Expectant Father After Some Advice Please

[TheExpectantFather]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post so please be gentle .

I'm trying to run a series about things an Expectant Father should know to make it easier for his partner during her pregnancy.

I've already had some advice, here

expectant-father.7879designs.com/i-wish-id-known-part-1/

If any of you have any tips that you'd be prepared to pass on then please can you either e-mail them to me at ian(at)7879designs(dot)com or leave a comment on my blog.

Thanks very much for your help, Ian.
expectant-father.7879designs.com/

hello, and welcome to mn.

Firstly, she is not ill, but she may be very very tired, do not assume that she wants you to do everything, but offer it in case she does. If you get it wrong, you are liable to get a frying pan wrapped round your head.

Never, ever, under any circumstances mention the word "hormones"

Any baby-related item that you want to buy, be prepared to use yourself.

Thanks for that Squonk,

I've been quite lucky when it comes to the frying pan beatings. None so far, but I'm not resting on my laurels.

Was there one thing that you'd wished your partner had done to make your pregnancy a bit easier for you? Or was that not mentioning the word 'hormones'?

Cooked my dinner! I was often so tired and the smell of cooking made me feel queasy - would have been so nice if i was presented with food a few times a week!

Also back rubs later on, and help doing up my shoes

Good Luck

During the contractions midwives usually say to the mum, 'lean into your
partner for support', 'partner rub mums back'. Please do not be offended if mum says get away/get off me.
I personally couldn't bear to be touched whilst having a contraction.

Totally agree with Squonk and Janitor! To their comments I would add:

Pretend that you find the foetus as fascinating as she does (in reality I think most expectant fathers don't properly get engrossed until after the birth). Be prepared for serious discussions over patterns of kicking, times of day, types of queasiness, position of kicks, shape of belly, position of stretchmarks... etc etc etc.

It is impossible for the father-to-be to do too much housework/cooking.

Tell her that you love her/still find her sexy/think she has never looked more beautiful as many times a day as possible. If you think you have said it enough times, say it once more. This goes double after the birth.

Be prepared to take advantage of the times she is feeling sexy, and be good humoured about the times when she doesn't. Most pregnant women get ragingly horny at certain points in the pregnancy and go completely off it at other points. Make hay while the sun shines!

If she says she is feeling crap/rough/knackered, do not respond by saying "oh yes, me too." Again, this goes double during/after the birth.

Make the most of being a couple while you still can. It is the last time it will just be the two of you.

Remember she loves you too - even if she forgets to tell you that sometimes. It is easy to feel so overwhelmed by pregnancy and motherhood that you forget you are still a wife/lover. This too will pass.

A bit of solidarity! Not saying that father should not drink or eat raw eggs just because we can't but getting arseholed at parties whilst we collapse in corner out of fatigue and then have to drive home is NOT helpful!

yeah, during labour, whilst you obviously want to listen to the midwives, your partner does actually know what she wants, listen to her more.

I was really lucky with dd2 and ds because dp was great - he was understanding when I was knackered, and not patronising.

The one thing he could have done to make things easier was not get drunk for the last month or so, every time he had a few drinks, I would lie awake worrying about what would happen if I did go into labour now - he's too pissed to take me to the hospital, and I would be way to embarrassed to have him with me. As it happens, I went into labour with dd2 at 10 in the morning, and had her at 7.45 the next morning so he had no chance to have a drink, and ds was an elective cs so he had no chance there either. But I worried about it. (he's not an alcy btw, just his regular one night a week out with the lads)

If she says she needs new bed linin, or that the tilet must be bleached after every use, or that the tops of the doors have to be disinfected, do it. Or she will sob with big, gutwrenching sobs, for hours, and you'll feel like a turd. It's not that it needs to be done, it's that she needs it to be done, or she can't settle.

And when the baby arrives, if she says something is too dangerous, let her have her way. Even if it seems insane to you.

Because if you don't, one of two things will happen.

1. She will concede to your wishes, and go slowly and silently insane with worry.

2. She rip your still beating heart out of your chest and stamp on it while screaming "How could you even say such a ^thing!?"

Because you know mother bears? They're a bunch of pansies compared to human new mothers.

You Have Beeen Warned!

Thanks for that all.

MissGolightly I have noted those points down very carefully.

I've sometimes fallen into the trap of what was right yesterday (or 5 minutes ago) is now wrong.

How easy did you all find it to communicate with your partners during pregnancy? Did you find that they didn't understand how you were felling or did you find that you didn't know how you'd feel one moment to the next?

Ian
expectant-father.7879designs.com/

Don't think that because you've had a refreshing nights sleep that she has too, let her sleep whenever she manages to.

If she's feeling so sick that she can't even look at food, don't cook something really stinky for yourself.

Don't try and make the birth all about you!

When she's done all the feeds, all the night-time changes and her rear-end is still inside-out, don't keep her up late snivelling about "feeling left out".

And don't, ever, ever, ever get pissy, about anything. Because she won't have the energy to deal with your strop.

