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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Accidentally pregnant, 1st time, at 40

36 replies

PencilTroll · 13/07/2018 20:23

Urgh. What a pickle.
Never wanted kids really, except when I was a kid myself,. Had a couple of terminations over the years when younger and no regrets, got married 2 years ago and both agreed we want to be child free.
Just got a positive pg test result after changing pills, now I realise it's now, or never.
I wanted to travel, change careers, learn new things, could I still do that with a kid?
It feels like I'd have to give up everything I wanted for my husband and I in exchange for no sleep and 20 years of no money and lots of demands.
I realise I sound incredibly selfish, I probably am. I like peace and quiet, time alone and being a master of my own destiny.
But is having a kid really the end of all your dreams?

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HollowTalk · 13/07/2018 20:24

It doesn't have to be, no. Or rather when I look back I don't think of the lost money or time - I think of all the love and affection we've shared.

lljkk · 13/07/2018 20:26

It's totally your decision.
I think it is harder to adjust to kids after about age 40, we get settled in our ways by then.
But kids are not a big pile of expensive misery, either.
Dervla Murphy travelled around the world with a small child she had when she was about 38yo. People can make it happen.

EllaNB · 13/07/2018 20:26

I don’t think having a child is the same as losing all your dreams, you can definitely do both, but you will lose your freedom, your alone time, and most of the other things you mentioned for the first few years.

tobee · 13/07/2018 20:29

You don't sound selfish. But you haven't said if you want a child now?

Somewhereoverthesanddune · 13/07/2018 20:31

I've travelled, changed career and learned a whole load of new things post kids. You can still do that.

However, having kids changes everything. Do you actually want a child? There is nothing wrong in not having children.

Example, I have travelled extensively with my kids, from the baby stage. Kids are great because it's often a direct connection with the local population that is much harder to make without kids. However, it is slower, harder and many more compromises. I recently went for a long weekend city break leaving the kids at home and I was in shock at how much more we managed to see without the kids and that wasn't particularly cramming it in.

Original poster

PencilTroll · 13/07/2018 20:33

Thank you everyone. I don't know if I do want to have one niw! Part of me does, probably nature kicking in, but I never have done up to now. I've always looked at people struggling with kids and felt so sorry for them, and relieved not to be them....

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Gladys123 · 13/07/2018 20:35

You do sound selfish and that is absolutely not a criticism! I just mean that you don't have kids so can be as selfish as you like. If you decide to keep the baby then obviously you won't just have yourself to think about. It's a big change. I found it very hard and i wanted children. I'm still selfish deep inside and tbh will be again when they leave home 😁 if you're not sure them maybe not for you? What does your partner think? Although obviously your decision. Sorry I hope this post hasn't offended you it isn't my intention.

Original poster

PencilTroll · 13/07/2018 20:36

For the first time recently I looked at my new neice, 6 months old, and felt I could really be happy with a baby like her. She's an angel, never cries, always sleeps thru, but if course there's no guarantee of any kind, I know. But if tge baby was a nightmare would I resent it? How did you cope with difficult babies?

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Original poster

PencilTroll · 13/07/2018 20:37

No offence taken at all. I enjoy the freedom I have to be selfish! Husband will change his mind if I do, he is very laid back either way.

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Quodlibet · 13/07/2018 20:42

I can only speak from personal experience obviously. My kids are 4.5 and 2; since their arrival I have finished a PhD, taken my company up a level, travelled and had a big wedding.
Saying that, yes, I do think that children bring immense sacrifices and I certainly miss the independence I used to have.
I think one child is massively different to having 2, as well. With one, once they reach about 4, you can get back into the swing of most stuff. One child is much easier to travel with, etc, and once they are in school you get some time back.
Having said all that, don't have a child because you feel you ought to want to have a child. That would be a terrible mistake.

Singlenotsingle · 13/07/2018 20:44

One child is a blessing. The problems only start when dc2 comes along.

starspangledbanner · 13/07/2018 20:46

I think it would be hard enough if you were 40 and wanted kids - because it really is knackering, relentless and thankless a lot of the time. I'm still in the thick of the early yrs so may not be able to give an unbiased opinion here!

Yes, there are lovely parts, of course. I love my child more than anything and when things are good it is truly wonderful and I have absolutely no regrets. However, when things are bad, yes, there have been times I have regretted becoming a parent and miss the simplicity of life before.

