Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Advice?

47 replies

em1998 · 30/07/2018 19:27

First of all I'm not here to have my partner slated or to slate my partner, basically I got pregnant by accident with our first child, she was a pill baby, and I didn't find out till I was 3 months gone, a week before I found out about her we split up, (we got back together when she was born) he was adamant he didn't want her, and made me feel really guilty about not getting an abortion and before I made the decision to keep her, he told me that I was going to ruin his life, this would be the worst thing to happen to him, he would hate me etc if I kept her, despite all this I kept her because at 3 months I felt I wouldn't be able to cope with the alternative, shes now nearly a year old.
We have both made the decision for me to come off my pill as its interfering with my mental health, I'm tracking my ovulation to reduce the chance of being pregnant but whenever I suggest using a condom he says sex won't feel as good and he doesn't want to use one so obviously the chance of me falling pregnant is there, I was just wondering if any of you guys have any advice on how to approach him if I do fall pregnant again as I really don't want to go through what I went through last time with him, I did fall pregnant a few months ago, but had an abortion as I was only 2 weeks gone and I felt like I wouldn't be able to cope as my daughter was tiny, but I have told him if I fall pregnant I will not be having a termination so he is well aware, but still doesn't want to wear a condom, I would like another baby, but he doesn't, I just don't know how to approach the whole situation should I fall pregnant again. Thankyou :)

OP posts:
Original poster
em1998 · 30/07/2018 19:29

Also I don't want to be on any other form of contraception as I'm tired of having hormones in my body that aren't supposed to be there x

OP posts:
annlee3817 · 30/07/2018 20:02

I know you said you don't want other contraception, but what about the copper coil? Completely hormone free. I had the mirena coil fitted a few months ago( chose that as they said hormones are only released into the uterus and not the whole body) but was leaning heavily towards the copper coil. Have been so much better off the pill.

I think also you need to sit down and have a very serious conversation with your DP and ask him exactly what he expects to happen should you fall pregnant again, and if he is expecting a termination then you can probably expect him to act the same a second time round and should refuse to have sex unprotected

Original poster
em1998 · 30/07/2018 20:37

I have tried the copper coil before and it just made me bleed non stop which wiped me out and gave me really bad fatigue. I have told him that if I fell pregnant I wouldn't be having a termination so he knows that if I did fall pregnant it wouldn't be happening. I'm scared of him acting the same way but also don't know if the behaviour would be so severe considering we have one baby and he knows that eventually it would be okay? My head's a bit of a mess worrying about it all x

OP posts:
Bobbiepin · 30/07/2018 20:38

Stop having sex with him until he respects you.

Original poster
em1998 · 30/07/2018 20:42

I never said he didn't respect me? Bit of a harsh comment to make, we have been in a mutually loving and respectful relationship for four years, apart from the few months we split up, he just doesn't want to wear a condom, which puts me at risk of a pregnancy that he would most likely not be happy about.

OP posts:
killemwithkindness · 30/07/2018 20:42

I have the same situation myself with the contraception and hormones, I do just insist on condoms.
That's really the only option if we don't want a surprise.
DP would never refuse, if he did he wouldn't be getting any. End of.

WooYa · 30/07/2018 20:43

I'm sorry but not using a condom is not respecting you. He clearly isn't listening and is putting his pleasure over your health.

Bobbiepin · 30/07/2018 20:46

made me feel really guilty about not getting an abortion

he told me that I was going to ruin his life, this would be the worst thing to happen to him, he would hate me etc if I kept her

Doesn't sound very respectful. He tried to pressure you into a termination you didn't want and is perfectly fine putting you in prime circumstance to repeat that.

Original poster
em1998 · 30/07/2018 20:47

I don't mind not using a condom, the only reason I ask him to use one is because he is against another baby, when he doesn't use one I still agree to have sex with him, therefore is consensual and I'm well aware of the risks, he does say its up to me, the prospect of pregnancy to me just doesn't bother me as I am not against having another baby, it's nothing to do with my health x

OP posts:
Original poster
em1998 · 30/07/2018 20:49

@bobbipin, That was when we split up, might I also add we are young parents, he had only just turned in and he was not mentally well at the time.
Can I say again, I don't want my partner slated, I wanted advice on how to approach him if I got pregnant again, or how to have a conversation with him about not having a termination.

OP posts:
Original poster
em1998 · 30/07/2018 20:50

*turned 18

OP posts:
Nuggetsandwich · 30/07/2018 20:53

He is coercing you into unprotected sex which may result in a baby he doesn't want. You ask him to use a condom but he doesn't want to - despite not wanting a baby. A pregnancy may lead to him subjecting you to bullying behaviour again (warning you he will hate you, you will ruin his life etc.). That is not a respectful relationship.

sirlee66 · 30/07/2018 20:53

If he won't respect you, tell him to get the snip?

