Advice needed please! I don't know what to do!!!

[MissyMoooo]

So my 12 year old DD just brought her 13 year old friend round to tell me that she (the friend) thinks she is pregnant! She had full sex 4 weeks ago with a 12 year old boy, and her period is a week late. She says she can't tell her mum and has asked me if I would get her a pregnancy test for her. What do I do? As a mum I would want to know if it was my daughter and I'd feel as if I was going behind her mums back, but on the other hand is it better she finds out for sure before telling her mum? I really don't want to get involved but I do feel for the girl and want to help. What do I do? Help please!!

Urgh, honestly I'd get the test for her and then decide what to do, be it telling her mum in a gentle way, but her mum does need to know that she's sexually active

She's under age, Tell her mum. Thats something she needs to know and talk about with her daughter even if it turns out she isn't pregnant.

I think get her the test..

Trying to put myself in the mums position, and although I’d be gutted my child couldn’t come to me, I’d be relieved she went to someone, and I’d be grateful that that someone had helped her.

Oh gosh that is a hard one!!!!
Depending on what the relationship between her and the mother is like she really might not feel like she can tell her yet.
I agree that I would want to know if it was my daughter but if they have a difficult home life it might not be as clear cut.
Perhaps talk to the girl again and try to help her to understand that telling her mum either way is going to be the best thing in the long run. But if she really doesn’t feel that she can do it pre test then I’d help her test to find out the exact situation. I would make it clear though that whatever the outcome she will have to talk to her mum, just make sure she knows you will be there and support her in that conversation.
Best of luck - don’t envy you at all!!!

I would get her the test, and then help her figure out what to do if it's positive. Lots of 13yos aren't regular yet.

Not everyone has a lovely supportive mum who will help them in a tight spot. I would put supporting a vulnerable child ahead of some abstract idea of what is "owed" to mums.

Go with her to tell her mum. Personally I would do it before getting a test. If its negative she'll never have that conversation. Periods are very unreliable at that age.

Tell her you will help her, but that you cannot keep secrets for her and you will have to tell her parents. I'd also involve the school as well tbh as you don't know how her parents will react and the boys parents need to be informed to (not by you, by her parents or via the school).

@QueenAravis... couldn’t have said it better.

Get her the test and cross whatever bridge it is after that.

I would like to say, get the rest and take her and the test home to her mum.

But I guess there is a small chance she has a reason to fear her mum or someone else's reaction, so I would probably get her the test, support her and then discuss what s next once she has the result.

*test not rest

Those who are saying "she has to tell her mum"... Does this still hold if her mum is abusive? Unstable? If she kicks her daughter out?

Maybe she's a lovely mum. I don't know. But it's dangerous in this situation to project what you, as a mother, would want.

Definitely take her to get the test and give her a hand hold while she does it but also explain that you will need to talk to her mum but you will go with her, unless there's any reason not to tell her mum like abuse etc.

This is an awful difficult one. I’d get her the test and then go from there. If it’s neg she should be strongly encouraged to attend a sexual health clinic to get reliable contraception started. If it is pos and she wants a termination, they’ll have to involve social services and outreach workers at her age.

Please help her, there’s a reason she hasn’t gone to her own Mum and that’s up to her.

I agree with Queen.

Do you know anything about her home life? 13 is very young to be sexually active even these days surely.

Thanks everyone for your replies. She doesn't have a particularly great home life (parents separated and mum is young and parties all the time) she's said she's very scared of how her mum will react. She's told me a few times she wishes I was her mum . But I was taken aback to hear that she's actually done the deed at that age! I don't know her mum well but I know she's a bit of a bomb scare! I might just get the test for her and take it from there, then at least it it's negative her mum need never know.

Or should she know her daughter is sexually active...? God I just don't know what to do for the best!

@QueenAravisOfArchenland yes I think agree with you, thank you x

@sexnotgender you're right! I'm glad she could feel she could speak to me and if she doesn't have any support at home then I will help her as much as I can x

I would get her the test but then may possibly speak to school rather than the parent.

Yes get the girl a test. Poor child must be petrified.
And yes her mum HAS to be made aware her daughter is sexually active regardless of the outcome of the test!! If mum doesn't know you're going to have this girl at your door once a month doing another test because her mum hasn't dealt with the situation!
For those saying periods aren't regular at that age, I started mine at 10 and was regular straight away.
Good luck.

Get her the test then go from there, I wouldn't tell her mum as it sounds like she needs an adult she can trust and I think your priority lies with her. If its negative or positive she will need your help, don't break her trust if she doesn't have any other adults to help her.

Such a difficult situation op.

I think I'd suggest the girl talks to her mum but if she feels she can't, explain that you will buy the test but will need to speak to her mum afterwards so she can talk about choices and being protected (emotionally and physically) moving forward as she is still a child.

Thank you for all your advice, I'm so torn!