Announcing pregnancy to parents - what is "fair"

[Iwouldliketostopfeelingsicknow]

Just that really.

I'm almost 10 weeks and have our 12 week scan booked on the 1st August. (We have already had an 8 week reassurance scan).

Me and my OH are having arguments about when to tell parents. It's mums birthday a week after the scan and I had hoped to tell her then as it will be a nice birthday present.

However my in laws live 3 hours away and there is something in their house we are allergic to. I don't want to go over there as there isn't anything I can take (or at least I don't think there is?) should I get wheezy, sneezy and itchy eyed so I suggest having a meal at a pub and dress it up as a flying visit. OH does not like this idea.

OH said to wait until they next visit us and I have no idea when that will be as they are busy people. I don't want to keep hiding it :(

What should I do to make it fair?

Ring them and tell them

Just ring them?

Tell your parents then ring your in laws that evening. I don't see the big issue here. Is it that your DH wants to treat them both the same?

We FaceTimed my parents from the IL's house so they all heard the news at the same time. That could be an option for you?

He could invite his parents to visit you? Do a family dinner with both sets of parents and announce it all together?

His parents are going to be pretty peeved if they turn up for a visit to find that you are say 16 weeks pregnant and they haven’t been told.

Pregnancy isn’t always that easy to hide. My whole team at work had figured it out before I told them.

You don’t want them accidentally finding out from someone else.

He needs to think of his parents. They’ll presumably be thrilled?

This isn’t about what’s “fair” it’s about what’s most practical and easiest for you (the pregnant person)

He presumably doesn’t want to deliberately expose his pregnant wife to an allergen that makes you ill?

What? Is this a thing?

We FaceTimed my parents from the IL's house so they all heard the news at the same time

I don't understand what harm would be done if one set of parents find out you're pregnant a bit sooner or later than the other. Who is keeping score??

The thing is that you’ll start showing fairly soon and then you’ll have to start telling people! What does he suggest if that happens before your in-laws come to visit?

I agree - just phone them.

Imo you are setting yourself up for a big fall /huge dramatics by trying to treat both sets of dps the same. Especially as one set is close and the other hours away. Your dc will have a different relationship with each, set due to that dynamic alone.
Unless you intend to count hour for hour who gets to see the dc forever more??

He doesn't want to ring them. He wants to give them an ultrasound scan

He thinks that me telling my mum on her birthday (it's her 60th) is prioritising mine over his but its not my fault they live 3 hours away. I would love to be there to give them the news. I just don't want to get ill and wheezy (i'm asthmatic) at their house. Loratine (SP?) doesn't work on me which I know is safe during pregnancy.

My suggestions were:

• Telling them the weekend before the scan either at ours or at a pub near their house, announce the pregnancy and give them a call on the scan day confirming everything is/isn't OK
• Telling them the weekend after the scan, again either at a pub or our house confirming the pregnancy

or should they not be available

Telling them over the phone and then sending a personalised gift with ultrasound in the post.

I didn't want to budge about telling my mum on her birthday as I know he would want to do the same if it was his mum. Because he doesn't like my parents i'm somehow being unreasonable.

I think they'll be more annoyed finding out at say 20 weeks than just being told. Another issue we have is not trusting my mum to not tell anyone or to keep it a secret. I am going to say to both parents not to post it on Facebook.

I do love the idea of getting both sets of parents together for a meal and telling them at the same time. Thanks

Phone them? We told the IL’s over Facebook messenger this time (they live abroad). Also didn’t even consider making it ‘fair’, I told my mum at 8 weeks, my dad at around 10 weeks (they’re divorced) and the IL’s at 13 weeks. They’re all grown ups, they can handle being told at different times!

We sent a whatsapp Picture of the scan, him to his family via a group chat. Me to my mum. Both phones rang within seconds.

Nice and easy.

Yeah we sent a photo of the scan over Facebook messenger to the IL’s.

We told my mum and stepdad, my dad and my in laws over the phone.

He can tell them when he wants, you don't have to be present. If he wants you present then he needs to compromise.

It feels a bit like this is the start of many argument. Who do we tell the sex to first? Who do we tell the name to first? Who visits first after the birth and when?

In the scheme of things I don't think how the news is delivered is the most important thing. If you can't see them, call them. They will be happy whatever.

If you can't agree over this trivial thing how the hell are you going to agree on important things like schools etc.
Are you two sure your ready to bring a human up together?!

That's what i'm worried about doyoumind. I've said about not telling either parent when i'm in labour and I don't care who gets told about the birth first but I know he's just going to have a complex about what is fair for his parents when my parents only live 20 mins away.

Doesn't help that we don't have a great relationship with my parents and he does dislike them.

I'm just sick of being the only one to compromise.

I'm a nan and I can honestly say I really couldn't care if I was told first or not.
I think too much can be made of things like this and cause you unnecessary stress.
I remember people asking me if I would be nana, nan,nanny etc. And saying what they had claimed!
Who cares? There's a lovely new baby joining the family, all I cared about was they were all healthy and safe.

I'm starting to wonder that lottie

I thought we were on the same page and that we could co-parent together but the amount of arguments we've had recently, i'm wondering if I should have fallen pregnant with this person.

It took over a year to get pregnant so maybe it was a sign :(

None of our parents asked who was told first, why would they?! It would be a bizarre thing to make a fuss about.

My DH told his dad over the phone without telling me when I was about 9 weeks. His mum was in hospital at the time, so about a fortnight later when she came home his dad told her himself. I wanted to tell my parents in person, but they live so far away I had to wait until 12 weeks before I could see them. And then my mum ruined it by asking me outright on the phone two days before we were due to visit whether we were "still trying". Had to tell the truth. Gah! Then she told my dad, but I didn't realise, so that when we did visit two days later I was gearing up to tell him when he suddenly said. "So, got a bun in the oven then?" So all in all, it was a total disaster. Everyone found out separately, at the wrong time. But it was all hilarious and completely typical of our mad families and by that point we really didn't care! So my advice = don't sweat the small stuff. And congratulations!

I've never been bothered about who was told first per se. I wanted to tell my mum on her birthday as I thought it was a nice thing to do. (My OH would have wanted to do the same for his mum) Plus I don't 100% trust my mum to not tell anyone although i'm not sure.

It's him that's making an issue about it. He's no doubt going to be sulking with me now.

Could he feel perhaps left out that your the one carrying the baby and he wants to have some control over it with telling his family.seems like a bizarre thing to not agree on x

I will be telling my in laws as late as possible. They’re big mouths and likely to try to take over. My mum will know as soon as I do, so long as DP knows too, just in case anything happens and I need her support.

That might be it lottie he might be struggling with the lack of control and stressing about the pregnancy. That and the dislike of my parents who are overbearing at best.

It has made me feel better hearing your stories. Thank you