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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Unplanned and anxious - termination today

48 replies

whatamidoing25 · 15/08/2018 07:01

Found out I was unexpectedly pregnant a few weeks ago after being taken into hospital. My immediate reaction was horror. Not because I don’t want children, but because my DH doesn’t. To the point that I have had two previous terminations which absolutely destroyed me.

This time DH has said it is up to me and completely my choice. I have booked in for another termination today but the whole time through the referral and booking I cried and two nights ago I told my partner I wasn’t going. Initially he said he would support my choice but I now feel like he wants to change my mind because of his views and my worries.

My concerns are over money. I earn most of the money in the house and we have absolutely no savings at all. I think we can muddle through maternity leave but I also want to go back to work as soon as possible because I love my job. How on earth am I going to afford childcare? I would need 8am until 6pm 5 days a week which I think will be £1000 a month. I don’t have that much spare money! Going back part time wouldn’t help either really as I’d be bringing home less money with the same bills and still with childcare to pay for. We also live too far away from any family so have no one around us who could help.

Please help! My appointment is at 13:15 today. I still don’t want to go but how can I bring a child into the world without the means to support it?

OP posts:

LeftRightCentre · 15/08/2018 08:32

You may not realise it, but he is not a great guy and you need to remember that it is YOU who is having yet another termination that you don't want. Start putting yourself first here before you wind up with 4+ terminations behind you, you're too old to have a child and your husband swans off with someone else younger and has a child. Because he can change his mind, too. So can you. You don't want a termination. So don't have one.

As the mother of a daughter, your posts make me so incredibly sad.

Movablefeast · 15/08/2018 08:44

The “hurdle” to get through OP is the money side not having an abortion that you don’t want. Up to now your DH has been incredibly self-centered and irresponsible.

TwitterQueen1 · 15/08/2018 08:48

OP, if everyone sat down and tried to figure out how much a baby would cost and how they would afford it, there would be very, very few babies. People cope. They manage. And you will too.

You've had two terminations already. Please don't have another one unless you are 500% sure that this is what you really want. I get the feeling you don't want one, so please please don't go through with it. And make this YOUR decision. Forget what your DH has said for a few hours. Sit down and work out what YOU want.

MaverickSnoopy · 15/08/2018 09:09

For your mental health I urge you to cancel the termination. It can be rebooked.

I am currently pregnant with my 3rd. I never thought in a million years we could afford 1, let alone 3. I used to get so upset at the thought that we could never afford children. Then one day we just did it and it just worked out. People say that because it's true. It just does.

From a practical point of view a childminder could be cheaper. Ours charged £4/hr which for full time worked out at about £800/month. Plus there is the childcare voucher scheme (which I think is being replaced by something else) and saves you around £100/month, so immediately that's a bill of £700/month. You might be able to work compressed hours or one of you a second job (my DH did this when we were saving and worked an extra 7 hours/week which gave us an extra £140/month). It might work out better if you claimed tax credits instead of the vouchers of course.

Remember nothing lasts forever. I used to get so hung up on finances until I was made redundant and we just made it work. At this stage of our lives we're not rich but our family is rich with life, love and fulfilment. Our children have everything they need. I shop in sales only, holidays are in the UK, days out are booked through tesco clubcard and I'm very aware of places to go that don't cost much. They love to play in tents in the garden and paddling pool in summer. We bake a lot and I'm frugal with our food shopping but we still eat well. There are areas we cut back on massively - eg we used to save £300/month for a holiday, now we save more like £50/month. I know that when my middle child is at nursery (in a year) my earning potential will go up and the year after when she starts school it will go up further.

Somehow you just make it work. Have you done a full budget? I'm happy to help and I'm sure others would too if it would help to put your mind at ease.

ryvitarita · 15/08/2018 10:00

I would keep this baby. You do work things out. I had a great career, a lot of savings and a planned pregnancy. When baby was born we’d spent everything on moving house and my dh the breadwinner lost his job while I was on maternity leave.
We had nothing. And due to me being on stat maternity leave, the government said my salary counted in full and I’d need to leave my job to be entitled to anything despite maternity leave literally being a couple of hundred a month. We made it work. I went back to work FT and 100% of my salary was spent on baby and childcare. Dh found a new job and we scraped by. We were used to a very comfortable lifestyle previously but somehow it drove us to work harder to achieve it. My career has taken a massive hit but it was worth it. You have until 65 to sort working life out. You don’t have that long in the baby making years.

