Hating Myself So Much - Gender Disappointment

[Putiputi]

I am not sure how to deal with the hatred I have for myself now.
I am selfish and I know I will be roasted by comments on here and I deserve it.
I have a beautiful, wonderful and amazing 5 year old son. I love him more every day.
However.
Today I had my 20 week scan on my second baby.
The sonographer informed me that I am having another boy.
I am devastated. And YES I know I am totally wrong for feeling this way; that I have no right!
I am on my own and this is my last chance for a baby as I am 37, single...
I held a hope for my dream of a daughter as I was having the scan - during the 20 week scan on my 5 year old it was as clear as anything he was a boy! He was clearly proud of his parts and they were VERY obvious. I saw them before the sonographer said anything.
Today I couldn't see anything except a tiny nub.
I have to go back for another scan in 2 weeks as the sonographer couldn't properly see the cord insertion, heart, kidneys or spine base enough due to baby's position.
I am really struggling with my feelings. I am so awful. Everyone said they 'felt' I was having a girl and I admit I was convinced too. Didn't feel like a boy at all.
I usually get so excited to see my baby in a scan but feeling no enthusiasm for the rescan. I also have a 4d booked for later on. I am thinking of canceling.
I cannot believe how devastated I am.
I hate myself enough for everyone reading this.
I have literally no one to talk to so needed to just say it.
I'm sorry.

Meant to add that like so many other posters here I'm also one of 3 girls and only have female cousins and nieces so couldn't imagine not having a girl myself.

You are not a bad person at all OP. This is a loss you have to grieve for. Losing a future you always dreamed of is going to be very difficult. Be kind to yourself.

This is a loss you have to grieve for

Sorry but I really don't think this is helpful. Of course I agree that OP is not a bad person but you absolutely cannot compare someone being disappointed that they don't get to buy pretty dresses to the grief you experience following the loss of a child. Disappointment (which is just a normal part of life and something we all have to deal with) and the profound, all consuming despair of grief are too very, very different things.

You are not a bad person at all OP. This is a loss you have to grieve for. Losing a future you always dreamed of is going to be very difficult.

What self indulgent bullshit.

This is a loss you have to grieve for
I have a disability which means normal life for me is out of the question now. Am I not allowed to grieve that?
Loss of a perceived future is as real for some people as real life loss.
Mentally, the pain is the same.

Dont worry, pregnancy hormones make everything seem worse. I might have liked a daughter but can't imagine life being any better now, with two boys. I quite like the perception that it's "hard work" - mums of boys know the secret that this is frequently bullshit (shhh!)

Just think about the benefits you will reap when they're playing and scheming together, giggling like lunatics and coming up with elaborate games to play together. Same sex siblings can have a special bond.

Your children are special and perfect because they're yours regardless of sex. I never understood it after DS2 was born when mums of girls said I could "borrow" their daughters if I needed a "girly fix". I don't like other people's snotty-nosed children!

Even if I could have a guaranteed third who would be female I'd not bother.

The feelings will pass, honestly it'll be fine x