Broody

[Chinchilla]

I;m not sure if this is the best forum for this topic, but here goes. One of my better 'mum' friends (her son is also ds' 'best' friend) has just had a lovely baby boy. Ds and I visited them yesterday, and I obviously had a cuddle. I felt so broody, and all the old feelings flooded back about bf'ing and new-borns.

I am so chuffed for her of course, and have never felt this way about other friends' babies, even though I knew that I did want another one. Since yesterday, I have felt tearful at the thought of not having another one (dh does not want one), and don't know what to do. How am I going to reconcile myself to this feeling of loss anf grieving? It is 99.9% certain that dh and I will never have another child, because of many reasons, most of which I do agree with, or acceot. I just can't stop my body wanting another child.

Until now, I thought that I could cope with seeing friends' babies, as I have not had this strong feeling before. Could it be because I feel a strong friendship with the mother that I almost care for her chld in a motherly way? Or could it just be timing? I have recently changed my ADs and these seem to allow a flow of tears, where my other ones didn't, so could it be that I am just more emotional anyway?

Has anyone been here and dealt with it?

Have to say I was thinking the same as mears. Am a bit horrified with myself for thinking it though! I guess this has been such a bone of contention your dh would guess that an accidental pregnancy was not accidental though. I feel awful for you, this must be a dreadful impasse for you to have to deal with. And I still feel that although you say he's a control freak and has always been that way, the things he has said to you are really unacceptable and cannot be justified by saying that this is just the way he is. Your wishes and needs are just as important as his for goodness' sake!

Sorry I'm not being constructive XXX

I'm going to be v blunt here chinchilla, and say it sounds to me that the only person your dh loves is himself. Go with what would make you happy.

I would not advise you to trick your husband into a 2nd child Chinchilla.
I had 2 genuine accidental pregnancies (ds1- 5 hr late mini pill & ds2 was a result of upset stomach while on combination pill) & your dh sounds very similar 2 mine (he did not really want any & definatly not 2)
I did not like the thought of ds1 growing up an only child but I told him that I did not want 2 have another unless he was happy about the idea, as it is a huge commitment & can cause relationship problems at the best of times.
Anyway as it happened I found myself pregnant again while using contraception & we were both very upset as we did not want another unplanned pregnancy & I ended up with depression through pregnancy & after the birth as my dh distanced himself so much throughout.
He did not show any interest when I had my scans or while I was actually giving birth & showed little emotion when he was born.
Thankfully, he came out of it & now loves ds2 to bits. However I ended up on ads & having counselling as a result of it all.
When we used 2 discuss a second child, he would always say that he would never rule it out but was not atall ready 4 one at the time & I did not really want 2 bring a child into the world unless he was 100% sure that he wanted it too.
Anyway it eventually turned out fine(although we came close 2 splitting last year) but I would advise that u sit down & talk it through with your dh & let him know how much it means 2 u & how it would advantage your ds, but don't go into it unless your both happy about having another. I would hate 4 u 2 have 2 go through anything similar 2 my experiance.

Well, I'm in a complete quandry as to what to do, if anything. Would not go down the 'accident' route, as dh would not believe me. I don't think that there actually IS anything I can do, except maybe show him this thread, but I know that he would only pooh pooh the comments, and then have a go at me for discussing personal matters on here!

Anyway, I REALLY appreciate the support on here, and it nice to know that others have been here and managed to change their situations. I was so unhappy last week, but do feel a bit more positive now. I have tried to cut back on the eating today, and have done well, so will try to keep it up.

Good luck with whatever you decide Chinchilla.
I hope things work out 4 you.

Well...an update. I have taken myself off my ADs because I forgot them two days running, and did not feel any effects. Have been off them a week now, and feel a bit up and down, but not too bad. I was fed up of being on chemicals, especially a drug that increases appetite/weight gain.

Dh and I had a big row last week, after the baby subject was raised again. We basically reached breaking point, and have been working hard to not bicker since then. I realised that he does not want another child mainly because he genuinely thinks it would be the end of us, and he is happy with the family unit as it stands.

I have joined WW today, to try to gain my self respect back, and his respect too. I know that I am owed respect as his wife and the mother to his child, but he has some funny ideas about not respecting fat people, who, in his eyes cannot control themselves. I have made it clear to him that my weight issue is more than just as a result of being greedy, and that I need to address that issue too.

Finally, I have acceoted that having another child would be detrimental to our life, and that I really do not have enough patience to go through the whole baby-3 stage again. Ds is getting much easier to deal with now, and a baby would delay the enjoyable things for another 3 years. That does not mean that I am not torn apart every time I think about never nursing a baby again. I am gutted about that side of things (the bonding and baby time), but am trying to treat it as a sort of loss, which needs a grieving period.

Hope this doesn't sound too pretentious, and I want to tell people that I really did appreciate their support over this.

I am sorry and dont want to sound rude, but I think the only one who has control issues is your dh. How dare he think people who are fat have no self control. People arent 'perfect'. it sounds to me like he needs to grow up.

No wonder you are depressed. he needs to show you some respect. Dont think losing weight will change him because it most probably wont. People who manipulate people like this usually lead their spouse to depression (IME)

Sorry to be so blunt. It must be so hard for you to live with attitudes like this, or is it just me?

hugs to you chinchilla {{}}xxx

No, it's not just you. However, his comment that he went out with and married me as a slim person IS valid. He would not have gone out with me the size I am, because he would have not noticed me. I am not happy about my weight either, and it is hampering my sleep (snoring), activeness (sprained ankle not healing because of weight on it), sex life and happiness.

I am not the weak person this thread makes me sound, and I do give him what for a lot when he comes out with these comments. However, he still feels this way, which I will never change.

I am not saying you are weak! please dont think that

I have put on ALOT of weight since I got married. I was a size 10, 5ft9in beauty when I got married. i am now a size 16. I DO want to loose weight too, but my husband has never made me feel bad about the way I am. He loves for me for the inside aswell as the out. Our relationship isnt perfect but it must be so hurtful to you that he says these things to you, thats all

and snoring is usually to with adenoids or nasal infections/obtrusions

and if you are as slim as lou says your ankle would not be healing quicker

not trying to be a smartarse, just asking you to not be so hard an yourself, that all

and you dont sound 'weak', MN is for coming on and expressing your feelings. i do alot of the time and I must sound like a nutcase

Fio - I didn't think you were having a dig! I just realise how weak I sound on this thread. Most of the savvy and sassy MNers on here would have ditched the man in their life if he spoke like that. I suppose that I have always been treated a bit like this by him, and have got used to it. Anyway, Don't worry, I wasn't upset by your comment.

Last time Lou saw me, I was 2.5 stone lighter...it has been a bad three months

well if it makes you feel better I have put on alot of weight in a short space of time aswell and it does make me feel like shit aswell tbh

i am joining WW on tues, so lets do this together sorry to sound cheesy!

Chinchilla, you are a beautiful person inside and out , regardless of your size imo. Your husband is the ugly one. You desreve so much better, but if you are happy with the situation, then well done at resolving it.

Fio - happy to get cheesy and support you (not too much cheese though at 4.5 points per medium portion!) Shall we start a 'WW cheesy support group' thread

Lou - thanks for your lovely words. He's not all bad, as he emptied the dishwasher tonight, while I sat organising my Virgin Vie party...I appreciate your support though, very much.

Don't think that is enough tbh, but as long as you are happy, like I said