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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Partner wants MIL (& my mum) to come to our first scan...

54 replies

Zing6 · 22/06/2018 12:47

Hey all,

So yesterday my partner said "I said mum could come to the scan." and my immediate reaction was to say "no she isn't!". This turned into question time as to why I would say the mums can't come... I just wanted it to be OUR moment you know? It's an early scan I've booked 8+6 and they could come as we can have up to 5 other people. I definitely wouldn't have anyone but my partner at the NHS scans so it does make sense to let them come to the early private one I have booked...

Now I've thought about it a bit, I don't mind them coming to it but I am a bit meh about the whole sharing EVERYTHING with the mums thing - I mean I love them both to bits obviously but they are going to be (and already are) overwhelming throughout so I want SOME memories to be just ours, does that make sense? Is this my hormones making me a cow? LOL!

Then again it's the first grandchild both sides so why not let them at the scan, it's their first and maybe only chance!!!

Anyone else had a similar thing/feelings.......?

Thanks!

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Summer1986 · 22/06/2018 12:51

I had early scans with both my first pregnancy and this one. The first showed a missed miscarriage. I wouldn't have wanted anyone except DH there for either.
If my own DM were alive I'd have considered a private scan after the 20 w anomaly and invited her and MIL along but certainly wouldn't have wanted them present until I knew all was well.
Hope you and DH can agree on an arrangement that you are both happy with.

MigGril · 22/06/2018 12:53

They are unlikely to be allowed in. Our hospital only allows one other adult to come with you. Sometimes they can even be a pain about you bring extra children if you don't have child care.

letsallhaveanap · 22/06/2018 12:54

Its up to you. And I think even if you do decide to have them there you need to make it clear to your partner that its up to YOU and he is not to assume he can have a say in who attends YOUR medical appointments... It may be their grandchild but its actually your body and your medical appointment and so its entirely your call.
It sounds like you wouldnt mind too much... but id really make it clear to your partner that you and your babies wellbeing during these things is the most important thing... its not some sort of entertainment for people and these scans can actually be difficult/upsetting.... especially if you receive bad news during them... who wants an audience for that?! Thats why on the NHS ones they ask you not to even bring your other children.... its a serious medical appointment not a show for family.

I was very scared at my first scan and would not have wanted MIL or even my own mum to come in case things were not as they should be.

Its up to you is the main point and it should not be assumed you are just fine with whoever...

congratulations!

Ubercornsdiscoball · 22/06/2018 12:55

Nah. I think scans shouldn’t be a public event. They are personal to you and your partner. He probably just doesn’t get how hard they can be if it is your first but I would stand my ground. It is their first grandchild - fine. But they don’t need to be at the scans. They are basically medical procedures - even early ones. I bet you don’t invite extended family to any other medical appointments!

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 22/06/2018 12:56

Not a chance. I’ve had bad news at 3 of my first scans, no way I’d want an audience for that.

Plumsmith · 22/06/2018 12:58

I wouldn’t want anyone else there other that DH were 8 weeks pregnant and we have told both our sets of parents and although I didn’t mind, I feel abit meh about that now! In future pregnancies I think I’d like to keep it a bit more private. He wouldn’t want your parents in the doctors office when he was going for an appointment would he?! I think you should tell him you want it just to be him and you x

sexnotgender · 22/06/2018 12:59

I definitely wouldn’t want anyone other than my husband at mine.

They are medical not light entertainment, by all means get a copy of the scan photo for them but don’t have them there.

MrBeanTeddy · 22/06/2018 13:01

If my family wanted to be involved, I'd be pleased.

Sadly no one was massively interested (only my DM), I had to go to most scans alone.

MrsBartlettforthewin · 22/06/2018 13:02

No way. It is a medical procedure not a theatre trip. If, big if something is wrong I wouldn't want to be dealing with their emotions I'd just want DH.

