Broody

[Chinchilla]

I;m not sure if this is the best forum for this topic, but here goes. One of my better 'mum' friends (her son is also ds' 'best' friend) has just had a lovely baby boy. Ds and I visited them yesterday, and I obviously had a cuddle. I felt so broody, and all the old feelings flooded back about bf'ing and new-borns.

I am so chuffed for her of course, and have never felt this way about other friends' babies, even though I knew that I did want another one. Since yesterday, I have felt tearful at the thought of not having another one (dh does not want one), and don't know what to do. How am I going to reconcile myself to this feeling of loss anf grieving? It is 99.9% certain that dh and I will never have another child, because of many reasons, most of which I do agree with, or acceot. I just can't stop my body wanting another child.

Until now, I thought that I could cope with seeing friends' babies, as I have not had this strong feeling before. Could it be because I feel a strong friendship with the mother that I almost care for her chld in a motherly way? Or could it just be timing? I have recently changed my ADs and these seem to allow a flow of tears, where my other ones didn't, so could it be that I am just more emotional anyway?

Has anyone been here and dealt with it?

I would say that you are far from alone and i'm sure that because this person is such a close friend it is only natural that you would have a more maternal feel for her baby than that of a more distant friend. I have two dd's but still get tearful if i ever think about not being able to have another and just don't feel i could possibly accept it but i do, however, tell myself that that is a perfectly normal way to feel and that alot of it is down to hormones and nature.

You're probablt right. However, I always wanted two children, and feel cheated in a way. Would probably still feel broody for a third if I had a second though!

It's alot harder to accept if you've always dreamed of 2 children....would it help to think how lucky you are to at least have one? I always thought when i had 1 that i'd be happy but then i got broody and now i'm broody again so i do appreciate how difficult it is plus when someone you know gets pregnant etc it is difficult not to be envious about what they're experiencing because it is such a wonderful miracle. May i ask why your partner does not want another, would he change his mind if he knew how much you wanted one?

Yes, he knows, without a shadow of a doubt. He does feel bad, but has his reasons, which ARE valid. That only makes it harder.

I have discivered that I am more emotional about a lot of things, as I had tears in my eyes reading Michelle from Lakeland's message from the grave in the last catalogue. This was this am. So, I am probably more emotional about my friend's baby because of this. However. the yearning is still there.

Now I have discovered that my SIL is pg with her fourth child. I am really happy for her of course, and do not begrudge her her child, I just want one of my own. It seems so unfair that she is 'allowed' 4, when my dh won't agree to a second.

How am I ever going to reconcile myself to not having any more, or is it going to drive a permanent wedge between me and dh?

Me again I have tonight discovered that a friend of ours is expecting her third child. It is an accident, and she is not too pleased (I think), but her dh is. I just don't know what to do. I am surrounded by pg women, or friends with babies. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for them, but what about me. I can't talk about it to dh. He knows exactly how I feel, but he feels completely the opposite, and there is no compromise in this situation. I'm not doing at all well on my ADs, and have ballooined in weight. I lost over 2 st last year/early this year, and have put it all back on, and I think more, but have not dared weigh myself. My ADs are meant to increase appetite, but I can't blame it entirely on them. I have been so unhappy that I just eat and eat.

I keep a front on most of the time, but it is getting harder. Why is my life so unfair? That sounds so selfish, because I have my lovely ds, but he is growing up so quickly, and away from me. That is good I know, but I always expected to have two children, and it just feels so hard to come to terms with.

I know no-one can really say anything to change how I feel, or help really, but I just need to know that I am not alone.

sweetie, so sorry you feel so low. I really do understand your feelings about wanting another baby, I also know that i want 2 (or three!) but dh also wants 2, so god willing.... have you talked to your dh about this recently, or is it something you agreed to some time ago? It sounds like you are feeling very very down in general... when was the last time you spoke to your GP about your ads? (my dd is wimpering upstairs, so may have to go... dont take offence, will check back here tomorrow though)

chinchilla,
Sorry i don't know much about your situation apart from what i have read on this thread.
Sometimes people suffer depression for no apparant reason, it is some kind of imbalance. sometimes there is a another reason for their depression - i.e. not being fulfilled in life etc.
I really don't know your circumstances, but if deep down you are depressed because you have a longing for another child you feel you will never have, then i think some serious discussions between you and DH are in order.
Other wise it will drive you apart.

