Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Dp says he won’t take paternity leave

47 replies

Angharad07 · 11/06/2018 11:49

After asking how much partenity leave dp was thinking of taking he replied “none”. No reason given.

He’s making out that he’ll go back to work the day after the baby is born and maybe take a few days off using his holiday leave.

We’re not in a great financial position but to reject what he’s legally entitled to for no reason seems a bit bonkers. I’m quite upset as I was looking forward to us both getting to know our first baby in those two weeks..

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
QueenAravisOfArchenland · 11/06/2018 11:51

Well. That's dickish. I take it it's the first for both of you?

Unfortunately we can't really help you more specifically unless we can understand why he's saying this. You will have to ask him again.

Loulabelle25 · 11/06/2018 11:59

My husband isn’t taking paternity leave. However, we’ve talked it through extensively and this is mostly to help us financially. While I’m on maternity he will be shouldering all of the bills and we couldn’t afford for him to just receive statutory paternity for 2 weeks. He also works in a very male dominated industry which is not particularly accomdating to paternity needs. He is, however, taking 2 weeks paid holiday once my labour kicks in and the baby arrives as there is no way he would want to miss those precious first weeks.

I think you need to talk to your husband and establish why he’s not planning on taking paternity leave and whether some alternative arrangement is possible. A few days of holiday doesn’t seem adequate.

LittleLoveXoxo · 11/06/2018 12:00

hmm its a bit crappy, but going off my situation, my boyfriend will be our sole earner when im off (not planning on going back to my job at all) and we may be in our new home when we have the baby, he earns so much from overtime/ extra shifts so taking those 2 weeks off will really hurt us. can you convince him that you will be ok money wise? are you able to save a bit of cash beforehand so you wont be hit as much? xx

Original poster
Angharad07 · 11/06/2018 12:01

Yes, we are both first time parents. He has a strange complex towards “good work ethic” and sometimes takes it too far. I have been worried about him putting work before the baby but never thought it’d occur as a problem from the get go.

I’ll also note that he’s not in some dream career nor does he have important bosses to impress. He just seems to think he’s doing the right thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Angharad07 · 11/06/2018 12:03

We have family members who would rather help us financially than allow him to miss the first two weeks but he’s too proud to accept help!

OP posts:
RedSkyAtNight · 11/06/2018 12:10

IF you're not in a great financial position, then can you afford for him to take 2 weeks paternity leave?

If he has annual leave to take, I would think that taking that as and when needed could well work better for you as a family.

Dvg · 11/06/2018 12:10

I'm sorry but i would be raging if my partner wasn't going to take at least a little time off (even as holiday), a newborn can be really hard work after what a woman has to go through and so its the perfect time for him to help you as well as spend some time with his child...

plainK · 11/06/2018 12:14

My dp's taking two weeks paid leave as statutory paternity is very low so I understand if it's for financial reasons, but now wanting to even have it as holidays 🤔

dementedpixie · 11/06/2018 12:16

My dh took holiday leave rather than paternity leave as he only got statutory paternity pay

nicknamehelp · 11/06/2018 12:21

My dh didn't take any parental leave off either time and I coped fine - he took some holiday a bit later on. He's a brilliant dad and always there if we need him (before anyone slates dads who dont take the 2 weeks off)

dontbesillyhenry · 11/06/2018 12:23

Mine didn't as he's self employed and the bills don't pay themselves

Caribbeanyesplease · 11/06/2018 12:26

Same as nickname

The fact that your partner has a very strong work ethic and wants to ensure that you don’t get in to debt is a positive attribute.

Plus he says he is going to take paid holiday. So focus on that. Rather than focus on his taking statutory leave, focus on encouraging him to take five days paid leave. That will give you a good stretch together as a new family.

Handsfull13 · 11/06/2018 12:27

We couldn't really afford to have the pay drop so low for two week. My OH took a weeks paternity over two weeks, basically he took half days. He's the only one who can do his job so we knew taking two weeks would be hard on bills and they would probably still phone him for help. It worked for me as his commute was 5 mins so it didn't feel like he was gone for long.

