Getting very upset

[Bellabutterfly2016]

So to cut a long story short,I've been waiting over 2 weeks for a dating scan which was meant to Come through before I see the midwife on Friday. I'm still waiting and I'm very anxious.

I'm either 12 or 16 weeks (depending on whether a "period" was Infact an implantation bleed) or so I think. Not 100% sure.

Just been made redundant as team drastically reducing (10 of us have lost our jobs) and I'm panicking about a second baby and how we'll manage financially. We have a 3 year old daughter and my partner is very chilled out saying "we'll work something out" but unless he gets a 100% payrise or I get something quickly we've got no chance.

He absolutely wouldn't consider a termination in a million years but I just feel if the time isn't right it may be for the best.

I haven't told a soul mainly because I've said to all my friends about looking for jobs etc and we'd stopped ttc once I was at risk of redundancy. They'll all think I'm nuts plus one of my closest friends is desperate for a baby and I'd feel awful "announcing anything" especially when I feel like this.

The whole thing is such a mess. I know if I tell my mum she's sensible like me and will say that we can't afford it at the moment and would support a termination but I think my partner would leave me.

I just feel in limbo. I've rung the hospital to chase my appointment they said my midwife needs to refer me although the GP has already done that.

I just don't feel excited like last time I was pregnant Infact I'm really really upset, crying all the time and not sleeping properly either.

Then was clearing some stuff today and had a huge panick attack when I found a box of baby stuff thinking it's all pink and if it's a boy it's no good and how on earth we'd ever be able to afford to re-buy it all again. Then got myself in a right state thinking if it was a boy I definitely didn't want it but would consider if it was a girl which is ridiculous but we also live in a fairly small house and 3rd bedroom is a box not actually room for a bed so if it was a boy we'd need to move and definately can't afford that. Our car is also likely to fail its MOT!

No idea what to do - in a right state, in need of a good shake and some hand holding!

Oh OP I really feel for you. I think a lot of life's stresses seem to feel 100 times worse when pregnancy hormones are raging. Can you get a temp job to cover the next six months or so, just to bring in some money to put away then qualify for maternity allowance? Baby clothes can be picked up v cheap (see big bundles second hand on eBay) and a house move wouldn't be necessary for a while, baby will be in your room for the first few months then can share with DC1 for a while even if it is a boy. Have you explained to your partner how worried you are? Only you know what is best for your family, but I wanted to point out that most of the money worries you have mentioned can be overcome.

@DirtyThirties
Thanks for your kind words; just feeling completely overwhelmed with it all! Dreading seeing the midwife tomorrow I really am. Infact I feel sick at the thought of it!
No idea what to say to her at all, I've no idea how far along I am never mind anything else but that would determine my decision I think.
Even contemplating a termination and telling partner it was a mc - he'd have to stay at home with our 3 yr old anyway which I know sounds awful but I just can't see how this is going to work. I'm just not in the right place just now x

I know that its tough , dont worry about the buying things as its not actually that expensive, im expecting my boy in 2 weeks and so far have only spent about £200 in all of the 9 months, using gumtree and facebook i've been fine. i also live on £100 a week at the moment which pays all bills (110 a month) and £15 a week top up rent, its not ideal but i'm managing, There is always a way but if you really dont want the baby then just speak to your midwife and decide what to do but i do think lying to your partner is a bad idea.

@Dvg
I totally know lying to my partner is a bad idea I just feel like I have no way out. Our rent and bills are higher and we're already worrying about how we'll manage let alone without another baby to pay for.

There are some good ways to save money on these selling sites definately but it's the actual "living" expenses that I'm worried about to be honest x

Hopefully speaking to the midwife will help to organise your thoughts a bit and take away that overwhelmed feeling. I'm sure if you told them you are considering a termination they will rush the dating scan through. Just be honest with her/him, they have seen it all before I'm sure. Good luck, will be thinking of you

Ah OP, I feel for you. Your head must be swimming with thoughts and I bet it is difficult to know how to quieten them and get some clarity. I know it is difficult, but when I feel overwhelmed, I try to outline a mental timeline (or even write it down if it helps) of actions and decisions. Then focus on this timeline and try to put the worries that keep cropping up to one side (make a note of them), until it is time to address them. Put the kettle on, make a cup of tea or coffee and sit down with a pen and paper to dump your thoughts and concerns.

Are you seeing the midwife tomorrow or actually having the scan tomorrow? If it is the former, I think you need to be completely honest with her and explain you are considering termination, so that she can prioritise your scan date.

After the scan, when you have more concrete information about the pregnancy, make some time to sit down and discuss things with your partner (schedule the time needed to do this if necessary, it's so important that it can't be done whilst cooking the dinner etc.). If you still feel that you don't wish to continue and your partner does, perhaps you could make a budget together to work out how much extra money you'd need to find (money saving expert has a good and easy to use budget planner that automatically tell you if your budget balances or is short).

Your DP may feel less chilled about it when he can see in black and white what the shortfall will be. You can then start to think about ways of possibly upping your income or if this isn't possible and you feel it for the best, scheduling a termination.

You do you feel in yourself, health-wise? I ask as job-hunting when pregnant is hard enough, and it becomes a gargantuan task if you have associated health issues (I was pregnant last year and had HG, looking for a job was impossible as my head was in the toilet bowl for most of the day, right up until the baby was born).

Wishing you the best of luck!

@DirtyThirties & @DeltaG
Tomorrow is the midwife 😬 my partner doesn't even know I'm going; he's at work and dd with childminder

We are minus about £1000-£1200 a month with the loss of my wages - it's a lot and I'm still paying my childcare provider as I don't want to loose the space I usually have about £2-250 left after I've paid the bills and childcare etc so we need to find £1000 per month.