i try not to admit it, but im very broody, but im in a situation where i couldnt have another baby for at least another 2 or 3 years. my dd is 20 months, and i always imagined i would be trying to get myself pregnant now so there are only about 2 or 3 years apart from them. i dont like the idea of dd being 5 or 6 by the time i have my next child gets me down a little bit, but i try not to think about it otherwise itd open up a can of worms lol

oops posted before i was finished!

like spod said, have you spoken to dh about it? and is he adamant about not having another one? are there any other reasons why you're down or is it just mostly about wanting another child? hugs xxx

Dh and I have had many chats about it. His reasons for not wanting another are all valid (too long to go into), and I know that he is probably right. However, my body is LONGING for another. I can't forsee that yearning going away until the menopause, at which point, I can envisage hating dh for thwarting my only hope of another child. I'm worried that it will tear us apart, and he is worried that another child will do the same.

It is one of those situations where there is no compromise. I am overwieght, which he finds distaseful, so the chances of getting pg are none at the moment, and I would not consider it while I still on ADs. He says that I am not stable enough to manage another baby, which is right, but I can't help thinking that I would improve vastly if I thought there was a chance of another baby. It is a catch-22 situation, I eat too much and am depressed because I want another baby, and I can't have another baby because I am fat and depressed.

He did say that the possibilty of it happening is not totally nil, but that me going on about it all the time makes him want one even less. I can't help it though, because it tears me apart, and I just want him to try to understand how deep the feelings go.

I know that there is no answer to it all, but I just wanted some support. Thanks to everyone who has responded so far.

It sounds as though you cant win with your DH!!! He cant expect you to just except a decision which you are not happy with and then never "go on" about it!!! I dont know his reasons of course but cant he see he is being selfish to you and your ds. Can you not make him realise how much easier it would be with two - they would have a constant play companion etc etc THis feeling in you is going to drive a wedge between you. What if you sat him down with a positive attitude and said "look if i aim to get off the AD's in such an amount of time , lose the weight etc then can we try for another baby" That would give you a good reason to lose the weight and he would find you more attractive etc ...

Dh and I have recently been thrashing this one out. I have always wanted 3 and dh was adamant that he wanted us to stop at the 2 we have. We both had valid reasons for our points of view but could not reach agreement. A couple of weeks ago we had a big sit down discussion where, instead of talking about our different opinions - again, we talked about the best way forward for our marriage and family. I explained, like you, that I just knew I wanted another child and that if I didn't, I would always regret it and probably end up blaming dh (I know it sounds awful but it was one of those discussions where honesty is the only way). We agreed that if I felt the same way in 12 months, we would start trying again. This means that we have come to an understanding but that we both still have time to reflect. I did start a thread on this subject under pregnancy but can't work out how to do links from another mumsnet page!

Chinchilla, forgive me if you feel I am overstepping the mark, but having met you, and bumped into you only a few months ago, one thing I can say for certain is that you are not overweight. And if your dh says he finds you distasteful, then he needs a reality check to be quite frank, What an outrageous and painful thing for him to say to you. And he says you are not stable enough to cope with another?! Omg he is certainly helping boost your confidence and self esteem isn't he - not.

I am not at all surprised you are depressed with the attitude he has towards you. Hugs to you x

Hi Chinchilla and so sorry to hear you're feeling so low, you poor thing :(

Like Lou, I don't wish to overstep the mark here, but your dh sounds so cold and unsupportive, and it seems to me that you're feeling so down about yourself you are simply believing the extremely hurtful things he has said.

I have met you and you are a very attractive woman - FAR from "distasteful" and certainly not fat! And to say that you are "not stable enough" to have another child ... what an utterly heartless remark (and, I'm sure, not at all true - you are doing a marvellous job with your ds, so why on earth shouldn't you be just as great a mum to another?).

It must be absolutely AWFUL for you to want another child so much and be surrounded by pg friends and family, my heart goes out to you.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but my feeling is that your dh is a bully and making some changes in your relationship needs to be a priority at the moment, because it is not acceptable for him to talk to you in this manner imo. It seems to me that he has made a unilateral decision that you won't have any more children and that is simply unfair and, as you say, you may well end up hating him for it later on.

