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Original poster

Unplanned and anxious - termination today

48 replies

whatamidoing25 · 15/08/2018 07:01

Found out I was unexpectedly pregnant a few weeks ago after being taken into hospital. My immediate reaction was horror. Not because I don’t want children, but because my DH doesn’t. To the point that I have had two previous terminations which absolutely destroyed me.

This time DH has said it is up to me and completely my choice. I have booked in for another termination today but the whole time through the referral and booking I cried and two nights ago I told my partner I wasn’t going. Initially he said he would support my choice but I now feel like he wants to change my mind because of his views and my worries.

My concerns are over money. I earn most of the money in the house and we have absolutely no savings at all. I think we can muddle through maternity leave but I also want to go back to work as soon as possible because I love my job. How on earth am I going to afford childcare? I would need 8am until 6pm 5 days a week which I think will be £1000 a month. I don’t have that much spare money! Going back part time wouldn’t help either really as I’d be bringing home less money with the same bills and still with childcare to pay for. We also live too far away from any family so have no one around us who could help.

Please help! My appointment is at 13:15 today. I still don’t want to go but how can I bring a child into the world without the means to support it?

OP posts:
Littlelantern · 15/08/2018 07:03

You will find a way through maternity, how do you think millions of people afford it, give yourself time. It’s not too late to start saving now, you’ll have 9 months! Please don’t do something you’ll regret and is irreversible x

Cherubfish · 15/08/2018 07:06

If your DH earns much less than you could he be a SAHD?

Original poster
whatamidoing25 · 15/08/2018 07:08

He doesn't want a child at all - he just doesn't want me to be as upset as I was the last times. It took me years to get back to normal. So I don't know how he would cope with being a SAHD. We also use his salary to pay bills and we live month to month which is why we have no savings.

I'm just so confused about what to do!

OP posts:
Lilly1207 · 15/08/2018 07:13

If you don't want another abortion, don't do if. The emotional impact on you is not worth it. You will find a way through financial difficulties... maybe he could look for different work or you may be entitled to tax credits etc?

Quartz2208 · 15/08/2018 07:14

Oh OP you need to figure out what you want and take it from there as this situation is not sustainable

dotty12345 · 15/08/2018 07:14

I feel for you OP, my only advice is not to terminate because someone else wants you to. I’ve had 3 children and one termination, money has always been tight but I’ve never regretted my 3 children. 💐

myotherbagisgucci · 15/08/2018 07:16

There is never a right time to have children, nor can you plan for this sort of situation 18 months down the line. Once they're here, everything changes and your outlook on work might do as well.

I also don't believe that having a termination for someone else is a wise idea, as it will probably be something you'll regret.

Good luck with whatever you do, but from what you've said, it sounds like your heart has already decided! Thanks

twoheaped · 15/08/2018 07:19

If you were so desperately unhappy after the first two, why put yourself through it again? Please think of your mental well being.

As for money and maternity, it is a short term issue. Can you cut your cloth for a few years?

As an aside, I would be insisting your dh gets the snip before you indulge in marital relations again. It is absolutely not fair on you to just be responsible for contraceptive.

panago · 15/08/2018 07:23

Do not terminate.
At least not today.
You aren't sure and are worrying about logistics.
IMHO men say one thing when they find out about a pregnancy and another when the baby is here. My DH also suddenly decided (was having a personal crisis) that he didn't want the baby or to be married to me when I was very early with dd1. He's now a SAHD.
NOT saying things will be roses, but please reconsider. At least today.

kmreeve · 15/08/2018 07:39

If your salary's are lower than norm you could be entitled to working tax credits once the child is born, in addition to child benefit each month. When you return to work and child goes into daycare, you'll also be entitled to the childcare element of the tax credits.

You must cancel today's appointment- you can reschedule if needs be. Thousands of people manage this each year .. so can you, if you want to.

Your husband will probably love that baby to the moon n back once it's here and in his arms!

lapenguin · 15/08/2018 07:39

Look into what you may be entitled to on entitledto (Google it the site will come up)
Look into different childcare options
Childminders are cheaper and more flexible than nurseries
Maybe look into a nanny
If you and dh work different times then see if you would need less than 8-6
I know he would rather not have a child but fact is if he's gonna stay and you're going to have a baby then he's going to have to step up and be a dad and that may mean dropping them off if you start earlier or picking them up if he finishes work before you
You can do it, we lived pay to pay and we somehow managed. We still live pay to pay but I'm going to start getting better control on my finances! We recieve only the standard child benefit.
Look into tax free childcare and how that may help you

Original poster
whatamidoing25 · 15/08/2018 07:42

Thanks everyone. I've looked at what we could get and somehow we earn too much to get any money from the government other than the £20 a week.

I've told one person about what's going on and they also said that you manage and it just happens. I'm a worrier anyway so always need my ducks in a row before I can do anything.

I'm waiting for DH to wake up so we can talk, we both have the day off today.

