Dp says he won’t take paternity leave

[Angharad07]

After asking how much partenity leave dp was thinking of taking he replied “none”. No reason given.

He’s making out that he’ll go back to work the day after the baby is born and maybe take a few days off using his holiday leave.

We’re not in a great financial position but to reject what he’s legally entitled to for no reason seems a bit bonkers. I’m quite upset as I was looking forward to us both getting to know our first baby in those two weeks..

What if you have a c section? Or are injured and can't say, get up and down the stairs? How will you get food or go to the loo, make up bottles (if not breastfeeding). Paternity leave is as much for support of you as it is for getting to know baby.

This happened to a friend of mine last year. Her partner went back to work next day, she tried doing it all herself just to end up back in hospital from exhaustion and with an infection. The partner then, and only then, took 3 days off as he probably realised it was wrong to expect her to just do it all herself.

He doesn't need to take the full paternity but helping you and baby at beginning is really important. I couldn't have managed had I not had husband there, though I went through a traumatic birth which left me in tatters and unable to even sit down properly.

If you’re struggling financially then taking annual leave instead of paternity leave makes a lot of sense. But not to take any time off at all, or to take only a couple of days is not fair; you will be recovering from the birth and you will need his help at home. If it’s your first maybe he doesn’t realise how tough the early days will be, and how much of a toll the birth itself might take on you. Is there anyone he can talk to that might help change his mind like siblings or friends with children?

My Ex was the first as his place of work to take paternity leave - he managed to persude the very non clued up manager that he could take it for the two weeks before the baby due so that he could have a rest! The baby was two weeks late so his "paternity" leave was over before she arrived. Luckily for me she arrived in the school holidays so at least I did not have to do the school run for the first couple of days. Did you notice I said Ex. Tell him you need him to be there to support you even if it's only for a week and then see how you go.

@Fluffyunicorns you made the same point as me.

Seriously even the self-employed men I know take 2 weeks off.

If they are short of cash then instead of going on holiday with planned babies they just don't go during the year before, and if they are unplanned they don't go the year afterwards.

He ought to take at least a week, there's a reason you're not legally allowed to return to work before two weeks have passed. Giving birth is physically demanding, if my husband hadn't been there to help straight after the birth I would have lay on the floor and starved to death (and we spent 5 days in hospital before coming home). You could be exhausted, in pain, anemic and with a newborn. If he's not going to take care of you then you should arrange for family to stay with you and help. See if he likes that idea.

Yes because all self employed people spend the money on expensive holidays instead of taking leave ffs

Tbh if your not in a great financial position as you say then may be that's his reason.

For us, baby no.1 he had a weeks holiday booked when I was 36 wks, baby turned up on day one we stayed in hospital for a week. I arrived home and he went back to work the following morning.

Baby no.2 arrived Thursday and he too two days off unpaid and went back Monday.

Baby no.3 he left work when I took myself to hospital (only just got there in time). He only had the weekend off then left Monday to Friday working away.

Currently pregnant with no. 4, he'll not be taking time off either, not sure if he'll be here for the birth or not. I don't have family support around me but I can cope and manage the school runs. However we made the decision together based on our family, I find it easier to get into a routine and back to normal straight away, having DH here hinders that

Could you sit and have a talk with him, ask I him for the reasons he'll not take time off?

Not having a proper two way conversation about this is the worrying ill omen here.

I don't get why this isn't a conversation. What you would like, what he expects and what you can afford.
Also agree with PP what if you have a section and can't drive etc?

Best laid plans and all that. I was still in hospital 2 weeks after DS was born, emergency section, infections for both of us requiring Iv antibiotics and a stay on scbu for DS, post natal pre eclampsia and a hideous dose of PUPPS to add insult to injury.

I think you need to sit down and talk about this sensibly as a team and come up with a plan that work practically and financially and has some flexibility and contingencies built in.

That would be a deal-breaker for me. Especially with the first it's all about learning how to look after the baby, feeding, sleeping and having another adult around to work together with was essential for me. The first day DH went back to work after the 2 weeks I remember sitting looking at the baby wondering what to do. I ended up phoning my Mam as she was more of a grown up! I would never have coped without him.

paternity leave is a pittance . Presume this is your 1st baby sounds like he has no idea of what in store which being honest not many 1st time parents do . You have no way suggested he is a bad partner yet there is some massive assumptions on a few post sure there will be a ltb before long . Talk it though get the reasons and take it from there form there .

I really hate how people are claiming a woman in this day and age needs a man there to help her 1st few weeks post birth (assuming no major complications). I did it on my own!