I'm sorry I haven't got any advice (apart from the usual things like Relate), I just wanted to add my support for you XXX

Thanks you two. I know I met you only a year ago, but I AM overweight. I weigh nearly 12 stone, and am only 5'3" (When I bumped into you in town, I was 9 st 8 lbs, but I hit a really black period, and kept stuffing my face ). Dh HAS admitted that he doesn't fancy my body (although he still finds me pretty in facial features IYKWIM) when I am overweight, and that when he met me I was really slim and attractive to him. I don't blame him for that, and he only admitted it after a 'you never come near me anymore' type of row.

I agree that he is being unfair, but he genuinely believes that having another child would put so much pressure on our relationship that we would split. We nearly did when ds was younger, because he was such a demanding child, and he has trouble accepting that a second child would be so much easier than the first.

I really appreciate all your lovely words, as it is hard to believe that I am attractive when I am up to a size 16, and none of my clothes fit me any more (Over 16s please don't have a go at me - I'm just used to being a size 10, and I miss it desperately). I still try really hard to do my make-up and hair nicely, and paint my toenails etc. I can't make him think I'm sexy when I don't feel it myself can I?

He is very black and white. There is no middle ground with dh. He has always been this way, and did find having to be less clean and tidy around the house very hard. I have had numerous conversations with him about spending the weekend having fun rather than cleaning the house, but he cannot relax until things are how he likes them. He has always been that way, but it is much harder to keep up with his expectations with a toddler!!

Ds (now he is 3) is so much easier to be with, and so much more independent. He is fun and easier to explain things to. Dh feels that it would be going back to square one if we had another baby. I have tried explaining that it would only be for another 3 years, but he said, 'We can have another one, but you will need to consider whether you are happy raising two children on your own, because I can guarantee you that we would split up'.

I understand all his points, but would still have another child at the drop of a hat if he said yes. When we do get time alone together, his little foibles become less intrusive, and we get on really well. This is the only major bone of contention between us. At the moment, every time I get exasperated with ds, dh pipes up, 'And you want another one', just to make a point...

Sorry to ramble everyone!

Chinchilla my love. You are a lovely intelligent, attractive, woman, who is a good mother, and a good wife. What your dh is doing is putting all responsibility onto your shoulders, absolving himself of any, while putting you down and generally humiliating you, to the point that you are actually believing what he is saying, and therefore leaving you with no confidence. From what you say it would be v hard not to feel the way you do, living with him. His comments are harsh, hurtful and unecessary, he is threatening you with leaving to get his own way. What sort of caring partner/father would seriously do such a thing?! From posts in the past he seems to be constantly criticising you, didn't he complain about your weekly shop, and the amount you spent as well?

Maybe he is right about having another child with him, he doesn't appear to be worthy of it imo. I know what I would like to tell you to do, but it wouldn't be v constructive.

My blood is simmering here at the way he treats you, and breaking because you love him enough to try and justify his behaviour, even though you know it is wrong. It shouldn't matter if you are 10 stone or 30 stone, it should be supportive encouragement he gives you if you want to lose weight, not hurtful comments.

I don't know what to suggest, I'm so sorry you feel this way.

Maybe you should send him round to me and sm? Give us a few days with him and then he would really appreciate what he has with you!

Thanks Lou - where do I send the cheque?

We are going to a BBQ at the next-door neighbours' house tomorrow. The girl there is best-friends with a very close chum of mine, whose ds is my ds' bezzy mate. (Still with me?) Both couples have babies, one new-born and one about 6 months. I'm going to have loads of cuddles with the babes, and try to show ds how serious I am about this, without raising the issue.

It is nice to read psoitive comments from MNers, and it does make me see dh in a slightly different way. Obviously he is not THAT bad, but he is a difficult man to live with and live up to. However, I fully aooreciate that I have bad points that he has to live with too. I am totally under the control of my hormones and depression at the moment, and a lesser man might have left me already!

AND my spelling has gone totally to pot! Where's Coddy when you need her?

I agree that we all have good and bad points Chinchilla, but how we react is what is important. I don't suppose you hurl insults at your dh with deliberate intent to hurt do you? I disagree about the lesser man comment though. If he loves you, and knows you are depressed, he should absolutely 100% be standing by you, even if he feels he wants to do a runner sometimes, even if you do hurl barbed comments his way occasionally.

