Should I let mum mum kiss my baby?

[birthofawoman]

My mum's boyfriend has HSV1 (oral herpes). He gets lesions quite frequently, and seems to put a cream on his lip the moment he feels a tingling sensations before the lesion appears (indicating that he is 'shedding' the virus). My mum insists that she refrains from kissing him during his initial 'shedding' period and whilst his lesions are present (although I'm sure there's also a post-lesion 'shedding' period? My mum hasn't mentioned refraining from kissing him during this period, though). Whilst she has never presented with any lesions herself, I'm aware that she could be a carrier of HSV but just be asymptomatic?

I've seen what happens to babies that contract the virus, and it's quite disastrous. I also don't think it's fair that my baby should potentially have to live with the physical, medical and social implications of having HSV because my mum happens to have a boyfriend with the virus at this period in her life (and made her own decision to risk contracting it).

Am I being unreasonable to feel that my mum should refrain from kissing her grandson? I know it's a really unfortunate and quite impolite thing to request.

I don't at all look down upon people who do have the virus, it's just not an outcome that I think is ideal for a baby.

Don’t be so bloody stupid

Actually I don’t think yanbu and is at that as someone who normally would be similar to above poster! I think I would ask your mum to kiss dc on cheek or head and not at all during tingle/active lesion. Would your mum be ok with this?

Have I got this wrong - you’re talking about cold sores, right? Because your description of cold sores are really strange. Lots of people have them and your talking about it kn this way reads like it (and your mother’s choice of boyfriend) is something to be ashamed of. But that aside, surely if she has no symptoms then she isn’t contagious.

my husband has cold sores which erupt when exhausted and stressed. They were the consequence of being kissed by his mother but I think people are more clued up now on how contagious it is. Jus lt ask her to be vigilant about any outbreaks she has and only be strict when she is actually contagious.

But it’s not impolite. It’s fair and reasonable. If you feel bad about it just say no one can kiss the baby.

Cold sores are dangerous to newborns. No one should be kissing them on the lips apart from maybe you.

From what I gather a kiss on the forehead from your mum is unlikely to transfer the virus as the particular strain needs moist conditions to thrive.

YANBU to not want your baby to contract this, it can be really serious in babies. I don’t know what the risk would be of your mum passing the virus on, I’d say probably minimal but that’s your call to make.
Although you say you don’t look down on people who carry the virus, it’s fairly obvious you do a bit. There is no social stigma attached to cold sores as far as I’m aware. Millions of people get them.
I get them, and am very careful about kissing my own children when I know the virus is active (about once every 2 years for me).

YANBU

I think you’re stressing unnecessarily- your mother doesn’t even have cold sores? You’ll humiliate her and that’s rather mean tbh

Yanbu. I would say head kisses only for all, keep it simple.

I'd ask the gp/midwife/health visitor. As I understand though (without having asked any of those people) given how incredibly dangerous it is to a small baby I would ask her to not kiss baby at all while he has/is coming down with one but not when he's not because it's not contagious unless you have/are coming down with one?

Also I meant to say my parents have never kissed my babies on the lips... is this a normal thing to do?

Ynbu to decide against someone kissing your baby but it's worth keeping in mind that chances are you have the virus too and simply don't show symptoms. UK figures show roughly 70% carry the virus but only 30% actually get lesions and therefore know they have it.

YANBU it can be deadly to babies it's not worth the risk especially knowing she's with someone who has cold sores fairly regularly.

Its only passed on to a newborn if someone kisses that newborn on the lips.

How many people actually kiss newborns on the lips?

A week after DD2 was born I developed sepsis, and as I was so ill I also had a horrific cold sore outbreak (honestly had about 14 at one point) and I managed not to pass them on to newborn DD by not kissing her. DH didn’t refrain from kissing her during this time (not that he generally kisses babies on the lips anyway).

My mum gets cold sores and she's managed to keep them to herself for 50 years of marriage and raise two coldsore free children into their 30s.

I admit I was pfb and may have said 'no kisses!' When I thought she was too close to baby DD with one.

Just don't let the bf kiss your baby if he's got one coming or has one. It sounds like he's very aware though so I'm sure he wouldn't.

Maybe top of the head kisses only for her if he has one just to be extra safe?

Thanks for your opinions, suggestions.

SoyDora whilst it may seem that I look down upon people with HSV (not true, at all), it's actually that I suffer from quite bad hypochondria/health anxiety (initially, I wasn't comfortable with mentioning this). This means that I have a fearful attitude towards illness (especially those which are lifelong, like HSV), and spend more time than the average person avoiding it.

I also don't think it's accurate to make a blanket statement like 'There is no social stigma attached to cold sores'. I'm from a community (Afro-Caribbean) whereby it generally isn't considered socially acceptable to have a cold sore, and you're likely to be given a hard time about it.

Who kisses babies on the lips anyway. I get coldsores, not once has my dd caught one off me and neither has my dh. If they don't kiss her on the lips then it shouldn't be a problem.
You do sound very judgemental about cold sores though which is very odd as they are relatively common.

Behind every partner of a person with cold sores who doesn’t get them themselves is an even bigger secret..,,,

Genital herpes

Are you talking about your dm not kissing your ds ever ? Or anywhere? Or are you talking about kissing him on the lips or when she has a cold sore?

You do know that about 70% of the population carry the virus don't you? You'd have to prevent anyone at all kissing your ds anywhere ever (yourself included) to protect him. That wouldn't seem an emotionally 'healthy' way to treat a child. To ask just your mum not to kiss him would be irrational.

www.quora.com/What-percentage-of-people-have-Herpes-Simplex-Virus-Type-I

*Louislovesmud I'm fairly certain I don't have the virus. My hypochondriac self went and got a herpes antibodies test quite recently (very strange behaviour, I know, but I suffer from quite bad hypochondria/health anxiety, which means that that's the kind of thing I do from time to time). Came back negative for both HSV1 and HSV2. I don't kiss anybody but my partner (and my child), and I made him get one too (he also doesn't kiss anybody but me and our child).

Also (aiming this as those mentioning it), I didn't know that HSV was only passed on by kissing on the lips? I'm sure I've read about it being passed on through cheek kisses!

I also don't think it's accurate to make a blanket statement like 'There is no social stigma attached to cold sores’

It wasn’t a blanket statement. I said ‘as far as I’m aware’. Genuinely not something I’ve ever come across. And to be honest if I did come across that attitude I’d point out the fact that 70% of the UK population carry the virus, and go about my business.

Lousislovesmud ^

Not read this thread but read and posted in your aibu thread.

I am re posting exactly same here as it’s important

Read This thread page 7 poster SH81- she is I would say sadly an expert on this don’t dismiss your instinct.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3236560-To-ask-people-not-to-kiss-my-newborn-baby

Fair enough birthofawoman you're one of the lucky 30%! Still might be best/easier to impose a blanket ban based on those stats so no one feels singled out?