OP posts:
Sciatica2 · 15/08/2018 07:50

DH and I both compressed our hours so that we did five days work in four. We each made our one day off land on a different day. That way we only needed three days childcare. We got an au pair who lives in our spare room and does 25 hours childcare a week for room, food and £110 a week which is a very standard au pair package. Peopleday you can’t leave a baby with an au pair but we always found Spaniards who wanted to learn English and had huge amounts of baby experience back home.

That’s just one option, there are others out there. Don’t rush into the termination until you know all your options. Good luck. x

Fluffybat · 15/08/2018 07:56

I was petrified when I fell pregnant with my ds about money. I was a mess and convinced we couldn't afford childcare etc. We ended up making some changes- we saved a lot in those 9 months. It is amazing what you can do to save when you really need to. We moved out of London to a cheaper property (We rented though), I went part time and we moved to where family lived so they helped with childcare. It was s huge change but so worth it. I love my ds more than anything and the moment I clapped eyes on him the money worries went. You will be surprised how things can sort themselves out. Please don't terminate if you don't want to. Talk to your DH and discuss options. See where you can make cut backs. Could either of you do extra work got the next few months? Do you have any items you can sell on eBay? Gym memberships that could be cancelled? X

43percentburnt · 15/08/2018 08:02

If you both earn over 125 per week individually and neither of you earns over 100k individually then you do get help with childcare. I will find the link.

43percentburnt · 15/08/2018 08:04

www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/tax-free-childcare

Good luck with your decision.

Isadora2007 · 15/08/2018 08:09

Honestly I’m so angry with your husband for putting you in this situation. Why the hell hasn’t he had the snip given this is the THIRD time it has happened? That really is awful.
But that aside, you know you will be desperately unhappy if you go ahead with the termination today. I would cancel the appointment and get one with a financial advisor. If you really are earning so much you’re not entitled to any government help then you must have enough for a child. It’s as simple as that unless you have significant debt or a gambling issue. Please don’t be pushed into this (again).

Chuggachuggatoottoot · 15/08/2018 08:11

Could you move closer to family? I don't think it's fair that you have been put through this tbh. If your partner doesn't want children then he needs to go and get the snip or leave the relationship. It sounds like you do want children and maybe you shouldn't be with this man anymore.
I think you have been given another chance at a baby and if you want it take it.
You will find a way.
Another termination may break you.

LeftRightCentre · 15/08/2018 08:13

Your husband is a grade A twat. If he never wanted kids he should have had the snip. And this is NOT his decision. YOU don't want another abortion. So don't have one. He has to pay to support his child, too. It's not his choice and you don't want another termination. That's the decision made then.

Butterymuffin · 15/08/2018 08:19

You want a child, and your previous terminations have made you very unhappy. Is this man worth destroying yourself and your own wishes for, really? I'm totally pro choice but it doesn't sound like the termination is what you want.

I read on here that relationships where partners have different opinions on whether to terminate a pregnancy have a low chance of continuing long term, whether or not the woman continues with the pregnancy, because either way the decision has such a massive impact. So ask yourself this: if you knew the relationship with your DH was going to end regardless, would you want a child or not?

hungryhippie · 15/08/2018 08:22

Babies don't need much and it quite easy to get cheap or free things for them such as clothes or prams.
Do you have family nearby to help?

Good luck today Flowers

Original poster
whatamidoing25 · 15/08/2018 08:26

I'm not worried about the relationship anymore, he is a fantastic guy who witnessed a father hating his son (DH younger brother). He's scared too.

We have made it through so much in our 10+ year relationship this is just another hurdle to get through.

We are both stuck. He has said he will support me and do his bit. But that doesn't mean his current views have changed. And I probably got his hopes up by booking the termination.

I can't imagine how he must be feeling suddenly being told that I've changed my mind so our lives have to change completely.

If I could make myself believe that we can afford this financially then he would come round to the idea. Because I have doubts he still hopes my decision will change again.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 15/08/2018 08:27

I agree with @LeftRightCentre! If your husband didn’t want children he should have had the snip years ago and not allowed you to go through this so many times! Dump the husband and keep the baby. You clearly want this little one!

Mammyofasuperbaby · 15/08/2018 08:28

Try the turn2us calculator, it will tell you exactly what you are entitled too down to the penny

lapenguin · 15/08/2018 08:32

Believe you can
It's difficult
But you do just make it work
You cut back on things you don't need
Don't spend unnecessarily
Look for best deals
Shop smart and in different places
Lesnr to love aldi and lidl if you don't already (aldi nappies are the best we've ever used)
Not to sound all 'it must be fate'
But I think by the third time maybe there is something out there trying to tell you something
Whether that is dh needs to get the snip or you should be parents, is up to you to decide
But don't do something you seem like you'll regret for fear of the unknown
You could both be in great paying jobs with lovely savings when you get pregnant but by the time you give birth one could have lost their job and savings could be gone, honestly you just don't know what life has in store especially when it comes to kids. Just got to take it one day at a time.

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