BoneShaker · 22/06/2018 13:03

It's incredibly cheeky to invite someone along to another person's medical appointment. Could you imagine casually telling your DP that you've invited your mum along to his next prostate check?

Even if you go ahead and allow them to come along, I think you need to make it clear to your DP that he must never do this again.

nutellaflab · 22/06/2018 13:07

It's also possible that if you aren't quite as far along as your dates suggest, they may recommend a trans-vaginal scan as the baby wouldn't be big enough to see abdominally. Maybe telling him that would make him see a bit more sense!?

sexnotgender · 22/06/2018 13:07

Also bear in mind in early scans if they can’t see abdominally then they may need to do a vaginal scan - do you want an audience for that?

sexnotgender · 22/06/2018 13:08

Cross posts Nutella!

isambardo · 22/06/2018 13:11

I’d get past the 20 week scan so you’ve had the anomaly checks done. If all is good at that stage, taking mum and mil to a private scan would be a really nice thing to do.

I’ve had bad news at an 8 week scan and would have hated anyone apart from dh to be there.

greendale17 · 22/06/2018 13:11

I am all for family involvement but I would definitely have said no to this

isambardo · 22/06/2018 13:12

Yes, ps, I had the vag cam at 8 weeks!

Noqont · 22/06/2018 13:12

No way, in case it's bad news.

PalePinkSwan · 22/06/2018 13:15

At 8 weeks if they can’t see a baby on screen they will insert a camera probe into your vagina.

You don’t want your mil for that.

Also, I’m sorry to say it, at 8 weeks the pregnancy is still risky. You won’t want other people there if it’s bad news.

Totally inappropriate to bring them along. Take them to a scan at 20 weeks if you want, but nothing earlier.

RaspberryBeret34 · 22/06/2018 13:17

I wouldn't have wanted mums there - it's a special moment (and the possible bad news angle as others have mentioned). How about suggesting you book a 3D scan for later on as a special "for the mums" one? Sell it to them as you all get to see what the baby actually looks like for the first time?

anametouse · 22/06/2018 13:17

Why do they want to be there? Exactly what are they expecting to see? I'm sorry I'm insanely close to my own mother and even I think it's odd

Eggoispreggo · 22/06/2018 13:19

I'd say absolutely not, my MIL was desperate to go to a scan, she wanted us to book a 3D one so she could go but I just wasn't up for it. I have a really good relationship with her and there is no bad feeling whatsoever, I just had a very strong negative reaction to her wanting to come to a scan. If I'd said yes to her I'd have to invite my mum too, and I wasn't interested in that happening either, again, no real reason I just didn't want that to happen.
So we said it was just me and DP for scans and that was that, bless she didn't push it at all after he told her.
Your DP needs to tell her it's not happening, that shouldn't be down to you xx

Eggoispreggo · 22/06/2018 13:20

Your partner really should have known better than to agree with this, he's made the mistake though so he needs to sort it x

Original poster

Zing6 · 22/06/2018 13:22

Thanks everyone. You've all helped make my mind up that it will me him and I only. I will talk to him tonight and mention the vaginal probe scanning - that will 100% switch his mind as he will totally understand. To be honest I think he may have just been a bit over excited and she mentioned it and he said yes... Either way neither are coming, end of. Deep down I want it to be just us and it's my appointment!

I absolutely know there's still a risk but I am so impatient and really anxious about it. I'm 4+4 at the moment, so very early days and I know it may not be but I just wanted an early scan booked for my own peace of mind.

OP posts:

OrchidInTheSun · 22/06/2018 13:23

Oh god no. Could be bad news.

Original poster

Zing6 · 22/06/2018 13:25

I've only known a week and it's my first pregnancy, so be gentle with me! I know I'm jumping the gun on booking the private scan already, but 1 I'm really excited, 2 I'm terrified I'll wait until 12 weeks to be told bad news and I'd rather know sooner and 3 I'm generally very organised with these things! :)

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