The loss of freedom, noise, impact on career and relationship and just the enormity of being responsible for another human being is really not something to take lightly. You just cannot comprehend it until you're living it. Which doesn't make your decision any easier.

Theworldisfullofgs · 13/07/2018 20:47

It changes your life completely. In some ways that are great and in other ways that are difficult. Mine are getting grown up (11 and 16) and are very funny and great company. They are my first priority and that's what you have to be aware of. But I've leant new things (done a M.A), travelled with them, changed career and started own business.
I wouldn't not have them ever. And I occassimallt look at my childless sister's lives and think how much easier they are, if not so full.

ParkheadParadise · 13/07/2018 20:48

I accidentally fell pregnant at 38. I didn't find out till I was nearly 5mths. Shocked doesn't come close to how I felt. Dd1 was 23years old.
Dd2 is 19mths and one of the best thing's that's happened to us.

ParisNext · 13/07/2018 20:49

Try not to think of this as having a "baby" and all the short term challenges that can or can't bring. Think about the child/young person/adult you would quickly have as a son or daughter. My eldest is 8 and whereas I used to be desperate for a day to myself etc (as he didn't go to nursery), I now hope that we can fit in a day just me and him doung something nice and chatting. I felt like this when he reached 6. We travel the world and have adventures and have done more post kids than before. Honestly, if I had my time again I would pay for more childcare in the home and get a cleaner/home help. I tried to do too much- it's not worth it! So don't worry about having s baby just think about having a family.

starspangledbanner · 13/07/2018 20:50

PS - I had a very high maintenance baby who is now a very precocious 3.5 yr old. Up until very recently it has been a hard slog. We have turned a corner and he is mostly wonderful, but you may not get that sunny laid back baby.....

starspangledbanner · 13/07/2018 20:51

PPS (sorry!) - I only have one and I have realised that is the limit of my capabilities.

One is a great number

faofjamp · 13/07/2018 20:52

do you think there's a chance you will regret it if you don't go through with it? It's not easy for the first couple of years, but does get a lot easier later. Also if your partner is supportive it should help....

ILoveDolly · 13/07/2018 20:55

I hope you come to a decision that works for you.
I just wanted to say that, I did not think I liked children and did not want them. When I fell pregnant with my first I was married but no plans to have children. I even went ahead and booked in for termination but it did not feel like the right thing to do and after I accepted that, I gradually came to accept it. Fast forward, I loved the baby and as I was younger than you, went on to have more.
I don't think there is a wrong choice here. If you don't continue with it you will have your old life back. If you do, you will get a new life which will have ups and downs, pros and cons. No one can tell you now what that journey will hold. A baby at 40 carries health risks. But there is also enormous potential for joy and transformation.
Only you know what you are willing to accept. Spend time talking with your Dh but also listen to yourself. Meditate or pray or sit quiet which ever you prefer, you need to let your feelings guide you as there is no knowing.

ILoveDolly · 13/07/2018 20:57

Sorry the younger bit sounded shit, I just meant I was in my 20s so I had time to build my family then. My SIL had her kids at 40 and 42 it is not that I think you are too old!!! Older mums have wonderful like few experience to add to parenting

ILoveDolly · 13/07/2018 20:58

*life
Sigh

Somersetlady · 13/07/2018 20:59

You can still do anything you want albeit slower and with no planning.

The hardest part to adjust to (as an older mum) is that you don’t think about how you are either responsible for them or have to arrange for someone else to be responsible for them every minute of everyday of the year forever.

Somersetlady · 13/07/2018 21:01

*More planning! Not no planning.

And obviously not forever but my eldest is only 4 so it currently feels like forever!

lljkk · 13/07/2018 21:01

Having a child does mean putting someone else first. This is indisputable. But not first in every way at every moment forever.

Don't have a child if you can't put someone else first most of the time for long stretches (months) of your life.

Original poster

PencilTroll · 13/07/2018 21:03

Thank you everyone who has given their thoughts this is such wonderful food for thought.
Paris, that's great advice as I am most definitely thinking about it all as if it would be a baby forever.
Dolly, thank you, i will meditate over this over the coming days,
Faofjamp, yes I am worried I will regret it, but also that I will regret giving up the child free life I planned

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