FirstTimePetitioner · 30/07/2018 20:53

Forgive me if this comes across as rude, but you don't sound very mature OP. Your DP is not treating you with respect, and you are both behaving recklessly by having unprotected sex if you don't want to fall pregnant.

the prospect of pregnancy to me just doesn't bother me as I am not against having another baby

This is not the same as wanting a baby, and it would be entirely irresponsible and unfair to bring another child into the world under these circumstances.

physicskate · 30/07/2018 20:55

I don't think he respects you either... a baby isn't something that someone 'shouldn't mind' having, let alone not wanting at all. If he doesn't want a baby he either wears a condom or doesn't have sex. This isn't a judgement on him, per say, I just thing your offspring deserve better than such a blasé or negative attitude.

FirstTimePetitioner · 30/07/2018 20:55

I wanted advice on how to approach him if I got pregnant again, or how to have a conversation with him about not having a termination.

The advice is not to put yourself into that position in the first place. No condom, no sex.

beccii161016 · 30/07/2018 20:56

He can't be against another baby and against contraception. With all due respect, you can track your ovulation all you like but it is very very common for your ovulation dates to change throughout your cycles and also, you can still get pregnant whether you're ovulating or not. Sperm can live for up to 5 days so it's a large window.

Without meaning to be harsh you have a choice: contraception or pregnancy. Clearly contraception is making you unwell, there is nothing worse than suffering with mental health. There is no genuine reason for him not to want to use a condom just "it won't feel as good".

He clearly doesn't respect you if he would rather you suffer/have to go through an abortion or unwanted child than wear a condom.

Original poster
em1998 · 30/07/2018 20:59

Thankyou for picking me, my relationship, and partner apart, I am mature, I have a beautiful one year old daughter and the prosepct of pregnancy doesn't concern me because I would love to have more children in the future. I do not mind not having sex without a condom, there is no issue there for me, I however, have asked him if he would like to use one as he doesn't know / is against having more children in the future. This post has clearly been misunderstood by most people who have read this. And my offspring deserve better? Excuse me, you do not know me, or how I parent, my offspring is in a loving, caring family and has everything she could ever possibly need.

OP posts:
LunaTrap · 30/07/2018 20:59

You've already been through one abortion due to lack of contraception, is he expecting you to have them repeatedly if needed so that he doesn't have to wear a condom? He absolutely doesn't respect you at all if he is willing to continually risk your physical and mental health like that. But you need to take some responsibility too. You should be telling him no condom, no sex.

Original poster
em1998 · 30/07/2018 21:02

I was on my pill when I got caught pregnant, my daughter was 6 months old, hence the termination.

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 30/07/2018 21:02

I hear that you don't want him slatting, but if things are that great and he respects/understands you, you shouldn't need advice about how to approach him.

Not wanting to sound harsh or judgy, but the implications on all three of you if you were to have another baby (that he does not want) are huge.

Please think carefully about what you really want out of life for yourself and your little family.

Also, condoms have come a long way, are much thinner, can have extra tingly gel (I think) and be a bit of fun

beccii161016 · 30/07/2018 21:04

If he is against another baby, that suggests that he may act in the same way he did when he found out you were pregnant with your daughter (which was extremely immature and hurtful).

If that is the case, he should be okay with wearing a condom to prevent a pregnancy. You can't be expected to be the only one taking precautions, especially if it is affecting your health. That is extremely selfish of him. And "it doesn't feel as good" really is one of the most immature things a guy can say - I'm not trying to be nasty just honest.

You need to stress to him that, for medical reasons, the only contraception feasible is condoms. If he still refuses then make it clear that he should expect you will get pregnant at some point because you will never completely accurately predict your ovulation cycle for an extended period of time.

If he truly loves and respects you, that shouldn't be a problem for him. Also, if he does act the way he did with your little girl if you fall pregnant again, I'd seriously question his respect for you as that is just incredibly hurtful and uncalled for.

Good luck

Original poster
em1998 · 30/07/2018 21:06

thank you, this was the kind of advice I was looking for x

OP posts:
Original poster
em1998 · 30/07/2018 21:13

I also have a latex allergy, so we can only use latex free ones, and so far we haven’t found any that are in any different style i.e thin.

OP posts:
Takfujimoto · 30/07/2018 21:24

You have already had a termination so I strongly believe if you were to get pregnant now/in the future he would expect you to have another one if he didn't fancy having another child and then most likely act shocked you don't want one and then to him that would absolve him of any responsibility making you out to be unreasonable.

I wouldn't want to have another child with this person so I wouldn't have sex with him anymore unless it was protected probably not even then.

You need to have a serious sit down talk about how it is also his responsibility to use contraception because your current way is really ineffective.

Just remember that he can walk away, lots of men do when an unwanted pregnancy occurs, it's great that you are together now but it would be very easy for him to pick up sticks if you refused an abortion and then you would end up without support and a second child who wasn't wanted or loved by their father.
If he respects you he should want to avoid putting you in the horrible position of having another termination, but from your post it doesn't seem like he does or he is extremely ignorant of the physical and emotional upheave having a termination can cause, why would you willingly risk putting a loved one through that?