I think the change of ad's may have something to do with your emotional state, but I also suspect it is because you realise that you are not jointly responsible for the way your life is shaping up wrt family, and that he holds all the cards, and I would find that unbearable.

Chinchilla - I am a bit concerned about how your DH treats you. He sounds as though he likes to be in total control and dictates to you. For all the reasons he has given not to have another child - you need to give the reasons why, to you, you should have another one. Your weight seems to be an issue for him, and also for you. Have you considered joining weight watchers or some other club? Your focus could be losing weight in preparation for pregnancy. Perhaps if you lost weight your self esteem would rise. You should only attempt to lose weight for yourself, not for your DH I have to say.
I had a very strong urge to have 4 children. DH would have stopped at 3 children but he listened to me. I could not accept a man dictating to me how many children I could or could not have. Has he no consideration for your needs as well as his?

Mears - I did lose over 2 stone Sept last year-March this year. I have put it all back on again, following a really black time. Yes, losing weight gives me a lot of self-confidence, and I could kick myself for nearly reaching target weight, and then ruining all my hard work. Dh is really disappointed for me and with me. He does not respect fat people because he sees any lack of control in that way as disgusting.

Everything you have all said has really made me see dh in a different light. He IS controling, but when I put my foot down about things, he makes it seem like I am the one being unreasonable. Having said that, I AM a very moody type of person, and our personalities are totally different, so I can imagine that he has a lot to put up with too.

At the BBQ today, I had a cuddle of my friend's baby, and it was lovely. Dh did show an interest, and even went so far as to stay in the room with him, talking to my friend, even when I was not there. When I came back, he said that he had been discussing babies, and trying to get himself to feel a bit broody. Don't think it worked though! Today, I was telling ds off for something and he said (again), 'Times this by two' to imply how much more hard work two would be. I said, 'STOP harping on about this. I can tell ds off for something, and still want another one'.

I think Mears is right that losing weight may make him change his mind a little, or at the very least make him want to change his mind because he gets carried away! Our sex drives are totally incompatible BTW, and always have been. He must be the only man in the world who actually thought that it was a chore having sex every other day to try to conceive ds

Now I am very confused. What I thought was merely a sad situation about a lack of compromise has become an 'Am I in the right marriage?' theme. You are all right in what you have said. I think that ds is right that we would split up if we had another, because he (openly admitted BTW) has not got the patience to deal with one, let alone two. He has said that if we had two, I would have to forget going out occasionally, because he does not want to have to look after two. He likes the little free time he has to clean the car at weekends, and is not prepared to lose that. He says that weekends would be hell, with me looking after the baby and him being stuck looking after ds.

I agree that he is wrong, and that all his reasons are selfish. He admits this himself. BUT, in his defence, he does love ds to bits. He just doesn't want any more. He says that one child is enough for him. There still remains the horrible impasse.

Thanks for all your support. Not sure what do do, and don't want to come across like another MNer, who asks for support and then ignores the replies. I just don't really know what to do, and am reluctant to make ds the result of a broken marriage merely for the want of a second child. Maybe I should just accept the fact that I have a lovely ds, who means the world to me, and concentrate on the good things in my life...

If it's any help - had to work very hard to persuade my dh to have a second for many of the same reasons yours is giving. Now we have 2 and dh loves ds2 with a passion and acts as though it was all his idea. I think men work differently - we want babies but can't justify our needs objectively because it isn't a logical thing. Men don't think they want them until they've got them and then they fall in love with their children as deeply as we do. They have a lot of (justifiable)fear about what a new baby will mean but the only way of prooving it will be OK is having one!

Chinchilla - one of my best friends tricked her husband into pregnancy. He had said he did not want any more children after their first dd who was a nightmare. She was using a diaphragm fro contraception and made holes in it. Her DH was upset when she announced her pregnancy but he accepted it and fell in love with his DS. She did the same again with number 3 (he was none the wiser) and he was REALLY upset. However, he was very happy when his DD was born. He went for a vasectomy to make sure there was not a number 4. He still admits to this day that he would have stopped at one had he had the choice. However, he is as proud as punch of his 3 children and their marriage is intact. It sounds to me as though your DH is not adamantly saying no but is voicing his concerns. If I was you I would plan to lose weight and would get pregnant anyway! NOt politically correct advice really.

Do women really do that Mears?