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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How to tell someone struggling to conceive that I'm pregnant

27 replies

nosleepforoverayear · 11/07/2018 14:19

My older sister has been trying to conceive for 4 years now. She is almost 40 and they are starting fertility treatment at the moment. During this time I have given birth to my dc. She really struggled when I was pregnant and made some very snide remarks along the way, despite knowing I had had a late miscarriage a few months before. I tried to be patient as I understood how much she would have liked to be having a baby too. However since I had the baby she has been very supportive and loves my dc very much. I know it's not easy for her, and have tried to encourage her to be as involved as she wants to be. In recent months I think struggling to conceive has become even more difficult. She has found it impossible to visit the babies of her close friends and has broken down about how much she wants one of her own on numerous occasions. I feel so desperate for her and wish there was something I could do to help. Anyway fast forward to this morning and I've discovered I'm pregnant again. I had an early miscarriage last month which we did not tell anyone about, and we decided not to try again for a few months. So to realise I'm pregnant has been a total surprise. Obviously it's early, but my first thought was how will I tell my sister without causing her more pain or distress. I don't want her to be the last to know, but equally I don't want to cause her anymore pain. Can anyone offer me some advice on how to handle this? I think it is inevitable she will be upset by the news, but I want to handle this as sensitively as possible. Thanks for your help.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

blackbirdbluebottle · 11/07/2018 14:21

I would bring it up gently that you are pregnant and try not to seem to happy/braggy. Your sister will be happy for you although will be jealous which is understandable. Just try to say that she will become a mum at some point and she can be as involved as much as she wants

blackbirdbluebottle · 11/07/2018 14:22

Just basically ask her how much she wants to be involved and you understand if you don’t want to mention it around her

Purplepjs · 11/07/2018 14:23

HI. Firstly, congratulations!! I wonder if it would best to tell her by text or email, rather than face to face? That way she can deal with her inevitable mixed feelings in privacy/ with her partner without the pressure of needing to put on a brave face straight away? It’s such a tough situation and I’m certain she will be happy for you. But yes, it will be hard for her to hear. You sound very understanding and you can’t and shouldn’t hide your happy news. Best of luck.

InDubiousBattle · 11/07/2018 14:26

I'd wait for now, then tell her by text, et mail or phone (maybe at a time you know her partner will be with her)a short time before you're planning on telling everyone else, that way she can have her reaction in private and have a couple of days to try and come to terms with it.

blackbirdbluebottle · 11/07/2018 14:31

Ignore the other posters do not tell her by text! She is your sister she will regret you not doing it in person. It's best to do it face to face or at least over the phone

loopylass13 · 11/07/2018 14:31

Since you had a miscarriage only last month, I would say that you are too early along to confide in others. I think give yourself a few months to get used to the unexpected news and also ensure this pregnancy sticks. I am not trying to be heartless, but realistic. I think break the news to your family once you are 5+ months.

Itsoverthere · 11/07/2018 14:32

Congratulations! had a similar situation with DH's best friend, shes like a sister so very close. We knew they'd been trying for several years and going through second cycle of IVF. We agonised over it but in the end he texted her. It was the best way to deal with a difficult situation and the right thing for her at the time. I feel for you OP it is hard.

Celebelly · 11/07/2018 14:32

I'd also recommend by text. Face to face means the person is forced into choosing a reaction right away and that can be very difficult to deal with. It's a lot easier to deal with if you can digest it at your own speed and not try to hide your own emotions. I've seen a lot of ladies struggling with infertility on here recommend this approach.

LiquoricePickle · 11/07/2018 14:34

Congratulations! I definitely don't think you need to wait until 5+months. Seriously? Unless she just doesn't see her family until then, she's going to find it hard to hide.

I second the telling her gently, in a way that gives her space to process before she has to respond.

headinhands · 11/07/2018 14:45

I would probably call her when you know she's not busy and at home

Fivelittleduckies · 11/07/2018 14:51

I also think telling her via text/chat would be kindest in giving her space to have her own reaction first.... face to face can feel quite confronting and may lead to both of you feeling hurt/upset by the other.

Congratulations and good luck

crazychemist · 11/07/2018 15:45

Congratulations! Seconding pps who say to tell her first and not in person. That gives her space to react as she needs to. She'll be grieving for herself, so won't be able to celebrate for you just yet.
You can just keep it to yourself and DH for a bit, and hope that your DSis conceives in the meantime. 5 months seems a bit long to me, and with a second pregnancy you'll probably be showing well before then. Perhaps after your 12 week scan?

Original poster

nosleepforoverayear · 11/07/2018 15:58

Thanks for the advice. Having experienced losing a baby at 20 weeks and at 5 weeks, I understand the risks. but personally I find it better to tell people so they are understanding if anything does go wrong. I also think it would be hard to hide for 5 months! The issue is I am going on holiday next week with in laws and think it will be obvious when I'm not drinking that I am pregnant. I can obviously ask them to keep it a secret if they guess, but I thought it was more sensitive to tell my sister first. As you all advise, I want to give her time to digest the news. When I lost my first baby I was on the receiving end of another family members pregnancy news in front of lots of people. They had obviously kept it a secret from me to be sensitive, but i had to really stop myself crying as they took me by surprise, and I don't want to put my sister in a similar position by being the last to know.

OP posts:

dellie84 · 13/07/2018 19:53

My friend had a stillbirth not long before I found out I was pregnant so I sent her a card so she could read and respond at her own rate. She later said she did have a cry, but it was very thoughtful xxx

myotherbagisgucci · 13/07/2018 22:48

I can empathise with your sister, DH and I struggled for 7 long years and during this time, 3 relatives had 5 pregnancies between them.