Job seekers is only about £73 per week (£293 every 4 weeks) so £707 down on where we need to be.

Desperately looking for something else to plug the gap as it were xx

I think you might have to reconsider paying for your childcare.

If you’re not working right now, you might as well be looking after DC at home rather than spending money just because you don’t want to lose the place. You’ll be at home for at least another 12 months if you don’t get another job and I imagine that money would come in handy.

I’m really sorry you’re going through all this x

I'm muddling thru now with the childcare because I've got a childcare voucher account with money in I can use for that until it runs out but from sept she'll get 15hrs if I'm not working or 30 hrs if I am working and so that's why I didn't want to upset her routine plus there's a que a mile long for childminders in the village we live so I was conscious I didn't want to loose my space. Plus my childminder is a star ⭐️ I've felt quite ill and to know I get a couple of days to myself has been a godsend.

Hi @bella how was your appointment today?

Hi @DirtyThirties

Bit of a non event really

The midwife was expecting me to be all systems go and looked very shocked when I raised concerns about it all and said I wasnt 100% sure. I'm thinking she MUST have heard this before!

She said she'd have to refer me to pregnancy counselling and that the surgery would phone me with an appointment for early next week.

I said I wanted a scan she said I had to go for counselling first so debating ringing early pregnancy unit to see if they can help me, I need to know really as how far I am will influence my decision. I might have to white lie and say I've got awful stomach cramps!!

I'm really surprised they didn't prioritise you for a scan in the circumstances. Yes the midwife must have heard similar concerns before, don't let her reaction throw you off. I think you're right to phone epu and see what they can do. Good luck

If you have all the things for baby already, she or he probably won'ta ctually cost THAT much in the short term. By the time baby becomes more expensive, you'll probably be back in work. Remember that even though people may look at you funny, there is absolutely no reason a baby boy can't wear pink clothes. The important thing is he's clothed, not what colour they are. A 3rd bedroom also isn't necessary just because he's a boy. Boys and girls can share basically up until they notice the difference between them. By tehn you'll be back on your feet.

Just offering my support as I recently had a termination, it was after 12 weeks and was not a bad (not nice either obviously) experience.
It was not the right time and I became very depressed and anxious over it. Here if you need a chat

Hi @DirtyThirties

I'm really disappointed they didn't phone up for a scan appointment while I was there, I feel bad phoning the EPU but it's literally killing me. I can't go on like this it's driving me insane. I'm even more upset than I was before dp has no idea how upset and worried I am, he just doesn't seem to be getting it somehow.

Hi @Liz3891

I know what you mean about the baby stuff but this time I'm not even working so no wages potentially for the next 6 months, then no maternity pay, KIT days or accrued holiday and no job to go back to.
I eat too as much as my partner and we contributed jointly to the household income so we're lost and not likely to be in receipt of any tax credits apparently - worrying times

Hi @wolfywynnie

Thankyou so much for your kind words. Dp would never agree to that I think I'm in danger of loosing him if I did it's so so hard, it's not really the right time for us either

Time however isn't on our side I'm nearly 39 and he's 45 so could be our last chance, such a difficult decision.

You could always dye the clothes op. Its really easy to do in the washing machine with Dylon dye. I'm not sure I can be much help for the rest, but I thought I would suggest that. Or baby could be a girl and you haven't got to worry anyway!

Update
Just rang the maternity ward at my local
Hospital and early pregnancy opens 8-4 Monday to Friday and they don't scan on a weekend so a whole weekend of worrying about it all.
Makes you wonder what they do with emergencies that rock up at A&E - whether they have staff on call for "emergencies" which this isn't I get that but all quite frustrating.

Lady said they used to deal with early pregnancy on general gynae ward so it was 24/7 - however "due to cutbacks" the service isn't all the time anymore.

I'm pleased my dp has gone out I'm just so grumpy I do t want to be near anyone at the minute!!!

@Stormwhale
That's a good idea but I'd literally be dying for months.
I think if I go ahead and it's a boy I'll have to eBay the girls things unless neutral and buy some baby boy bundles to replace - that's probably my best option.

Does it matter if your baby is in pink or blue? I really think this is one thing not worth worrying about on top of everything else.

@DrinkFeckArseGirls
Hey - I know exactly what you mean;

I confided in my cousin this morning and she said it's the least of my problems - more of an issue are the household finances etc... which I agree with!

She said she understands why I'm worried but says I will regret a termination at 39 and always think of it but that a year or so if being on a very tight budget is duable and that we'll be ok - probably with the gas and electricity cut off and eviction but ok?!?!?!

Sorry it posted before finishing!!

So I'm feeling better talking to her but feel she's like my partner just "assuming" that we'll be ok!!!!!!!

But I can't see how we possibly can be?!?!?!?!
His income isn't going to physically cover everything!
Going to have to chat to him tonight

That sounds really tough.
A couple of things though, I do think you are right and it would be good if you and DP can sit down and total out your necessary outgoings and see what areas you can cut back on.
This will mean honest lists from you both on your daily/weekly spends on little treats such as a coffee out, chocolate/drinks from petrol station etc.

Another thought is can you get a temp job for a few months, bar work or something?

're scan. I would call the antenatal unit on no day and ask them to check for your scan request.

Also, I know money it tight, but if you think you are at least 12 weeks you can probably get a private scan for around £40 .
It could be worth the cost if it helps you feel in a better position to know for sure.

Depending on partners income you may well be entitled to some benefits too