Accidentally pregnant, 1st time, at 40

[PencilTroll]

Urgh. What a pickle.
Never wanted kids really, except when I was a kid myself,. Had a couple of terminations over the years when younger and no regrets, got married 2 years ago and both agreed we want to be child free.
Just got a positive pg test result after changing pills, now I realise it's now, or never.
I wanted to travel, change careers, learn new things, could I still do that with a kid?
It feels like I'd have to give up everything I wanted for my husband and I in exchange for no sleep and 20 years of no money and lots of demands.
I realise I sound incredibly selfish, I probably am. I like peace and quiet, time alone and being a master of my own destiny.
But is having a kid really the end of all your dreams?

I have a 17yr old DD
From 2005-2017 she lived with her Dad 100 miles away. Regular and happy contact between all parties. So in a sense I got to be independent and live my life and develop as a person. I'm now 38 and I would love to have a child with my DP but if it ever happens its gonna be a huge change in my life and everytime AF comes although there's disappointment there is also a little bit of relief that I can still live my adult life.
I honestly don't know if I'd have been a totally different person if she had lived with me for those years.

The reality of kids is hard. When nothing you do stops them crying. When you feel like you lose your own name and you are just mum.
When your friends boast about exotic holidays and you smile through gritted teeth, as you lever a stiff as a board howling, fighting, hair-grabbing toddler into the car for a staycation (again)

I love my daughter and it has been amazing watching her develop into me at the worst of my teenage horrors, payback for my DM
But if you make the decision to keep think carefully about YOU. I grew my human at 20yrs old and I was lucky everything kinda went back into place. Now? It's a lot to ask of a body that I've not really taken as good care of as I should. It changes your body, your personality and your goals.
It's perfectly OK to say No I get one life and I'm free to choose how I live it and if that means terminating a pregnancy that you aren't completely sure you want to turn into a real live bonded to you for life human, then that's OK too.

for me, 1 has definitely been enough! I found the first four years gruelling, but that said I'm a single parent with no support. Now he's 5 it's completely different. I also made the mistake of trying to do too much at once. If I did it again I would give myself more of a break (not work so much, for example.). So, totally hated it for the first few years but now I wouldn't change it for the world! I think my experience is probably worse than a lot of people's in being a single mum with no support. If you do decide to go for it, don't feel guilty about using whatever support is available e.g. family, or putting the kid in childcare etc. It makes it more bearable. Enjoying it so much now though! Completely different. I think different people are different around kids of different ages. Some are baby people, some aren't - and are more down with older kids etc.

I also think the money thing is not so much of an issue when they are little. You won't get to go out as much (!) so will probably save on the social front. I think it's when they get older they cost a bit more money, but it doesn't have to break the bank. Depends on your standards as well and lifestyle....

but of course childcare is expensive when they are small..!

My friends were like you. Their only DD is now 13 and they're all off to a festival together! The first few years were a shock but with only one child by age 3-4 things are a lot easier. Their DD is mature and fun and hugely popular having been brought up by two relaxed older parents.

The DH of the couple had a health scare a while ago and my friend and her daughter were a big support to each other. They're also quite pleased about the prospect of grandchildren one day!

I always imagined my life with children in it but never worked out how to square that with the senior management level frequent travel career that I had. In the intervening years I have stepped away and given up my career and there are times that I regret the loss but I couldn't be the mum I wanted to be if I had kept it. If I had kniwn what it would have cost me.... I am not sure that i would have done it, but the desire to have children and give them the life that they have (we are currently touring Europe on a 1970'school campervan) was greater than my desire to pursue my career while dreaming of another life. (I did dream of this other life, a point I think is significant) I have learned new skills and travelled since.. and will continue to do so and I hope before long to get into a career in find fulfilling which fits along side my family that I can grow as they grow away from the nest.

Meditating and listening to your inner voice will help. If you spend the next 20 years battling to keep your life the same, you will fail but of you visualise your life with a child in it and can see the compromises and the benefits thenot you will succeed.

