Pregnant. Wanted. But feelings don’t weigh up. Help.

[Paraketamol]

Mumsnet, I need help. I need to know if this is normal; get some perspective or what... I feel dreadful that I’m posting this but I have no one in real life I can talk to about any of this.

I have discovered I’m pregnant; probably only 3 weeks gone with a planned baby; I came off the pill a few months ago but neither myself or DH expected anything to happen quickly as I’ve been taking hormonal contraceptives for 10+ years.

Since finding out, I haven’t had the ecstatic happiness everyone seems to have. Quite the opposite. I’m anxious, very scared and wondering what the hell we’ve done. I’ve found myself saying to DH we wanted this didn’t we? I’m so lost.

Today I’ve been thinking of what I’m set to lose - my independence; my trips away with my mum and sister and friends; the Guide camps; it feels like everything will be different and life as I know it is gone... I’m sat here crying as I write this.

Surely this isn’t normal? Surely I’m meant to have this happiness about this. Thinking about what we’re set to gain, rather than terror and these feelings.

God, I just don’t know, we’ve a settled marriage, can afford to start a family, are of a good age... why am I so messed up.

Sounds, oh, completely normal. Most people have a massive wobble when the reality kicks in.

Everything WILL be different, but that doesn't mean life is over. By the time baby is a year, even if you still bf, you'll be able to have weekends away. Things will get back on an even keel. You'll have new sources of joy and fun you never anticipated.

If you really feel in your gut that you don't want a baby, you can choose to end this pregnancy. But if you're just scared and realising the magnitude of what you've done.... Congratulations, you have a good sense of reality :) People have been having babies literally forever and the vast majority of us not only muddle through, we love the little blighters half to death. Take a deep breath; you can do this.

Completely normal! I have done this with each of my 3 planned children!

Totally normal.

Everyone gets the WTF have we done feeling. Even with subsequent children.

It passes. It comes back in waves frequently but it always passes eventually.

Yes, yes completely normal! I had this with longed for IVF baby..... completely bonkers!

Congratulations

Ecstatic happiness is a bit of a myth when it comes to pregnancy and parenthood. There are amazing moments and much happiness but there is too much else to be thinking about for ecstacy to be sustainable.

Yep. Same here. I'd a few "what have we done moments" too. Totally normal. It's a massive change but that doesn't necessarily mean a change for the worst. Congratulations!

I had this with our wanted baby. I always expected to feel total joy when I got my bfp. What I did not expect was the total horror I felt. I spent the first week or so convinced we'd made a massive mistake. Got over it quite quickly once I'd come to terms with it. I did have another freak out last week at 25w though

I’m now 23 weeks with my first, much wanted (tried for 2 years) baby and I went through exactly the same thing. And then again at around 10 weeks. And again at 15 weeks. And I’m sure it’ll come again! In between times I’m very happy and excited. But every so often a ‘revelation’ of how much things are changing or something I can’t do anymore (having 1 too many sun lounger cocktails whilst on holiday being the most recent...) hits me and I panic and doubt things.

Perfectly normal. Don't forget that your hormones will be playing up too. I spent the majority of my first pregnancy in tears over food. Barely even thought about the baby.

Completely normal, we planned our first but I also had the panic, cried, took a couple of weeks to calm down. I found telling the news to close friends very early helped. It will pass.

Very normal! Has happened with both my pregnancies, very much wanted!

Yes definitely normal. I'd also add that the feeling pops up now and again when the child is here! Actually I think the way you are feeling is quite healthy- your life is going to change a lot and it's fortunate we get 9 months to get our heads round that. I think I romanticised baby life a bit and told myself things wouldn't change too much and I got a fair old slap in the face when baby came and took over my life. It is of course wonderful too in so many ways but yes, you won't be as independent. But I am going away for 3 nights this weekend to a spa with my sister and my Dd is 2.5 so the really dependent years are quite short. Hope you feel a bit better soon, and don't be afraid to articulate these feelings with someone you trust. Your friends with kids will understand.

Totally normal. You're grieving the life you've had.. but eventually you'll start to see the life you will have with your child. You'll be okay

Completely normal as others have said.
I felt like this with all of my 4dc and they were planned (except 4 who was a welcome surprise!)
I think it's the fear of the unknown and as you said your life changing.
However people are bloody horrible to pregnant women and love to tell them they will never sleep again/have sex blah blah just smile and ignore
I was induced with dc2 and when I arrived at the hospital burst into tears and refused to get out of the car for half and hour as "I was going to have a baby" God knows what I thought I had been doing for nine months

11 year after being told that I’d probably never be able to have a baby, DH and I started trying. I got pregnant immediately.

