspective for me and although I'm still a little sad about the fact that I'll never have a daughter , I'm so grateful for my two precious boys who are now teenagers and (mostly!), good mates.

Please be kind to yourself and be assured that having two the same is fab. Lots of potential for shared interests and in a lot of ways, life is easier with two boys.

Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well xx

Think of it as a 'gift' for your older DS - my DS would have loved a brother to play with. Good luck & be kind to yourself 🌺.

I was also gutted with my secomd boy. I love him more than anything. But at the time, i was like you. Whats the point in seeing a 3d scan for another boy. I actually think if there had been an 'eras and try again' button Id have pressed it.
I also got loads of commiserative comments and was embarrassed to tell people what I was having. Love them now but still wish id got my girl

OP, I'm 7 weeks and I honestly can't even think about the baby being a boy. I am 1 of 3 sisters and would be outnumbered in my house by DSS6 and OH. I've actually decided I'm not going to find out before it's born for that reason, because I'm 100% sure that when we see our babies it will literally all melt away and we just wont care.

Please don't be hard on yourself. Just be gentle and give it time. I think a 4D scan would be a great idea. That and going out and buying literally the most gorgeous little outfit you can find.

I'd also like to add that my mum had my sister at 41, so you NEVER know what's round the corner!

I get how you feel, but imagine how lovely it will be for your son to have a brother. Someone to play with, someone to organise his stag do, someone to talk about boy things with.

I have a DD, and expecting a DS. Although it’s lovely to have one of each, I sometimes get a twinge when I see 2 sisters playing together! There’s no perfect way, but your feelings are your feelings. You won’t feel this way in 5 years, you’ll love your boys to bits xxx

Also, I can imagine 2 boys with a 5 year gap being close, especially as they grow up, but I can’t imagine a boy and girl 5 years apart being that close, so there definitley are benefits!

Please don't feel bad OP. Funnily enough I was thinking about this just this morning. I've got a young DS and was very open about really wanting a girl. We didn't find out so it was a shock for me! Don't get me wrong, I love my son so much, I really do. But that doesn't mean the second time round I won't still really want a girl and also be feeling as you do if we have another boy.

I can understand why people say "it doesn't matter as long as they're healthy" but equally that's really invalidating of what you're feeling right now, which is a natural reaction. Just look after yourself right now xxx