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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Advice?

47 replies

em1998 · 30/07/2018 19:27

First of all I'm not here to have my partner slated or to slate my partner, basically I got pregnant by accident with our first child, she was a pill baby, and I didn't find out till I was 3 months gone, a week before I found out about her we split up, (we got back together when she was born) he was adamant he didn't want her, and made me feel really guilty about not getting an abortion and before I made the decision to keep her, he told me that I was going to ruin his life, this would be the worst thing to happen to him, he would hate me etc if I kept her, despite all this I kept her because at 3 months I felt I wouldn't be able to cope with the alternative, shes now nearly a year old.
We have both made the decision for me to come off my pill as its interfering with my mental health, I'm tracking my ovulation to reduce the chance of being pregnant but whenever I suggest using a condom he says sex won't feel as good and he doesn't want to use one so obviously the chance of me falling pregnant is there, I was just wondering if any of you guys have any advice on how to approach him if I do fall pregnant again as I really don't want to go through what I went through last time with him, I did fall pregnant a few months ago, but had an abortion as I was only 2 weeks gone and I felt like I wouldn't be able to cope as my daughter was tiny, but I have told him if I fall pregnant I will not be having a termination so he is well aware, but still doesn't want to wear a condom, I would like another baby, but he doesn't, I just don't know how to approach the whole situation should I fall pregnant again. Thankyou :)

OP posts:

FirstTimePetitioner · 30/07/2018 21:26

It sounds like you're making excuses, OP.

Poptart4 · 30/07/2018 21:27

@em1998 your asking a forum full of strangers advice on how to tell your boyfriend about a possible pregnancy so he doesn't put you through the same emotional abuse he did the first time you got pregnant.

Before you say it im not bashing your bf im stating a fact. The way he treated you was emotional abuse!

I know he was younger then and he has probably grown up since then but you clearly think he is still capable of the same unsupportive behaviour.

The fact is none of us can give you the answer your looking for as none of us know your partner. Nobody including you knows how he is going to react to another pregnancy.

The only advice we can give you is to not get pregnant for someone you feel may be angry, unsupportive or emotionally abusive when he finds out. Your putting yourself in a very bad position by allowing him to have unprotected sex with you. Are you prepared to be a single mother of 2? Because thats the chance your taking with this man.

Original poster

em1998 · 30/07/2018 21:51

what are you on about excuses ? i have a latex allergy? not an excuse,if i use a condom that has latex in, it burns me, i got caught pregnant on my pill when my daughter was younger, not an excuse? i'm not trying to be ignorant to what you are saying, i just don't understand what excuses i am making.

OP posts:

Foodylicious · 30/07/2018 21:58

This category goes to Trojan Supra non-latex Bareskin™. These lubricated condoms are made from ultra-thin polyurethane so there are no sensitivities to latex. The material is designed so that it transmits body heat better than other fabrications. They are transparent and completely free from odors. They come with a water-based lubricant. Trojan does not recommend using additional lubes.

Takfujimoto · 30/07/2018 21:59

I think they meant you're excusing your partners awful behaviour and emotional abuse.

Which you kind of are, but you're in the thick of it and probably won't realise how much better off you would be to ditch him permanently for a while yet.

You state you don't want people to 'slate' your Partner nothingdearabouthim yet if you want realistic and helpful advice it seems impossible without pointing out how flawed he and this relationship appears.

You can do better than this, you deserve better than this.

Foodylicious · 30/07/2018 21:59

These have won awards ^

Foodylicious · 30/07/2018 22:00

(Fellow latex allergy sufferer)

FirstTimePetitioner · 30/07/2018 22:04

I also have a latex allergy, so we can only use latex free ones, and so far we haven’t found any that are in any different style i.e thin.

There's your excuse.

I just think you shouldn't gamble with pregnancy like you are, it wouldn't be fair on your DD or the conceived child for you to fall pregnant in the circumstances you've described.

FirstTimePetitioner · 30/07/2018 22:06

you're excusing your partners awful behaviour and emotional abuse

But also this.

Original poster

em1998 · 30/07/2018 22:06

Thankyou foody! I am aware-my partners behaviour in the past was totally unacceptable and disgusting, but before that we were in a loving, commited and respectful relationship for three years, but I think people can change and I cant judge him on a few months of bad behaviour when previously he was perfect and since my daughter was born he has been perfect ever since. I know he abused me emotionally, I know he had no right to tell me what to do, all of the things he said to me were totally unacceptable, he was a teenage boy, who was scared and mentally unwell, he is not a boy anymore and he has grown up a lot, as have I. However this doesn't stop me from worrying about a potential pregnancy in the future and how he may respond to it.