1st dh was off during long Labour and whilst in hospital after but went to work day after we got home.

2nd conveniently arrived quickly Fri after work and he was back in the office Monday.

I coped figured out how to look after a baby and look after house. Dh is an amazing dad and both dc adore him and in an emergency he drops everything and is there. But work does come 1st as that provides the roof over our heads and the food on the table. So I can fully understand why a man doesn't want to hardly earn a penny when his dp is on smp and would rather use holiday and not necessarily the instant a baby is born.

I don't understand how in this day and age it's considered that the woman should just be able to cope with having a baby and that the father can't take a few days off to look after the child he also chose to make.
OP ask him his reasons, discuss what happens if you have a c section or other complications. It isn't his decision alone to make. Money can be saved over a couple of months to make up the shortfall of you plan ahead.

But the point is you don't know if there will be complications until the baby is born. I wanted my DH there complications or no complications but we were lucky as he got full pay and do we could afford it, I appreciate that won't be the case for all and compromises need to be made.

I think the issue here is the complete lack of communication about it. They need to comeup with a plan together. That plan needs to take into consideration what will happen if there are complications and the OP simply isn't well enough to manage. It happens.

Of course a woman who's had a straightforward delivery and a healthy baby may be perfectly happy to manage alone.
It's equally possible that they may be healing, struggling to establish feeding, sore and exhausted. They may also want the support of having their partner around in the early days.
Plus the OP didn't say they can't afford it. Just that he's said he won't take leave. No reason given.

I’d be raging. Won’t his work think it’s unusual? For DC1 my husband took off his 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks annual leave straight after. I’d had a horrible labour and lost loads of blood so was extremely weak and wobbly for a while, I was almost readmitted a few days after I got home.

For DC2 he didn’t qualify for paternity as he’d only been there a few weeks, but he took 2 weeks annual leave.

We have absolutely no family locally though that could have helped.

I don't think anyone is suggesting a woman can't do it on her own, but why should she have to if she doesn't want to? Why be a martyr to make some sort of point about how much of a feminist you are?

I'm sure I could cope without my DP if I had to. But I don't want to. If he can't take a week or two off for the birth of his first child that I've carried for nine months and given birth to, then I would find that pretty selfish, particularly if I'd told him I would like him around. I'm not really interested in playing 'who's the more independent woman'. I'm interested in spending those first few days with my new baby and my partner as we start our new family life. Luckily my DP wants to be there for those first days too!

How is he NOW with regard to pulling his weight at home?

Paternity leave didn't exist in uk when I had dd but ex took 2 weeks annual leave which we'd planned he'd have available and his boss was ok with him taking when baby born as of course they can be unpredictable - as it happened she was born only a day after due date.

Having a baby is a MASSIVE change not only practically but also in terms of the effect on your relationship. We split when dd was 2 and while it was because he cheated I do think my ex wasn't ready to be a father (that he stupidly got the ow pregnant is his own dumb fault!).

I ended up having an emcs, dd was sick and in scbu and we didn't leave the hospital for over a week. It was a VERY worrying time.

Once home there was a lot I couldn't do/needed help with and dd thought day was night! That's tough too.

Frankly he would've been too bloody knackered to work the first 2 weeks after dd was born, he was still pretty shattered when he did go back to work - and it was a fairly easy going job!

In addition when he got home from work there were still things he needed to help me with as I recovered, established feeding, dealt with dds colic...

Is he at all realistic about the demands of a newborn? Sounds like he's in denial, naive or at worst a selfish pratt who just expects you to manage even if the birth is in any way complicated!

I strongly recommend you find out NOW which and address it accordingly.

Personally I think it should be full pay and compulsory.

I really hate how people are claiming a woman in this day and age needs a man there to help her 1st few weeks post birth (assuming no major complications)

They are both FTPs and even with a smooth birth, she’s going to want help—otherwise she wouldn’t be here asking about this! Frankly, I’m surprised he wouldn’t want to be there for both his DP and DC as long as they can afford it. It’s his child, too, and he needs to be there to take night feeds, settle baby, and wipe a few butts. Why should she take on the bulk of the childcare so soon? I’d be anxious about this if I were her.

Newborns are difficult, and it’s isolating to have to do it yourself without much backup from your partner because he believes some BS about work ethic or whatever. I could see him being stroppy about dr appts/school pickup/illness in the future if this isn’t seriously talked about now.

My DH can't afford to take paternity leave but is taking 2 weeks holiday instead... £145 statutory pay is absolutely nothing to live off. Especially with a new baby to pay for too (£145 will probably cover the cost of parking at the hospital for the birth )