After the shock wore off, my main emotion was... err, terror. WTF had I done? I’d just detonated my life. When we went for the 12 week scan we found out it was twins - he was ecstatic, I was hysterical and horrified.

I can honestly tell you these boys are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but you can’t imagine all the wonderful stuff yet - you can only picture what you’ll lose and not what you’ll gain. One of my boys has some complex health issues and some times have been hard but I wouldn’t change them for anything.

It will be okay. This is totally normal. You’re in shock and afraid of the unknown.

OP this is TOTALLY NORMAL!!!

I got pregnant after one attempt. We weren’t even really trying. Just sort of got caught short on contraception and thought stuff it. I am 35 so I really didn’t think that it would happen without serious planning. Babies were on the horizon but not that soon. It was a real shock!

I was really happy when I found out but within 24 hours was freaking out! Mood swings, crying, loosing my temper....The first trimester was hard. But it gets easier. Honestly. Xx

Now 31 weeks pregnant with planned, very loved and wanted baby... Still have wobbles like 'What on earth have I done!'- especially when I think about birth, post-natal depression, baby not sleeping, not being able to go out anymore, having less expendable income etc. Got pregnant within 24 hrs of stopping the pill, massive shock to the system! I always remind myself how very very blessed I am to have got pregnant so easily and think of the poor people who struggle with infertility.

Oh hun. I could have written that myself a few weeks ago. I still have wobbles. I was devastated each month when I didn't fall pregnant and then when I did I felt really mixed up and was full of doubt and regret. So many people have said the same thing - you are not alone! It's a massive massive life change and a lot will be different. But there's also so much to look forward to! Take it one day at a time and remember what you're feeling is normal.

I felt exactly the same! I’m now 27 weeks and feel completely happy.
I expected that when I got the positive test it would be like a scene from a film. I’d be instantly overjoyed and my husband and I would cuddle up and talk about our little miracle. Ha!

In reality, I got pregnant on our first attempt so both of us were a bit shocked and bewildered. I spent about 3 days in complete disbelief and minor worry. Then I started getting sick, my boobs hurt and it felt like I’d detonated a bomb in the middle of my life. I was terrified I’d made a huge mistake that could hurt our marriage and felt too guilty to even hint at what I was feeling.

I guarantee that it will get better. It took me until about 10 weeks to get there but every week after that got better. For every little milestone you pass your bond with the baby grows and your bond with your husband. The feelings of absolute fear start to go and are replaced with excitement. Although you’ll still have worries and momentary wobbles,
(I’m still in denial that I have to give birth at the moment) they are nothing like that blind panic of the first weeks!
Cut yourself some slack, you’re doing great.

It's completely normal. Until they get here and you realise how much you love them you can't possibly know what you are going to gain as opposed to what you were going to lose.

Thank you all for your wise words and support. It did make me feel a bit better last week. I also had a doctors appointment were she confirmed it was all normal feelings. I thought it might improve from then. It hasn’T at all. I have my first appointment tomorrow at the hospital.

Sorry I didn’t update sooner.

A week on and I’m still not feeling any clearer. TMI alert, I have had some brown discharge and cramping and have veered from “stay put little bean’ to “if this is it, hurry up and get on with it, miscarry and finish this, I’m going back on the pill.”

I’m definitely in a weird state of mind;
I don’t know how to parent; nor do I feel like I’m ready to give up everything I know to learn.

There’s been moments where I’ve thought I don’t want this child but none yet where I’ve thought I can’t wait to have a child. I thought I was broody. I thought I was quite maternal.

I’m sorry I can’t come back all happy and joyful; I don’t know what the answer is, nor to I expect anyone has the answers for me!

Thanks for reading.

I felt exactly the same. Nobody knows how to parent until the baby arrives and even then we are all still winging it. Dont worry. You'll be fine.

OP I'm so happy you've started this discussion because I'm sat at home feeling the same way. Everyone else is very excited and keep asking me if I'm excited and I say yes but I feel nothing!!! Well nothing apart from sickness, heartburn, food aversions...
I feel so abnormally numb about the whole thing. Also my grandmother who I was very close too died recently and it is her funeral tomorrow and I don't feel anything about that either!!! I think I'm going mad. Mad with numbness!!!

Think it's normal. Mine was planned but I didnt have a jumping for joy reaction. Neither did my OH. First thing he did was go to the shop and buy me a non-alcoholic beer, as if that was the priority.. but we love our party lifestyle which, at 20 weeks gone now, we're still mourning. Im much more excited about the baby now but it was never gonna be an advert for Clearblue

Emily, I hope today goes ok, it’s awful isn’t. It?

My DH is suggesting I tell whoever I see at the hospital - I don’t see how that will help really.

I just feel so shit on so many levels!