Rednaxela · 11/06/2018 12:27

Is this his first child? He's in for a shock. Kids require a lot of time and inconvenience.

You need to get him in line right now or you will be up shit creek once baby arrives, 3 months in on zero sleep while he sleeps separately and expects dinner on table every night before going down the pub

PineapplePower · 11/06/2018 12:29

I'd be furious. If this isn't purely for financial reasons, then he's putting work first. You'll never get this time back, and it's only two weeks leave, not like he's taking several months off or anything.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 11/06/2018 12:30

You need to get him in line right now or you will be up shit creek once baby arrives, 3 months in on zero sleep while he sleeps separately and expects dinner on table every night before going down the pub

Hold on a minute. That is a massive and unfair extrapolation

The key issue: can you afford the two weeks of stat pat pay?

If not, why is he being unreasonable? It's nit unreasonable to want to actually ensure you can earn enough money to actually buy food, FFS. Hmm. It's actually rather responsible

Caribbeanyesplease · 11/06/2018 12:31

You'll never get this time back,

What makes a newborn period anymore special than, let’s say, a 4 month old?

Canwejustrelaxnow · 11/06/2018 12:31

So if you're in hospital giving birth for 3 days he'll leave you there and nip off to work for the day?

Caribbeanyesplease · 11/06/2018 12:32

Did posters miss fact that he says he will take paid holiday?

Celebelly · 11/06/2018 12:32

I take it that his work doesn't have full pay paternity? My DP will be taking two weeks but he gets those at full pay (yay for public sector). I'd be quite upset if he wasn't going to take time off immediately after the birth as I'll need his support and it's a special time for us as a new family. I can understand the financial aspect, but why can't he take a week or two as paid holiday instead? My DP is planning to take two weeks paternity and then perhaps a week or two paid holiday, depending on how things go. If he didn't get full pay paternity he'd probably take a week of statutory then one-two weeks of paid holiday.

Celebelly · 11/06/2018 12:33

Did posters miss fact that he says he will take paid holiday?

He’s making out that he’ll go back to work the day after the baby is born and maybe take a few days off using his holiday leave.

This doesn't quite sound like he's going to take a week or two off work with paid holiday. It sounds like he's going to go back to work immediately and then maybe take a couple of days with holiday at some point.

Dobbythesockelf · 11/06/2018 12:41

Surely you can plan ahead for this sort of thing.... unless self employed etc. We have saved throughout the pregnancy so the drop in pay for two weeks won't be as noticeable. I wouldn't be happy with the "Maybe take a few days holiday". If he said he was going to definitely take a weeks holiday then at least OP would know he would be around for some of the time for definite.

Shutupanddance1 · 11/06/2018 12:45

So sorry you have to worry about this Angharad07.

Who exactly does he think will be looking after the baby the day after it’s born when he decides to go back to work? What if you aren’t able to? Has he considered that you may have a c section and may not be physically able to look after baby all by yourself? What if you get Post partum depression and need help?
If you are both first time parents I’d suggest sitting down with him and asking him these questions. Tell him it is 50% his responsibility as well and explaining that you will need him - in the days after birth and that work, while fantastic that he wants to provide may need to take a backseat sometimes.

As for financially, by the sounds of it you have a bit of time to save for the extra time, even if he took it as holidays. I’m waiting to have my baby any day now, the statutory paternal leave where I live is 1 day - therefore my DH is taking 10 holiday days as he knows I’ll need him here to take care of me as much as the baby. Best of luck Flowers

BlueBug45 · 11/06/2018 13:02

@Angharad07 get your family members to buy you specific things as gifts rather than giving you money as it's less embarrassing including if they have to pay for your shopping, and have a talk with your OH as other posters have said.

The only guy I know who refused to take paternity leave ended up divorced within a year. This has forced him to have a good relationship with his children.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 11/06/2018 13:04

What makes a newborn period anymore special than, let’s say, a 4 month old?

  1. the mother is going to be shell-shocked, exhausted, and very possibly badly physically debilitated and traumatised.
  2. 4-month-olds generally have feeding sorted and can tell their days from their nights, and are starting to get over colic and/or reflux, if present.