@PencilTroll

I can entirely relate to what you said. Didn't want children, had a good job and a very active social life, travelled frequently for work and pleasure . I was somewhat surprised to find myself pregnant at 35 but I couldn't rationalise having a termination despite having a rocky relationship with her dad

The first few years were horrendous (felt like a part of me had gone and that I was totally useless) but I also felt like this new life was my responsibility and I needed to do the best I could. Separated from her dad very quickly

And now? Well, I have a 16 yo DD who is my best friend in the world and is my pride and joy.
And guess what.... I still have a good job, I still have a social life (albeit less active) I still travel for pleasure (and enjoy it even more with her than anyone else - first foreign holiday with her was at 9 months).... but I don't do the travel for work (which I don't miss in the slightest). She came to restaurants with me from when she was a baby so knew how to behave, she was welcome at friends dinners and if she got tired she would have a nap in her buggy, if she got bored we would take it in turns to play with her (and that includes childless friends)....she just became part of my everyday life. Life and fun didn't stop it just changed shape slightly

Anyone who tells you the first couple of years are easy probably isn't telling the truth- they are a damned hard slog. Then it starts to become great as they become little people and then even better as they become your little friend.

It's a big decision but you need to make the right one for you not anyone else.

Oh, and one was my limit too. I haven't got the patience for anymore and my life would have definitely been changed irrevocably

Sorry haven’t read the comments yet so apologies for hopefully repeating what has already been said..

You think you are selfish. It’s okay to be selfish! You have chosen in the past not to have children so that no one suffers.

I wouldn’t say having children is the end of ones dreams even if you aren’t naturally inclined to be maternal etc. But, you do have to think about what’s fair - there are plenty of people who grow up with emotionally absent parents and I certainly don’t think that not wanting children means you would be a bad mother - but it is a big thing to consider, the emotional needs of a child.

There was a good thread recently made by a mum who was worried about how long her child was spending in nursery - and plenty of parents commented that there child was in childcare full time - so while we aren’t perfect, society is adapting to the fact that people need and sometimes want to work FT while having a small child - it’s not a detriment as long as the child has consistent care.

Yes travelling is possible with small children but you need to be prepared to adapt your plans and types of holiday to an extent while they are small. Still completely doable though.

You may find it’s a wonderful journey and bonding experience for you and your DH. But I’d say you need to be happy and confident in your decision to have this child first, because otherwise every time something goes wrong you will be resenting each other for the situation. Babies are tiring and need a lot of care, even though it’s a lovely time, but they aren’t small children forever.

We didn't adapt our types of holidays but we do take it slower and are more likely to book private transport than use public transport (after a horrific Thailand episode where we somehow ended up on the teenage backpacker trail for a bit). I think part of that would have come with age anyway. Our first trip with two under two I do remember seeing some other tourists just come into a coffee shop and sit down and have a coffee without a care in the world and I may have hated them a little :)

My kids are 8 and 9. Up until the youngest was about 5 it was hard work and I did not enjoy the baby toddler years much (they had their moments but it was draining). Now I can actually talk to them they're great except when trying to kill each other .

It's a really hard choice but you need to try and work out what would be worse - having a child and regretting it or not having one and regretting it. I wasn't desperate for kids (and I'm not very maternal) but for me the latter won out.

I think it's unlikely you would regret having a child. But your life does change completely and it is hard to be selfish when you're responsible for keeping another human alive. I have a toddler DD and am pregnant with DD #2. She makes me smile and laugh and proud every single day. And she also drives me absolutely mad and long for time on my own!!! Only you can decide what you want. Nothing can really prepare you for it. But as hard as it often can be, I feel as I imagine 99.9% of other mothers do - I don't regret having my children for one second!

It has taken DH and I 13 years to decide to have a baby (and I am only having one). We've had a great time just us and I know it's going to be a tough few years, plus I find age 2-4 absolutely exhausting (I used to do childcare in my late teens in school holidays) but I know soon enough it'll be a little person who I can befriend! As someone else said, they aren't babies forever.