(From the heart, these )

My dh has this saying at the moment of 'your pregnant, not dying!'If he says it again the frying pan will be out the cuboard quicker than anything! Please don't say it to your partner!!
Just be there for her when she needs it and if she does keep saying 'i'm just tired/ not feeling right' your answer should be 'ok darling, do you want me to do anything' and not 'you say that constantly!'

Don't get me wrong, I lnve my dh but he drives me mad sometimes and just doesn't think.

I think what you are doing is fantastic and your partner is very lucky to have such a caring daddy to be!

also, it is not a competition to see which of you is the most tired/sick/fat/fed up

If she says she is tired (and this applies equally after the birth as through pregnancy), then you stroke her and be sympathetic. You do not under any circumstances (ANY circumstances) say "well you think you're tired, I only had two hours sleep and that was uncomfortable as your knees were digging in my back"

If she says she feels sick, you offer to go to the shop to get some arrowroot biscuits, you do NOT say "well you should have had the 16 pints and the curry that I did last night, then you'd know what feeling sick is"

you're getting the picture here, I'm sure

And she is not fat, she is keeping your baby warm.

not sure if its been mentioned already but I would have loved it if I had a dh who was interested in the whole PG thing.

When I was PG with ds3 I vividly remeber DH touching my belly for the first time without being asked/forced too.

I was washing up and he stood behind me and put both hands on my belly.

I was 28 weeks!!!!!
That was the first time he'd touched it with both hands at all...28 weeks FGS!!!

It wasn't much better with ds4, even after 4 children he stil has no idea about anything PG related.

oh and also not all PG women feel sexy during pregnancy.

some, like me, are frankly horrified atthe thought of sex.

My DH think PG women who have made crazy sex drives are a myth.

Oh, and when she's actually in labour, and she's screaming that it f&*%$()g HURTS!!!, don't ever, ever^ mention that your arm is cramping up because you've been rubbing her back for the last three hours.

You may just get a whack from the midwife as well as your beloved partner.

Enjoy!

not sure what stage she's at but NOW is the time to really understand the housework and what counts as done 'properly', don't leave it till the baby is here and do it so badly she feels obliged to take over (says she who was greeted by a mountain of laundry on the kitchen table when ariiving back from hospital and STILL fumes about it).

Read the pg/baby books too. Be interested.

Oh and under no circumstances be found watching TV totty too intently in latter stages of pregnancy. Comparisons are rarely flattering after 4 months.

Stay calm during labour and don't mention the cost of the car parking repeatedly. Yes it costs a fortune but no, she can't hurry up.

but the fact that you're asking pretty much says you'll be fine.

Ask her how she feels and just accept what she says, even if it is remarkably inconsistent.

Tell her you still love her, find her attractive etc. She is undergoing the most profound change to her body and her identity. As the preg progresses she will cease to be herself and just be a preg woman to the outside world. I really needed dh to remember that I was me as well.

Point her in the direction of MN!!

Dh's motto was that I looked after ds (he couldn't b/f after all!) and that he looked after me. He was utterly involved with ds but it was so fantastic to not have to worry about all the other stuff and to just be able to focus on ds in the early days.

You are clearly a lovely man for even coming on here and asking in the first place. I wish you both well and look forward to hearing about the arrival of your lo!

Particularly towards the later stages of her pg plan a really nice, but easy for her, day out and really focus on her..say I dunno, afternoon tea in a plush hotel or something..whatever will be apropriate for her..make a real fuss of her and remind her how grateful you are fo all that she is going through to bring your child into the world..this will make her feel really special and appreciated..and like you have been paying attention to her and taking her seriously,when she has been complaining about her pg symptoms..(even if you havent really been listening with more than half an ear)

NB When on second or subsequent kids this goes double..a day off, just for the two of you away from other children will mean the world!

Thanks for all you replies.

I'll put them together to make a Mums net entry then post a link back.

Cheers for all the advice, I'm sure my wife will appreciate it

Ian
expectant-father.7879designs.com

Is it too late to add one? Remember to tell your DP/DW that you know she is going to be a fabulous mother. She will be having small doubts if this is her first, and it means such a lot to hear from others (especially DH) that they have faith in you.

Never tell her you know how she feels. Grounds for instant divorce!!!!

Go with her wants when she's in labour.

Please don't crack jokes or keep asking her questions. She needs to "go into her zone" and let her body do what it does best. Keep it calm and reassuring for her. She'll want privacy and security to give birth.

In short... if she says "rub my back" you rub. If she then screams "take your hands off of me" (whilst using language that makes a Sailor blush) then take your hands off.

Check your ego at the door!!!!!!!!!!!

btw... hope to see you posting across the forum. Mostly we're not a bad bunch. Once you've made LDC you'll be considered a favoured member of MN

and the LDC is fab!

I am gutted that at the moment I have no oven and cannot make it. Littlies keep putting lemons in the trolley at Tesco, and I have to take them out again

Back to the question: Ask her at regular intervals how big the baby is now, and appear interested when she tells you that it is the size of a peanut, or that it now has all its own eyelashes. It is an amazing thing - be amazed.