OP posts:

Original poster

em1998 · 30/07/2018 22:08

how is it an excuse? if i use a condom with latex in it burns me?

OP posts:

FirstTimePetitioner · 30/07/2018 22:08

So use a non thin one without latex...

Original poster

em1998 · 30/07/2018 22:10

What circumstances? There is nothing wrong at this moment in time? My daughter has a lovely mother, father and family? I'm not pregnant, I have no other mum friends and all I wanted was to be talked to and given some helpful advice but instead I'm sat here being told i'm making excuses about condoms when non latex condoms literally burn my insides.

OP posts:

Original poster

em1998 · 30/07/2018 22:14

I have and do use non thin latex ones however my partner doesnt want to use one all of the time, which is the point of the whole post, which you should know seeing as you've kept replying.

OP posts:

Bobbiepin · 30/07/2018 22:14

the prosepct of pregnancy doesn't concern me
Yes it does. You don't want to fall pregnant (Not catch pregnant btw, it is not a disease) because your "loving and respectful" boyfriend would bully you into terminating another baby.

No one is questioning your ability to parent your daughter but you asked for advice and that's what you're getting. 'He's lovely except when he forces me to terminate a pregnancy I may have wanted' is not loving nor respectful. It's happened once, it will happen again.

FirstTimePetitioner · 30/07/2018 22:17

The circumstances you've described, where you're in a relationship with someone who has emotionally abused you in the past and has potential to do so again, who doesn't respect you by refusing to take responsibility for contraception, and who does not want a baby.

physicskate · 30/07/2018 22:18

I'm glad you've both grown up. You both need to grow up a bit more though and use contraception to avoid unwanted (or at least not really really wanted) pregnancy.

His refusal to wrap it up is immature. You are enabling his poor behaviour by allowing him to have sex when the result could be a child.

I totally agree that you, your daughter and any future Children deserve better. I hope you see that too before it's too late.

This is a serious relationship issue. Treating it as a small issue is not grown up. I hope you have some real support irl because it sounds like you're in a tough spot.

He's manipulative and has abused you. That is in no way your fault. There need to be two grownups in this relationship. It doesn't matter that he's not abusive now - tigers don't change their stripes without some help. Has he had that help? His attitude to contraception and lack of respect for your health suggests maybe not??

ProseccoPoppy · 30/07/2018 22:35

I’m not going to slate your boyfriend, and obviously don’t know what he is like as a person but do think his behaviour is unkind and really concerning. It “not feeling as good” is a really poor excuse (to be clear - that is him making a poor excuse).

If I were in your position the conversation I would be having would be along the lines of no more sex at all unless he either wears a condom (thick/thin/whatever, as long as it’s safe and latex free so suitable for you) or is properly committed to you and ready to try for a planned, wanted baby. I personally would not want to be in the position of needing to discuss a “surprise” pregancy with this man, given that his previous reaction was wholly unacceptable. (I say that as someone who has had a not wholly planned pregnancy - but with my lovely DH, and we were both delighted and completely on the same page.)

Good luck, and I hope you are able to have a really productive conversation with your boyfriend to get a good level of understanding between you and reach an agreement re using condoms. If as you say he has now grown up, hopefully he can demonstrate to you that he now properly respects you and is taking responsibility.

McPeppaMcYumPig · 30/07/2018 22:38

Not to be rude but if your partner was amazing as you say he is why are you so worried about approaching him if you are pregnant ? If you did get pregnant he would have to deal with it and like most partners should, be understanding and supportive. To me it sounds like you're walking on eggshells

Jessiejuju · 31/07/2018 02:50

Op let me give you the advise you wanted. If your happy with the way you and dp do things then forget what anyone else says and if you do fall pregnant again then sit him down and tell him that he is a grown man who conciously chose not to use a condom so now he has to deal with the consiquence he knows there is a risk of you falling pregnant and that you won't terminate so therefore he will just have to deal with it like the mature grown up you believe him to be.

FirstTimePetitioner · 31/07/2018 07:40

Jessiejuju I get that you're trying to be nice and supportive to the OP, however I don't think that advising OP to continue risking unwanted pregnancy is good advice.

Jessiejuju · 31/07/2018 18:24

I didn't say it was good advice. But op clearly doesn't want people telling her that the relationship is wrong and that her partner doesn't respect her. I totally agree with what you are all saying but she is not willing to listen so instead of just joining the bandwagon and getting her more anoyed I am giving her the advice that she asked for. Of course it's bad advice because it's a bad situation but it's what she wanted and who am I to tell her what she should or shouldn't be doing with her life.

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