To want dc and look back and not have them for me would mean a lifetime of sadness. It’s no doubt different if you’ve never wanted them but now you’ve come to a crossroad and need to make this decision for yourself. I would cancel today’s app and think about it. You can get another appointment if necessary.
I also agree your dp should get the snip now. He’s probably worrying you’ll wake up and realise what a shitty thing this is for him to expect of you.

Angelmiracle · 15/08/2018 10:20

Hi hun I think you're possibly feeling guilty because of how your DH feels and its leaving you unsure. But I think deep down you want to keep this little baby. I have many friends sisters cousins who had unplanned pregnancies and not one of them regret having their children. Some had to take a year out of uni, others change hours at work and some moved house. Most men typically do not connect with a pregnancy but the vast majority are overwhelmed with pride when they hold their flesh and blood in their arms. Your hormones will be making you more emotional right now too. You just need to be strong and I promise things will work out better than you're imagining! Good luck 🤞

bessie84 · 15/08/2018 14:48

hope your ok x

Goatlady5812 · 15/08/2018 14:57

Really
Hoping you are ok OP x

SD1978 · 15/08/2018 15:16

Sorry- he's not a great guy. Why hasn't he had the snip if he's so anti having any children? He's left all the hard work to you. If you don't want to do it. Don't. Did you want children, or happy to not have any? You need to be sure that this is what you want- not what you feel expected to do.

Original poster

whatamidoing25 · 15/08/2018 16:06

Thank you all for your messages. I told my DH that I wasn't going to the appointment and that was that.

Started making some changes already today - changed supermarket and I caught him checking out baby stuff. Maybe he'll get used to the idea.

OP posts:

SnowyAlps · 15/08/2018 16:13

You will manage- we all do somehow! Good luck

timeisnotaline · 15/08/2018 16:13

It sounds like he’s already getting used to the idea op. There will be rough spots but a child will bring you so much joy (cuddling my 2mo as we speak)

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/08/2018 16:48

That’s brilliant news OP and it sounds like your DH isn’t as against the idea as you might have thought.

Figgygal · 15/08/2018 16:58

Good for you OP ultimately did you want to have children?

As a couple who have already had terminations if he is still adamant that he does not want children why is he not taking responsibility for that and getting the snip? Why continue to risk it?

TwitterQueen1 · 15/08/2018 17:03

Congratulations OP! Looks like you're going to have a baby

How do you feel now?

MrsMozart · 15/08/2018 17:07

I hope all goes well for you all.

MISHGS · 15/08/2018 17:52

Well done for making such a brave decision. Hope all works out well for you. x

lapenguin · 15/08/2018 17:54

Yay congratulations :)

Angelmiracle · 15/08/2018 17:57

Congratulations I'm delighted for you 😊 x

LeftRightCentre · 15/08/2018 18:01

Congratulations! You will find lots of advice and support on here if you want. You have made a decision that is right for you. I wish you a happy pregnancy.

CornforthWhite · 15/08/2018 20:08

Yay!

MaverickSnoopy · 15/08/2018 21:48

I've been thinking about you today and I'm so glad you didn't go to the appointment. You will work it out and one day you will look back and wonder what you were worried about.

Izzyw1983 · 15/08/2018 23:07

I used to worry about money and when I got to 9 weeks the father of this baby left me.... I panicked...but then though hang on...how many single mothers are they and they all manage...they all seem to be able to afford everything they need. If they can do it I'm sure I can... I went to the local council and someone went through what statutory benefit I would get after the birth...when I go back to work I can get help so I only have to work 22 hours a week which mum can take the baby for or I have arranged with another colleague who is also having a baby a month before me...to look after each other's babies when we are working....do research and find out exactly what help u can get x

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