Each time I heard their announcements, my heart would break with jealousy. I didn't speak to all 3 of them during their pregnancies!

One of my relatives texted me prior to her announcement and I just deleted it. I didn't even congratulate her

I'm utterly ashamed of myself for feeling this way, and if I could take it back I would, but at the time I just couldn't help it.

My only advice would be, not to tell her in person and to write a letter. Let your sister deal with her emotions in private and although she may not jump up and down for you with joy, she'll eventually come around. I'd also tell her your struggles and this might actually bring you closer together on this matter!

I wish you all the luck in your pregnancy and congratulations!

Jamahi · 13/07/2018 22:55

I would say to tell her by text message. I've been trying to conceive for 4 years and most people have told me they are expecting by text , so I can tell them I'm happy for them and ask questions, show some interest, but as I'm alone I am able to have a little cry to myself

MrsDrambuie · 14/07/2018 08:21

I was trying for 2 years and I much preferred to find out other people’s pregnancy news by text / card. 1 of my friends had really wanted to tell me in person but thank goodness she didn’t, she didn’t know it but she was the 5th person to announce a pregnancy in a 2-week period, I just broke down in tears (at home, with my husband).

After that, my husband and I agreed that I should see a counsellor and through my work I had 6 counselling sessions over a 3-month period. I mention that because it helped massively. So OP maybe you could suggest that to your sister (clearly, picking a good moment, on a different day to when you inform her of your pregnancy).

Merename · 14/07/2018 08:26

How do you think she will feel about being told face to face or otherwise? My instinct is that telling her by text is awful, however pps have said that others on MN have said they'd prefer this, which then is valuable advice. To me the card suggestion seems better if you're not doing it face to face. And depends on your relationship. I haven't been in this situation but my sister and I are close and I can't imagine not telling her in person.

PurpleDaisies · 14/07/2018 08:33

Look at the responses on threads on the infertility section with people who are in your sister’s position.

Do not tell her face to face. It’s absolutely awful to have to put on a brave face and not start crying. As well as feeling sad and jealous that you’re not pregnancy, you feel bad that you can’t even react normally to happy news.

Just try to say that she will become a mum at some point and she can be as involved as much as she wants

Absolutely do not say this. She may well not become a mum. Not all fertility treatment is successful.

Congratulations.

physicskate · 14/07/2018 08:44

I agree with purple daisies. I was told shortly after an early miscarriage of mine at a dinner party with loads of friends. This precipitated a serious decline in my mental health.

Your sister will be happy for you but grieving for herself (she grieves constantly). The worst thing that I experienced was when I mentioned to my aunt we were struggling and she said something like 'there's a child out there that will love to have you as a mum'. She said it while hugging me and I nearly died...

I like the card idea. Sensitivity is best: mentioning giving her space to process but that you want to speak to her when she's ready...

bluebird3 · 14/07/2018 08:44

I have been in your sister's position for the last 3.5 years. I was having a mc from my latest ivf treatment (she knew) when my sister rang to tell me she was pregnant. It was awful and I haven't really forgiven her a year later. Forcing me to pretend to be happy and say 'congratulations' while I was dying inside was the worst feeling I've ever had. Send a text.

PurpleDaisies · 14/07/2018 08:49

The only trouble with the card idea is you can’t control when it arrives. At least with a text you can pick a “good” time when she’s most likely to be at home without anything to have to put a happy face on for.

Annab1983 · 14/07/2018 09:00

I have been the person trying for 5 years and having to have fertility treatment, while everyone around me completed their families, please do not tell her face to face!
when I was starting treatment 3 people announced their pregnancies by text, thank god they did that as I was very upset, briefly each time, not only that I wasn’t pregnant yet but that I was going through stressful and invasive treatment to just have a shot (with not great odds) at getting pregnant whereas others conceived quickly or by accident.. then feeling awful for feeling that way! I recovered quickly and was able to congratulate them sincerely but I needed a few minutes to myself before I could do that.
definitely tell her though before she finds out if her treatment works (if it’s ivf) as it would be worse if her cycle failed and then getting the news.. if it works then great you are pregnant together, thankfully that happened to me 🙂 infertility is so incredibly painful and reactions can be unpredictable- a thoughtful text a few days before you see her would be ideal. Sorry for your previous losses I have had experience of that too and told people early also I understand that completely, wishing you well in your pregnancy!

stegosauruslady · 14/07/2018 09:10

One of my dearest friends has been TTC for bloody ages, while at the same time loads of us have got pregnant, and in one case, had two babies.

I went with the sending a message approach, as I didn't want her to have to pretend to be super happy for us. According to her DP, she was upset, but she is also super practical and logical and by the time I saw her next she was happy for us and excited.

Astella22 · 14/07/2018 09:27

I’m also this person I’ve tried for years and have had multiple losses and multiple rounds of IVF. My sister started trying at the same time as me and has since had two beautiful kids. I hated that my initial reaction couldn’t be filled with delight for her but I just broke down each time. The first time she was pregnant my Mam told me apparently they had all sat down and discussed how best to tell me the news and the second time was by txt. I found the txt way miles better it allowed me the space to compose myself before seeing her. Oh course I was delighted for her but my own heartache just bubbled up and I cried. I wish everyday I didn’t feel this way with peoples pregnancy news but the feelings are so raw as it’s a failure every month.
Receiving a txt for me is the best way.
Hope it goes well for you.
Best of luck with your pregnancy

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